2015-11-16

Lifetime Fatness: A Guide To The Holidays

I was going to put together some easy things I did to lose 15 pounds since summer, but really, weight loss tips? Does that even sound like me? 

I feel like that's the equivolent of Donald Trump's Guide to Etiquette. 
Ben Carson's Thoughts on Reality.
Ways Republicans Accept Women As Humans.

Okay, you get it. Let's just say it's not consistent with my comfy brand or whatever.
Sooo.....

Instead, I would like to share my tips for getting through the holidays without murdering those oh-so-helpful people who love to "look out for us" and are "concerned for our health," when commenting about our food and beverage intake. 

Also known as making us feel like horrible fat fatties, and then mentally high-fiving each other behind out backs that at least they're doing something to help us. Barf.

Thanks so much Judy, now go on your smoke break, or play your 15th game of Candy Crush at your desk, or yell at your kids on your phone, or have a 3rd glass of wine, or a Xanax, or whatever your vice is, and just keep your judgement to yourself. We all have something and I'm so sorry my current something is unsightly for you to look at. 
So when I'm in that situation and someone says something super awesome to me like,
"A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips!"
I'll usually either,
a.) Dust off my TED Talk about how women no longer have to weigh our self worth by our looks alone, or 
b.) a nice little explanation of how I don't look at food as just a caloric number, balanced against steps taken or whatever else Fit Bit measures, or 
c.) Ever consider, "Do I 'deserve' to eat right now?" 

Another lovely, caring thing people have said to me,
"Go ahead and enjoy that, you deserve it."
Thanks. Thanks so much for confirming that I actually deserve to eat food to fuel my body. I was wondering the whole time I earned the money for this food, shopped for it and prepared it if I was worthy of it, so thanks for the support, Janice. I was going to poll the whole office, but since you said it, I feel like I can go ahead and proceed now.

But then sometimes, like around the holidays when everyone is already tense and crabby, I don't feel like getting into all of that. Sometimes it's easier to Elsafy and Let It Go.

I just smile and nod and pretend to be grateful. 
"Thanks."
"Yeah, I'm working on it."
"I'm totally going to start my diet after New Year's"
BARF.

You couldn't give me a FREE membership during January when everyone and their Aunt Sally is cramming into the gym and pretending like they're still going to be there in a couple of months. I'll take a hard pass.

So while it's true we don't owe anyone health or fitness, or a pretty outer package or actually anything, 

from boldorama.com
in my 4 decades of Not Giving a Dang, I've come up with some handy ways to keep the judgey people satisfied. 

Or at least quiet, thinking you're doing your part to keep their America beautiful.

I'm going to do a Numbered List, even though I feel like this is dumbing down America almost as much as reality TV. However, for purposes of pinning this to Pinterest and referring to it later, here we go.

1. Carry around a piece of fruit.
Or leave it on your desk. Even if you don't eat fruit, just leave it there as a pre-emptive 'Shut it.' If someone asks, tell them it's there for a healthy snack
Tell them how people are always bringing cake, cookies and whatnot during the holidays. (Still totally eat those cookies and cakes and whatnot, the fruit is just for show.) Or also eat the fruit, fiber is awesome. Whatever man, it's your journey.

2. Get a water bottle for your desk.
Same with the fruit. Drinking water is an easy way to flush out toxins (sorry I used that word) and make you look like you care about your health. 
It seriously doesn't even matter if you ever drink that water, it will make Janice in Accounting make you think you care about your health. Maybe she'll stop sending you those stupid articles. 

3.  Half an hour before lunch, change to gym shoes.
If anyone asks, tell them you're going for a walk at lunch. Whatever you're doing, I'm sure you'll have to walk somewhere to get there. Plus gym shoes are 1000 times more comfortable than whatever you're rocking to work. 
Besides, walking to my car to drive through Taco Bell and then walking through the mall to pay the minimum due on my Torrid bill? IS WALKING. Back up off me.

4. Dodge the elevator, take the stairs.
If you work on the 20th floor, no worries. Take the stairs to the 17th floor, then go grab the elevator there. If you happen to get caught by someone in your office, no worries. Just tell them you're building your way up to taking the stairs all the way down. Say the words "Baby steps." Only those words, and in your head you can fill in the part about how all you want to take is baby steps.
The stairs are a glorious place, by the way. Usually the kind of people who take the stairs don't want to make small talk, or even eye contact. They have crap to do, secret calls to make, or they're on their way down or up to the roof to smoke and don't give a crap about you. It's kind of cool actually. Way better than the crappy elevator people. Try it.

5. Before the Holiday Party, have a small meal.
I don't know how your company party is, but most of the companies I've worked for went from holiday dinner to holiday late lunch after half a day of work. Because it's cheaper, but whatever. Point is, it often happens either so long after lunch or such a LATE lunch that when you show up you're starving. Add a holiday cocktail and if you're like me, you're ready to strong-arm those nerds in Accounting out of your way to get a bite of cheese and crackers.
Smart money says, eat something at work. At your desk or in the lunchroom. Tell anyone giving you side eye (I can see you, Karen) that you want to minimize high-calorie foods at the party, so you're having a healthy snack first, based on article Janice in Accounting sent you.
Meanwhile, having food before Happy Hour just lays down a nice base so you're not the First One Drunk and you're not fighting people off for those few crappetizers they sprang for and your stomach isn't growling by the time the soup is served. 

I have more but my time is up. Take it from me, you can have a full, happy life without a $100/month Lifetime Fitness membership. You can wear stretchy pants and only catch minimum shade from those basic beyotches that actually eat kale and are pissed at you because of it. 
Kale is a practical joke, and a funny one. But munch away!

20 comments:

  1. $100 a month just to work out? Ugh, forget that. This is why I work out at home. People do know they don't need a gym to move around and/or lift things, right? Both of us have always been thin, so we have the opposite problem. We get people saying to us, "Oh, look at you eating that piece of cake. I bet you could eat the whole thing and be fine, hyuck hyuck. I bet you can just eat whatever you want, you lucky SOB."

    Yeah, I'm only thin because of my magic metabolism, I survive purely on cake and cookies, and I don't even know what a vegetable looks like. That's exactly it.

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    1. That's my sister in law, who I feel bad for. She gets it worse than I do, with my OPPOSITE of yours metabolism. People are CONSTANTLY telling her to eat. I feel bad for her. She goes out of her to eat a LOT around my family, to the point of not feeling well, just to prove she does eat.
      I think people join the gym out of some social obligation maybe? A lot of companies here in the Midwest have deals through work for gyms, so Lifetime Fitness, which we used to go to (and call it Lifetime Fatness b/c we were still fat after going there) was our closest one. It was super fancy, with a pool and everything, so that was nice for my son. But as soon as I stopped working there, I stopped going there. I think it was $100/month for the family membership including the pool and a bunch of other crapola, and we paid less than that b/c of the discount. I'm not a gym person. I'm a walk outside person. And eat cake and wear stretchy pants and whatever type of person. I also hate when people rip on skinny people, it's your America too, man.

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  2. I have SO MUCH LOVE FOR THIS!!! YES... yes... oh and YES to everything!! Why the hell is it so hard for people to look at themselves? They spend so much time looking at other people and what they "should or shouldn't" be doing. Which means they are not looking at themselves and handling their business!! I am sharing this!! Love it!!!

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    1. Well my theory is that the more time people spend on their OUTSIDE appearance? The more work they need on their INSIDE. Nawmsayin? Not always, but a lot of time.
      The people that are the most judgmental are a lot of times the people who are fighting demons in their minds. Not an excuse, but I've found that to be true a lot of times.

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  3. Being a lesbian gets me a Free Pass on bullshit like this because those skinny bitches EXPECT me to be chunky! Yay!

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    1. *raises eyebrow* Musta missed that in the manual...

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    2. Oh, that old stereotype is not in the Lesbian Manual, Lizzi. It's in the Skinny Bitch Manual!

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    3. Oooh please do tell us more about the Skinny Bitch Manual, I've never been allowed to look in there!

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  4. I love this. Like I love everything that you write. I hate all the holiday junk food. Why can't we have that stuff all year round? Then we won't feel the need to binge on it because it won't be here next week.

    I do agree with you about the ever loving effing gym memberships, but I have one anyway. $20/month to Planet Fitness and I haven't been there in months. Lots of months. But I do walk 3 miles every early AF morning with my husband before work. Not that it makes a difference in the mass amount I carry around. Just pour another booze cocktail and #StopHarshingMyGig

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    1. I did the same thing once I stopped worked right next door to a gym. So I quit sending them money. One place I worked gave us a huge discount at Lifetime Fatness, which my son loved b/c they have a HUGE pool and the outdoor pool has slides, but really other than that? We hardly went. So we stopped sending them money. I'd rather walk when it's nice, and be fat when it's cold outside. And eat the cake and wear the stretchy pants. I find I'm really okay with it.

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  5. What really gets me is when someone makes a comment just because they see you eating (My personal favorites are the ones who walk into the room, see you having lunch & say: "Take your time! I'm not going to take it from you. LOL!"). Because, in the split second they were opening the door they saw me shoveling food into my maw. I was probably using both hands t the time too! Now, thanks to that kind assurance, I get to spend the rest of my lunch self-conscious of my eating.

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  6. Oh, Joy-to-my-world, I just adore you and the way you write and the way you think. If only you could do my thinking for me. Alas, I like the gym and not being as fat as I once was, and eating my way through bushels of fruit and veg. It makes me feel healthy, which is better for my brain than not.

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    1. Well, THAT my friend is a beautiful thing.
      And YOU should do MY thinking for me.
      Someone really should start....

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  7. AS for me I never used any diets or something like that. For my 172cm high I weight 62 and I think it's quite normal. I just love to eat to much to go to some diets.

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    1. "diet" is a 4 letter word.
      and not a fun one.
      If you feel good, you're perfect.

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  8. Ugh about judgey people!! There are just too many of them in this world!!
    I love your tips! They're good for you and for making everyone else shut it!!

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    1. That's what life is all about, isn't it?

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  9. Hey, I thought calories don't exist from Thanksgiving through New Years.

    Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you and yours!

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    1. Mine are like that tree in the woods.
      If no one is around to count them,
      do they even exist?
      Who cares.
      Hope you had great holidays, Phil.

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