2015-08-31

My Husband's Ashley Madison Profile

So unless you're living under a rock (and if so, do you want a roommate?) you've heard there exists in our world a web site wherein married people can search for other married people with which to break their wedding vows. Freedom isn't free, Murica.

That's right, I'm joking about a "very serious topic" and before you send me hate messages about how this is not funny, just know this:
YES IT IS. 

Everything terrible can be laughed at. SHOULD be laughed at. That's how we get through this. You laugh, you thank your Lucky Charms whatever the terrible thing that's currently happening in our terrible world isn't happening to you, and you move on. And if you're smart, you have some Lucky Charms. They're magically delicious.

And also? There is something else terrible waiting tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. And we have to move on however we can move on. And I move on? By laughing at things. If you don't like that, you're in the wrong place.

So when we learned about this, and just HOW MANY MILLIONS OF PEOPLE are on this site, we were....not at all surprised because my theory of humans remains unchanged:
People are the worst.


It was difficult not to be at least a little tickled at the idea that hackers broke in to their database and threatened to release the names. Yes, it's a travesty to all of us to have privacy breached, but also EFF A CHEATER. NawI'msayin?

Then I heard you could actually SEARCH the list to find names. My husband and I used to work together so we immediately thought of people we both knew that were probably on there. The people that are still alive, obvs. Anyone who used to work with us immediately knows who I'm talking about. A dirty cheater. Who died.

Notice how I'm not adding RIP or any other thing people do to suddenly respect a sh|tty person as soon as they're dead. Because: NOPE. I'm not doing that. I'll see him in Hell, and thank him again for recommending me to go to Florida for training and telling me to rent a car and have a good time. I did have a great time. I often had a great time and if I go to Hell for it, it was worth it.

Anyway, I heard on my phone you could search for names or emails and being the old-beyond-my-years person I am, I hate searching for things on my phone. I never did make it to my laptop to search because I'm lazy. Really lazy. 

Way too lazy to search for people I don't really care about. Way too lazy to have an affair. I mean, I would never betray my family like that. If I am not happy in my life? I will let you know, sir. But also, I imagine infidelity to be exhausting.

It's got to involve grueling, tiresome things like remembering lies, and also shaving my legs and whatnot. I'm not doing that any more than I have to. I've said on social media, WHO are these people that have the energy to lead double lives? I can barely handle my one relationship. 

I'm way too cheap and lazy to even set up a profile online to have sex. It seems weird to me. Maybe those people haven't heard of bars? I don't know, man. When I was single a friend of mine wanted me to fill out the leeeengthy questionnaire for e-Harmony. Have you heard about that? I literally answered less questions to get a loan for my condo. Not kidding.

She told me, 
"They need a lot of information to match you with your soul mate."

Aw sweetie. I don't know crap about romance you'll be shocked to hear, but if soul mates were real? My soul mate would never sit here and fill out all of these questions. Not in a million years.

I got pissed off a few weeks ago when I went to order PIZZA at a new place, and to place your order online you had to set up a profile. OH NO. I just called them. This is supposed to be an easy to get food. Take my money: The End.

I also couldn't do this online profile monkey business because I have a problem with my....what do you call that thing? Where you store the stuff? Oh yeah, BRAIN. 


This would mean remembering ANOTHER login and password

Nope. 

Know how I remember mine? 
Right before I get locked out I call my husband. 

That convo would be pretty awkward I'm guessing.

But I couldn't help but laugh at what my profile would look like.

"I like stuff. Do you?
Don't answer that. 
NO talking. Ever.
Hope you're not allergic to awesome."

Then there would be a million blank spaces/questions and probably some kind of notice that I'm behind on payment.

And I thought about what my husband's profile would look like. 

Now maybe you have to had met him, but really just know that he is the Stanley to my Helen Roper in the relationship. The very idea of him expelling energy to have to expel more energy is beyond funny.

I know he had done online dating before we met, and how I know that is well, that's a long story for another time. But I picture his profile to be a ton of lies about things he thinks he likes, because he thinks he's SUPPOSED to like them, but doesn't actually ever do. Like golf. He drove around with what may as well have been a toy set of golf clubs in his car for over a decade before I finally put them in the garage when I had to take his car to the grocery. No idea if they're still in the garage or still exist in this world or any other.

He had to fill out some personal things for a poster to hang in his cubicle at work and it may as well read:
"I'm a lying liar sitting on a throne of lies."
giphy.com
This poster is full of things he actually hates in real life. 

He says his perfect day would be:
Sleeping in (ok, that's legit)
Golf (hasn't gone in decades)
BBQ (I have to FORCE him to grill anything)
Bonfire (he HATES this, and all things outside espesh if he has to DO anything) 

So if he had to fill out a profile, he would probably just look for another person to play video games with. Not even in person, he used to play his friends online. 

He would add a ton of Sportsing to his profile, a lot of Star Wars pics and if there were any truth to it:

"No funny business tonight, playing video games."

And that might have been more funny if I had taken the 5 minutes to copy an online profile and fill it in, but I'm not doing that either. 

How about you.

What would YOUR profile look like?
Your spouse or significant other?




17 comments:

  1. I kid you not, I met my wife on a dating site, and her profile simply said, "I like to do things that aren't stupid and I have chinky eyes." Right then I knew she was the one.

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    1. hahahaha she sounds DREAMY. I would answer that ad. Even without a picture.
      I tried online dating for awhile, it was just south of a nightmare. I tried using a picture of myself with a giant mask on my head, to be silly. You do NOT want to know WHO answers those kinds of ads. DO NOT DO THIS EVER.

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  2. I'm with you, Joy. Who the hell are these hyperactive overachievers who have time and energy to lead a double life?

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    1. I really couldn't tell you. I don't think I even know anyone like that. Statistically I do, but I'll be darned if I could pick em out.

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  3. I think that most of the people signed up on those sites are men and they don't realize they are talking to men. kind of creepy unless they are into men.

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    1. I heard that too! That by the numbers, the dudes HAD to be talking to each other at least part of the time. And if you're into that kind of thing, just go for it. Don't hide from your family or anyone else. It will end horribly.

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  4. I freaking love your outlook on life, you are a rockstar my friend! As always awesome piece, very funny and so very true. I tried a dating website back in the day, E-Harmony as a matter of fact, and you are right, it was pure torture and a complete waste of time.

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    1. I'm way too lazy to lie, or yeah fill out an exhausting questionnaire. The thing also? I'm not a huge fan of myself, why would I want someone just like me? I mean, it took me over THREE DECADES just to stand being in the same room as myself, and that was only after hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars of therapy. So don't show me what people answered questions the way I did. Unless you have a reject file of people who typed "Fuck this shit." Show me those jokers, and let's all meet at the bar. No registration or password required.

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  5. I've actually tried those sites a few times... only to realize a few days later that I don't really want to meet some random person and try to be friends with them based on the idea that some answers on our profiles match. But the ones I tried were always free. Also I heard that eHarmony screens out the crazy people, and I probably wouldn't make the cut! ;)

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    1. Well, if e-harmony screens the crazies, they need better screening, as my husband and I got through. lol.

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    2. hahahahaha I LOVE that last line! I literally have a friend who went through the questions and said she was refused! They claim you have to be somewhat "spiritual" my friend is an atheist. I'm glad I gave up, I would never have gotten through either!

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  6. I had an opportunity to have multiple girlfriends back during that brief period when I was seventeen and actually not overweight (apparently, I'm pretty hot when I'm not chubby). Even then I was like, "Oh, hell no! Waaaay too much effort required.

    FYI: I probably wouldn't have an online dating profile because I'd be too content with my life just playing video games & watching Japanese anime. Lucky thing for Mrs C, she met me when I was remotely interested in human companionship. At least, I tell her she's lucky. She doesn't always seem to get that.

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    1. If that's you in your picture, you're pretty hot: Period. Plus I love a cynic, so you know, after reading your blog: Yeah.
      I'm glad you did meet Mrs. C before giving up on humans, it's nice to have someone there when you want to complain about the world!

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  7. LOL my husband has no time and no initiative to cheat on me. If he did, I'd give him a high five for expending the effort.

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  8. I laughed hysterically when the site was hacked and all those names cam out for all to see. What a bunch of idiots. Funny thing is from what I read and some TV reports recently there really were no authentic female profiles on the site. Basically it was deperate loser guys talking to other loser guys - and paying a lot for it! Hahahaha! Karms is a bitch!

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    1. I saw that, too! That is so hysterical to me. I'm sure there are some women cheaters somewhere, they probably just know all you have to do is go to any bar. Or anywhere dudes are. Anywhere. Ever. It's one of the few good things about being a woman. You never have to look far for sex.

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