The Latest Thing That's Trying To Kill Me

Want to feel better about your life?
I assume that's why you're here so I'll get right down to it.

I've had a migraine for ELEVEN DAYS now.
Today is Day Eleven of some crazy thing that at this point is trying to either teach me a lesson, or maybe just kill me. And right now, either way, let's just GET ON WITH IT already.
I wish he would just SHOW HIMSELF already.
I've forgotten what it's like not to have a headache. It's been that long. 

I woke up last week Thursday with a regular old headache that comes along with having a family, and by Friday noon-time I was ready for the ER.

My sister drove me there thankfully, I can't imagine an ambulance ride with 2 small kids and I really don't want to think about how that would work. At the ER they did some tests, CAT scan and a Spinal Tap, which it turns out is a real thing and not just a parody rock group that goes to Eleven. Though it did send my migraine to an Eleven, and beyond.

Apparently when they take fluid from your spine, fluid that acts as a cushion for your brain, there is a risk that you could cause yourself phenomenal pain and lose the ability to be upright for a number of days, maybe even weeks. This risk was downplayed by the ER doc for reasons unknown. 

The actual risk(s) of this and everything are still unclear to me thanks to so much information being available in our phones, that it has become an insurmountable task to even know which information is even close to what you might call truth.

I spent four days in the hospital with various people and things trying to kill me, including a compromised IV that formed a golf ball of IV fluid (and pain) to form in my arm and is still there. It's now down to a painful little grape-sized ball that no, you cannot touch and see how hard it is because it HURTS when you touch it. 

Got that nurses? When something hurts, DO NOT PRESS ON IT AND WATCH MY FACE FOR A REACTION. I realize you have to take your entertainment where you can get it in life, but pushing on that which hurts is exactly why karma delivered me to you hurling stomach bile for days right in your face. 

I have to give nurses credit for that. I don't know how a person steels themselves against other people's bodily fluids, but every nurse I threw up on did not even flinch. They stood there, ON PURPOSE, holding those ridiculous little plastic boxes that look way to small to be for vomit, yet there they are in 2015. 

When my own children, that came out of my body, get sick anywhere near me, I still have to shut my eyes tight and go to my happy place. But these angels just stood there, looked right at me, moved my hair out of the way and asked if I needed anything. That's some superhero sh|t right there. Arm grape ball of pain forgiven, all things considered I suppose.

So enough about bodily fluids. That part of my nightmare is getting better. Since then I've been able to spend a little longer and longer each day upright. If I force myself to stay upright longer than my brain can handle, I feel like I will vomit. So I've stopped fighting it and when the pressure gets bad I will lay down. I don't know what else to do frankly.

I did see my doctor, who thinks the original trigger was a combination of a viral infection (though she did say they use that a LOT as a culprit because there is no treatment for it and no way to discredit it as a culprit. Convenient ey?) Also sinus pressure and stress/anxiety. Also hard to discredit. Whether you have kids or not, you have stress. Woke up alive? Then you probably have some amount of stress in your life. 

My next step is a neurologist. I called and they're hoping to see me mid-October. That is  ONE MONTH from now. So yeah, I'll just have a headache for another month. NBD.

She did prescribe some low-dose prescriptions in an effort to look like she did something. It should be fun to see how all of those interact with someone in pain and always on the border of nausea.

I will write a follow-up when any other information is available, and/or I have any advice to give you on migraines, and/or I am able to write any jokes about the situation. You can see how well that's going so far. 

Not well.

The only advice I can offer is:
Try everything.
For me, almost nothing works. 

Laying down takes the pressure off, so I don't feel as much pain that leads to nausea, that leads to more pain.....
So now I just need to figure out how to live a full, satisying life laying down. Piece of cake. Blanche Deveraux's dream life, am I right? Sign me up.

Being a mom this way? Hmmmm....

Driving? That may be an issue.
Yes! I just need a side car! From fromtuoitrenews.vn

The major narcotic medicine they give you at the hospital took my pain away, but they didn't want to give me a prescription for that at home. All things considered I agree. Anything that your body can become addicted to, you would have to have withdrawal from. That could include headache. No thanks. I've become almost comfortable with the level of pain of my unwanted visitor.

The other things they recommend for migraine?
A joke.
My brain laughs at all essential oils, steeped ginger, soothing music, ear plugs and eye mask. Slightly help, but not much. I have to use the ear plugs to chop vegetables, and learned the hard way that you do NOT chew raw carrots with ear plugs in. Never do that.

I've taken to eating very quiet foods:
Soft fruit, like bananas.
That seems weird, but it's what I'm craving.
I wonder what cotton balls taste like?
Still better than kale I'm sure.
This is the only time in my life I do not want a taco. It feels weird to even type that. I mean, if you brought me one, I would take one for the team.

I stopped fighting the pain days ago, and just kind of roll with it. I'm down to one OTC Tylenol or Motrin every few hours. That means I almost always have some degree of head pain, so I move slowly (yes even moreso) and when the pressure gets really bad I lay down. This is my life now. With 2 small children. If it doesn't get better you'll see me researching euthanasia or something. 

The nice thing is when people find out you've had a headache for that long, they do ask how they can help you. I'm not even sure what would help me, it's just nice to see humans humaning. Even the neighbor, the one I did not murder, sent a text asking how she can help. I love that. 

My sister helped immensely at the beginning. I mostly just need someone to take my little noise-makers away for awhile. That helps. So. Much. They can't help they are headache-makers, they're kids. 

My 3 yr old should hire herself out as a professional Noise Maker. For parades and New Year's Eve? Who wouldn't want that. 

Anyway I'm just wondering if this is what my life will always be like. Will I just have a headache forever? Am I to be the mom who always has a headache? And my poor Stanley Roper-esque husband will be mad because I'll still find a way to demand husbandly duties.
"It promotes good blood flow! Relieves pressure! Other SCIENCE words I can't think of right now!"

Speaking of that, the pressure is building right now, must be the stress of mentioning Stanley Roper so down I lay my head. Peace out for now.

Be glad you have your health today, you never know man.


  1. Good god, I think I have my own migraine after reading what you suffered through. Isn't it amazing when something is triggered by stress? Your high stress situation put you in an even more high stress situation, so now you just need to get rid of all of your stress. Yeah, piece of cake.

    Just know that we're both laughing WITH you, and we're pulling for you, and we hope you feel better soon.

    1. Right? It's a spiral of bullspit in a world of pain. NOW I know what people mean when they say "in a world of pain." That is what an 11-day migraine is: A world of pain.
      Thanks for your support.

  2. Are cotton candy grapes, quiet food?

    1. Yes, they're not only NOT crunchy but Cotton Candy Grapes have eliminated the stress of my wondering whether or not EACH GRAPE is a sour one. They're all sweet.
      They've replaced Doubt with Confidence.
      They're the fruit of hope.
      The Zoloft of food.

  3. OMG, I'm SO SORRY! If I lived nearby, I would bring you soup and take your noisemakers away. Holy shit, what a nightmare!
    We were talking about you this weekend. I was telling Lizzi how much I like you, and that I wish I could be your friend in person, but I'm not anywhere cool enough, I know.

    1. Ha. I would LOVE to be your IRL friend! I need your DIY wisdom in my life. And your adorable kids, who look very quiet. Over the internet anyway :D

  4. Only you could write a post this funny about something that is not funny at all. I hope you feel better soon and they figure out what the trigger is and what treatment works best. P.S. yogurt is a very quiet food too.

    1. Thank you!
      And you're right, yogurt is an edible pillow. Especially compared to the pistachios I mistakenly ate.

  5. Oh wow, I feel so bad for you. That has to feel terrible. Maybe just get a vat of pudding and eat that. It's pretty quiet food. Hope the migraine goes away soon.

  6. In spite of your pain (and I really am sorry about that) I really enjoyed your post. Maybe your headache is because you are a stay at home mom and not a stand up comic! I promise, I will buy a book if you write one.......did that help your headache at all or do you hate me?

    1. Hahaha that made me feel MUCH better! And now I do feel like writing a book. It's nice to know you would have at least ONE sale. It's kind of scary otherwise! Thanks.