Old Man Crushes

I thought for half a tick about Wordless Wednesday and just posting pictures, but if you’re new here I am only Wordless in Bizarro World. I don't know of a day of the week designated for Word Diarrhea. 

For as long as I can remember, I have always had an older man “thing,” let’s just call it. I think this is innocent enough, as I have only ever assaulted ONE elderly gentlemen in a grocery store, but I was drunk and my husband was encouraging me. Not a good combo.
from movies.nytimes.com

I don’t have a male or female type, I like people for the way they make me feel. I don't find, say, muscular men to be tantalizing, simply because a few that I happened to date were totally compensating. I’m not saying they ALL are, *cough* totaldingus *cough cough* tinymanparts *cough* Is it dry in here? I am just going by my own experience. 

Give me someone I can talk to, learn from, someone who makes me feel things. Other than annoyed. 
For me, a lot of older men just have IT.
from efeblum.tumblr.com

What it is? Is hard to pin down. Different things about different people make my lady parts swell. When I was young I called it “Old man crush” but now that I am getting long in the tooth, these Dapper Dans don’t seem “old” anymore, they’re just older than I.

Maybe it’s because I have never had a Grandfather, or mayhap it’s my love of old television, or maybe it’s the bits of my former lives peeking through. I seriously get a weird wide-on for OLD jazz, even Dixieland, and fashion from the 1920’s through the 40’s. 

Especially the facial hair, my husband made this poor man? Take a picture with me in New Orleans.
N'awlins 2011

Count Comfula told this dude out of the blue: 
"My wife finds you arousing.” 

I know, I know, he’s too good to me.  (I know this guy is not an older gent, I’m just a sucker for the damn ‘stache.)


William Frawley (no I did not have to Google that) had to be one of my first older man crushes, from “I Love Lucy,” one of the greatest television shows of all time. 

I fell in hard candy, earlybird dinner love with Fred Mertz, the cantankerous landlord. He was quick with an off-the-cob joke, always carrying on like he & Ethel were in the ketchup, notoriously cheap, (so THAAAT’s where I get it from) and wore nipple-high wool pants like this:
from sitcomboy.com
Kiss me, you fool. The berries, right? You shred it, Wheat. Wouldn’t ya love to shake a leg in a breezer* and grab some giggle water with this dash-fire? You don't have to be a bob tail to admit you'd let him swing in the fruitful vine. Fred was the first of many.

If you’re under 50 you probably don’t even know who a lot of these gents are, but here they are in no apparent order.

Cab Calloway. Not only visually edible, the man’s music was like nothing I had ever heard. Jesus H. Tap-dancin’ Christ, look at this picture, could you DIE??
from last.fm
Ed Asner. Come ON. Watching Mary Tyler Moore as a kid, I thought he was the bee’s frickin knees. He acted like a big, tough guy grumbling and yelling at everyone to “Get back to work!” Then anytime Mary asked for his help, or God forbid she CRIED, he became the world’s biggest teddy bear. 
from abcnews.go.com

I wanted him to be MY boss, and chase me around a desk giving me a she-rection.

The man is se-HEE-riously hunky in a real man way. He is still hilarious and when he was on Chelsea Lately? HUGE flirt. 

William Shatner . Young AND old. Hello, Candy-pants. 

Let’s not even mess. Besides being obvious panty-dropping Man Meat since Star Trek’s TOS, I really fell in platelet-moving love hearing him interviewed on the Howard Stern show. 

He never even flinched, not when they named him “Jill” and took him down to (quoting) “the Homo Room” and violated him ON AIR. 

There are at least 3 of these episodes available on YouTube, and they are still pretty damn funny.

The man does not take himself too seriously, and is hysterical without trying to be funny.

Patrick Stewart. Oh my, George Takei. Oh Captain, my Captain. Set phasers to all my lady parts: Engorge! This is one of the only men all of my sisters and my mother agree is smokin' freaking HOT. In an episode or two of Star Trek TNG, he speaks French. Resistance. Is. Futile. 
from last.fm
It's not JUST a Star Trek thing, did you see him in Moby Dick? Insert your own penetration innuendo here. In-YOUR-end-o.

Richard Dawson. I’m Chico, this was THE MAN

Not only drop-deeed seeexy, if you have ever watched old episodes of The Match Game, circa mid-70s, and seen this flirtbag get his swerve on? You know. 

Randy talk, 70s clothes with a DEEP V, man jewelry and groovy sunglasses? On the scene, serious Sex Machine. I wanted to be on Family Feud with my weird family just to slip him the tongue. And I was probably not even 9 years old when he was the host. If you’re a woman and old Family Feud comes on the Game Show Network? Prep for vagboner.

Dick Van Dyke. Adorable both young AND old, but he really gave me fembone on the greatest show ever, “The Dick Van Dyke Show.” Moreso after learning that he did all that physical comedy while totally on a toot (drunk as a skunk.) SWOON. I may or may not have serious issues.
from cleveland.com
….and while we’re talking about that, Willis, Morey Amsterdam, “Buddy” from that same show? He was a cutey patootey AND slinger of phrases like “Where ya been? We been singin’ Bill Bailey so long, he finally went HOME.” I would have given anything to serve ole Sally a slugburger and take her gig as comedy writer with those two alligators. Murder! ('Wow' in old timey speak.)
George Burns – Duh. H'adorable.
from wallpaperpimper.com

Ian Mcklelan Gandalf from The Hobbit. 

He was on Kelly & Michael, and he said they told him to “feel free to Tweet that he was there” so he opened the window and said “Tweet!” but nothing happened. 

Google his name, click "Images," you’ll sport a major puffy.

These here next chaps aren’t OLD men per se, but I was a mere child when I fell in love.

from nytimes.com
Rip Torn. Foxie moxie. Seriously, yucks aside, up until I fell in love with my current husband I would have married Rip Torn OVER THE PHONE, even if he was on Death Row, if I had the chance.

And if he was crazy enough to ask me. Because even though I am not old-fashioned and it's not nineteen dickety-six, the girl can ask the man, vote, bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, he looks like HE is, so I’m guessing I would probably wait until he? Asked me. Too late now, Mac, bank’s closed. 

Yeah, these fantasies can be pretty elaborate if you entertain them. Watch the movie "Defending Your Life" and get back to me. Maybe it’s his likeness to Jack Nicholson. Speaking of….

from bibliocableyades.net
God help me. Have you seen “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” or “Witches of Eastwick.” Knickers twisted. This man drove me insane. I had to be institutionalized for awhile. I finally figured out those coffee-stain tests though, and got to the point where I was allowed to voluntarily check myself out and in. Then I moved a bunch of times and changed my name twice. Now I'm magically good like canned ham, CURED.

Mario Batali. Yeah I know he looks like the comic store guy from the Simpsons, remember the first part? About the way people make me feel? This is one charming-ass mother effer. 
from the fw.com
Especially when he rattles shit off like: “This wine is murky, sweet, and as rich as the dreams of the Portuguese men who squeezed these grapes.” This kind of shit gives real women the cliffy*.
 I don’t think he’s much older than I, but something about his spirit and perpetual GOOD MOOD, combined with the bringing of the bacon and frying it up in a cast-iron pan, his regional Italian knowledge and occasionally speaking Italian in a sexy sing-song voice? Makes me want to live in his kitchen. In a platonic way. Unless platonic is a deal-breaker.

I mean, as my fave blogger says bitches gotta eat.

I feel like I’m forgetting some, but if you’re a dame you’re probably a little dizzy by now. If not, what’s your story, morning glory? 

Tell me June who makes you swoon, in your pantaloons?

*Footnotes. Because sometimes "context clues" are bullshit:
In the ketchup = Having money troubles
Breezer = Convertible automobile
Vagboner = Vagina Boner
You can assume any female part+oner = lady part boner.
Cliffy = Clitoris stiffy
I would have loved to use old timey slang here for the dirty words, but if any birds DID use foul slang, not many of them took quills to squid ink to make a record of it. Other than the "fruitful vine," oh....bah-lush.

>> LATER UPDATED April, 2013 <<

I KNEW I forgot some. One gent I definitely forgot was Jeremy Irons. Hey, you get it or you don't. He is sexy in some of his movies. The voice, the bad guys roles, and I have always had a thing for longer hair:
from grokzone.com
In case you don't love long hair on guys, for whatever stoopid reason:
from euphrosyne.wordpress.com


The Perfect PBJ: Advice from Teenagers

My son is hilari-ass. As long as you never take him seriously. (Obviously.) 

He’s seventeen, so naturally he knows e-HEV-erything and I thought it would be nice if I took notes of the pearls of wisdom he freely gives, for all of you who are not lucky enough to have teenagers in your home. Because I love you. You, my friend, are welcome.

I honestly don’t know how you function without their infinite wisdom anyway, I mean HOW do you DO IT?? How are you able to live your life? How do you know what to do? What to say? What music to listen to? Good GLOB, WHAT TO WEAR?!

HOW do you know how to make a damn Peanut Butter and Jell-ay sandwich??

However you do it, let me tell you, you’re probably DOING IT WRONG.
from watchusplaygames.com

I have been making peanut butter & jelly for this almost-adult for over 17 years now, (and quite a lot, I have always packed his lunch every day since first grade, and neither of us has ever been a big fan of slimy lunch meat,) BUT somehow we did have THIS conversation this morning:

Tinny: “The last time you made me peanut butter & jelly it was bad. You put the least amount of peanut butter anyone could possibly have put. And I like GRAPE jelly, not fruit.  I told my friend <<grab a tissue for this part>>
‘Usually when your mom makes you peanut butter and jelly, it’s perfect. But now, I kick my mom’s ass at making peanut butter and jelly.”

I know, right? OUCH! Burn. Oh, the agony, Calgon take me away! I could NOT stop laughing. It’s been over an hour and I’m still laughing.

I know he meant ‘berry’ instead of fruit, but through gales of laughter I managed:

“First, the GRAPE is commonly considered a fruit. There is very little debate about this.

Second, either we were almost OUT of peanut butter because you ATE it all, or I was thinking I was making one for the little kids, who squish it and get it all over.

Third, I would so totally grab a notebook and make note of all of that if you weren’t SEVENTEEN years old, and your days of me making you sandwiches weren’t pretty much OVER.”

He was probably still salty because I tried a new wake-up method this morning, in which I thought it would be funny to keep throwing his dirty clothes at him, until they formed Mount Filth on top of his head.

That mountain of dirty clothing not only had to smell awful, but what it really did? Was block the light from his eyeballs, making it easier for him to fall back asleep. It did not however block out his swearing, his clothes are not sound-proof. Unforch.

Then, so as to I guess SOFTEN THE BLOW of his PB&J BURN, he said:

“It’s not the worst lunch, one time Dad didn’t have cash so he asked his girlfriend if she would give me cash for lunch, and instead she handed me a Target bag with this [in it]: ONE piece of bologna in between two pieces of bread, five carrots and ONE Oreo in a Ziploc.” 

Uh. Maw. Gawd. Maybe you have to know her and/or know HIM, but do you have ANY idea how DIFFICULT it is not to LAUGH YOUR ASS OFF at that, and instead channel your inner old man and throw down a “Well, that’s better than nothing.” 

I knew this was coming, he said “No, I would rather she just said ‘No’ and gave me nothing.” There is a history, and he is very sensitive to certain kinds of things, but my father would haunt me forever if I hadn’t thrown down:

“Look, I know math is not your thing, it’s not my thing either, but SOME food is always better than NO food. Do you know how many hungry children and people, all over the world, would kill for that food?” Because really.

“No Mom, it’s like she said “Fuck you” with that lunch. To Dad and [to] me. You obviously don’t know how she is.” I do know, but still UGH. By now my stomach is cramping with my stifling of ALL THE LAUGHS.

All I could come up with was:
“Hey, don’t miss the bus. Have a nice day, enjoy your orange marmalade!”

Parenting teens takes a whole different set of skills. Stifling laughter? Is not at the top of my skill set. 

I know now you’re DYING to know how to make THEE Perfect PB&J. Okay, I’ll tell you:

First, get the perfect bread. For me that means any whole grain, but it CANNOT be wheat if it’s for a teen! (My teen anyway.)

Second, only all natural peanut butter, but NOT the kind with all the oil on top because that is “SO gross.” There are plenty of spreadable kinds now w/out oil on top.

Third, either puree grapes & blueberries, and if you do, DO NOT FORGET to BLOT the extra liquid or it “squishes out all over the place.” It is easier to just buy Simply Fruit or Spreadable Fruit, obvi ONLY GRAPE! Duh.

from blog.silive.com
Fourth, apply the peanut butter liberally to both sides, not just ONE as society might pressure you to do. 

I would like to add a picture of the proper form for the visual learners, but Tinny just left with the last pieces of bread we had.

Spread the PB all the way to the crust, but thin out the amount toward the crust so it doesn’t squish out upon biting. 

Add just a light schmear of the fruit/jellay to the middle of ONE PIECE. Not both.

Put the two sides together, cut in half only for immediate consumption. Leave whole if packing a lunch. I wish I didn't have to tell you this, but NEVER cut off the crusts, are you trying to raise people or whiny little sissies??



No Need To Buy, We MADE A Zoo

Whenever a friend or family member gets a new pet, I wait 3 ticks for some jackhole to tell me how my kids need a pet. Why? Because YOU have to pick up dog poop, so I need to pick up dog poop? 
Try again. 

Companionship? I have THREE KIDS, and I watch extra kids. They have all the attention they need. They hide in their closet for alone time.
Security? hahahaha we live in a church town, and there are tumbleweeds blowing down our street day and night. 

kick ass Dumeril’s boa constrictor
Wait wait, hold the phone, Chuck, I should first clarify we DO have a pet. 

We have a really awesome snake. I’m a big fan. Here's a picture of him, isn't he just precious?? I know.

He’s beautiful, docile and shy, the best pet EVER for big kids and adults. 

He's not so great for babies, because they terrify him. And rightly so. 

I have no idea if he is in fact a HE, because the process to find out is expensive, and we decided to breed humans instead of snakes, so we don’t need to know. The vet guessed male, we’re fine with that because when we first got him, he would not eat for months so my son called him “Ghandi,” and like most nicknames in ComfyTown, it stuck.
Fenrir Greyback from digitalspy.com

I of course wanted to name him something super badass like “Fenrir Greyback,” a creepy Harry Potter character who eats people and describes how he prefers the taste of female flesh. (Why would you NOT want a pet named after that, amirite?!)

Or at least something like Boba Fett or Chuck Norris, bu-u-u-u-ut I did buy him for my husband, so it's his decision. And he often cannot make decisions to save his life.

He agonizes over effing lightswitch covers at Home Depot, you cannot even imagine HOW LONG it took us to come up with names for our homemade human beings. It takes FORTY long-ass WEEKS for a baby to cook inside a lady oven, and let’s just say if either of my girls had been born with boy junk, we probably STILL would not have named them. 

Or we would have given him a stupid-ass nickname like “Bubba Gas Bubbles” or something, and that would have stuck. Picture THAT name on a resume. Where would he work? For Sodastream? The company that manufactures the carbonators for people to make soda at home. I love that damn thing. They are probably the only company that would hire him. Bubba G. Bubbles would RULE at selling that shit!

I was looking for a picture of bubbles, or the Sodastream unit for reference here, and LOOK WHAT I FOUND. I think if the Count and I had a boy, and he obviously wound up working for Sodastream, and for some unknown reason MULLETS and toothpaste-colored suits came back, this would be HIM!!!! We're so proud of you, Bubba.
from futerra.uk.com
Sodastream's Salesman Of The Year: Bubba G. Bubbles

Sorry, I really need to rename this blog “TANGENT Dot Com.”

Back to our ZooAnyone who has visited ComfyTown, or seen pictures I have posted on my Facebook page you know the house looks (and smells) a LOT like a zoo quite often. 

My teenager’s room (and yeah, okay, usually mine) is of course a PIG STY. In true teen fashion, he can have a prickly porcupine disposition. 

from wildchina.com
My smaller children climb the furniture like monkeys.

The toddler, Lola, (age 3) is basically a show ponyOne of her favorite games is “Lions” where she walks around on all fours saying “Waaarrr!” and “I’m a Lion.”

Whenever we are waiting for her to “MY DO” which means do it herself, she magically becomes a turtle. When she first wakes up, or does something she knows she shouldn’t have done, she gives you her patented sheepish grin and says, “Oh, why my do dat?” (Making it impossible to get upset with her.)

She remembers all my verbal whoopsy swears like an elephant.
from adventure-journal.com
Both of my girls’ nails quickly grow into sharp eagle TALONS, and they both have their moments of funny charm like a cartoon bear

And then we have the BABY. Basically her own zoo on two legs.

She acts a LOT like a house cat. You might think that's adorable, but let’s face it, cats are usually dicks. 
from weruletheinternet.com

She eats anything like a goat, with the appetite of a wolverinesometimes right off of the FLOOR like a dog, chews paper and other non-food shit like a puppy
My 1 yr old ripped and chewed this SHIT UP!
She’s as cuddly as a koala, but cares about snuggling about as much as Honey Badger. She’s a deadly active alligator in the bathtub.

She makes L*O*U*D noises like some crazy frickin descendant of a pterodactyl. She is as stubborn as a mule.

She spits like a camel, and the other day? She was a tiger

thanks to her sister and an ill-placed tube of mascara. Click the 'fierce baby blah blah' link to read more about that. 

You’ll excuse us if we don’t bring any more LIVING [read: pooping] things into ComfyTown, it seems like it would just be less comfy. Besides, Count Comfula is allergic to everything with fur. And I may just add "fins, feathers, scales, and everything else" to that list before long.


Look, I'm Being Social! Sunday Social

I’m participating in a Sunday Social (NOT drinking tea, though, that’s where I draw the line on being social!) hosted by a lovely blog called “Some Days Just Are a Complete Waste of Makeup!” (Great name, ey?)  It seems like a well-behaved blog, so I will be on my best behavior. Which is still not great, but I did shower today. I didn't wash my hair, but that's a long (BORING) story. What's that about over-sharing? Oh, sorry. I'm new to this.

The Questions:

1.What is your favorite thing to do on a rainy day? 
Is this supposed to be family friendly?? I think so, so…….
Sleep in, drink coffee w/Baileys while playing Harry Potter cards w/my husband, then read and half-ass watch TV all day. Bu-u-u-u-t we have a lot of kids, so that might as well say "juggle flaming bowling balls and buzzing chainsaws", cuz it ain’t happenin. I just love when we don’t have a me-e-ellion things to do.

2. What is your favorite thing to do on a summer weekend? 
Go to farmers markets, outdoor festivals that have live music and beer in plastic cups. (Did I mention I’m SUPER classy?!) 
We don’t last long there either w/the babies, so we BBQ a lot and have TONS of yardwork (BARF) that we hate to do. We usually do a tiny amount every weekend, instead of getting it all over and done with at once, like big people do.

3. What is your favorite spring accessory? 
Earplugs or my iPod. Both my REAL iPod, and my flask, which I re-named “iPod” about a month ago, so I could honestly say to my family “I’ll be ready for this day in just a minute, right after I LOAD MY iPOD!” 
from 43things.com

A-a-a--a-a-anyway, you need them here in the Spring more than ever because INSIDE ComfyTown all spring? All you can hear is our anal-retentive neighbors’ leaf blower all day and night until every single freaking LEAF and blade of grass is perfectly manicured and/or bagged and done away with. We like walking our monsters, going to the muddy park, cleaning up the fall leaves we didn’t get to in the fall. Whoopsy. (Our neighbors RE-HE-ALLY love us!)

4.What is your favorite way to spend a winter day? 
Doing as little as possible. I like to visit our zoo once a winter, they have TONS of indoor (stinky) stuff and they have peppermint schnapps & cocoa. (It’s not hard to make me happy, as you can see.
I also volunteer, and my favorite volunteer event is in February. It is the annual fund raising gala for Equality Illinois, a non-profit for civil rights for the LGBT community in Illinois. (Click on "Equality Illinois" to learn about the awesome charity and the event. AFTER you finish reading this little nugget of pure gold, of course.) Once that is over, winter can SUCK IT.

5.What is your favorite season and why? 
Fall. Weather, it’s easier for asthmatics to breathe when the humidity is gone. Halloween. Weirdos like Halloween. (I’d like credit for the fact that I did not mention any booze in this answer! I don’t need a meeting, dang it!)

6. What is the best birthday you have ever had? 

My birthdays are all the same. My birthday is Christmas Day and we’re not Jewish so it’s like Groundhog Day.

from zazzle.com
I mean if Groundhog Day were CHRISTMAS. Know what I mean?

Plus I have kids, so it’s all about them now. Not to be a whiny lil bitch about it, I don’t know what a birthday is supposed to feel like, because mine feel like Christmas. 

I try to make every day as awesome as possible. My husband usually makes me breakfast on my birthday, so no complaints!