Polar Swirling Sanity Punch/Vortex

This might be my weirdest post ever. It's definitely the weirdest TToT but it's winter, it's Super Winter, Mega-bigboxstore-WINTER and if you live in a place that doesn't have nipple-sword cold, snowy winters, you can't really know about all the angles of things like seasonal depression.
"No TV and no beer make Homer something something!"
The Simpsons "The Shinning" parody of The Shining
Also, if you don't have winter do you have a spare bedroom? 

I've lived here all my long life but this winter, with it's Polar Vortex, Polar Punch (I did not make that up) it's sub-sub-sub-zero temperatures, can suck whatever we may or may not have determined "it" is. 
I don't KNOW what this has to do with anything.
from demotivation.us

What's after cold?

What's beyond FRIGGID?

20-50 below ZERO. Five-O.

FIFTY DEGREES BELOW the number of not-having-any-numbers of ZERO, with the windchill in Chicagoland is serious bullshitsiness. 

We know about Cold here, every winter the temperature gets colder than brass underwear on Superman's home planet. You walk outside and feel the strange tingly feeling of the boogers and moisture inside your noseholes immediately freezing

Putting gas in your car becomes a painful chore, you break down and leave the nozzle and wait inside your car. You wait it out because in a few months it will be so hot and humid outside you'll feel like you're walking inside of a bread bowl full of hot soup. 


This evil winter, Moms Nature is having her revenge on the makers and drivers of the SUV. It is clear she hates humans. Her bitter cold shoulder has been a game changer. 

Schools and businesses just CLOSED for 2 days because of this cold. We all just collectively looked outside and said: "Nuh-uh." 

Kids and adults alike, we all agreed not to out-"Chicagah" each other for once, and just stay inside
from weknowmemes.com

We didn't try to look tough. We didn't give a shit about make-up-days in the Summer, we all just lost our ability to Can. 

We shut down the whole damn Midwest and most wished they had stocked up on more liquor. (We were good here in Comfytown, not my 1st winter with little kids.) 

I didn't go outside for a good 5 days, so my "feels like" temperature remained at a steady 70 degrees.


Combine these temps with a 2 yr old that WILL NOT keep gloves, hat, even jacket ON her body, and all this INSIDE our little Comfytown house, I have really learned the most learns about Cabin Fever

It is real, yo. Have you seen The Shining? 

ComfyTown is maybe a week or 2 away from becoming The Overlook Hotel.
This picture makes me so much happy. from bloodydisgusting.com
I know. Everyone else posted that horrific picture of him at the end of the movie. I went a different way. 

This is the time when I need to DIG DEEP to find Ten Things of Thankful. I might need to do a little rule-bending to get through. 

I originally put these first items at the end, but eeer'body loves a happy ending, so I moved these things to first.

These first things are things that are getting REAL FRIGGIN HARD to stay thankful for. (I'm counting it. You SHOW ME on the doll, I mean in the offish Book o' Rules where I can't do this.)

1. It's getting harder and harder to be thankful for winter. Why are you such a bully? No one is liking you this year, so take the hint and lighten up.

2. And snow. I used to love sledding and skiing, and I really hope I do again some day. 
This year? I'm all: 
"Take it back. Take it away. We're losing real estate and valuable parking spaces to mountains of snow."

from lolwall.co

This is not the House of Stark. 

My back is under enough pressure carting around these waste of space meat bag mammaries, now it's about to break from all the freaking shoveling.

Looks like I'm not the only one according to that Power-Tool-decorated Snowman. 


8. Reality TV. We're avoiding all things out-of-doors and I've had to have the TV more than I like lately. 

Of all the hates of television I hate, I HATE Reality TV with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns. 
from twicsy.com
This should not count as entertainment. Every reality TV show should have to either make giant donations to educational funding, or at the very least offset the brain cells they murder, with some kind of facts or teaching people how to DO something, anything, before the commercial breaks. 

This crap sullies the good name of crap TV. It takes takes no effort, it brings out the worst in humans and then tries to make it okay. It makes all of us dumb ourselves down and lower our expectations even further. No sir, no ma'am. No thank you. No, no, just all the NO's that ever nay'ed. Give writers JOBS and let them write good stuff again. Can we start a petition? Occupy Television? Reality TV and all of the producers responsible should all join hands and walk into the nearest fire and die a fiery death already. Oh, the Victory S'mores we could roast over that nasty trash fire.
AHahahahahhahahahaha! *cough cough*  from gifbin.com
9. Cloudy clouds s-blocking our source of Vitamin D. This is making us all cookoo pants. Especially me, obvy.
If you're still reading this for some reason, you see I HAVE IT BAD.
from roosevelttorch.com
But how do you kill a cloud? All the clouds. I'm ready to take one for all the team. 
from duckduckgrayduck.com
These blogs talkin' bout Vitamin D supplements and "winter lights" to fight off the winter blues. Psscht. Puh-lease. My brain's pleasure center has stopped mock-laughing at this weak sauce weeks ago.

Okay, out with the bad in with the good(ish). I will now attempt to look at things in a way to find some Thankful.

Link up at Considerings blog to join the fun.

1. Thankful for the mini heart attacks my kids have been causing, they are less "cardio" and more of a "cardiac episode" but they're the only workout I'm getting lately.

My 2 yr old has started climbing EVERYTHING, including out of her crib. She LOVES doing it, so she no longer makes  a peep when she's awake, I just hear a THUD and hey, there she is suddenly in the kitchen, very suddenly moving a kitchen chair to see what's cooking on the stove. Yikes.

2. Thankful for the invention of the crock pot. I have a small one, but it turns a cheap, otherwise barely edible piece of meat into a tender, delicious masterpiece with little effort on my part. We're eating well.
from thefunnyblog.org

3. Almond milk. Told you I was going to have to dig deep. My Lola won't drink milk and as an asthmatic, the less dairy the better. Plus have you SEEN the ingredients list on most coffee creamer? *shudder* Bailey's is too expensive for every day, so almond milk it is.

4. The Magic Bullet. As in the mini food processor, not the adult toy of the same name. Let's just leave it at that. 

Vodka doesn't kill Vitamins. Right?
The mini food processor allows me to quickly drink an entire day's worth of fruit (probably) and spinache, and pulverize almonds to add to everything. 

If you don't want to spend all day EATING superfoods, drink em.

5. This week I had Wednesday as a day "off" (meaning only my OWN 3 kids all day...plus housework.) Anyway, it allowed me to get started on this post, otherwise it won't happen. Lately on the weekends, literally every time I sit down and open my laptop, my husband almost freaks out and starts suggesting weird activities. Which is NOT the lazycomfy man I married. 

Which is also odd because HE bought me this laptop, and HE bought the domain name for the blog, and now he seems to hate every time I try to actually blog. It's WINTER, can't you and the kids just watch TV?? Whatever, slipping away from thankful again.

5. The teenager has a job interview today. At a fast-food place but hey, it's a start. After last semester's whatever kind of disaster that was, that I'm not ready to think about much less write about, it's a victory if I can manage to keep him AWAKE during the day. Long story short, he's not transitioning from high school into "real" life well. He's never transitioned well, at anything, and this is THE BIG ONE. 
From ugo.com

And it's all but causing me to have the ole Redd Foxx BIG ONE. 

"I'm comin, Elizabeth!"

(From the old TV show "Sanford & Son" yeah, I was raised by TV.)

10. Taking my TToT mulligan and being Thankful to be at Ten. I mean, aren't we all depressed enough after this whacked out, crappy post?

I know the numbers are messed up. But they're there. In no particular order.

Mayhaps I shouldn't have moved those other things to first, I liked the "KILL IT WITH FIRE" .gif as the Big Finish.


  1. Yeah, you know, we're really REALLY sorry about sending you that Polar Vortex down from Canada. Don't hate us.

    1. Reading about the whole concept of the Polar Vortex, it's clearly not your fault! We could never hate Candians, our Ned-Flanders-esque polite neighbors to the North, not even for Justin Beiber!
      In Chicago, it's really the WIND and the lake-effect that gets to us more than the temperatures. We have to literally batten down the hatches, and dig deep snow-holes for our trash/recycling bins, otherwise we're chasing them down the icy streets!

  2. Hurray for #5! I can relate. Though my teen does not have a job interview, your #5 gives me hope! :-)

    1. It's a full-time job for ME just to get him to sit and go through the multi-step process to APPLY for jobs, hopefully yours is not as difficult with that part of it.
      It's tough here right now, jobs are scarce so adults are applying for jobs that normally teenagers would do. Hopefully it will all pick up soon!

  3. The cold has been nothing, but a pain the butt here, too and seriously cannot get over how cold it is outside even as I type this. By the way, my husband too has his moments with my blog, but it has become less since I have proven I can make money doing this. Just try my best to do schedule being online better now, but still can get sucked in so easily here, too. Hope you are keeping warm and wishing you a good rest of this weekend now.

    1. I am certain if I could find time/figure out a way to make some money, he would think differently of it. I don't know when/how to do it right now. I watch kids during the week, and he doesn't get home until it's almost the girls' bedtime. By the time I do the MINIMUM required for the day, I'm too exhausted. Some mornings I can write, but 2-3 times I week I watch a little girl starting at 4 or 5a.m. I can't even get myself to the treadmill, let alone the laptop. I keep saying "Maybe next year, maybe next year." Who knows.
      I am keeping warm, staying INSIDE!! You have a good weekend, too!

  4. Ohhh dear a lot, my lovely, you've got it bad!

    On the plus side, I have a spare bedroom which is yours any time you want it, and I know the one thing I can say to make you absolutely FURIOUS enough to climb through the internet to get to it (after smacking me upside the head). Let me know if you want to hear it...

    And nvm those little lights - go the whole hog and book a SUN BOOTH. Five minutes a coupla times a week should see you right.

    And hey, I saw Thankfuls. It's a list.

    (Hope you danced for the Seven GuardVirgins...tho not topless, like Beth did - they still haven't recovered from that - they keep asking that the rest of us stop cheating and to send her back...)

    1. That's a good idea! Tanning would be fantastic. The warmest nap possible!
      Glad to know about your spare room, I'll pack my things.

    2. Tanning works. Vit D in swathes, peace and quiet for five minutes, and ALL ROUND SUNSHINE

    3. You need the thing to make you so mad you leap through the internet, or will you catch a plane?

    4. I'm dying of curiosity, but I'm also half-packed and thinking about the fastest route to the airport!!

    5. Brace yourself to leap through the internet ready to knock seven bells out of me for being able to gloat about this... (then you can stay til the vortex has gone)

      It's been so mild here this winter we've had the heating on for a total of ONE HOUR.


      Lookit THEM bills ;)

    6. I am JEALOUS colored. We've had mild winters the last couple of years, well mild for Chicago, that is. I guess we were due??
      When I was in England, it was 2003 or 2004 and temps were in the upper 80s, everyone was MELTING. They were all complaining how hot it was, but we didn't think it was too bad, as we usually get high humidity on top of the heat. We had to laugh as tourists from America kept asking for more ICE in their drinks and looking for places to be air conditioned. I was thrilled most places were open-air type places, I much prefer!

    7. Yeah those were when I first started work, and I remember the summers were really long and utterly beautiful. I LOVED it. And sadly we've not had summers like it since. Maybe this year will be the year!

      In England, it doesn't matter what the weather is - we'll complain about it - it's kind of a national passtime...

    8. Ha! Well, in the Midwest we could give you good competition at that! It goes from way too hot to way too cold, with almost nothing in between.
      Hope you do get some better weather!

  5. vodka kills nothing but brain cells as far as I am concerned and they will never be missed... right? I too have room but unfortunately you would freeze your butt off here too... but youre welcome to do it in a different place! but ya gotta bring the chicken hat... I wanna see how the girls respond to it!

    1. hahaha my kids LOVE those hats! I think they were from Oriental Trading Company (so pretty dang affordable) and we wore them to charity events. The one in the picture was a relatively somber event, so it was nice to see people's reactions to a ridiculous felt chicken on my head. I love the picture, even though I'm shiny with sweat, because it has great memories!
      My kids LOVE a change of scenery!! We don't mind a couch :) hahaha

  6. I loved the pic about books committing suicide when we watch reality TV. Seriously. I HATE reality TV.

    1. Most of it is just BEYOND bad. Some of it, it's kind of like candy. Okay once in awhile, but too much is sure to rot something. Some of the shows? Are like meth, immediate brain damage!

  7. I hate reality tv. REALLY hate it.
    We have a Magic Bullet. My daughter wanted it for Christmas when she was about 9 and my mom got it for her. She makes smoothies in it. I make spinach smoothies (with almond milk), but I use the regular blender. Want to make sure alllll that spinach is liquefied.
    Yay for the job interview for the teenager! Believe me when I say I understand that transition issue with him.
    Next week will be better! Really! I swear!

    1. Thank you for that! I totally need to hear that.
      I hear you on the spinach. You know what made me not mind spinach so much? Kale. YUCK. It tastes bad, the texture is awful, like leather or plastic. You cannot liquefy it enough! It's always like a mouthful of spiders. After messing with kale, kale chips, kale smoothies, once I went back to spinach, it suddenly wasn't so bad! I almost like it now.

    2. You have confirmed what I always believed about kale without my ever having to taste it.

  8. yeah, what the hell is it with the spousal units and blog post writing? most of the time it is not an issue, but often on weekends (when time is not my friend) I'll be busy clacking away at the keyboard and she will come into the room and ask something like, 'do you think we should re-do the kitchen?'… I mean where in the scenario: me + facing a computer display + plus typing sounds does it say, 'why don't we talk?'

    1. hahaha I get "Let's take the kids to the MALL" I would rather re-do the kitchen!
      The kids do have major cabin fever, too, and are happier when they get out, but why can't they go anywhere with their dad once in a blue moon??

  9. I got giddy today when I saw the sun shine for five minutes.

    1. We had a "sighting" here yesterday, too! (Sighting, that thing has been more elusive than Bigfoot lately) My FIL said everyone was driving like maniacs. It wasn't much warmer, just the sun actually came OUT for awhile.
      Cloudy again today...

  10. I am glad there were a few thankfuls in there but you do have it bad! Cabin fever is the worst! I welcome you to come to Florida and stay with me although I have no spare room but I can shoo one of the kids out of theirs for a bit.
    I walked into the living room one night to find my husband watching some BS called Bad Girls Club. When I said WTF he said, it's like a train wreck, you have to look. I told him he had lost his cotton pickin' mind and shut the crap off.
    I want a Magic Bullet (the blender). I see them all the time and wonder if they work. I'm guessing they do. I may have to invest.
    I sure hope things get better for you soon! Hang in there!

    1. I don't know what this is, but it kind of sounds like the "....gone wild" shows.
      The Magic Bullet is amazing for smoothies, and it also makes whipped cream, it will grind coffee beans, flaxseeds, etc.
      I made all the kids baby food with it. Much cheaper!

  11. So, how do you really feel about the vortex? :) This cold and clouds and WIND is wearing me out, too. I am praying this week is the last time we will have to put a minus sign in front of a temperature.

    Yay for a teen job interview!

    And thank you for all the Simpsons references. That show cracks me up.

    1. I LOVE the Simpsons (older ones especially) too funny.
      Chicago is getting another "Polar Punch" and I'm NOT making that up, that is from the news. It's supposed to be -20, as in twenty BELOW ZERO this week. Ugh.

  12. I am completely in agreement about reality TV. *stands and applauds*

    You and your polar vortex are hogging all the rain. We had weather this week and all we got was dirt. This added to a new color warning for the air quality-purple. Which means don't breath when your outside. Winter this year is not my favorite. My SADD hasn't been too bad, and I feel you. VitD and light lamps are non-fat milk to REAL sunshine.

    Keep us posted on the teen's job. These years are so dodgy with post high-schoolers.

    1. Ugh. When the weather forecast calls for "Dirt" that's not good. You can have ALL of the mountains of snow from all of our neighbors, they would be more than happy to donate it! Especially if you come remove it :)
      The teenager hasn't heard back about a 2nd interview, but he HAS been capitalizing on all the snow by shoveling, so there's that. For now...

  13. We had one freaking day of school last week. ONE. SUCKEDMAJORASS. this week, we have 2 teacher work days. If another day is cancelled, I may just pack up and move somewhere else. Seriously. Over it. HAHA to the knifed snowman photo. And I'm completely with you on the whole reality tv thing. Give some writers some jobs and get the good stuff out there, and dump the crap. UGH. Hey have you watched Orange is the New Black? AMazing. Stay warm, Joy!

    1. Ugh. On Martin Luther King day the meme was generating:
      "I have a dream, that the kids will have 5 days of school in a row."
      That is NOT happening this week here. They've already closed the schools tomorrow, when the weather will be -18, NOT including Wind Chill.
      Orange is on my list, and it may just have moved to the top! We were watching (when we had time) Season 2 of American Horror Story, but it's not as good as Season 1 and I hear Season 3 is better, so mayhaps we'll just put season 2 on the backburner! Thanks for the tip.