March Menthol Cigarette Milkshake

That sounds sooo good, doesn’t it? 

Get ready for my best geezer impression:
“When I was younger, I used to look forward to Shamrock Shake season, weather was getting warmer, and you could even ask them to put half chocolate/half mint. That's like a food-gasm. 

Now-a-days, it’s cold in March and the Scam-hock shake? Tastes like green cancer. Everything was five cents! and other-old-people-crap!” *shakes fist*
from wtfcontent.com
Maybe we do KNOW TOO MUCH, or perhaps it’s the clear cup that lets you see the syrup separation, or mayhap I’m just OLD now, but what the freak did they DO to mess up ice cream and milk with mint flavoring? 

It tastes like someone put out a Newport in an old glass of NyQuil and milk.
from 123rf.com

Seems like an easy thing, but I guess when you ship your “food” to all points of the globe and Corporate says they all have to taste the same, you can’t use actual FOOD and start replacing it with space-age polymers. And they taste like it.

I won’t get into the page-long list of chemicals, the internet is infested with web sites that will list them all out. http://www.dietitiancassie.com/whats-in-a-shamrock-shake/

Don't panic 'Murica, I’m just talking about getting some satisfaction for what you’re putting your body through. Like that old Friends analogy of NOT cheating on the person you're dating.....unless it's with someone HOT. Not worth it. Sham shake is THEE official ugly friend of ice cream. You CAN do better. 

Nevermind the 530 calories, for a SMALL (according to  www.mcdonalds.com)  and 21.5 teaspoons of sugar. 

You might be thinking “Hey who cares? It’s a treat. Eff off.”  I’m not taking candy from your baby, I’m just saying if you’re going to consume that many calories, make it worth your while, Sister. Get the most BANG for that SUGAR BUCK. 

You’re better off throwing down my home-brewed fave stress drink, the Cake-tini. You will soon see, I KNOW about sugar craving. 

I used to call this "PMS Pie" I don't even want to explain why that makes me cringe.

The Cake-tini:
Put ~1/6 – 1/8 of a box of cake mix in a glass.
Add just enough water to form a thick liquid.
Stir. Drink. Well, actually EAT with a spoon. Win at life.

If you’re craving sugar? This will GET IT DONE. In a recent survey I just made up to prove my point, this is 99% better tasting with probably less damage to your body.

from uproxx.com
Believe me, I’m not preaching about the fatty ice cream. I could smoke a stick of butter and still feel awesome. 

I also like astronaut ice cream, so something is pretty wrong if I won’t put a shake in my shame hole. 

Not to judge if you’re a fan, but you might? 
Want to stop smoking that carton of smokes per day that clearly burned out all of your taste buds.

In the meantime, if you don’t want to fill your mouth with the taste of green plastic, here are a couple of suggestions should you get a hankering for Green Stuff in March, or ever.

Have a beer. Or any fun, festive cocktail. Green River is at Binny's.

Dye your milk green

OR make your own minty shake at home in a blender w/mint chocolate chip ice cream and milk.

ThinMint Shake
Girl Scout thin mint cookies.
Ice cream. Literally any flavor.
Add Bailey’s Mint Chocolate to kick all forms of butt. 

Or JUST have Bailey's Mint with ice. Boom. You win.

If you’re watching calories, (and good for you just don’t watch mine) or you want to FEED your body some actual NUTRITION while you're at it, make a smoothie. Wait wait, this word can mean anything from milk with ice, to ice cream to yogurt or frozen yogurt, and they CAN taste good. 

Almost anything you add at home will be better for you than a McShake. Even if you put a cigarette in it.

Add whatever you like, fruit, nuts -- don't believe the media hype, you can eat almonds, they are a superfood. Your body won't have cravings if you FEED IT with nutrients. For fiber add flaxseed, chia seed, or psyllium husks to make you feel full. For flavor add chocolate syrup, peanut butter, caramel syrup, etc.

Google smoothies, you get the idea.

I hate yogurt. I feel like I'm spoon feeding myself post-nasal drip, but that hooker from Trading Places says it makes you poop, so I blend it with ice, milk, fruit, sometimes protein powder and whatnot to choke it down. 

If you mix spinach with any of these things? You can hardly taste it.

Minty Smoothie (super clever name, I know)

2 cups milk, whatever kind. You can add yogurt or FroYo if you prefer.
4-6 ice cubes for texture. Use ice cream for extra awesome.
1-2 tsp cocoa powder.
Peppermint extract to taste (1/4 tsp should be plenty.)
  (Didn't have any, I used Andes candy pieces from Xmas.)
At least 2-3 leaves of spinach for color (you won’t taste them.)
½ banana for sweetness.
Optional: Any other fruit to make it sweeter.

Put all that crap in a blender and blend until super smooth.

This tastes better than it sounds. You can personalize it as you like or use a search engine and enter the ingredients you have in your kitchen. (I do this for dinner pretty frequently, you’d be surprised how many hits you get for “chicken, red pepper, 1 slice cheese” -About 3,990,000 results.)

If you’re lactose intolerant, use almond milk or just use fruit and water. A pear blended with water and 4 ice cubes is pretty darn refreshing.

If you don’t want to go through the trouble of making these, but you STILL crave the McD’s shakes? 
You could try this:

Smoke a menthol cigarette. One step, no calories, minty fresh!
from albertoalemanno.eu
Ask someone who smokes menthol cigarettes if you can lick their ashtray. I’m pretty sure this would still kill you slower than a sham shake.
from en.wikipedia.org
Look on the bottom of restaurant tables for mint-flavored gum.
from wikihow.com
If you really just have to have one, go for it. Just don't come crying to me looking for donations when you get cancer from minty free radical damage. No 5K can un-kill those cells. 

Most of this is sweary nonsense, but cancer is no joke, folks. It's not the sugar, it's all the processed chemicals and lack of any real food, and nutrition. Click here to quickly learn a little about how antioxidants stabilize cell damage.

Since I just threw you a semi-serious link, I should balance things out by sharing this post about McD's characters of yesteryear, e.g. Hamburglar and Grimace, who is apparently related to the “king of all grimaces.”


  1. That thin mint shake sounds heavenly.

    I'm not much for milkshakes typically, but that green McShake sounds McNasty. Then again, anything at McDonalds is pretty gross these days.

    Meanwhile, I just can't stand the green beer. Do we have to make everything green? Here's you green burger, with a side of green fries?

    1. If green fries were smothered in guacamole, I would look around for naked people because I must be dreaming.
      No, no we don't have to add artificial flavor to anything, but bars all over Chicago do it every year. I'd rather have THAT than anything at McDonald's if those are my only two choices, and death is not an option. Well, immediate death I mean. Artificial colors have been shown to kill, but not reliably or quickly.

  2. Hahahaha! Too funny. I love the recipe with the almond milk - cow milk does not agree with me. Glad I found you through the TGIF Blog Hop!

    1. Hi there! Welcome. Almond milk makes THEEE best smoothies! My daughter doesn't like cow's milk so we always have almond milk, which is better for me anyway. I have asthma and too much dairy causes inflammation. She's 3 and smoothies are a perfect way to sneak in some veggies :)

  3. Loved your post! I was cracking up!!! Stopping by from Sunday Social! :)


    1. Glad you liked it! I will check out your blog right now.

  4. Absolutely Hilarious!!!


  5. Ugh, I so agree! Dyeing anything green makes it seem unappetizing to me. Although if they dipped a Big Mac in green dye I'd probably still eat it.

    1. Agreed. On all of that. When you get a hankering for a Big Mac, you don't really have your best interest in mind. You just need to get it done.

  6. I want to have a Bailey's now just to keep me on my high from reading your hilarious shenanigans/recipes! I love cigarettes AND I love shakes! One is clearly better than the other so I just admire others who are bold enough to puff while I watch my chia seeds swirl around in powder and milk to keep my day "regular." Definitely going to try one of your minty recommendations!

    1. I'm not here to judge you, puff away! I'm glad you enjoyed it. I feel like a cigarette with an iced glass of Bailey's would be delightful.

  7. I want to have a Bailey's now just to keep me on my high from reading your hilarious shenanigans/recipes! I love cigarettes AND I love shakes! One is clearly better than the other so I just admire others who are bold enough to puff while I watch my chia seeds swirl around in powder and milk to keep my day "regular." Definitely going to try one of your minty recommendations!

  8. Thanks for the giggle. I hate yogurt too until I found greek yogurt. Now a "treat" is greek yogurt, brown rice syrup/honey, dutch cocoa powder mixed together with a bit of coconut dumped on top. For my pms-ness, it is enough like chocolate pudding to make her shut up about sugar cravings.

    1. I will have to look into brown rice syrup. I cannot stand the smell of honey, aka Bee Poop. I did find chocolate whipped yogurt, which is probably barely even healthy, but it IS delicious.

  9. I have always hated that shake, it could be 0 calories I would still not get it. However, if I drive over to Steak and Shake I can happily find 10 to take it's place.

    1. Mmmmm, steak and shake. I also see commercials for Sonic with disgustingly delicious-looking shakes, but I have never eaten there. And I hope I never do, it looks too tempting.