Old Man Crushes

I thought for half a tick about Wordless Wednesday and just posting pictures, but if you’re new here I am only Wordless in Bizarro World. I don't know of a day of the week designated for Word Diarrhea. 

For as long as I can remember, I have always had an older man “thing,” let’s just call it. I think this is innocent enough, as I have only ever assaulted ONE elderly gentlemen in a grocery store, but I was drunk and my husband was encouraging me. Not a good combo.
from movies.nytimes.com

I don’t have a male or female type, I like people for the way they make me feel. I don't find, say, muscular men to be tantalizing, simply because a few that I happened to date were totally compensating. I’m not saying they ALL are, *cough* totaldingus *cough cough* tinymanparts *cough* Is it dry in here? I am just going by my own experience. 

Give me someone I can talk to, learn from, someone who makes me feel things. Other than annoyed. 
For me, a lot of older men just have IT.
from efeblum.tumblr.com

What it is? Is hard to pin down. Different things about different people make my lady parts swell. When I was young I called it “Old man crush” but now that I am getting long in the tooth, these Dapper Dans don’t seem “old” anymore, they’re just older than I.

Maybe it’s because I have never had a Grandfather, or mayhap it’s my love of old television, or maybe it’s the bits of my former lives peeking through. I seriously get a weird wide-on for OLD jazz, even Dixieland, and fashion from the 1920’s through the 40’s. 

Especially the facial hair, my husband made this poor man? Take a picture with me in New Orleans.
N'awlins 2011

Count Comfula told this dude out of the blue: 
"My wife finds you arousing.” 

I know, I know, he’s too good to me.  (I know this guy is not an older gent, I’m just a sucker for the damn ‘stache.)


William Frawley (no I did not have to Google that) had to be one of my first older man crushes, from “I Love Lucy,” one of the greatest television shows of all time. 

I fell in hard candy, earlybird dinner love with Fred Mertz, the cantankerous landlord. He was quick with an off-the-cob joke, always carrying on like he & Ethel were in the ketchup, notoriously cheap, (so THAAAT’s where I get it from) and wore nipple-high wool pants like this:
from sitcomboy.com
Kiss me, you fool. The berries, right? You shred it, Wheat. Wouldn’t ya love to shake a leg in a breezer* and grab some giggle water with this dash-fire? You don't have to be a bob tail to admit you'd let him swing in the fruitful vine. Fred was the first of many.

If you’re under 50 you probably don’t even know who a lot of these gents are, but here they are in no apparent order.

Cab Calloway. Not only visually edible, the man’s music was like nothing I had ever heard. Jesus H. Tap-dancin’ Christ, look at this picture, could you DIE??
from last.fm
Ed Asner. Come ON. Watching Mary Tyler Moore as a kid, I thought he was the bee’s frickin knees. He acted like a big, tough guy grumbling and yelling at everyone to “Get back to work!” Then anytime Mary asked for his help, or God forbid she CRIED, he became the world’s biggest teddy bear. 
from abcnews.go.com

I wanted him to be MY boss, and chase me around a desk giving me a she-rection.

The man is se-HEE-riously hunky in a real man way. He is still hilarious and when he was on Chelsea Lately? HUGE flirt. 

William Shatner . Young AND old. Hello, Candy-pants. 

Let’s not even mess. Besides being obvious panty-dropping Man Meat since Star Trek’s TOS, I really fell in platelet-moving love hearing him interviewed on the Howard Stern show. 

He never even flinched, not when they named him “Jill” and took him down to (quoting) “the Homo Room” and violated him ON AIR. 

There are at least 3 of these episodes available on YouTube, and they are still pretty damn funny.

The man does not take himself too seriously, and is hysterical without trying to be funny.

Patrick Stewart. Oh my, George Takei. Oh Captain, my Captain. Set phasers to all my lady parts: Engorge! This is one of the only men all of my sisters and my mother agree is smokin' freaking HOT. In an episode or two of Star Trek TNG, he speaks French. Resistance. Is. Futile. 
from last.fm
It's not JUST a Star Trek thing, did you see him in Moby Dick? Insert your own penetration innuendo here. In-YOUR-end-o.

Richard Dawson. I’m Chico, this was THE MAN

Not only drop-deeed seeexy, if you have ever watched old episodes of The Match Game, circa mid-70s, and seen this flirtbag get his swerve on? You know. 

Randy talk, 70s clothes with a DEEP V, man jewelry and groovy sunglasses? On the scene, serious Sex Machine. I wanted to be on Family Feud with my weird family just to slip him the tongue. And I was probably not even 9 years old when he was the host. If you’re a woman and old Family Feud comes on the Game Show Network? Prep for vagboner.

Dick Van Dyke. Adorable both young AND old, but he really gave me fembone on the greatest show ever, “The Dick Van Dyke Show.” Moreso after learning that he did all that physical comedy while totally on a toot (drunk as a skunk.) SWOON. I may or may not have serious issues.
from cleveland.com
….and while we’re talking about that, Willis, Morey Amsterdam, “Buddy” from that same show? He was a cutey patootey AND slinger of phrases like “Where ya been? We been singin’ Bill Bailey so long, he finally went HOME.” I would have given anything to serve ole Sally a slugburger and take her gig as comedy writer with those two alligators. Murder! ('Wow' in old timey speak.)
George Burns – Duh. H'adorable.
from wallpaperpimper.com

Ian Mcklelan Gandalf from The Hobbit. 

He was on Kelly & Michael, and he said they told him to “feel free to Tweet that he was there” so he opened the window and said “Tweet!” but nothing happened. 

Google his name, click "Images," you’ll sport a major puffy.

These here next chaps aren’t OLD men per se, but I was a mere child when I fell in love.

from nytimes.com
Rip Torn. Foxie moxie. Seriously, yucks aside, up until I fell in love with my current husband I would have married Rip Torn OVER THE PHONE, even if he was on Death Row, if I had the chance.

And if he was crazy enough to ask me. Because even though I am not old-fashioned and it's not nineteen dickety-six, the girl can ask the man, vote, bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, he looks like HE is, so I’m guessing I would probably wait until he? Asked me. Too late now, Mac, bank’s closed. 

Yeah, these fantasies can be pretty elaborate if you entertain them. Watch the movie "Defending Your Life" and get back to me. Maybe it’s his likeness to Jack Nicholson. Speaking of….

from bibliocableyades.net
God help me. Have you seen “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” or “Witches of Eastwick.” Knickers twisted. This man drove me insane. I had to be institutionalized for awhile. I finally figured out those coffee-stain tests though, and got to the point where I was allowed to voluntarily check myself out and in. Then I moved a bunch of times and changed my name twice. Now I'm magically good like canned ham, CURED.

Mario Batali. Yeah I know he looks like the comic store guy from the Simpsons, remember the first part? About the way people make me feel? This is one charming-ass mother effer. 
from the fw.com
Especially when he rattles shit off like: “This wine is murky, sweet, and as rich as the dreams of the Portuguese men who squeezed these grapes.” This kind of shit gives real women the cliffy*.
 I don’t think he’s much older than I, but something about his spirit and perpetual GOOD MOOD, combined with the bringing of the bacon and frying it up in a cast-iron pan, his regional Italian knowledge and occasionally speaking Italian in a sexy sing-song voice? Makes me want to live in his kitchen. In a platonic way. Unless platonic is a deal-breaker.

I mean, as my fave blogger says bitches gotta eat.

I feel like I’m forgetting some, but if you’re a dame you’re probably a little dizzy by now. If not, what’s your story, morning glory? 

Tell me June who makes you swoon, in your pantaloons?

*Footnotes. Because sometimes "context clues" are bullshit:
In the ketchup = Having money troubles
Breezer = Convertible automobile
Vagboner = Vagina Boner
You can assume any female part+oner = lady part boner.
Cliffy = Clitoris stiffy
I would have loved to use old timey slang here for the dirty words, but if any birds DID use foul slang, not many of them took quills to squid ink to make a record of it. Other than the "fruitful vine," oh....bah-lush.

>> LATER UPDATED April, 2013 <<

I KNEW I forgot some. One gent I definitely forgot was Jeremy Irons. Hey, you get it or you don't. He is sexy in some of his movies. The voice, the bad guys roles, and I have always had a thing for longer hair:
from grokzone.com
In case you don't love long hair on guys, for whatever stoopid reason:
from euphrosyne.wordpress.com


  1. the only true "old man crush" I had was on this guy who was probably 50-ish when I was 24-ish and he sat next to me at the arena where a friend of mine & I had hockey season tickets. we had a major crush going on, but it's tough to do anything in a crowded arena of hockey fans. so alas, it remained a fantasy. :-)

    but I feel ya on the "how they make me think & feel" rather than pure looks.

    1. You're such a GOOD girl! I would have at LEAST tried to get some digits. Or 2nd base ;)

  2. Bahahaha! Only you can make Patrick Stewart look hot! And Jack Nicholson, yummie, but I didn't see Sean Connery, Anthony Hopkins, or Ed Harris! Yumm-o! And my personal fav, Hugh Jackman! Nom Nom!

    1. Patrick Stewart is man candy! Have you heard him speak French? Yikes. Sean Connery ONLY young, not a fan of older Sean for whatever reason. Ed Harris YES! I don't consider him old. Anthony Hopkins only as a psycho in Silence of the Lambs. Seriously, I think I might need to start therapy again.
      Huge Jackass, I don't get it. As Wolverine, yeah, he's pretty cool but he's no Rip Torn!

  3. So what you're telling me is that if I ever want to show up on your old man crush list, I need to let this salt and pepper grow out even more? Yeah, letting my hair gray, wearing Cosby sweaters, picking up a cane, all as a way to attract young girls... that's not creepy at all...

    1. I don't know, I would have to see and hear you. It's not just a visual thing, they all have different reasons. Cab was music, Ed Asner was a bad mofo yet a gentle teddy bear. I'm betting I would hit it, you're pretty damn funny. Bitches dig funny.

  4. I'm a little bit disappointed in your list of hot older men. Where are Sean Connery and Pierce Brosnan? Either of whom can park their shoes under my bed any day.

    1. I love me young Sean Connery, for whatever reason that is where I draw the line. Maybe if I heard him speak more?? Not sure.

      Pierce, same deal. I'm not saying there is anything WRONG with either of them, but I haven't been exposed to their personalities. Like Pulp Fiction pointed out, Personality goes a long way :)

  5. Wow, you have put a LOT of thought into this! I love a woman that knows what she likes :) I wouldn't say I agree on most of them, although Patrick Stewart is quite yummy.

    I agree with Vanessa, Pierce Brosnan!

  6. Richard Gere, Morgan Freeman, and yes, my wonderful Patrick Stewart. Panty dropping central. Jon Bon Jovi - still making my motor purr when I see him in tight jeans. Is there anything sexier than a faithful man?

    New follower from Monday Mingle. http://www.jenstangledthreads.com

    1. hahaha WELCOME! Richard Gere I don't get. Just not my thing for whatever reason. He's not ugly, just never said or did anything to spark any interest for me. I am weird. Morgan Freeman, that is a pretty good one. I don't know that he is a PANTY DROPPER, but nice guy for sure.
      I can't wait to check out your blog!

  7. Besides Sean Connery, who has already been mentioned, my older guy crushes also include Jack Lord and Don Johnson.

    Dr. No, with BOTH Sean Connery and Jack Lord - SIGH! (aside from the ridiculous sunglasses Lord is wearing in the first scene with them both).

    I had posters of Don Johnson in my room that I claimed was for the car - Ferrari 365 GTB, black with tan interior, actually was a replica built off of a corvette chassis.... Ok, I had many a fantasy of him and the car.

    Of course now I am probably as old as those guys were in my teenage years when I had the crushes on them.

    (caught a typo as soon as it posted - I HATE that - haha!)

    1. hahahaha Don Johnson CRACKED ME UP! Not just b/c of his name.
      That car thing is so specific it's amazing.

      I googled Jack Lord, CUTIE PATOOTEY! Bing!

  8. Love Patrick Stewart and Jeremy Irons. Hot, hot hot!!!

  9. I have had so many old man crushes and most are posted here...I gotta say gregory peck though...and paul newman...both got better as they aged...not just in looks but integrity and that make ya feel good thing youre talking about.

  10. My old-man crush is on Michael Douglas. He's old enough to be my grandpa, but man! Circa 1985...good stuff. :)

    1. He is handsome, but I can't look at his face and not laugh about the whole "oral sex caused my cancer" debacle! hahahaha

  11. Some ageing hotness right here! As for me,I can honestly say I have never admitted this to anyone, ever, but Bill Clinton made me feel all funny in my Oval Office, if you get my drift.

    1. I see it, he's one pants-charming mo fo, whether you can identify exactly what it is or not. It's WHY he was president. Well that and his smart as hell wife. But yes, I am pickin up what you're puttin down.

  12. I think Sean Connery's nice to look at. George Clooney is turning into an old man. But Richard Dawson? I remember wanting to hurl every time he made out with anyone on the Family Feud. I swore, as a kid, if I ever went on that show, I was totally dodging his smooches. Haha!

    1. hahahaha I like young Sean Connery, for sure. George Clooney I dunno, maybe I haven't watched enough of him or something. Never been a huge fan.
      Richard Dawson, I don't know, I'd have hit it. He was also hilarious and super flirty on Match Game. *sigh*

  13. Interesting! Never had an old man crush, besides being in love with myself that is. And that never lasted. Found having an intelligent conversation drew too much attention in restaurants. Never really had a crush on an old woman either. My wife wasn't old when the crush was there ... funny, her youth didn't last either. (God, this comment is sounding like the movie Cocoon!) Good post!

    1. hahahaha between ^ that ^ paragraph and your picture, I have a crush on YOU now too! I'm glad you liked it, I know a lot of women who were put off by this post, I assumed it would make a man downright ILL!

  14. I was really twitching a bit until I got to Patrick Stewart-okay, that's more like it. Old man crushes. Hmmm... I don't have any-YET.

    Thanks for sharing this funny. Are you cheating and giving us more than one laugh a week? Shame on you. NOT.

    1. I almost NEVER blog more than once a week, even the one time is a struggle! This is an oldie, but it's my favorite because it's CHOCK FULL O' SMILES!

  15. I've had a crush on Harrison Ford and Sean Connery for as long as I can remember. And when they were in Indian Jones together, I was in heaven!

    Thank you for linking up with the Humor Me! Blog Hop!!! :)

  16. A worthy list! And hey, I'm so old I remember Richard Dawson from "Hogan's Heroes!"

  17. Me too, me too! I have a huge thing for Sam Elliot. :D

    1. I wonder about any straight woman, or gay man, that didn't.