Zee Bloody Birth of Ballet: Small Truth, Large Pulp-Free Fiction

“Dear Diary, 
When I grow up, I never want to stop wearing tutus and shiny dresses, and walking on my tippy-toes. I also hate when Mommy MAKES me clean my plate, so when I grow up I will only eat candy and smoke cigarettes. And I will dance and dance and twirl and NEVER GO TO BED!”

  -- Young ballerina thoughts.

from The Simpsons' "Smoke On The Daughter"

I was innocently watching a line of perfectly-synchronized ballerinas, doing impossible-looking moves on those ungodly ballerina shoes, and once again I was amazed at the freaking freak of freaking nature that is ballet and ballerinas.  

from houstonballet.wordpress.com

Back when the Black Swan movie came out, I heard a horrifying piece (why did I not just type the word ‘interview’ ??) on NPR on the life of the modern ballerina, and the toll it takes on a human body….and soul. The stress, the diet of wet cotton balls, it makes them feel full without calories. Obviously a human person could not possibly consume more than 300 calories a day to fit in those outfits. The dedication and training involved in doing those moves over the course of a lifetime, is nothing short of torture.

Not to mention, once a dancer has “made it” to the point of being actually compensated for his/her art? The real hard work begins: The schedule, the practice, the playing hurt because gods forbid your UNDERSTUDY get to perform for you, and steal the one paycheck you finally get for all your sacrifices.

Beautiful ballerina feet. I AM SO SORRY FOR THIS
from theperformanceclub.com 

It got me thinking about who invented this cruel ironically beautiful dance? Who was the FIRST PERSON to say, “Hhmm, let’s make the world’s most impossible dance, combine it with the most uncomfortable clothing in the universe, set it to breath-taking music and make it a big, fancy thing.”

 You may have already known this, but King Louis XIV is credited with “enjoying” ballet SO MUCH that he started the first school of ballet in Paris 1661. 

King Louis XIV?? Huzzah! Given my vast knowledge of his history, namely watching the movie 'The Man in The Iron Mask,' I know that this man may have been a king’s king, but he was clearly not right in the head.

King Leo as The Man In The Iron Mask, GREAT movie btw

I immediately pictured lil Leo DiCaprio as King Louis yelling “Let zem eat cake, and dance le ballet!” 

That’s the kind of thing the rusty wheels in my wonderland dome turn out.

If you’ve seen The Man In The Iron Mask, you saw the side of old King Louis that I’m talkin’ bout, Willis. The man who left Paris starving while he pursued money and women.

Historic semi-RELEVANT TANGENT, possibly saving you a web search:

War monger part? True.

The twin brother looked in a dungeon thing? Pulp-Free Fiction.

I had a talk with my smartest best friend Google, who told me ole King Louis was a ballet dancer and he performed in this get up:

 from contemporary-dance.org

Right?! I mean, these duds would cheese ME off? Et vous? Oui ou non?

This would probably cause a normal person to want to make some changes, but an egomaniacal king? I pictured him plotting his revenge for this outrage! 

He would make ballet “The Next Big Thing,” and lots and lots of people would have to wear these outfits and learn that foot-and-soul-crushing dance. He would show them.

Zut alors! He would OPEN A SCHOOL (“Acad’emie Royale de la Danse”) to teach hundreds - non MEEELLIONS - of people to do this dance! They would have to devote their lives, and their very health to learning to do this.

I pictured the pompous king, talking to the French homme who helped him start this school, Pierre Beauchamps (great name, btw), and it went a little something like this:

from fanpop.com

King Louis XIV(in a horribly dramatic French accent): 

 “Let us be sure, when zey dance this dance, ze leettle ballerinas, zey will have to wear very tight, shiny tutus and show 90% of their bodies. 

Zey will not be able to drink zee wine and eat zee croissant if zey wish to dance! Mwu-ahahah!”(<-- French evil laugh)

Pierre Beauchamp
from answers.com

Pierre Beauchamp: 

“Very good, sire. 

How about zee shoes? 

Shiny, oui, bon, but let us also make them very, very uncomfortab-leh.”

from contemporarydashdance.org/ballet-history

King Louey: “Oui! Let them wear ‘orribly pointy shoes, and zey must dance ON ZEE TIP TOES. For HOURS!“

Beauchamp: “Sacre bleu! Sire, forgive me but that seems impossi-bleh.” (what? That's how they say that in France.)

KL: “Well then, put zee wood in the toe part of the shoe, let them practice balancing on it for years. I need this, Mon Dieu!”

PB: “As you wish, my liege. That may damage the dancer's feet.”

KL: *steepling fingers in an evil Monty-Burns-fashion* “They shall never be able to walk normally! Assuming any of them survive past ze age of 25 on a diet of only tobacco leaves and milk of the poppy,” (or Yee Old Absynthe or whatever the fudge was the Oxycoton of the 1600’s) "Zis will ensure all the dancers who dance this dance will only be YOUNG!"

PB: “Excellent, sir. If I may? This is why you are KING.”

KL: "Of course eet is! Now bow to me and make it so, you pig dog!"

End scene. *That thing with the fingers*

That is how I picture it going down.

For the rest of you that love to dance, but also like to eat...and say walk...don't fret Boba Fett. The answer came to me in searching for information about the first school of dance.

I did not doctor this in anyway, this is a live screen shot:

from stason.org