What If I Told You Mike From Breaking Bad....

...is the Piano Man. Bam.
from seriable.com                           from nydailynews.com

I'm trying to do more of these kinds of quickies here, as opposed to social media, but really aren't almost all of my posts quickies? And who doesn't love a quickie? Get these sent to your email! 

I only post a couple times a week so you won't be overwhelmed with gluten-free recipes. PROMISE.

FYI: I'm also writing for Bubblews, profile below. THOSE posts are ALL quickies 400-500 words, which is about all I have time for with all of these kids and they're eating and drinking (EVERY DAY) and whatnot.

Happy Friday!


Take A Walk On The Nerdy Side Of Life

The title makes me think of the Monty Python song.
from spotify.com
I AM taking a walk on the blog of that name, The Nerdy Side of Life, giving my half(assed) review of Game of Thrones!
found at reddit.com
Don't worry, there are no SPOILERS to be found!

Come and see:



Grammys Are COMEDY Now? (Not a music post)

First I must say I did not watch the Grammys, as I never do, nor do I watch any awards show thanks to Sarah Jessica Parker's overacting acceptance speech at the ONE awards show I watched that one time. That's a really long link to a really ranty post about how much I hate acting awards, awarded to actors....for acting. SJP knows what she did. (Spoiler: She made me hate all awards shows, and all awards in general. She poured me a large hate-tini w/extra Haterade.)


So many hilarious moments were impregnated with the hilarity of the costumes alone last night, there was a comedy baby BOOM. Yes, I said costumes, and you'll see why.

Obviously the way to get press these days is to create a buzz. Since most people can't seem to do this with their talent, it seems instead they:
DO ridiculous things, 
SAY the most ridiculous things, and 
WEAR increasingly outrageous, borderline disturbing costumes. 

And yes, it works, because everyone who didn't even WATCH is talking about them. Myself included. The Twitter was on fire with jokes I didn't understand. 

I remember seeing tweets talkin' bout:
"Only Pharrell can prevent phorest phires" 
I did the Scooby side-neck and not until I saw THIS picture this morning, and that tweet traveled backward-in-time like the Matrix of jokes to strike me as hilari-ass. 
See what I mean?
These are from ALL OVER including simply-showbiz.com
Whoever this mad hatter is, and hatters gonna hat, he seemed to have won Twitter AND some of the regular internet today.
from urbandaily.com
And this here is no joke. Well I'm assuming it's not a joke as it was posted on eleventy-five different sites today. Apparently Arby's tweeted the following.

from mediabistro.com
You might think I follow Arby's on Twitter, but come on. Arby's is disgusting. Taco Bell, on the other hand.....that's diarrhea of another color. Nice to see Arby's has a sense of humor at least.

Man, though. I might have to actually start watching the Grammys, this is comedy gold.

And apparently Madonna refuses to age gracefully, giving us more comedy. This must be what Willis was talkin' 'bout with the tweet about "...just missing a 3-piece extra crispy." NOW I get it.
Do cataracts mean you think this looks okay?

Oatmeal is good for your cholesterol, Madge
And a Facebook post this morning from WGN News about how Madonna should probably just retire, sit on her couch and count her money. Seriously, WTgoldenF?
Dang, Madge got GOLDEN DENTURES money.
Have some cheesecake on the lanai with Betty White already.

People seem to be of two minds about Beyonce. I have no idea how I feel, I looked all over for any shits to give and couldn't find any but this picture is pretty hilarious. 

Sorry, dog. from vibe.com
I have nothing much else to offer on the subject. I don't know much about music and I have awful taste in almost everything. 

Part of the reason I don't watch is not to feel even older and more crazy, constantly asking:
Who are THESE people?
What is WITH those anal-probe-wielding aliens with shiny helmets?
and shaking my wrinkled fist at the TV.

I mean, I didn't even know C3PO put a band together. Good for him, he's fluent in so many languages.
from stereogum.com

Seriously though, WHO are these masked.....men? 

If I'm uncool for not knowing, it's not even in the top 20 things. 


Years and years, and at least 2 kids ago, I used to keep up with music a little, mostly by listening to college radio stations and ::drumroll:: I am about to reveal my semi-secret former source of music knowledge *coolness* by looking at band names on video game soundtrack CDs and shows like B3: Bikes, Boards and Blades. I don't even know if things still exist. CDs even?

Anyhowdy, since I mostly hate things that become mainstream, it becomes harder and harder to find things in this world that I don't hate. Like working out and wearing real pants, it's just too much work. 

At the risk of sounding super-white, I LOVE that freaking Thrift Shop song, and the same love song. Color me an old lady, but these are the kinds of songs that get me excited about music again. I'm confused that they were nominated and won in the Rap category, only proving how out of it I really am I guess....or does it? 

 The Cos seems confused as well.

This is not AS funny, but I love LL Cool J so this may be a different kind of treat for some. LL 
It looks like the Cos is staring at LL from above!
from Huffington Post
According to HuffPo, he licked his lips 47 times. Like I said, I may have to start watching this show.

Did you watch? What did you love and hate and what made you scratch your dome and think "WTF?"


Comfytown's Cards Against Humanity

Once I saw Neatorama's "Doctor Who" version of Cards Against Humanity, the wheels haven't stopped turning. 
ACTUAL CARDS from neatorama.com
I love the original game, we've played it a bunch of times and we keep getting worse. As human beings, I mean. Oh, it's just a game. 
Life is.

Anyhoo, my family has already started making their own more disturbing version of the cards once we had seen and played all of the cards that come with the game, and even recorded my sister's neighbor reading the card about "Jerking off into a pool of children's tears" (it's a real card from the game) which may or may not be available on my YouTube channel. 

Hey, I promised him I wouldn't upload it to Facebook, and I have kept that promise. Because I'm a fracking lady.

In case you haven't seen the game "Cards Against Humanity" here is the perfect Reader's Digest Condensed version from blogdailyherald.com because I couldn't explain it any better.

Ah, Cards Against Humanity. The epic drunk-and-bored game of the early 21st century.
In case you’ve been living under a rock, here are the rules:
  • Most of the cards are white and are nouns.
  • The others are black and are questions or fill-in-the-blank types.
  • Each turn, one player pulls a random black card.
  • Then the other players put down a white card they think is funniest when paired with the aforementioned black card.
  • That original player (who pulled the black card) picks his or her favorite pairing.
  • The person who played that white card gets a point.
It’s Apples to Apples, but horribly and hilariously offensive. They made a Brown version with a bunch of cards and jokes I either didn't get, or just didn't find funny so I didn't include them.
The idea of the game is similar to Mad Libs, you fill in your own blanks, then one person picks what they deem to be the "best" answer. According to them anyway. There's no real right answer, and this makes some people crazy. You try to pick which will be the most offensive amusing to whomever is the lucky person deciding that round. 

Knowing your players is the key. And being offensive. So YES, I rule at this game.

This is an example of some of the standard Fill In The Blank black cards that come with the game.
from cardsagainsthumanity.com
Here are some of the example white cards you can chose from to fill in the blank(s), or "answer" cards, that come with the original game.
These are REAL cards from cardsagainsthumanity.com
With the Dr. Who game, you use the same black 'question' cards and just fill in with the expansion pack of white 'answer' cards.

That got me thinking, anyone could make an expansion pack for anything...

A Parents of Small Children version? 
Cards Against Hu-MOM-ity.

Here are some cards from that version. Full deck pending, awaiting money rolling in. Contact me to make a donation. At least for my legal defense.

You know you can picture moms in yoga pants drinking buttery Chardonnay playing this:
These are card I made up today

I am even MORE excited for my expansion pack:
Cards Against Nerd-manity 
in which I replace the cards with people, places and offensive things from my favorite nerdy books, shows and movies.

That title may be offensive to manities. 
from kulfoto.co

Meh, it's just a working title.

This version will probably never be available for legal purchase, imagine the royalty paperwork, but you can contact ME for a printable version for the low, low SUGGESTED DONATION of say, grocery gift cards. My kids gotta eat.

Just like I did with the real game, you may have to talk to Google about some of these.

To save you 2 minutes, the Pon farr is part of the Vulcan mating ritual.


Polar Swirling Sanity Punch/Vortex

This might be my weirdest post ever. It's definitely the weirdest TToT but it's winter, it's Super Winter, Mega-bigboxstore-WINTER and if you live in a place that doesn't have nipple-sword cold, snowy winters, you can't really know about all the angles of things like seasonal depression.
"No TV and no beer make Homer something something!"
The Simpsons "The Shinning" parody of The Shining
Also, if you don't have winter do you have a spare bedroom? 

I've lived here all my long life but this winter, with it's Polar Vortex, Polar Punch (I did not make that up) it's sub-sub-sub-zero temperatures, can suck whatever we may or may not have determined "it" is. 
I don't KNOW what this has to do with anything.
from demotivation.us

What's after cold?

What's beyond FRIGGID?

20-50 below ZERO. Five-O.

FIFTY DEGREES BELOW the number of not-having-any-numbers of ZERO, with the windchill in Chicagoland is serious bullshitsiness. 

We know about Cold here, every winter the temperature gets colder than brass underwear on Superman's home planet. You walk outside and feel the strange tingly feeling of the boogers and moisture inside your noseholes immediately freezing

Putting gas in your car becomes a painful chore, you break down and leave the nozzle and wait inside your car. You wait it out because in a few months it will be so hot and humid outside you'll feel like you're walking inside of a bread bowl full of hot soup. 


This evil winter, Moms Nature is having her revenge on the makers and drivers of the SUV. It is clear she hates humans. Her bitter cold shoulder has been a game changer. 

Schools and businesses just CLOSED for 2 days because of this cold. We all just collectively looked outside and said: "Nuh-uh." 

Kids and adults alike, we all agreed not to out-"Chicagah" each other for once, and just stay inside
from weknowmemes.com

We didn't try to look tough. We didn't give a shit about make-up-days in the Summer, we all just lost our ability to Can. 

We shut down the whole damn Midwest and most wished they had stocked up on more liquor. (We were good here in Comfytown, not my 1st winter with little kids.) 

I didn't go outside for a good 5 days, so my "feels like" temperature remained at a steady 70 degrees.


Combine these temps with a 2 yr old that WILL NOT keep gloves, hat, even jacket ON her body, and all this INSIDE our little Comfytown house, I have really learned the most learns about Cabin Fever

It is real, yo. Have you seen The Shining? 

ComfyTown is maybe a week or 2 away from becoming The Overlook Hotel.
This picture makes me so much happy. from bloodydisgusting.com
I know. Everyone else posted that horrific picture of him at the end of the movie. I went a different way. 

This is the time when I need to DIG DEEP to find Ten Things of Thankful. I might need to do a little rule-bending to get through. 

I originally put these first items at the end, but eeer'body loves a happy ending, so I moved these things to first.

These first things are things that are getting REAL FRIGGIN HARD to stay thankful for. (I'm counting it. You SHOW ME on the doll, I mean in the offish Book o' Rules where I can't do this.)

1. It's getting harder and harder to be thankful for winter. Why are you such a bully? No one is liking you this year, so take the hint and lighten up.

2. And snow. I used to love sledding and skiing, and I really hope I do again some day. 
This year? I'm all: 
"Take it back. Take it away. We're losing real estate and valuable parking spaces to mountains of snow."

from lolwall.co

This is not the House of Stark. 

My back is under enough pressure carting around these waste of space meat bag mammaries, now it's about to break from all the freaking shoveling.

Looks like I'm not the only one according to that Power-Tool-decorated Snowman. 


8. Reality TV. We're avoiding all things out-of-doors and I've had to have the TV more than I like lately. 

Of all the hates of television I hate, I HATE Reality TV with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns. 
from twicsy.com
This should not count as entertainment. Every reality TV show should have to either make giant donations to educational funding, or at the very least offset the brain cells they murder, with some kind of facts or teaching people how to DO something, anything, before the commercial breaks. 

This crap sullies the good name of crap TV. It takes takes no effort, it brings out the worst in humans and then tries to make it okay. It makes all of us dumb ourselves down and lower our expectations even further. No sir, no ma'am. No thank you. No, no, just all the NO's that ever nay'ed. Give writers JOBS and let them write good stuff again. Can we start a petition? Occupy Television? Reality TV and all of the producers responsible should all join hands and walk into the nearest fire and die a fiery death already. Oh, the Victory S'mores we could roast over that nasty trash fire.
AHahahahahhahahahaha! *cough cough*  from gifbin.com
9. Cloudy clouds s-blocking our source of Vitamin D. This is making us all cookoo pants. Especially me, obvy.
If you're still reading this for some reason, you see I HAVE IT BAD.
from roosevelttorch.com
But how do you kill a cloud? All the clouds. I'm ready to take one for all the team. 
from duckduckgrayduck.com
These blogs talkin' bout Vitamin D supplements and "winter lights" to fight off the winter blues. Psscht. Puh-lease. My brain's pleasure center has stopped mock-laughing at this weak sauce weeks ago.

Okay, out with the bad in with the good(ish). I will now attempt to look at things in a way to find some Thankful.

Link up at Considerings blog to join the fun.

1. Thankful for the mini heart attacks my kids have been causing, they are less "cardio" and more of a "cardiac episode" but they're the only workout I'm getting lately.

My 2 yr old has started climbing EVERYTHING, including out of her crib. She LOVES doing it, so she no longer makes  a peep when she's awake, I just hear a THUD and hey, there she is suddenly in the kitchen, very suddenly moving a kitchen chair to see what's cooking on the stove. Yikes.

2. Thankful for the invention of the crock pot. I have a small one, but it turns a cheap, otherwise barely edible piece of meat into a tender, delicious masterpiece with little effort on my part. We're eating well.
from thefunnyblog.org

3. Almond milk. Told you I was going to have to dig deep. My Lola won't drink milk and as an asthmatic, the less dairy the better. Plus have you SEEN the ingredients list on most coffee creamer? *shudder* Bailey's is too expensive for every day, so almond milk it is.

4. The Magic Bullet. As in the mini food processor, not the adult toy of the same name. Let's just leave it at that. 

Vodka doesn't kill Vitamins. Right?
The mini food processor allows me to quickly drink an entire day's worth of fruit (probably) and spinache, and pulverize almonds to add to everything. 

If you don't want to spend all day EATING superfoods, drink em.

5. This week I had Wednesday as a day "off" (meaning only my OWN 3 kids all day...plus housework.) Anyway, it allowed me to get started on this post, otherwise it won't happen. Lately on the weekends, literally every time I sit down and open my laptop, my husband almost freaks out and starts suggesting weird activities. Which is NOT the lazycomfy man I married. 

Which is also odd because HE bought me this laptop, and HE bought the domain name for the blog, and now he seems to hate every time I try to actually blog. It's WINTER, can't you and the kids just watch TV?? Whatever, slipping away from thankful again.

5. The teenager has a job interview today. At a fast-food place but hey, it's a start. After last semester's whatever kind of disaster that was, that I'm not ready to think about much less write about, it's a victory if I can manage to keep him AWAKE during the day. Long story short, he's not transitioning from high school into "real" life well. He's never transitioned well, at anything, and this is THE BIG ONE. 
From ugo.com

And it's all but causing me to have the ole Redd Foxx BIG ONE. 

"I'm comin, Elizabeth!"

(From the old TV show "Sanford & Son" yeah, I was raised by TV.)

10. Taking my TToT mulligan and being Thankful to be at Ten. I mean, aren't we all depressed enough after this whacked out, crappy post?

I know the numbers are messed up. But they're there. In no particular order.

Mayhaps I shouldn't have moved those other things to first, I liked the "KILL IT WITH FIRE" .gif as the Big Finish.


At The Risk Of Exposing My Level Of Insanity

Here's a little n0t-so-secret thought it's time to share.

I love Junk Mail.

Specifically printed, mailed, Junk Mail.

I know it sounds crazy. Stay with me for a minute. 

So many people complain about junk mail, come up with ways to STOP the junk mail. But hear me out. This will be short. 
Piece of my junk mail from yesterday's mail
Not all of it, mind you. Some of it is amusing, some is annoying, most goes straight to the Recycle Bin, so WHY do I love junk mail?

Besides the fact that
PRINTING = JOBS, as in for people, in a world where humans' jobs are increasingly eliminated and replaced by robots.
from politichicks.tv
I'm not talking about COOL ROBOTS either, like Rosey from the Jetsons or the thing on Star Trek that makes food in 2 seconds, or even a Robo-Cop, a robot that will take a bullet for a human, (get on this shit already, nerds) I'm talking pure metal EVIL.

Let's consider the alternatives. 

There will always be marketing. It will never die. The other options huge companies have to getting you to point your face at their message, instead of Junk Mail, are far more intrusive.

Instead of paper in your mailbox, would you rather receive: 
1. Telemarketing *shudder*
2. Robotic phone calls 
3. Spam emails
3. Pop-up ads EVERYWHERE you go

Suddenly, a printed ad in your mailbox doesn't seem so intrusive, does it?

You could even move a bin just for Recycling Paper to a place very close to your mailbox. Easy in, easy OUT.

Isn't that easier than weeding through ALL THE SPAM in your inbox to get to your actual e-mail messages?  I had to create a whole separate free email account for the companies that make you fill out a user profile, because you know that is just for spam. Now I have that extra task of looking through 877 emails just to find my latest Kohl's coupon code, if I can't find the holy grail mailed coupon that blessedly comes in via snail mail.

Next time you're filling out a survey and you're asked:
"How did you hear about us?"
Fill it/check the box marked:
"Direct Mail"

Mayhaps blinking, popping up ads everywhere you look don't bother you, but for me?
from nicholson.com.au

I would rather get 80 billion pieces of printed junk mail, drawn, written, marketed, addressed, printed and distributed by paid HUMAN BEINGS than one robot:
  • phone CALL on any phone
  • spam message/email
  • pop-up ad

Please spread the word and support humans, despite all of their annoying flaws.

Thank you!
I'm a Human Being and I approve this message.


Interview In The Insane Asylum

You may or may not have seen the interview I was a part of last week with Michael Mele, in his What Women Want post. Like the nickel-silver fasteners on a jet plane, it was riveting. 

Since 'turnabout is fairplay,' the women involved decided to counter-attac interview, because Knowledge is Power. At least I remember seeing that on Saturday morning cartoons as a child, where all my higher learning comes from.

Here are some questions and answers, in case you were wondering what goes on under all the cross-dressing at The Insane Asylum
Speaking of that post, I also was able to obtain some photos of that period in Michael's life. 

I couldn't find any at either of his blogs:

He pretended they were all destroyed, but I have some photos myself, of a higher-up at the NSA, who was suddenly able to find some of these photos. 
No idea why you didn't share these, MJ, they're stunning. Color me stunned.

You're welcome, Internet, and/or I'm sorry (that I'm not sorry.)

Here are the interviewees and their questions, followed by his answers. 

Check out everyone's blog and social media channels, they are all hysterical and will answer any of these type questions 24 hours a day. 
Nothing ventured...

Questions from the gorgeous Beth Teliho

Beth Teliho
Writer B is Me



1. Are you master of your domain?

MJM: Absolutely not, my domain is master of me. I can’t help it, when the urges call I must answer, I mean I am a man for gosh darn sakes. 

2. TP, over or under?

MJM: Neither, I prefer it free and loose, that way I can two finger the roll and wrap up my free hand like as if I was mummifying myself, and take care of business as I feel fit.

3. Do you manscape?

MJM: Not on a regular basis, but when I do, I shave it to next to nothing, that way there is plenty of time in-between where I don’t have to worry about it. 

I would love to shave the bat symbol in my junk, but I am not skilled enough, the one time I tried it came out looking like a whale on crack. 

4. Naughty school girl or sexy librarian? 

MJM: I wouldn’t waste your time, because shortly after things get heated up I’m throwing in the towel…sure it’s the nasty cleanup towel, but nevertheless it’s still a towel. 

Not only that, a hot chick could come in dressed like Barney the purple dinosaur and I’d be ready to hit it like a Caveman.

5. P test: playgirl, porno, pole (male dancing) or prude? 

MJM: I couldn’t do Playgirl unless they were doing the extra-large edition, I couldn’t do porno unless the running time was about the length of a commercial and I couldn’t do the pole unless people were satisfied seeing me flop around like as if I was a fish out of water. So I guess in this case to save me, and anyone one watching, the embarrassment I will just choose prude. 

6. Are you a jeep guy or a Lexus guy? 

MJM: Neither, I’m a Mustang kind of guy…or the Batmobile, but that’s only on the weekend.

7. Bondage. Hot or not?

MJM: Not, I would freak out if I was tied up and/or treated like a bitch in the bedroom, I would probably start crying and ruin the whole thing.

Questions from the beautiful Kristi Campbell
Kristi Campbell
Finding Ninee



1. Sleeping: Snuggles and cuddles or "move over to your own side, jerk?"

MJM: Totally "move over to your own side, jerk”, we didn’t buy a big bed so we could sleep right on top of each other, not only that, it’s way too hot you sweaty ass mofo.

2. What's the worst date you've ever been on?

MJM: There are way too many to list, not trying to sound sexiest, but you women are freaking nuts. 

Also, if you know you’re not going to give it up at the end of the date, you shouldn’t have us pay for everything while we’re out, you leave our wallets empty and our balls blue…now that’s cold.

3. Marriage: a partnership based on love or something to endure for the kids?

MJM: Marriage, something only the gays should be allowed to do, because us straight people are totally ruining the sanctity of it.

4. You're taking your date to an upscale restaurant and she's showing a lot of skin. Do you flaunt her proudly or tell her to get a sweater because only you can look?

MJM: If she’s hot I flaunt her proudly, if she’s fugly I make her put on a sweater…one with a turtleneck…that can be pulled up over her head…I wouldn’t want to disgust the other diners.

5. Which of your habits most annoys the women in your life?

MJM: Waking up! They all say I’m great when I’m sleeping, but otherwise, I’m a total dick.

6. Which of your woman's habits most annoys you?

MJM: That’s easy, bitching. I could so do without all bitching.

Questions from the.....funny (usually) Joy Christi

1. Who hurt you? Oh, just kidding. No one cares about that.

MJM: I love women with mommy/daddy issues, they are a lot of fun (huh huh), but only to date not to bring home to my mommy/daddy.

2. Since YOU asked US: Gas, deal-breaker or giggle-inducing?

MJM: Who doesn’t love gas, burps and farts, the joys of life.

3. If you woke up tomorrow and were a woman, what is the first---- no, wait, don't go there. What kind of person(s) guys/girls/Sister Wives/LARPers would you date if you were a woman?

MJM: If I woke up as a women I would never leave the bed, as John Mayer said, my body would be a wonderland…oh wait sorry, you said not to go there. 

If I was a chick I would be a lesbian, lipstick not butch, and I would only date other hot chicks, because if I wanted a manly women I would just date a metrosexual.

4. If you were a stripper/porn star, what would your stage name be?

MJM: I would either go with Sugar Nuts or Dick Hardwood.

5. What would your hook/special talent be?

MJM: Tying knots in a cherry stem with my winky.


Thank you, everyone. We look forward to Dick Hardwood's cherry-stem-tying YouTube softporn channel, with dream-sequence visits from Barney and flashes of the Batsignal. Be sure to tune in and ask early and often if the curtains match the rug, just so he can flash and say "It's all hardwood!"

Thank you Beth and Kristi for your answers, and thank you Michael! These answers were a lot less Larry Dallas than I expected. 
In fact, they were pretty darn Jack Tripper. 

Look at the pictures below, it's clear what needs to happen next. No, Michael, not that.

Look for our sitcom, a Three's Company spin-off next fall on Blogger.

Starring Kristi as Nurse Terri
Right? WHO would NOT watch this show??
Terri's picture found on Pinterest.com
Beth as Chrissy
 from episodeguide.com

Joy as the brunette that worked in the flower shop.
My photo NOT taken in the 70's, in 2013. Janet from aoltv.com
Yes, I had to GOOGLE the name "Janet" and I'm a brunette.

and Michael as Jack Tripper.
Jack's picture from thegallantguy.blogspot.com
Is it just me?

We just need someone to be Larry, and actually Janet, because let's face it, I'm more Mrs. Roper with those perm rods.
from merciblahblah.com
Do we have a volunteer for Mr. Roper?

Thanks again for playing along, totally of your own free will, Michael.