For as long as I can remember, I have always had an older man “thing,” let’s
just call it. I think this is innocent enough, as I have only
ever assaulted ONE elderly gentlemen in a grocery store, but I was drunk and my
husband was encouraging me. Not a good combo.
I don’t have a male or female type, I like people for the way they make me feel. I don't find, say, muscular men to
be tantalizing, simply because a few that I happened to date were totally compensating. I’m not saying
they ALL are, *cough* totaldingus *cough cough* tinymanparts *cough* Is it dry in here? I am just going by my own experience.
Give me someone I can talk to, learn from, someone who makes me feel things. Other than annoyed.
Give me someone I can talk to, learn from, someone who makes me feel things. Other than annoyed.
For me, a lot of older men just have IT.
from efeblum.tumblr.com |
What it
is? Is hard to pin down. Different things about different people make my lady
parts swell. When I was young I called it “Old man crush” but now that I am
getting long in the tooth, these Dapper Dans don’t seem “old” anymore, they’re just
older than I.
Maybe it’s because I have never had a
Grandfather, or mayhap it’s my love of old
television, or maybe it’s the bits of my former lives peeking through. I
seriously get a weird wide-on for OLD jazz, even Dixieland, and fashion from
the 1920’s through the 40’s.
Especially the facial hair, my husband made this
poor man? Take a picture with me in New Orleans.
N'awlins 2011 |
Count Comfula told this dude out of the blue:
"My wife finds you
arousing.”
I know, I know, he’s too good to me. (I know this guy is not an older gent, I’m just a
sucker for the damn ‘stache.)
OLD MAN CRUSHES:
William
Frawley (no I
did not have to Google that) had to be one of my first older man crushes,
from “I Love Lucy,” one of the greatest television shows of all time.
I fell in hard candy, earlybird dinner love with Fred Mertz, the cantankerous landlord. He was quick with an
off-the-cob joke, always carrying on like he & Ethel were in the ketchup, notoriously cheap, (so THAAAT’s
where I get it from) and wore nipple-high wool pants like this:
from sitcomboy.com |
Kiss me, you fool. The berries, right? You
shred it, Wheat. Wouldn’t ya love to shake a leg in a breezer* and grab some giggle water with this dash-fire? You don't have to be a bob tail to admit you'd let him swing in the fruitful vine. Fred was the first of many.
If you’re under 50 you probably don’t even
know who a lot of these gents are, but here they are in no apparent order.
Cab
Calloway. Not only visually edible, the man’s music was
like nothing I had ever heard. Jesus H. Tap-dancin’ Christ, look at this
picture, could you DIE??
from last.fm |
Ed
Asner. Come ON. Watching Mary Tyler Moore as a kid,
I thought he was the bee’s frickin knees. He acted like a big, tough guy grumbling
and yelling at everyone to “Get back to work!” Then anytime Mary asked for his
help, or God forbid she CRIED, he became
the world’s biggest teddy bear.
from abcnews.go.com |
I wanted him to be MY boss, and chase me around
a desk giving me a she-rection.
The man is se-HEE-riously hunky in a real
man way. He is still hilarious and when he was on Chelsea Lately? HUGE flirt.
William Shatner . Young AND old. Hello,
Candy-pants.
Let’s not even mess. Besides being obvious panty-dropping Man Meat
since Star Trek’s TOS, I really fell in platelet-moving love hearing him interviewed
on the Howard Stern show.
He never even flinched, not when they named him “Jill”
and took him down to (quoting) “the
Homo Room” and violated him ON AIR.
There are at least 3 of these episodes available on YouTube, and they are still pretty damn funny.
The man does not take himself too seriously, and is hysterical without trying to be funny.
Patrick Stewart. Oh my, George Takei. Oh Captain, my Captain. Set phasers to all my lady parts: Engorge! This is one of the only men all of my sisters and my mother agree is smokin' freaking HOT. In an episode or two of Star Trek TNG, he speaks French. Resistance. Is. Futile.
There are at least 3 of these episodes available on YouTube, and they are still pretty damn funny.
The man does not take himself too seriously, and is hysterical without trying to be funny.
Patrick Stewart. Oh my, George Takei. Oh Captain, my Captain. Set phasers to all my lady parts: Engorge! This is one of the only men all of my sisters and my mother agree is smokin' freaking HOT. In an episode or two of Star Trek TNG, he speaks French. Resistance. Is. Futile.
from last.fm |
It's not JUST a Star Trek thing, did you see him in Moby Dick? Insert your own penetration innuendo here. In-YOUR-end-o.
joeprose.typepad.com |
Richard Dawson. I’m Chico, this was THE MAN.
Not
only drop-deeed seeexy, if you have ever watched old episodes of The Match
Game, circa mid-70s, and seen this flirtbag get his swerve on? You know.
Randy talk,
70s clothes with a DEEP V, man jewelry and groovy sunglasses? On the scene, serious Sex
Machine. I wanted to be on Family Feud with my weird family just to slip him
the tongue. And I was probably not even 9 years old when he was the host. If you’re a woman and
old Family Feud comes on the Game Show Network? Prep for vagboner.
Dick
Van Dyke. Adorable both young AND old, but he really gave me
fembone on the greatest show ever, “The Dick Van Dyke Show.” Moreso after
learning that he did all that physical comedy while totally on a toot (drunk as a skunk.)
SWOON. I may or may not have serious issues.
from cleveland.com |
….and while we’re talking about that, Willis,
Morey Amsterdam, “Buddy” from that same show? He was a cutey patootey AND
slinger of phrases like “Where ya been? We been singin’ Bill Bailey so long, he
finally went HOME.” I would have given anything to serve ole Sally a slugburger
and take her gig as comedy writer with those two alligators. Murder! ('Wow' in old timey speak.)
George
Burns – Duh. H'adorable.
from wallpaperpimper.com |
epicdemotivation.com |
Ian
Mcklelan Gandalf from The
Hobbit.
He was on Kelly & Michael, and he said they told him to “feel free to Tweet
that he was there” so he opened the window and said “Tweet!” but nothing
happened.
Google his name, click "Images," you’ll sport a major puffy.
These here next chaps aren’t OLD men per se, but I
was a mere child when I fell in love.
from nytimes.com |
Rip
Torn. Foxie moxie. Seriously, yucks aside, up until I fell
in love with my current husband I would have married Rip Torn OVER THE PHONE, even if
he was on Death Row, if I had the chance.
And if he was crazy enough to ask me. Because even though I am not old-fashioned and it's not nineteen dickety-six, the girl can ask the man, vote, bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, he looks like HE is, so I’m guessing I would probably wait until he? Asked me. Too late now, Mac, bank’s closed.
Yeah, these fantasies can be pretty elaborate
if you entertain them. Watch the movie "Defending Your Life" and get back to me. Maybe it’s his likeness to Jack Nicholson. Speaking of….
from bibliocableyades.net |
Mario Batali. Yeah I know he looks like the comic store guy from the Simpsons, remember the first part? About the way people make me feel? This is one charming-ass mother effer.
Especially when he rattles
shit off like: “This wine is murky, sweet, and as rich as the dreams of the
Portuguese men who squeezed these grapes.” This kind of shit gives real women
the cliffy*. I don’t think he’s much older than I, but something about his spirit and
perpetual GOOD MOOD, combined with the bringing of the bacon and frying it up in a cast-iron pan, his regional Italian knowledge and
occasionally speaking Italian in a sexy sing-song voice? Makes me want to live in his kitchen. In a
platonic way. Unless platonic is a deal-breaker.
from the fw.com |
I mean, as my fave blogger says bitches gotta eat.
I feel like I’m forgetting some, but if you’re
a dame you’re probably a little dizzy by now. If not, what’s your story,
morning glory?
Tell me June who makes you swoon, in your pantaloons?
____________________________________________
*Footnotes. Because sometimes "context clues" are bullshit:
In the ketchup = Having money troubles
Breezer = Convertible automobile
Vagboner = Vagina Boner
You can assume any female part+oner = lady part boner.
Cliffy = Clitoris stiffy
I would have loved to use old timey slang here for the dirty words, but if any birds DID use foul slang, not many of them took quills to squid ink to make a record of it. Other than the "fruitful vine," oh....bah-lush.Tell me June who makes you swoon, in your pantaloons?
____________________________________________
*Footnotes. Because sometimes "context clues" are bullshit:
In the ketchup = Having money troubles
Breezer = Convertible automobile
Vagboner = Vagina Boner
You can assume any female part+oner = lady part boner.
Cliffy = Clitoris stiffy
____________________________________________________________________
>> LATER UPDATED April, 2013 <<
I KNEW I forgot some. One gent I definitely forgot was Jeremy Irons. Hey, you get it or you don't. He is sexy in some of his movies. The voice, the bad guys roles, and I have always had a thing for longer hair:
from grokzone.com |
from euphrosyne.wordpress.com |