My Husband's Ashley Madison Profile

So unless you're living under a rock (and if so, do you want a roommate?) you've heard there exists in our world a web site wherein married people can search for other married people with which to break their wedding vows. Freedom isn't free, Murica.

That's right, I'm joking about a "very serious topic" and before you send me hate messages about how this is not funny, just know this:
YES IT IS. 

Everything terrible can be laughed at. SHOULD be laughed at. That's how we get through this. You laugh, you thank your Lucky Charms whatever the terrible thing that's currently happening in our terrible world isn't happening to you, and you move on. And if you're smart, you have some Lucky Charms. They're magically delicious.

And also? There is something else terrible waiting tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. And we have to move on however we can move on. And I move on? By laughing at things. If you don't like that, you're in the wrong place.

So when we learned about this, and just HOW MANY MILLIONS OF PEOPLE are on this site, we were....not at all surprised because my theory of humans remains unchanged:
People are the worst.

It was difficult not to be at least a little tickled at the idea that hackers broke in to their database and threatened to release the names. Yes, it's a travesty to all of us to have privacy breached, but also EFF A CHEATER. NawI'msayin?

Then I heard you could actually SEARCH the list to find names. My husband and I used to work together so we immediately thought of people we both knew that were probably on there. The people that are still alive, obvs. Anyone who used to work with us immediately knows who I'm talking about. A dirty cheater. Who died.

Notice how I'm not adding RIP or any other thing people do to suddenly respect a sh|tty person as soon as they're dead. Because: NOPE. I'm not doing that. I'll see him in Hell, and thank him again for recommending me to go to Florida for training and telling me to rent a car and have a good time. I did have a great time. I often had a great time and if I go to Hell for it, it was worth it.

Anyway, I heard on my phone you could search for names or emails and being the old-beyond-my-years person I am, I hate searching for things on my phone. I never did make it to my laptop to search because I'm lazy. Really lazy. 

Way too lazy to search for people I don't really care about. Way too lazy to have an affair. I mean, I would never betray my family like that. If I am not happy in my life? I will let you know, sir. But also, I imagine infidelity to be exhausting.

It's got to involve grueling, tiresome things like remembering lies, and also shaving my legs and whatnot. I'm not doing that any more than I have to. I've said on social media, WHO are these people that have the energy to lead double lives? I can barely handle my one relationship. 

I'm way too cheap and lazy to even set up a profile online to have sex. It seems weird to me. Maybe those people haven't heard of bars? I don't know, man. When I was single a friend of mine wanted me to fill out the leeeengthy questionnaire for e-Harmony. Have you heard about that? I literally answered less questions to get a loan for my condo. Not kidding.

She told me, 
"They need a lot of information to match you with your soul mate."

Aw sweetie. I don't know crap about romance you'll be shocked to hear, but if soul mates were real? My soul mate would never sit here and fill out all of these questions. Not in a million years.

I got pissed off a few weeks ago when I went to order PIZZA at a new place, and to place your order online you had to set up a profile. OH NO. I just called them. This is supposed to be an easy to get food. Take my money: The End.

I also couldn't do this online profile monkey business because I have a problem with my....what do you call that thing? Where you store the stuff? Oh yeah, BRAIN. 


This would mean remembering ANOTHER login and password. 

Nope. 

Know how I remember mine? 
Right before I get locked out I call my husband. 

That convo would be pretty awkward I'm guessing.

But I couldn't help but laugh at what my profile would look like.

"I like stuff. Do you?
Don't answer that. 
NO talking. Ever.
Hope you're not allergic to awesome."

Then there would be a million blank spaces/questions and probably some kind of notice that I'm behind on payment.

And I thought about what my husband's profile would look like. 

Now maybe you have to had met him, but really just know that he is the Stanley to my Helen Roper in the relationship. The very idea of him expelling energy to have to expel more energy is beyond funny.

I know he had done online dating before we met, and how I know that is well, that's a long story for another time. But I picture his profile to be a ton of lies about things he thinks he likes, because he thinks he's SUPPOSED to like them, but doesn't actually ever do. Like golf. He drove around with what may as well have been a toy set of golf clubs in his car for over a decade before I finally put them in the garage when I had to take his car to the grocery. No idea if they're still in the garage or still exist in this world or any other.

He had to fill out some personal things for a poster to hang in his cubicle at work and it may as well read:
"I'm a lying liar sitting on a throne of lies."

giphy.com

This poster is full of things he actually hates in real life. 

He says his perfect day would be:
Sleeping in (ok, that's legit)
Golf (hasn't gone in decades)
BBQ (I have to FORCE him to grill anything)
Bonfire (he HATES this, and all things outside espesh if he has to DO anything) 

So if he had to fill out a profile, he would probably just look for another person to play video games with. Not even in person, he used to play his friends online. 

He would add a ton of Sportsing to his profile, a lot of Star Wars pics and if there were any truth to it:

"No funny business tonight, playing video games."

And that might have been more funny if I had taken the 5 minutes to copy an online profile and fill it in, but I'm not doing that either. 

How about you.

What would YOUR profile look like?
Your spouse or significant other?

Aw-festi-FUL

It's summer, and I'm all for a festival. Nothing beats drinking from a paper cup in the street, am I right? But not all festivals are for all people. I need to be better about looking for signs.

Before you send me a message about this picture, READ this post.
Or at least the blog DESCRIPTION, re: SATIRE.
Google Satire, research it, and if you can't wrap your head around it:
UNFOLLOW and do NOT read this blog. Thanks, have a nice day.
from dailymail.co.uk

Some have great music, some have the mayor's cousins's garage band that does a fair Steve Miller band cover. We stumbled upon a high school band that really played their hearts out. However, they can't all be gems. Yesterday's trip to VeggieFest, or as my husband calls it's "Yucky-Fest," got me thinking we should probably do some research before we just go.

I wasn't expecting much. The vague description of 'vegetable talks and demos, music, family activities' told me we wouldn't be eating Shark On A Stick watching an aging, though respectable, David Lee Roth perform slowly like at Naperville's famous Rib Fest. 

Just to get IN to the fest from survivorsucks.com

I also thought maybe we wouldn't have to wait in long lines for everything like Rib Fest. George Wrongington. 

Admission was free, and there were a lot of crafts for kids, run by cranky vegans that really needed a good....serving of meat. They had a brilliant little open play place with toys for toddlers. I thought, "Wow, why don't more festivals have that?" Well, here's why. Because: People.

During the half an hour we endured this Tot Tent, we saw TWO different unattended toddlers. One who kept taking all of the toys right out of other kids' hands until I literally had to go pick him up and explain sharing. I don't think he spoke English and he didn't pay attention anyway. Good lesson for my kids. We watch children in our home, so they're used to having to explain sharing, and defend themselves. 

The 5 yr old's signature move is whining "He took my toy!" and breaking down in a pool of tears. The 3 yr old on the other hand is a baller. She yells something like "HEY!" and gets her toy right back. Usually making older and larger children cry. We're working on tact, but we don't worry about her survival skills in the cold, cruel world. 

So needless to say, we left that scene. There were 5 other adults in the tent when we left, so we didn't feel guilty about leaving the already unattended toddlers, still unattended. 2 moms were trying to figure out where the wandering 2-yr old girl came from. I pointed out a "Family Meditation Tent" and said maybe the parents were in DEEP meditation? *puff, puff, pass* might make the food better?

We walked past a long line for face painting, which is Lola's jam, but waiting in line? Not so much. We walked past several tents marked for speeches. Speeches about vegetables? Sounds corny. There were tents of organic products, and castille soap which I already use and my husband thought he was funny running over to look for a list of actual uses (you can make EVERY KIND of cleaner w/castille soap b-the-w.)

from thepoke.co.uk

Other than that, there was a long line for food tickets, huge sign read "NON-REFUNDABLE" and some food tents with long lines. It was over 90 degrees and we were surrounded by people who eat nothing but vegetables and wear natural deodorant, so without brutal detail we jogged to the air conditioned car. 

We went swimming at my sister's house, and that's the BEST SUMMER FESTIVAL I've ever found so far. 

Have you been to any good, or really bad, festivals lately?

Check this one out below, called The Boring Festival.

The chap from the Süddeutsche Zeitung was awfully polite as he quizzed Hamish Thompson, one of the organisers of the annual Boring conference, which took place in London on Sunday. 

He gestured to the Boring buffet: 

bowls of undressed iceberg lettuce, 

cucumber chunks on sticks, 

piles of white sliced bread, dry crackers and 

label-free bottles filled with tap water.

It was undoubtedly a Very Boring spread. 

Yet the conference was sufficiently interesting to attract not just the classier end of the German press but also 500 free-willed people who paid up to £20 each to spend a Sunday listening to a series of lectures on superficially tedious things: the relative heights of celebrities; letterboxes; and the features of a keyboard. Kathy Clugston, a Radio 4 announcer, discussed the shipping forecast.

The Strangle Is Real

Quick post to say "Hello my friends on the internet. I miss you so," and let you know why I've been neglecting you.

It's not you, it's me.

Summer, watching extra kids, taking on extra computer work, dragging my 3 yr old kicking and screaming to the potty 20 times a day, and trying to re-introduce my body to exercise (barf!) have kept me "busier than a puppy with two peters." I feel tempted to include a picture, but also afraid to Google that.

Don't worry, I'm not going all Maria Kang on you. I'd rather resolve to wearing nothing but judges robes and graduation gowns every day for the rest of my life.

It's just that my clothes are at their very limit. They still fit. Much in the way Bruce Banner's clothes still fit The Hulk. They're on, technically. Mostly.

"I WISH I were this tan, though!" from comicvine.com

They're making me quite uncomfortable. And they're mostly stretchy-type clothes so that's really saying something.

I hate shopping for clothing, and the paying for it part is making that not a realistic option. If I go one size bigger than I wear I'll have to have my clothes special ordered. The neckholes will be so large everything will just fall right off. 

My gym shoes feel like they have my feet in a headlock after about an hour. If I opt for the next half size up, they're too big for someone already very clumsy. So I tough it out. By afternoon I'm dying to take them off and throw them out the window. This must be why you see shoes abandoned on the side of the road. The Foot Strangle Is Real y'all.

There are entire Pinterest boards
dedicated to abandoned shoes.

I am thisclose to just wearing crocs every day, but since I'm not a famous charasmatic TV chef I doubt I could pull that off.

Whatever, I love this guy.
from gawker.com

I started participating in something called The Gravity Challenge. It made me cringe at first, you have to weigh yourself and send the picture of the numbers to your friends. Who PUBLISH that picture on the internet.

from pragmaticobotsunite.com

I thought I didn't care about the numbers, but just SEEING them for the first time in 2 kids and then thinking about OTHER PEOPLE seeing them freaked me out a little bit. The image of that number haunted my brain all through the day for a good 3 days. It made me not want to eat anything. How did it get so bad so quickly? So yeah, time to start at least thinking about thinking about it.

I started by just making better decisions, a little less sugar, a lot more water. I throw down a salad now and then. I do, however, remain firmly against kale. 

I am at least a Colonel in the War Against Kale. I can't find that meme I made that says "Kale tastes like f*cking spiders" but know that it still does. 

I said years ago, before Jim Gaffigan put it in his stand-up routine, that if kale is the only way to avoid cancer? I'll take the chemo. Every time. 

Kale is grown by heartless people in haunted caves and that place where Voldemort hid the necklace horcrux, and I do not need that level of evil inside my body right now. I would definitely go all Ron Weasley and start saying terrible things to people about their dead parents and whatnot. I'll pass.

This is me when I tried kale. I'll stick with lettuce and spinach. With fattening salad dressing because let's face it, I'm not going for a shiny magazine shoot anytime soon.

More water, kaleless salads and a few less carbs were enough to knock a couple pounds off just by itself. I know that can't remain enough, so I'm trying to fit in a workout or two every week. On top of our casual family walks and that kind of thing. 

I know I have to start slowly or I'll abandon ship pretty quickly. I once got a free week with a personal trainer. The dic--dude I mean, told me he would start me 'slow' and I could barely walk the next day. Yeah, that was the end of that week. And ever even talking to a personal trainer again. Buh-bye.

I've lost a lot of weight a few times in my life and I know for me I have to limit calories and exercise. That's the only way weight ever comes off. The slower it comes off, the longer it seems to stay off. I've started posts about this but never finished.

I can't diet food away. Well, I can with the help of pills that are either illegal now, or should be. As soon as I stop taking the diet pills? (Which b-the-w almost rendered me completely insane, yes even worse,) the weight comes back and brings friends. Not worth it. 

Don't believe the "miracle pill" hype. It's a system designed to create yo-yo dieting lifestyle. You take the pills and if they work? You lose weight. You stop the pills, you gain weight back. So guess what you need again? The pills. That's how they make money. 

Realistically you can't take any pill forever. Your body gets used to any pill you take, then you need more and more to have the same effect. At that time the side effects will cause major damage somewhere. Besides that, the ones that actually work usually mess with your sleep. Bad things happen when you don't get restful sleep. Trust me, having a job, and people who talk to you, is more important than fitting in those skinny jeans.

Soooo, I sadly will start trying to fit more exercise into my life. The only possible time I can realistically fit that in is the morning, which used to be the time I used for blogging. D'oh. Hopefully I'll work out a balance at some point. You probably don't want to read the angry things I would say after exercising anyway. 

You know how people say they hate words like "panties" or "moist?" Here are my most hated words:
Lunge
Squat
Plank (ESPECIALLY THIS ONE!)
Kale

Anyone have any suggestions? What has and hasn't worked for someone who hates exercise and refuses to "diet?"