2013-07-21

Turn Any Day Into A *G*R*E*A*T* Day

How to turn a good day into a GREAT DAY.

Step 1. Buy new LARGE Capri-Sun pouch, drink about half.
 
Given a flavor choice, I always choose BLUE

You may want to drink more than half, depending on how MANY pouches you can take/carry with you, and some other factors*.

Step 2. Get a flask funnel, (don’t even act like you don’t have one) use it to penetrate the bunghole, it's an industry term, of the pouch. 

You may say it's just a happy coincidence that the funnel for a flask PERFECTLY FITS in the bunghole of what is supposed to be an innocent juice beverage, and if so you're adorable, but one of two things is at work (play) here. It's obvy either a genius life hacker at Capri-Sun's Engineering Department, or my old man from beyond helping to finally give me good advice on how to rock this parenting thing. 

Either way.

Step 3. or maybe 2B? Fill with the booze of your choice.
 
Clean your FLASK FUNNEL after every use. Don't waste a drop.
Lookey, there's my flask I named "iPod' so I could tell my family:
"I'll be right with you, I just need to load my iPod!"

I recommend dark rum or Southern Comfort, unless you are going to be in close proximity to law enforcement or other adults. 
I imagine they will be my corporate sponsor one day

Shutup. I love this guy. He doesn't
judge your public drinking. Or Speedos.
If you are going to be in close contact with the general public (say bleachers at a t-ball game) and/or around Judgey McJudge-pants people, unless you're THIS GUY in the Speedo here, you probably don't want your breath to smell like rum. 

Career drinkers know that non-flavored vodka has that fresh, summery “I'm not drunk” smell. 

A water bottle works VERY well for this if you just want to carry plain vodka, or any clear liquid.
"I can't believe it's not water!"
Picture from hoax-slayer.com

Far from a *new* idea, my volunteer friends and I have been packing our "special water bottles" for over a decade now. 

These work great as long as clear liquor is your choice, you can carry this anywhere you're allowed to bring your own water. Just have at it, or discreetly pour some into your soda, lemonade, whatever your poison. I have done this with a small group of people and bottles of rum throughout an entire cruise. 

Drink ninjas. The kind of people you wouldn't mind getting stuck on a deserted island with.

My family and I have found our own way to quench our powerful thirst without calling attention to ourselves for as long as I can remember. My oldest sister Binky used to add cinnamon schnapps to a thermos full of apple cider for football games and throw in cinnamon sticks to mask the smell. Here we are making a roadie at my other sister, Moe's lake house.
Mmmmm, Disaronno and....anything

However if you prefer to add something that's not clear....say juice, flavored/colored or darker alcohol, these new pouches are your new key to happiness. Unlike cans, the top can reseal and unlike soda bottles they aren't full of soda and the promise of gas bloating and BPA.

On a hot day, the pouches are best if placed in the freezer for at least an hour before you venture outdoors. You can place in a cooler if you have that option, but don't use the same cooler as the kid's beverages. Those greedy little bastards will bogart the good stuff and having such a small tolerance, they will only be entertaining for a very short amount of time. I mean, that's what I imagine would happen.

*If you're only able to take along ONE of these, say because you are about to board an airplane so you can't take any with you, drink at LEAST half or more of the juice before filling the pouch with booze. Keep in mind: Your alcohol tolerance, your scheduled activities that day, and the possible need to operate any heavy machinery. 

ComfyTown always advises: FLASK RESPONSIBLY people. 

Seriously. 

Don't ruin it for the rest of us, or some uptight ass-bag will sue Capri-Sun until they will take these little beauties off the market and then what are we left with? 

Soda bottles? 

Giant old timey THERMOSES? Have you seen how BIG they are?

Actual flasks? Psssccht. Do you have any idea the kind of looks you get at a kids' baseball game when you take out an actual flask? Only pirates and Mad Eye Moody at Hogwarts can use an ACTUAL flask anywhere but in your own home anymore.  

In today's America, you can let your children watch awful ADD-inducing television all day long, let them play on an iPad all 24 hours, and feed them over-processed pink slime McAlmost-Food, but you can't have a drink or a cigarette in public without getting labeled as trash. 

I miss the freaking 80's. I don't remember much of the 70's, but they seemed really freaking groovy. Rambling into entirely a different subject, sorry. You need to be on your way to the grocery! Make it a GREAT DAY!

Takin it to the streets UPDATE:
I packed up a roadie and headed around town, trying it out. First, I took them to the bank because quite frankly looking at my bank account sober is so depressing.
Not a single fuck was given re: my drinking this in public
No one said a word so on to my not-so-secret Fashion Headquarters, the Goodwill. Yes, those are Dollar Store sunglasses, thanks for noticing.
Rocking my home-clipped SCHMEGGINGS: Jeggings shortened to Jorts
The pouch was almost empty at this point, one last stop: The grocery.
Bring on the spicy sausage, I'm well hydrated!
This store was the only place I ever had any concerns, that they would think I plucked this off the shelf and try to charge me for it. I finished it long before check-out and handed the empty a young-looking worker, who I didn't think would open it and smell it. She did not. Phew! 

In Conclusion: A full hour's worth of errands, enjoying my drink and minding my own bidness. Life the way it should be, taking ComfyTown TO THE STREETS.






53 comments:

  1. Tangent story that I actually WAITED to tell until AFTER the post. You're welcome:
    The term "penetrate the bunghole" is a beloved phrase in our family. Naturally.
    My oldest sister Binky bought a pony keg decades ago, and in the actual instructions written on the side OF THE KEG on how to open it, we found this phrase that made us laugh disproportionately for years after. Click on the words "it's an industry term" in the post.

    Don't say booze only tears families apart, it brings ours together time and time again.
    DFILY BINKY

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    1. Shout out also to the sometimes guest admin of my Facebook page, EMD, for posting a picture and funny comment about these sacks on her personal Facebook page. You're an inspiration!

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  2. Hahahaha, great post! I think the term "bung" or "bunghole" is used for wine kegs too. Also the source of the phrase "to be bunged up" i.e. constipated. Okay, too much information.

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    1. Not too much for me, thanks! We have had similar conversations so many, many times. Every time someone hears one of us say "bunghole" actually. A lot of the time, they don't believe us that it's a real term, which is why I included the link. Glad you enjoyed it. These pouches are awesome, we just packed a roadie for running errands today and it hit the spot. It's 90 degrees in Chicagoland, gotta stay hydrated.

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  3. Very cool idea :) And I'm right with you on the Disaronno with anything.

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    1. I haven't found a single thing yet that it's not delicious with. Pickle juice? I'll bet it would be delish .

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  4. I love the idea of "just loading up my ipod", definitely stealing that one!

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    1. hahaha awesome! Love me some day drinking, but yeah, it's hard to use the ACTUAL flask anymore. Where are supposed to use those now anyway?

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  5. hahahaha, I love the photos of you drinking at all the roadside stops! nicely done!

    and ps: "bunghole" used in reference to a Capri Sun is the best thing I've heard all week!

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    1. Thanks, glad you enjoyed it. The pics were a last minute thing, since it was so hot I was actually taking my packed juice bag with us and when we pulled in to the grocery, their sign ON THE WINDOW says "This little piggy is at market" but in that picture you can't see it :( The Goodwill one and the sausage one cracks me up! I hate sausage, but it's funny to me for some reason. After he took that picture, my husband "You look nice and SWEATY in this picture." Ah, summer.

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  6. This is all kinds of resourceful and clever!

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    1. You really HAVE TO think ahead if you're a day drinker these days. I mean, there are still the class work-arounds. In my mind the ONLY REASON reason do things like fishing, playing golf, is to be able to walk around in the day with a drink and not look like a hobo. "What, I'm not going to the park to get drunk, we're playing FRISBEE GOLF."
      These bags are great to add along to your daily chores though, if you don't have the option of sitting by a lake with a fishing pole.

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  7. I am pretty sure that we would get along marvelously, jail may be involved though so please secure bail money before.

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    1. My sisters and my mother are always at the ready with bail money. It's a looooong story. Kind of a family thing. Let's do this.

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  8. You are freaking hilarious. I love the "candids" meanwhile one more thing I can add to my list of how to be white trash. And I say that with the utmost reverence.

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    1. Oddly enough, I take no offense. My family is pretty proud to be white trash, for my 30th birthday my sister gave me a metal garbage can w/trailer lights around it filled with White Trash items like: Spam, Trailer Park Barbie and the like.
      I'm always glad to find fellow day drinkers!

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  9. Haha! Wow. That short post was LONG and hilarious!

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    1. Ha! It started out short, but I added the pictures later. I guess I should edit out the part about it being short, ey? Glad you liked it.

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  10. I can always count on you for the funny stuff, Joy!!!

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    1. *Gladiator voice* "Are you not entertained?!" :)

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  11. Well done! The buzz is always nicer when subterfuge is involved!

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    1. Agreed. Sneaking is fun. Especially when you don't have to not be clumsy.

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  12. Joy, when I first started this, I had to go back and re-read the start. I wasn't sure if I was reading a preamble to porn, or a teenage guide to tapping into the parents booze cabinet! lol I loved it! You need an over 18 rating though, or, sell it as a training manual for security guards at concerts! Good job!

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    1. Probably a good idea. Hardly anyone reads this, it didn't dawn on me someone under 21 or gods forbid 18 could sit still through my ramblings. Thanks for the vote of confidence!

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  13. HA-FREAKING-LARIOUS! You're like a flask superhero!!

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    1. Noice. Those pictures would be significantly better if I were wearing a cape.

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  14. As soon as The Kraken is out, I'll totally be attempting this. Or, just carry around my jug of Kraken rum, because I will have 4 children and Honey Badger Don't Care.

    Thanks for being our Guest Host this week!

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    1. It's my pleasure to guest host! I hear you, I have 3 kids and most days I can't believe I'm still sober at dinnertime. And some days I'm not. Whatever it takes.

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  15. Seriously, this is so awesome. I think this is the second time I've read it. I ALWAYS carry a water bottle. Guess what it's filled with? CARAMEL VODKA. And, I carried vodka in my cooch to get on a cruise once. Yep. I'm a helluva woman! xoxo

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    1. hahahahahahahaha
      1. I didn't think I was going to hear the word "cooch" today, so thank you for that.
      2. I knew we would get along just fine.
      3. Can you imagine if we went on a cruise together? That ship would SINK! Too much awesome in one place. You ARE a helluva woman.

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  16. LOL! If I drank, I'd be all over this! :0)

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  17. Simply brilliant! An army buddy of mine always tries to convince me to pour out apple juice and refill them with whiskey then ship it over to him at his deployment du jour. Seems he and the guys regularly bring their own 'apple juice' with them. I'll have to turn them on to this helpful hint. ;)

    Sorry I'm late stopping by from the Humor Me! Blog Hop.

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    1. Never late! Does that work? With the apple juice? Hmmmmmmm.
      Thanks :D

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  18. OMG @Joy this is tooo clever! thanks for referring me to this post, as I make my way to the liquor store.. I will be sure to use this advice!!

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    1. hahaha wait, I'm coming with you. I'm so glad you liked it.

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  19. OMG @Joy this is tooo clever! thanks for referring me to this post, as I make my way to the liquor store.. I will be sure to use this advice!!

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  20. Happy Friday! My Friday Flash Blog linky party is live @ The Jenny Evolution – a flash mob of blogs where you share your favorite posts of the week. Hope to see you there -- you may just get highlighted next week!

    Jennifer
    thejennyevolution.com

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  21. Excuse you for checking out those huge sausages while sipping on your "Capri-sun" ;) I cant even handle that picture right now!

    Desiree @CompleteBliss

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    1. ha I KNOW! I don't even like sausage, but for some reason those big ole things cracked me up. I couldn't quite explain to my husband WHY "sassage" as we say in Chicago (thank you Precious Princess) would be funny, it just IS. To me anyway. Glad someone else thought it was too. That makes me feel better.

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  22. Hahaha! Loading my iPod...love it. Now I am off to finish my grocery list....
    "Capri Sun"....

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    1. LARGE bag Capri Sun! The others are not refillable.

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    1. They're good to take almost anywhere! The zoo, the park, trick or treating on halloween, holiday parties....

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  24. Hilarious!! These are some fabulous tips! My favorite part was when you said not to pretend that I didn't have a flask funnel. Obviously I do - who doesn't?

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    1. We got one in a set as gift, best GIFT EVER!

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  25. Love this. Also heart "jorts." This post needs to go viral. I actually did hear of bung or bunghole on an NPR report about fake calamari & they, too, stressed it was an industry term. You and NPR - it's like one and the same.

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    1. I would be fantastic if I changed my blog description to "The NPR of day-drinking"

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  26. I think I'm in love with you.

    Side note: When you mix a darker rum (like Captain Morgan) with a cherry flavored soda (like Cherry Coke) the smell of the rum is masked.

    How do I know you ask? Five years ago, I added rum to my 20oz bottle of Cherry Coke and headed out on the streets of Boston where I wound up in line with my tickets for the St Patricks Day Dropkick Murphys Concert (yes, I know I'm cool) and the security guards checked all drinks before they allow you inside. I had heard prior to this you can't smell the rum, and *I* couldn't smell it, but I was worried and waited nervously while a young security man opened my soda and sniffed it. He handed it right back and waved me inside.

    See?

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    1. People are sometimes surprised how NOT KIDDING I am about the day drinking.
      Your news is totally awesome! Good information to know! I also happen to LOVE dark rum and cherry flavored soda, so this clinches it!

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