Strippers, Sock Puppets, and the BEST $5 Ever Spent

Recently I saw a great movie review, complete with a recommended NUMBER OF DRINKS required to watch the movie, (nice touch btw) on the awesome NextStep Blog for the movie “Magic Mike.” 

Magic Mike is a movie about male strippers -- I mean, male DANCERS if you ask any of them. Anyway it’s basically the male version of the fantastically campy “Showgirls” movie from years ago. If that movie name automatically makes you cringe, you probably want to STOP reading at this point. We’re going straight downhill from here, people.

The Next Step Blog’s movie review is hilarious and made me smile for so many reasons. Not only because I like strippers-- er clothing-challenged DANCERS-- which I do in concept, the whole consenting adults thing, but a lot of times they make me sad. For one thing, it's very depressing that some girls don't even realize they have other things to offer the world besides their looks. Parents, make this right and check your nieces, cousins, in-laws and that kid down the street in the tube top if you can.

Another lifetime ago (“a score” of years ago,) a friend of a friend of a friend actually was a stripper--I mean Pole Worker, and the first friend kept trying to get the 2nd friend to bring her stripper friends to parties. They were fun and had lots of good stories, except for one of them. One of them pretty much ruined strippers for me. 

She was so sad with her tragic life story, and she KEPT showing everyone the scar on her breast where she was stabbed through her breast implant, which exploded, and then she had to save FOR YEARS to get her boob fixed. She couldn't even be a "good" stripper, because she had crooked boobies. I almost cried.

Yes, I spent over an hour one night telling her she needs to learn how to type and learn word processing. I offered to make her a resume, (above the sound of people calling me ‘Buzz Kill’ and worse) so she could at least get a day job with benefits, and she wouldn’t be covered in glitter and smelling of booze, smoke and man slime while dropping her kid off at school in the morning. 

I mean, even with the worst office jobs I’ve had were better than that. Yes you bring dudes coffee vs. beer, (professional women got their own coffee in my experience) you don’t get tips, and yes you still get ogled, objectified and treated like crap, but at least you can cover your lady biscuits, keep a small amount of dignity, the dry humping is OPTIONAL, I never once got stabbed, and I always had dental.  

Anyway, let’s get off strippers.

“I will if your dad will.” *nyuk nyuk*

What made me smile, besides her writing, is the memory of literally the BEST $5 I’ve EVER SPENT.

Now since we were talking about strippers, I can only imagine what you’re thinking, but to this day, the best $5 I have ever spent was over a decade ago going to a sock puppet show performance of the movie “Showgirls.”

I know.

from theatermania.com
Let’s let that sink in for a minute.

Someone had the foresight to make a sock puppet show of the movie Showgirls. 

Another “Damn why didn’t I think of that?!” moment for me.

It was kind of a big thing thanks to Harvey Finklestein taking this to real theater, or is it theatre? Either way. I looked and they’re charging $15 and I have to tell you, STILL worth it. EVERY PENNY. Twice that.

I found a review for his show at katewestreviews.com and here is a synopsis direct from a show program, in case you don’t know the story of Showgirls:
"An angry girl escapes to Las Vegas to become a dancer. After all the f*cking and bad acting she ends up having to leave Las Vegas because she hurts a bitch and opens a can of whoop ass on a celebrity, and because she is a whore, and they don't allow whores in Las Vegas." With that enticement, how can you say no?
"I'm NOT a whore!" Famous line from movie.
from cafearts.com

But before Harvey Finklestein got a hold of it, at least ten years ago a group of college kids put together a performance in a bar. It was beyond funny. Unlike most other days in my life, I actually L’ed OL, and practically R’d OFL, like for REAL. That is how funny it was.

Mostly the reason I didn’t think of this, is that somehow I had never seen the Showgirls movie, probably because of the breast implant stabbing thing. 

Upon my friend’s brilliant suggestion, we forced ourselves to rent this movie. Let me just tell you, it’s bad. Not just campy bad, which yes, can sometimes be funny, and some of the over-acting and horrible writing is so bad it is actually funny. But mostly it’s just BAD bad.

I hear the “badness” is intentional, there are drinking games and some cult following of the movie, I don’t know. I tried for a minute to google it, and you probably don't need me to tell you what you get when you google anything about “Showgirls,” and this post isn’t worth being filed in that list with the NSA.

Long story short (too late) we made it through at LEAST half of the movie before we either passed out, or went to get more booze, or went to an actual strip club, or whatever we did when we were bored in those days.

Anyway, I’m glad she forced me to watch it, because whoever wrote the sock puppet show, watched the SHIT out of that movie, and really grasped what made it kind of funny. They made fun of the bad. In a hilarious way.
No, it's NOT a zombie movie.
from widerscreenings.com

Having watched at least some of the horrible movie made the puppet show that much more fun. The people next to us said they saw the movie years ago, but they apparently didn’t remember a lot of the scenes that made the puppet show so freaking funny.

For example, there is a scene that starts in a parking lot with some EPICLY overly dramatic “acting” and I mean, we’re talking pre-teenager on her period tantrum, where the main character, Elizabeth Used-to-be-in-Saved-By-The-Bell (well, she should really just change her name to that) yells, screams, assaults an innocent car, and inexplicably vomits. Then the owner of that car comes, starts to yell at her, then suddenly she saves her from oncoming traffic, they have an awkward almost-kiss, yes right after Blondie VOMITS.

Then – yes, this gem of a scene just keeps on going - that lady buys her food, which she also assaults violently. She stabs at her drink with a straw and beats the crap out of an order of French fries, like she really hates this food. I can’t even use words to describe this. I found a clip. You HAVE to see it to believe it.
(You might want to watch this before you continue. If not now, come back and watch later because this scene is a prime example of WHY this movie is SO BAD it’s good.)
from youtube.com/watch?v=kVQk8HHUD3c  

So funny, right? Those fries really GOT SOME AIR! The drama didn’t escape the props people in the sock puppet show either, during this scene the fries really fly. Not only does that little sock puppet act it’s ass (?) off being overly dramatic, it Samuri-sword fights a straw into a cup, and then it shoves it’s little sock head into the fries and starts whipping them at the audience……

and suddenly from behind the stage area, LOTS of hands pop up and throw LOTS of French fries at the audience. I mean tons. It’s French FRY-Mageddon.

It was like French fries mated with the Greek mythological Hydra monster, where you cut its head off and it grows THREE MORE HEADS. 
You get it, LOTS of heads.
from hundredmythologyhaiku.blogspot.com

French fries were like Visa, they were EVERYWHERE you want to be.

If you just watched the movie, it was even MORE HILARIOUS. 

Also if you’ve had a few drinks, which is just another reason why I loved this show so much, open bar.

*ding ding* TAN-it’s that time again-GENT

You’ll be shocked to know that not all sock puppet shows in Chicago serve alcohol, even the adult ones. I know right? 

Another show I went to, A Christmas Carol puppet show, served NO ALCOHOL and you were warned not to bring any in. I’m not sure how smart this was in retrospect.

That just forced patrons to over pre-game, and with a carful of people you couldn’t really pack booze. Not even in the 90’s. Sooooo, some people who shall remain nameless, were FORCED to chose the easier to carry, don’t have to pee as often, mushrooms, and then certain patrons were disproportionately laughing at e-hev-erything, and probably ruining the show for others.

Certain patrons even lost their shit craughing (cry/laughing) after trying to explain a simple poop joke. The sock puppet Ghost of Christmas Future and the sock puppet Scrooge visit the grave of Scrooge, where someone has defecated on his grave, and the SPGoCF says “Eeeh, I think you were visited by The Cosbys.” Then I—err, some hypothetical, nameless patron tried to repeat it to my their sober sister and could only cry out (way too loud):

“He said the Cos-” pause for annoying laughter,
“The Co-,” determined to finish the sentence,
"THE Co-“ and then bust out in hysterically mostly crying fit, while being majorly whole-room-shushed by a an entire small theater full of people. That doesn’t happen with open bar, you just get usually-appropriate laughter. Just saying.

M’kay, back to Sock Puppet Show Girls: Another scene you had to see the movie to appreciate is the “Pool Scene.” I don’t remember much about the movie Pool Scene, except that it’s famed to be one of the literally WORST sex scenes of all time, like two dolphins having seizures bad. (More about that later.*)

While we watched the movie, all we could notice was that the sound effects guy (or girl) was REALLY OVERZEALOUS with the water sounds, you kind of couldn’t miss it. The water and splashing seemed to get louder and LOUDER and LOUDER AND LOUDER for no reason.

You started hearing water sounds, like "Did we change the channel to Jaws?" type splashing sounds, even when they seemed to be just sitting there talking, not even moving, which was really funny in itself. During the puppet show Showgirls, it was obvious this fact didn’t escape them either. 
from thrillist.com

There must have been either pre-recorded splashing sounds played, or they had a baby pool behind the stage, and the sock puppet characters started talking quieter and quieter, and the splashing got louder and louder until the crescendo, which was again a BUNCH of hands from behind the stage, popping up with military-grade water guns firing away, pointed at the audience. Some people got SO SOAKED they were pissed off, which of course made us roar with laughter! 

We got wet but we didn't care, we had to pee but we didn't dare miss a moment, and almost literally rolling on the floor at this point, I literally had to catch myself from falling out of my chair. I laughed through trying to explain to the people next to us why this was so damn funny. They did NOT agree with us. Should have watched the movie again, assholes.

In addition to the classic cinematic moments like that, just the visual of sock puppet strippers is enough to give your funny bone a major woody. 

For the following, you are welcome, no charge. Tell your friends.
from datalounge.com  The Actress in the movie
Sock Puppet Stripper. Uncanny don'tcha think?
from katewestreviews.com

Kate West’s review says they have added some props, namely:

“Cardboard car cutouts and metal poles also help direct the imagination to recall the movie.” 
This sock is THE SEX, amiright?!  from flickriver.com

She also mentions sock puppet dance numbers, which I don’t remember from our version, but how could that NOT be hilarious?

We enjoyed it so very much that after the show was over, we promptly met back up with our friends at the bar, they didn’t want to leave the bar for a sock puppet show, idiots, and we went to her apartment and started to build a stage and make puppets to act out this show.

Now, most of our friends hadn’t seen the movie in years, or some not at all, so they didn’t think it was anywhere near as funny as we did. They also were afraid we would get them wet, but her good friend was always amused by how much she & I could make each other laugh, even when no one else found us funny. I hope you have friends like that, they are priceless!

We were pretty excited and could barely get through our own little “show” because of laughing so hard. We didn’t have french fries, or water guns, or people who just saw the movie, or thought we were "funny" BUUUUT the two of us laughed and laughed until our stomachs cramped like the insane for hours. I'm laughing just remembering how much we laughed. I have rarely laughed that much in my life, and for this show, we only had a couple of drinks. 

Good times. For FIVE DOLLARS. Plus two drinks, but I would have had more than that at the bar anyway.

Seriously, if you ever have the chance to see Sock Puppet ANYTHING, change your plans, get a sitter and GO. Take pictures if you can. Then please send me an email about it.

*To prove I wasn’t just being dramatic about the pool scene being bad, I googled “bad movie sex scenes” and got this handy list. 

The Top Ten Worst Movie Sex Scenes1.    Showgirls: Elizabeth Berkley and Kyle MacLachlan (1995)
2.    Damage: Jeremy Irons and Juliette Binoche (1992)
3.    Killing me Softly: Heather Graham and Joseph Fiennes (2002)
4.    Body of Evidence: Madonna and Willem Dafoe (1993)
5.    Crimes of Passion: Kathleen Turner (1984)
6.    The Specialist: Sharon Stone and Sly Stallone (1994)
7.    Gigli: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez (2003)
8.    40 Days and 40 Nights: Matt Sullivan and Shannyn Sossamon (2002)
9.    Matrix Reloaded: Keanu Reeves and Carrie-Ann Moss (2003)
from PerezHilton.com

10.  The Stud: Joan Collins and Oliver Tobias (1978)
Yep, it made the list at NUMBER ONE!

Why anyone would need or want this list, I’m not sure, but hey to each their own. I really love bad movies. 

One of my favorites is Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. I don’t think there are any sex scenes thankfully, but a horrible song called “Puberty Love” is worth the price of admission on that one. 

Mayhap that’s another blog post….or a sock puppet show.....stay tuned. 


Turn Any Day Into A *G*R*E*A*T* Day

How to turn a good day into a GREAT DAY.

Step 1. Buy new LARGE Capri-Sun pouch, drink about half.
Given a flavor choice, I always choose BLUE

You may want to drink more than half, depending on how MANY pouches you can take/carry with you, and some other factors*.

Step 2. Get a flask funnel, (don’t even act like you don’t have one) use it to penetrate the bunghole, it's an industry term, of the pouch. 

You may say it's just a happy coincidence that the funnel for a flask PERFECTLY FITS in the bunghole of what is supposed to be an innocent juice beverage, and if so you're adorable, but one of two things is at work (play) here. It's obvy either a genius life hacker at Capri-Sun's Engineering Department, or my old man from beyond helping to finally give me good advice on how to rock this parenting thing. 

Either way.

Step 3. or maybe 2B? Fill with the booze of your choice.
Clean your FLASK FUNNEL after every use. Don't waste a drop.
Lookey, there's my flask I named "iPod' so I could tell my family:
"I'll be right with you, I just need to load my iPod!"

I recommend dark rum or Southern Comfort, unless you are going to be in close proximity to law enforcement or other adults. 
I imagine they will be my corporate sponsor one day

Shutup. I love this guy. He doesn't
judge your public drinking. Or Speedos.
If you are going to be in close contact with the general public (say bleachers at a t-ball game) and/or around Judgey McJudge-pants people, unless you're THIS GUY in the Speedo here, you probably don't want your breath to smell like rum. 

Career drinkers know that non-flavored vodka has that fresh, summery “I'm not drunk” smell. 

A water bottle works VERY well for this if you just want to carry plain vodka, or any clear liquid.
"I can't believe it's not water!"
Picture from hoax-slayer.com

Far from a *new* idea, my volunteer friends and I have been packing our "special water bottles" for over a decade now. 

These work great as long as clear liquor is your choice, you can carry this anywhere you're allowed to bring your own water. Just have at it, or discreetly pour some into your soda, lemonade, whatever your poison. I have done this with a small group of people and bottles of rum throughout an entire cruise. 

Drink ninjas. The kind of people you wouldn't mind getting stuck on a deserted island with.

My family and I have found our own way to quench our powerful thirst without calling attention to ourselves for as long as I can remember. My oldest sister Binky used to add cinnamon schnapps to a thermos full of apple cider for football games and throw in cinnamon sticks to mask the smell. Here we are making a roadie at my other sister, Moe's lake house.
Mmmmm, Disaronno and....anything

However if you prefer to add something that's not clear....say juice, flavored/colored or darker alcohol, these new pouches are your new key to happiness. Unlike cans, the top can reseal and unlike soda bottles they aren't full of soda and the promise of gas bloating and BPA.

On a hot day, the pouches are best if placed in the freezer for at least an hour before you venture outdoors. You can place in a cooler if you have that option, but don't use the same cooler as the kid's beverages. Those greedy little bastards will bogart the good stuff and having such a small tolerance, they will only be entertaining for a very short amount of time. I mean, that's what I imagine would happen.

*If you're only able to take along ONE of these, say because you are about to board an airplane so you can't take any with you, drink at LEAST half or more of the juice before filling the pouch with booze. Keep in mind: Your alcohol tolerance, your scheduled activities that day, and the possible need to operate any heavy machinery. 

ComfyTown always advises: FLASK RESPONSIBLY people. 


Don't ruin it for the rest of us, or some uptight ass-bag will sue Capri-Sun until they will take these little beauties off the market and then what are we left with? 

Soda bottles? 

Giant old timey THERMOSES? Have you seen how BIG they are?

Actual flasks? Psssccht. Do you have any idea the kind of looks you get at a kids' baseball game when you take out an actual flask? Only pirates and Mad Eye Moody at Hogwarts can use an ACTUAL flask anywhere but in your own home anymore.  

In today's America, you can let your children watch awful ADD-inducing television all day long, let them play on an iPad all 24 hours, and feed them over-processed pink slime McAlmost-Food, but you can't have a drink or a cigarette in public without getting labeled as trash. 

I miss the freaking 80's. I don't remember much of the 70's, but they seemed really freaking groovy. Rambling into entirely a different subject, sorry. You need to be on your way to the grocery! Make it a GREAT DAY!

Takin it to the streets UPDATE:
I packed up a roadie and headed around town, trying it out. First, I took them to the bank because quite frankly looking at my bank account sober is so depressing.
Not a single fuck was given re: my drinking this in public
No one said a word so on to my not-so-secret Fashion Headquarters, the Goodwill. Yes, those are Dollar Store sunglasses, thanks for noticing.
Rocking my home-clipped SCHMEGGINGS: Jeggings shortened to Jorts
The pouch was almost empty at this point, one last stop: The grocery.
Bring on the spicy sausage, I'm well hydrated!
This store was the only place I ever had any concerns, that they would think I plucked this off the shelf and try to charge me for it. I finished it long before check-out and handed the empty a young-looking worker, who I didn't think would open it and smell it. She did not. Phew! 

In Conclusion: A full hour's worth of errands, enjoying my drink and minding my own bidness. Life the way it should be, taking ComfyTown TO THE STREETS.


Crazy End Zone Dance

It was an exciting weekend, including the premier of “Sharknado.” A self-explanatory movie treat for people fortunate enough to have the SyFy channel, which despite it’s awful spelling stands for “Science Fiction,” and unlike whiskers on kittens, or anything else in that song, is one of my fav-o-rite things. We no longer have that channel because we have chosen to be poor, eeerrrr I mean RICH in baby smiles and the laughter of children.

Also this weekend? My oldest child turned 18. I have no idea how you’re supposed to feel at this time, happy? Proud? Relieved? Who knows. I'm not even sure how I feel, as I also have a 3 yr old and 18 MONTH old. So mostly I just feel tired. I don’t have typical responses to these things, and our family is not a typical family. I did feel very happy, proud and relieved when he graduated high school a couple of months ago. In fact, walking out of the ceremony, I really wanted to spike a football and break into some elaborate crazy end-zone dance.
from wafflegif.com
But before I prep for a Gatorade bath, I realize this game is not over. My game is going into extra innings. I am proud to have come this far, and if all of the challenges that Life has chest-passed at us were taken into consideration, I would be in the Parenting Hall of Fame. My jersey would be retired. I also? Should hold the MVP record for most over-use of (and mixing of sports) metaphor.

My Overtime - okay, last one - will be grueling, because my son is not going off to college to prepare for a predetermined career in whatever-ology. He still lives with me, he's taking classes at the community college a few blocks away, and he has not stopped celebrating his graduation, even though it was months ago. He has yet to look ahead to the upcoming challenges, as I feel he should be. He is 18 now, he wants to make his own decisions and do things his way

This gives me a sinking feeling in my stomach. A feeling of fear, doubt, worry-parent-guilt? Who knows. Like a lot of parents I imagine, I worry for his future. Like a lot of people in the world, school is not my son’s strong point. This, and a LOT of other teenagery things, really worry parents at this time in their child’s life.

Don’t get me wrong, my unique son is a large bag of awesome, he has many talents and gifts. He is blessed with an amazing imagination, he has written entire books in Crayola markers, REALLY good, hilarious books, and I hope he continues to do so. 

He is a talented artist, his drawings tell a story with the shadowing and small details he includes, that idiots like myself would never think to include. I hope he can pursue this gift, whether he makes money from it, or it’s just a hobby for him.

Parents just want the best for their children. As a person who didn’t go away to college after high school, and because of a series of increasingly unfortunate events, had to interrupt college classes with WORK, life, children, etc., and constantly had to go back, take more classes at night, learn new things, look for better jobs while I had a job, etc., I don’t want him to have to deal with all of that. It’s a lot of stress. 

He claims he understands that, but his actions say otherwise. His actions say he wants to learn from his own mistakes. *sigh* That. That is the hardest thing a parent can face.

Sometimes I feel like he is such an effing MYSTERY to me. I know he is a lot like his very stubborn, (to put it mildly and ahem, politely), biological father. My gray hairs are proof of that. I know he also has my father’s humor, gods help him, and ability to make people laugh. That goes a long way, and like my father, people enjoy him for that, however annoying it can be at times.

I know at this age, especially in modern America, all people are still figuring it out themselves and I get that. It was a really difficult time for me. He’s handling it better than I did, but that’s a pretty low target. I know that he is going to be great. He already is, he has been through a lot, and seen a lot. He is a GOOD person, and he has very strong family values.

NOT my family, the Duggars from celebitchy.com
We come from a long line of great, wonderful kooky people. He has a big family on both sides, between my brothers, sisters and his father’s sister and many brothers, and all of their children, we have seen it all, good times, bad, richer, poorer, in sickness, health…..wait, wait I think I rambled myself into marriage vows somehow. That’s beyond Freudian.

I just mean there were a lot of people around, so a lot strange shit has gone down. He loves his family, and we all talk about our victories, defeats and don’t hesitate to laugh at ourselves. Whatever happens, he is always very calm. Not a lot of things rattle his cage. In all of my experiences dealing with all kinds of people, from my different jobs in a myriad of industries, to volunteering with all walks of life, if there is ONE THING I wouldn’t want any child of mine to be is easily stressed out by life.

TRUE STORY from edweek.org
Life is never perfect, it’s messy, has its ups and downs, and if you’re doing it right, it’s very challenging. The only consistent thing is change, and if you can’t roll with the changes, you’re in for a long, painful ride. I may not have provided a perfect life for my son, but I always agonized over doing what I felt was the right thing. I loved with all my heart, let love rule over the pursuit of perfection, and tried to learn my mistakes, and my parents' mistakes. 

We did a lot of things, we tried a lot of new things, went to many different places, moved a ridiculous amount of times, met a whole world full of different people and learned a LOT. Some things we learned the hard way, but those are lessons you never forget.

We have lots of memories, stories of all sorts, and experiences to draw from. I can confidently say, he is prepared for anything life can throw at him. Will he make a ton of money, or be a captain of industry? Who knows. He will definitely not be afraid to try new things, or freaked out because Facebook updated their software and something CHANGED. He will roll right with it, make a corny joke, and even if he IS worried about something, he will never show it. 

He will try his best, and hopefully if necessary, call someone in his family for advice, and just keep trying. One of my many worries is that he is TOO CALM. His waiting until the last minute always makes me nervous, but I do remember having the same conversations with my parents.
This is SO DISTURBING found at nickgeek.com
He does know that even if things don’t go swimmingly the first time, all that means is a good story some day. I just hope he takes those stories and writes them down. Mayhap in a blog. I will keep you posted. In between dying my grays and treating my stress acne. 

My family's preferred "treatment" no matter what the ailment:
This was taken at my son's 18th birthday party.


Summer Inspiration

Packing for vacation

Unpacking after vacation....the
less celebrated Scents of Summer

Photo sources:
Candles from Yankee Candle, obvy
Sandals from eHow.com
Swimsuit #1 from eBay.com 
#2 Pink suit from DHgate.com


WW Patriotic Challenge: Summer Fun, Patriotic, Cookout, Fireworks


 M *pow*pow*pow* M
                                    M *pow*boom*crackle*bang*FLASH*popM