March Menthol Cigarette Milkshake

That sounds sooo good, doesn’t it? 

Get ready for my best geezer impression:

“When I was younger, I used to look forward to Shamrock Shake season, weather was getting warmer, and you could even ask them to put half chocolate/half mint. That's like a food-gasm. 

Now-a-days, it’s cold in March and the Scam-hock shake? Tastes like green cancer. Everything was five cents! and other-old-people-crap!” *shakes fist*

from wtfcontent.com

Maybe we do KNOW TOO MUCH, or perhaps it’s the clear cup that lets you see the syrup separation, or mayhap I’m just OLD now, but what the freak did they DO to mess up ice cream and milk with mint flavoring? 

It tastes like someone put out a Newport in an old glass of NyQuil and milk.

from 123rf.com

Seems like an easy thing, but I guess when you ship your “food” to all points of the globe and Corporate says they all have to taste the same, you can’t use actual FOOD and start replacing it with space-age polymers. And they taste like it.

I won’t get into the page-long list of chemicals, the internet is infested with web sites that will list them all out. http://www.dietitiancassie.com/whats-in-a-shamrock-shake/

Don't panic 'Murica, I’m just talking about getting some satisfaction for what you’re putting your body through. Like that old Friends analogy of NOT cheating on the person you're dating.....unless it's with someone HOT. Not worth it. Sham shake is THEE official ugly friend of ice cream. You CAN do better. 

Nevermind the 530 calories, for a SMALL (according to  www.mcdonalds.com)  and 21.5 teaspoons of sugar. 

You might be thinking “Hey who cares? It’s a treat. Eff off.”  I’m not taking candy from your baby, I’m just saying if you’re going to consume that many calories, make it worth your while, Sister. Get the most BANG for that SUGAR BUCK. 

You’re better off throwing down my home-brewed fave stress drink, the Cake-tini. You will soon see, I KNOW about sugar craving. 

I used to call this "PMS Pie" I don't even want to explain why that makes me cringe.

The Cake-tini:

Put ~1/6 – 1/8 of a box of cake mix in a glass.

Add just enough water to form a thick liquid.

Stir. Drink. Well, actually EAT with a spoon. Win at life.

If you’re craving sugar? This will GET IT DONE. In a recent survey I just made up to prove my point, this is 99% better tasting with probably less damage to your body.

from uproxx.com

Believe me, I’m not preaching about the fatty ice cream. I could smoke a stick of butter and still feel awesome. 

I also like astronaut ice cream, so something is pretty wrong if I won’t put a shake in my shame hole. 

mcgarnagle.com

Not to judge if you’re a fan, but you might? 

Want to stop smoking that carton of smokes per day that clearly burned out all of your taste buds.

In the meantime, if you don’t want to fill your mouth with the taste of green plastic, here are a couple of suggestions should you get a hankering for Green Stuff in March, or ever.

Have a beer. Or any fun, festive cocktail. Green River is at Binny's.

Dye your milk green. 

OR make your own minty shake at home in a blender w/mint chocolate chip ice cream and milk.

ThinMint Shake

Girl Scout thin mint cookies.

Ice cream. Literally any flavor.

Add Bailey’s Mint Chocolate to kick all forms of butt. 

Or JUST have Bailey's Mint with ice. Boom. You win.

If you’re watching calories, (and good for you just don’t watch mine) or you want to FEED your body some actual NUTRITION while you're at it, make a smoothie. Wait wait, this word can mean anything from milk with ice, to ice cream to yogurt or frozen yogurt, and they CAN taste good. 

Almost anything you add at home will be better for you than a McShake. Even if you put a cigarette in it.

Add whatever you like, fruit, nuts -- don't believe the media hype, you can eat almonds, they are a superfood. Your body won't have cravings if you FEED IT with nutrients. For fiber add flaxseed, chia seed, or psyllium husks to make you feel full. For flavor add chocolate syrup, peanut butter, caramel syrup, etc.

Google smoothies, you get the idea.

I hate yogurt. I feel like I'm spoon feeding myself post-nasal drip, but that hooker from Trading Places says it makes you poop, so I blend it with ice, milk, fruit, sometimes protein powder and whatnot to choke it down. 

If you mix spinach with any of these things? You can hardly taste it.

Minty Smoothie (super clever name, I know)

2 cups milk, whatever kind. You can add yogurt or FroYo if you prefer.

4-6 ice cubes for texture. Use ice cream for extra awesome.

1-2 tsp cocoa powder.

Peppermint extract to taste (1/4 tsp should be plenty.)

  (Didn't have any, I used Andes candy pieces from Xmas.)

At least 2-3 leaves of spinach for color (you won’t taste them.)

½ banana for sweetness.

Optional: Any other fruit to make it sweeter.

Put all that crap in a blender and blend until super smooth.

This tastes better than it sounds. You can personalize it as you like or use a search engine and enter the ingredients you have in your kitchen. (I do this for dinner pretty frequently, you’d be surprised how many hits you get for “chicken, red pepper, 1 slice cheese” -About 3,990,000 results.)

If you’re lactose intolerant, use almond milk or just use fruit and water. A pear blended with water and 4 ice cubes is pretty darn refreshing.

If you don’t want to go through the trouble of making these, but you STILL crave the McD’s shakes? 

You could try this:

Smoke a menthol cigarette. One step, no calories, minty fresh!

from albertoalemanno.eu

Ask someone who smokes menthol cigarettes if you can lick their ashtray. I’m pretty sure this would still kill you slower than a sham shake.

from en.wikipedia.org

Look on the bottom of restaurant tables for mint-flavored gum.

from wikihow.com

If you really just have to have one, go for it. Just don't come crying to me looking for donations when you get cancer from minty free radical damage. No 5K can un-kill those cells. 

Most of this is sweary nonsense, but cancer is no joke, folks. It's not the sugar, it's all the processed chemicals and lack of any real food, and nutrition. Click here to quickly learn a little about how antioxidants stabilize cell damage.

Since I just threw you a semi-serious link, I should balance things out by sharing this post about McD's characters of yesteryear, e.g. Hamburglar and Grimace, who is apparently related to the “king of all grimaces.”

 http://thebloggess.com/2013/03/it-was-on-wikipedia-so-it-must-be-true/