The Fleshy, Fowl Underbuns Award

Recently Lizzi, writer of the brilliant Considerings blog, awarded me with the coveted "Golden Sideboob Award" (YES, there is a picture with that link!) Don't be too jealous, say the word in the Comments section of either blog, and we will gladly award you as well! I love that picture with all my sideboob. And at my current bra size that's a LOT of sideboob, pal.

Inspired by this award, and recent musical video events that had all media channels, especially the imaginary and long-sought-after blogosphere, totally titilated, I birthed the idea of the 'Fleshy, Fowl Underbuns Award.' Click the link if you have blissfully been living under a rock (and do you need a roommate, btw?) and missed the whole Miley Cyrus achy, breaky, herky, twerky debacle. 

Behold the Award! I apologize if you recently ate any turkey.
Things that make you go: "WTF"
I award this to Lizzi, and of course all such awards come with rules. I am the biggest rule breaker around, so no curse will be put upon you if you fail to follow these 'rules.' 

As this young woman will one day look back on the video and/or pictures of herself in this outfit and think "WTF" I ask you to look back at any WTF moment in life. Not necessarily something you did wrong or regret, this young lady started a virtual PR viral shark-nado, inlcuding recording a "Twerk" single the same night as the VMA's. I'm not a fan, but good for her. She didn't make a raw-turkey's-ass of herself for nothing.

The only rules: Share a WTF moment, and award another blogger if you so chose.

My WTF moment comes with no such similar success, just a great big "WTF" indeed. One evening, obviously after imbibing some sort of alcoholic beverage, I had the brilliant idea to throw hardened tortilla shells covered with hardened cheese, in the catching-and-throwing-disc fashion. Seems innocent enough? It looked hilarious, we all had a good laugh and as the saying goes, it was all fun and games until someone almost lost an eye. Me.

Here is a picture of me, after being struck in the face with a time-hardened, cheese-covered tortilla, that sat out in the air long enough to move it from foodstuffs to weapons grade tortilla. These suckers get SHARP!  WTF, right?
Me, circa early 2000's, don't mind the hair, pointing to THE WEAPON.
Be careful when playing with your food. I imagine these will no longer be allowed on aircraft soon. 

Yes, that is blood on my eye and forehead. This simple, soft flour tortilla broke the skin and left a lovely scab, which I had to explain to everyone...that it was caused by a flour tortilla. So much laughing. I did hear a lot of funny stories from people with similar facial injuries, including some forehead beer can scar story from my boss at the time.

So, Lizzi, here is your Fleshy (slightly fleshy, I mean eat a cheesy tortilla or 2, Miley) Fowl Underbuns Award! Let's here your WTF moment. 


Underbuns: The New Sideboob

As I posted on Facebook yesterday, it was obvious there had been some sort of awards program, during which Billy Ray Cyrus' daughter acted like a postal, perverted pop star. 

If you're wondering who he is, he's the mullet-totin' Achy Breaky Heart song guy, prompting several jokes about his daughter breaking his heart, causing it to "blow up and kill this man." (Lyrics to his one-hit wonder.)

I wasn't surprised. I don't follow the music world or almost anything modern, but I know that she was a Disney kid (star of that channel's show Hannah Montana,) and now she is a teenage pop star, developing her own 'brand' while no longer under the strict contracts of Disney. Combine that with the teen years and child stardom, I expect a lot of rebellion out of someone in those conditions. 

All things considered, I actually think she's done quite well, from the little bit I know about her. I am not aware that she's been forced into rehab, or even gotten so much as DUI, I haven't heard of any bar fights or facial tattoos. 

Recurring words in my newsfeed yesterday were "whore" and “outrage” over her behavior. Curiosity got the best of me and I googled the video. Here is a link if you haven't seen it. 

It will make you cringe, but it's worth watching, it's definitely different. You have to give it that. I loved the large, creepy teddy bears. Anything that makes me feel something, even if I feel creeped out, is worth the time. Did you see the movie American Beauty? That gross movie was the same way. Weird and disturbing, but it made you actually feel something, unlike so many other movies, which barely keep me awake.

In her performance, Miley is dressed like a typical modern pop star, barely any clothing, possibly starting a new trend of "under-buns" wherein her shorts are way too small and you can see almost half of her hams. 
Buzzfeed compared her hams to the backend of a turkey. 
Good, bad or indifferent, I remember the under-buns more than the music, no buns about it. She doesn't mind being the butt of jokes. You really have to ham it to her wardrobe people, her cheeky look just might be the new side boob, making parents everywhere cringe and shake their fists at the television: "This is crazy! In my day, the worst thing was Madonna, she just wore a cone bra and didn't shave her armpits!" I mean, it's always going to be something. Elvis' pelvis, The Beatles hair, everything about Black Flag (my high school fave,) every generation shocks the one before.

I feel like this is a good a time to quote the very intelligent Henry Rollins of Black Flag, in one of my old favorites, the song Family Man:

"Family Man, I want to crucify you with nails from your well-stocked garage, family man. You're such a man when you're putting up your Christmas decorations, first one on the block! Family man." 

I can't imagine what my parents would have thought about that song. Yes, this was one of my favorite things ever in high school, and I never once crucified anyone. I even grew up to have my own family, even if our garage is not well-stocked and we're never the first ones to have holiday decorations up.

Back to Miley, keeping in mind your parents' opinions of your music when you were younger, does her performance really shock you? If so, that was it's purpose. 

Do you think this broke her father's achey-breaky heart? I don't. 

The last time people were "outraged" by her behavior, she was singing about Molly, the drug flavor of the summer. Did people just forget about Brian Wilson? And the myriad of other drug-obsessed pop/rock stars I can't even start to mention, or we would be here all day.

I think she is doing what she's supposed to be doing, and while watching her twerk gives me major douche chills, it entertains young people and shocks the older generation, it gave everyone on social media, television and radio something to talk about, so mission accomplished. Young people can come together in a "Yeah, EFF the boring people" kind of attitude, and the parents can shake their heads in disgust and all agree, this is NO role model for their young future booty-shaking girls, and so on.

Her father may have (had to) internally cringe watching her grind and lick stuff, but I'm sure he gets what it's all about these days: Creating a buzz. She's an expert. I don't like any of her music that I've ever heard, but I know a lot about her. Why? She creates buzz. 

I think she was home-schooled in Pop Star Training, and among many others, given courses like:

Ozzy Osbourne: The Early Years, followed by 
Ozzy Osbourne Speaks: Why Too Many Drugs Are Bad

NWA: Shocking People Gets Them Talking 

Michael Jackson: No Such Thing As Bad Press

Britney Spears: Pre-Plan For Your Comeback

Courtney Love: *This* Far Is Too Far

Let's hope she really remembers that last one. 

I can't even imagine her dance instruction. I don't know anything about it, and I'm so old I don't get twerking at all. It just looks yucky to me, makes me want to yell at kids to turn their damn music down. If there is a dance school where you can major in Creepy Tongue Antics (is she related to Ace Freely of Kiss?) and minor in Crotch-Grabbing, Miley's the valedictorian. 

She's clearly twerking hard, twerking 9 to 5 and making it twerk. Last one, when she reaches the commercial jingle portion of her career, she should invent a snack called Beef Twerky, a giant finger of beef. The commercial hasn't even been made yet and it's already disgusting.
from guardiantv.com
As a good friend pointed out, she & I do love a good celebrity rebel, but they make a crapton of money, so I don't feel bad laughing at/with them, even if I'm not invited while they are laughing all the way to the bank.

This is the entire list from Buzzfeed of 22 things Miley looked like yesterday:


Things Kurt Cobain Never Got To Say

I know, it's been awhile. This is not one of those topical blogs. Kurt was gone too soon but not forgotten. My husband and I are those manic fans that will tell you his music changed our lives, and remember where we when he passed. I was at work, wearing my favorite gray and yellow plaid jacket with the brown suede collar, because 90's.

I have said one of these before but it always felt like it was still too soon. One look at his greasy hair and tortured face, and the laugh just stifled and slowly faded out, like the dying cricket in my basement. 

I am certain other people have made similar jokes, but whatever brought this back to my dome today, brought some friends with it. 

A short, (you're welcome) very incomplete list of some things Kurt Cobain never got to say.

"I don't care you guys, I'm not doing a deodorant commercial."

"Dave, tell me again why are you hosting Chelsea Lately?"

"Wow, Michael Jackson. Didn't see that one coming."

"Justin who?"

"Courtney, you look really pretty in that dress."

Drugs are so sexy. from igossip.com
My first Hot Mess Crush, until she lost me. (Francis Bean.)
from sanyucirca.1993.blogspot.com

There are so many more, but I really need to listen to Nevermind and sit and sip Pennyroyal Tea.


80s Movies: The Musicals. Thank You, Internet

I was watching the news, which I have posted is depressing, because it's the only thing I watch live (as opposed to DVR'ed) so I have to actually see commercials. I know, but I have my laptop so I muddle through. I'm a Survivor.

Speaking of commercials, we saw one for Flashdance: The Musical. To prove I am not making that up, I googled a link.  
Wear a raincoat if you go. Seriously.
This is probably no surprise to musical fans, I'm sure. I am NOT a fan of most musicals, unless there are sock puppets involved (click to view a whole post on Sock Puppet Show Girls, the pictures alone are worth the click) and then, hell to the yes. 
Now THIS? I might watch   from BroadwayinChicago
However, thinking about certain movies as musicals does make me laugh, and a laugh is a laugh.

I started thinking about other 80's movies as musicals, and singing famous lines from movies like The Terminator: The Musical. Picture a cyborg with Viking braids, singing in an Operatic voice, lifting one hand:
"Get in da choppa' DO IT NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-W!"
Powerful stuff. 
Yeeeeah, THIS is why you won't see many of my drawr-ings on here.
Don't ask me why I attempted to draw that. I forgot I can only draw stick figures. Stick figures go together with cyborgs like ice cream and meat sauce.

Since the internet provided nekked Spongbob, I figured I would have a talk with my friend, Google and see what I could find for this picture, or movies as musicals. 

I found so, so much.

First of all, I am NOT the first person to think of Terminator: The musical, more on that later, but also not the first person to think of other 80's movies as musicals.

Footloose, seemed obvious, but this picture cracked me up.
Look at the cowboy! Oh, the one on the far right I mean. Willard!
from MarkGoucher.com
Hard to think about, but do you think the Kevin Bacon character sings that lunchroom scene ending with '...'Don't stop, make Ginger pop!'? This would be heeeeeee-larious to see performed by high school kids, but you'd have to pay me ~5 large to sit through this at an actual theater/theatre, and or maybe provide me with a limo to and from so I could drink. Hard.

9 t0 5: The musical? You betcha. Youngins, I can't speak to the musical, but if you haven't seen this movie, it's heeelarious. Especially if you have ever worked in an office.
Roz Keith: Here, Violet, you can put this up on the bulletin board.
Violet: Thanks, Roz, I know just where to *stick* it.

Roz Keith: Did you get my memo?
Violet: [ambiguously] I did, Roz. I tore right through it.
Ghostbusters the musical? 2,330,000 results on Google

My first thought about a Ghostbusters play was how much I would LOVE to play Slimer, or as normal people know him "that fat, green floaty ghost."
Slimer. Cute, right?
from ghoula.blogspot.com
I could bunch myself up into a ball, and put a blanket over me that was sprayed with glow paint, then the black cables would fly me all over the stage.                         I 
could grab hotdogs with my green blankethands, push them through the mouth hole of the blanket and drop them out of the bottom like in the movie. I might need to actually make this happen somehow. If I started a fundraiser for GB the musical, you would go, wouldn't you?

Ghostbusters: The Musical

And the rage it instilled

Ok, so I came across this webpage. This webpage contained "Ghostbusters: The Musical". I was seriously disturbed. After having seen the Ghostbusters movies just yesterday, seeing this webpage turned me into this rage of fury. Seriously, I yelled and... well, maybe not yelled, but I most certainly got mad and disturbed.
Granted, it's amusing. But it's amusing because it's so bloody awful! They make it known to the reader that they sing songs to the tunes to "There's No Business Like Show Business", and "Y.M.C.A.". They also alienated a Beatles song [Blasphemy! — BeatleEd]. They took "Yesterday", and made it "Ghosts Away". It hurt my brain.
How can one take such incredible theatrical releases, and turn them into crap by making musicals out of them. It deserves to be printed up, and then burned. Burnt to a crisp! It should burn in hell! Now, don't get me wrong, I think that some of the script is entertaining, but it's just so wrong to think of Ghostbusters as a Broadway Musical! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!
Back to the Future: The musical, what? 130,000,000 results
You don't want to be in a small theatre when the Dolorian hits 88mph on stage
from flixist.com
Then the whole thought train derailed, news forgotten and we wasted a good 20 minutes this morning once we stumbled across these beauties:
Cartoons of movies made into musicals.  So money.

Terminator: The Musical

The Dark Knight Rises: The Musical 
To the tune of Mackelmore's thrift shop song.

There were a TON more, go to YouTube if you want to lose about an hour, and search any of these. The music for some of them left a lot to be desired. 

We are huge Star Wars fans, and that one was in my one-word review: "Meh."

The best, in our humble opinions:

JAWS: The Rock Opera
to some heavy metal band we couldn't identify but L'ed OL

What did we even DO before the internet? I can't even remember but I know it sucked.


Flip Your Sh|t: This Entire Post is a Tangent

I responded to awards in my last post and forced people to read random, and some mildly disturbing facts about me (sorry about that,) I thought I would provide a quick service to anyone reading this on a laptop. 

Look at this picture sent to me by The Dirty Diaper, and do what it says.
Sent to me from The Dirty Diaper.com
Flip your computer to see the picture. We will wait.

Okay, first I apologize for the image. I probably should have mentioned that the image is DiStUrBiNg. My bad.

Also, when this was shared with me, I was really curious if anything would look different than just 3 women so I tried it. It did and I got a bonus.

As soon as I turned my keyboard upside-down, a bunch of what I hope were crumbs fell out. Hey, free keyboard cleaning. 

You’re welcome.

Please leave me a note in the Comments with what fell out of your keyboard. I’m getting to why.

If you are on a large computer, just lift up your keyboard. If you’re on you’re phone I got nothin’ for ya. Well, a story. I have a story for you, that was a tangent to this on Facebook. A little Cubicle Monkey story for you.

I have worked in a lot of strange offices with a lot of um, interesting people. One such guy was Mike, a really interesting character. 

Mike was very hyper, would do random headstands to “get his blood flowing” and shout out words a million times, like:
“Balls. Balls. Balls. Ballsballsballsballsballs. Balls. Big Blue Bouncing Balls,” with his giant lips totally relaxed, over-emphasizing the "B" so it sounded like a 1,000-pound person, with HUGE lips was saying it. 

I don’t know how else to explain that other than doing a video and I don’t think anyone wants to see that. It's disturbing and also? You won't be able to STOP doing it. Trust me. It's a weird, contagious hybrid mini-form of spazzy Tourettes. 

Funny? Sometimes. Sure. After half an hour? SUPER ANNOYING. 

I know, that was a tangent IN a tangent story.

So anyway, Mike used to use my keyboard sometimes because I was Office Manager at this time, my computer had all the financials, etc.

One day, I was typing away on my keyboard, and a paperclip dropped in between the keys. It got itself lodged but good under the “N” button, I think it was (we told this story ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND TIMES at this office, we always said the “N” button,) so I had to pop off the “N” button and try to get that fricker out. 

I could SEE the paperclip, but it didn’t want to come out, so I turned my keyboard over and shook it. 

Holy frijoles hay-Zeus.

Because Mike had used my keyboard often, what can only be described as a Motherload, (> a shitload, < an asston,) of HAND and KNUCKLE HAIR came out of the keyboard. 

Why? You might ask.

Well, Mike was a hairy guy. His hands? SUPER HAIRY. Robin Williams at the full moon hairy. Just the way life goes.
This is not his hand, but GOOD LORD. Stay away at the full moon.  from flickr.com "The Hairy Hand"
Anyway, as soon as I stopped being horrified, and finally put it all together and figured out WHAT the pile of hair was, and who it was from, I started riotously laughing. I immediately waived the other guys in the other office over to look at this pile of knuckle hair. 

Trust me, it was just that kind of office. A group of jerky, hairy, smelly, (did I say jerky?) men, who all played way too many pranks on each other, and me. The only female. I excelled at swearing and office pranks, though. Like a BOSS. 

So initially looking at the small pile of hair, they were perplexed. When I explained, they got a huge laugh. Then, another guy looked right at me, and must have read my mind, because we both had the same lightbulb light up at the same time….
”If this came out of this keyboard, I wonder what is in MIKE’S keyboard!”

This unleashed a business casual Running-Of-The-Bulls type parade toward Mike's office.
from trippintoursonline.com

We started running like the little kids in the movie Stand By Me when they were running away from Chopper, after he got the infamous command: 
“Chopper, sick balls!”

We led the others, running down the long hall. He got there first. 

I was wearing heels. Because 90’s. He reached the desk, looked around and waited for everyone to get to the office. 

He picked up the keyboard, paused for emphasis, then we all started looking at each other. 

The excitement was mounting.

It says "Fra-gee-lay, it's imported!"
from hookedonhouses.net
It was like when the dad had in A Christmas Story won his major award, and that GIANT box was delivered.

Finally, after what felt like hours, he flipped the keyboard and shook it. 

You could hear an audible gasp.

We were not disappointed by the output. Grossed out, for sure, but not disappointed. 

No less than a toy poodle’s worth of shed hand and knuckle hair fell out of that keyboard. 
Did I keep this pic all these years? Yeah....No. I googled "pile of hair."
Found this at from yancanwrite.wordpress.com
We laughed and joked about that for years. They are probably STILL laughing about it, but I have no idea because I wouldn’t talk to those bastards if you paid me. Well, you would have to pay me a LOT. They were funny, but turned out to be spoiled rotten, rich a-holes. That’s a blog of another color.

Soooo, did anything fall out of your keyboard? Anything good? 

Is there anything easily identifiable? Say, ORANGE crumbs from Cheez-Its or Goldfish crackers or anything?? You can tell me, it'll be our secret.

Shine On, You Squirrely Golden Sideboob

I was given some blogging awards, so mine aren't the lowest standards in the blogosphere. (Sorry for using that word.) 

To save you time and clicks, no one wants an EXTRA CLICK these days, jeez! I am taking a note from some fellow smart(y pants) bloggers by combining them. Plus, these particular awards have really funny names, especially when combined. See post title.

These are 3 different awards, obviously none given for proper grammar or say, quality content. The only "rules" are linking back to the people awarding and listing random facts. I can random with the best of em.

The first, in order of timing received, is the Squirrely Blogger award. How could I ignore that right? 

Awarded from the funny, lovely Jenn of My Daily jenn-isms, who unlike me actually writes quality content. That seems exhausting, I'm not sure how she does it but I'm glad she does. 

I will post links to these blogs at the bottom as well, so you can keep reading about shiny, squirrely sideboobs. Do yourself a favor and check the blogs at the end out.
Nuttier than squirrel balls in a peanut butter jar, amiright?
The next one is a doozy, hand-crafted from talented artisan blogger, Lizzi, of Considerings. The coveted Golden Sideboob! 

Let's all just pause a moment to bask in the wonder of this picture.
Sideboob is the new black. I heard that on Fashion Police so it must be true.
I know. Feel free to bask in the glow of this picture as long as you like.

The one rule (besides SHOW THE BOOBIE) was to award another blogger with the Golden Sideboob: I pick, for obvious reasons, Ooops I Said Vagina Again blog. Bam. You have to read that blog to believe it.

I mean seriously, could two awards BE more appropriate? Don't answer that with fecal awards, it's one of those rhetorical questions. 

The final is a Shine On award, from the unparallelly funny It's Why You Like Me
OH, stars shining. NOT my oily skin. Well, okay then.

I thought this was awarded for my oily complexion having posting pictures of myself daydrinking in my "How To Make Any Summer Day a GREAT Summer Day" post, a fantastic read by the way, because yeah, I was pretty sweaty in those pictures by the end. Because Summer. And drinking, and I also have oily skin. I don't mind this as much as I should because the women in my family are not wrinkle-prone. 

Hey, there's one of the ten random facts that goes along with this post! I think the 10 are supposed to be things about ourselves, because I was thisclose to giving away ten spoilers from the Game of Thrones books. 

Kidding, that's all kinds of rude. p.s. EVERYONE DIES. hahaha

In random order, here are the other nine including the first 2 which were questions asked of me on my Facebook page. I stole that idea from The Precious Princess in Bananaland:

1. Felicia asked me my sTrAnGest pet peeve. Strange is subjective, but most people find it strange that I morselize my food before eating. I cut it up into tiny little pieces, and combine things together for flavor optimization, and also because my shifty-ass teeth moved while I was pregnant and they don't line up right. This means if/when I try to take a bite of a sandwich with tomatoes and lettuce, ALL OF THE tomatoes and lettuce slide off with me, because my teeth don't clamp down all the way. I HATE THIS. So hard.

The only fix is braces, to the tune of $5-6,000 which we would have to take out a loan for. I can't make myself do it right now. I also would have a bitch of a time getting to any ortho appointments because my husband works far away and is only home for an hour a day in the evenings. I try not to think about, it's just too frustrating. I just cut up all my food like I do for my baby. Could be worse.

2. Blair asked me if I spit or swallow. My gum. I haven't swallowed gum since Catholic school, because I was dealthy afraid of some of the nuns.

3. Yes, I went to Catholic school for 9 years, you'll be shocked to hear, so No, I do not believe in God, or Santa Claus, or the Tooth Fairy, or Karma, or anything else you try to throw at me to get me to behave. I behave if and when I want to, because I want to. Because humans should all try to take care of each other, and work together. Not because I'm afraid of anything.

4. Speaking of that, I'm not really afraid of anything. Other than my children getting sick, or maybe some sort of deadly weapon being pointed at us. Being a single mom, having to do everything myself, makes you stronger and makes you realize FEAR is stupid. It's useless. Face your fears, kick their ass(es), and own who you are. 

5. Not-so-Fun Fact: I don't have any toenails. Well, I guess if truth be told I have about 6 toenails altogether. I'm not even sure why, one podiatrist suggested tight shoes as a child, one doctor said my FINGERnails are jacked because of hypothyroid disease. Also why I hardly have any eyelashes (side effect of the medicine.) Who knows. Who cares. Toenails are stupid. I have bigger fish to fry in life, and try to look at all the great things I DO have. Like...

6. I have 3 kids, they are all wonderful, beautiful, HILARIOUS and giant pains in the ass in one way or another. Just like all the kids in my family.

7. Family: I have awesome 2 sisters and a brother who is a selfless, good man and a wonderful father. We are a big, funny, wonderfully WeIrD family. We are an acquired taste, not without flaws, and we have been through a lot together. We tease each other relentlessly, we own our flaws, and despite our differences, we love each other and we know it's us against the cruel world like it or not. 

Plus, when people know shit about each other, like the kind of shit WE know about each other, it's best just to stay on their good side.

8. Despite being a lazy, self-centered slob, I volunteer with certain organizations whenever I can. I can't do much with all the kids these days, but I do what I can when I can. It's important to give back, it's FUN and I have met the BEST friends in the world through volunteering. Try it! Go to volunteer.org or look locally. 

9. I really wish I were a better writer. I make myself laugh all dayum day, that's easy, but I struggle to write anything other than ridiculous nonsense. I can edit and re-edit a simple blog post for HOURS if I let myself. Yeah, obvy not THIS one, and if you have read anything I have written on this blog, you know I don't actually let myself do that. Too busy at the moment. 

I do love to write though. Deep down inside myself I would love for that to be my paid job one day when I grow big. It's my biggest wish for myself, outside of family, being healthy and happy stuff. Someday I hope to be able to make the time to at least explore that more. The End.

Now I am supposed to pass these awards on, that's the hard part. I love so many blogs, and I know they get TONS of awards, to the point where this becomes like a HOMEWORK assignment. There are so many awesome bloggers, good writers, people creating great DIY crafts, projects for kids, recipes, sewing ideas, actual REAL LIFE stuff, as opposed to my "hey, look at the stripper names I made up for my kids toys" type crap. I couldn't list them all, I would fill the internet, but here are a few:


The blog I nominated, Ooops, I Said Vagina, Again can be found here.

At the risk of making my blog and writing look even worse, here are the blogs of the fine women with low enough standards to AWARD my ramblings.

Click here for the delightfully sarcastic My Daily Jenn-ism.
Stalk Considerings blog here.
Find out WHY you'll like It's Why You Like Me here. 

You will like them all. 


Naughty Night Names

We were talking to our 3 year old about nicknames, how my name is Joy, but she and her brother and sister call me "Mom," etc. Today she announced to her father and me: 
"My night name is Lola." 

She had no idea why the words night name set us off giggling and singing "...she was a show-girl..." and whatnot. 

I love when she mispronounces words, it's adorable and I feel like she has 2 whoooole years yet until kindergarten, so that's plenty of time unlearn all the wrong words and swearing, right? 

Given my recent post about strippers, we started giving everyone "night names" including all of her toys, because The Force is strong with our parenting. 

Some were easy, Spongebob NoPants (and of course I found a picture for this on the internet.) 
Spongebob NoPants
Hot damn, I love the internet.
Naked Spongebob? HERE YOU GO.
from advrider.com

Her purple octopus? No-brainer if you're a James Bond fan. 

Here are some others we came up with:

For her Rubber Ducky, my husband said in a gale of giggles that her nightname is Feathers Down and asked "See what I did there?" Indeed.

Mr. Elephant has an impressive trunk, so we dubbed him Max JunkTrunk.
Max JunkTrunk, always happy to see you

If we had a girl elephant, we might have gone with Ivana TrunkaLot. 

This elephant? is clearly a boy elephant.

Alligator is known only as Mr. Mouth after dark.

Yellow Fish is a little boring, Fins McGILLicuddy seems appropriate.

The Red Fish however has some flare, she looks more like a Spicy Tuna Roll. So spice!

We are long time Simpsons fans, so we were looking around for an animal to call Amanda Hugnkiss, ah, the zebra.

Turtle (Mr. Turtle is my father) goes by Slippery Shelly in the witching hour.

You can call her hippo JassHugh Jass, even if you call collect.

Her boy pony is "Charlie" according to Lola, but at eventide he transforms into Shiny Hindquarters.

Big Mack Daddy was campaigning to call her girl pony Sweet Buttercups, but that name will never catch on with the other toys. When we first got her, she was called Ginner, that's how Lola said "Ginger" which is an awesome nightname! (Stop. Tangent Time. Incidentally Ginger is the nightname I assigned to my husband's last car because she was gold, sparkly and shapey.) 

However, Lola played with this poor little pony's mane until she turned her into Nicky Manaj, and like all ComfyTown nicknames, that name stuck.
Her destiny is set with this hair

See what I mean?

Mr. Bear transforms into the clothing-optional dancer known as Smoky the Fur. So hot only HE can prevent forest fires....but will he?! Find out, 2 shows a night after dusk.

Her singing Dog Scout uses the mouth-ful moniker Dirty Dawg Done Dirt Cheap by streetlight, and he also solves crimes. 

It was at this point we realized we should probably stop playing this game before it starts getting really Cinemax, and find out where the kids had wandered off to.

Daddy's night name is Big Daddy, Moon and Stars (because Game of Thrones) and since my actual name is Joy, well that just takes care of itself.

What might YOUR night name be?