Lifetime Fatness: A Guide To The Holidays

I was going to put together some easy things I did to lose 15 pounds since summer, but really, weight loss tips? Does that even sound like me? 

I feel like that's the equivolent of Donald Trump's Guide to Etiquette. 
Ben Carson's Thoughts on Reality.
Ways Republicans Accept Women As Humans.

Okay, you get it. Let's just say it's not consistent with my comfy brand or whatever.

Instead, I would like to share my tips for getting through the holidays without murdering those oh-so-helpful people who love to "look out for us" and are "concerned for our health," when commenting about our food and beverage intake. 

Also known as making us feel like horrible fat fatties, and then mentally high-fiving each other behind out backs that at least they're doing something to help us. Barf.

Thanks so much Judy, now go on your smoke break, or play your 15th game of Candy Crush at your desk, or yell at your kids on your phone, or have a 3rd glass of wine, or a Xanax, or whatever your vice is, and just keep your judgement to yourself. We all have something and I'm so sorry my current something is unsightly for you to look at. 
So when I'm in that situation and someone says something super awesome to me like,
"A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips!"
I'll usually either,
a.) Dust off my TED Talk about how women no longer have to weigh our self worth by our looks alone, or 
b.) a nice little explanation of how I don't look at food as just a caloric number, balanced against steps taken or whatever else Fit Bit measures, or 
c.) Ever consider, "Do I 'deserve' to eat right now?" 

Another lovely, caring thing people have said to me,
"Go ahead and enjoy that, you deserve it."
Thanks. Thanks so much for confirming that I actually deserve to eat food to fuel my body. I was wondering the whole time I earned the money for this food, shopped for it and prepared it if I was worthy of it, so thanks for the support, Janice. I was going to poll the whole office, but since you said it, I feel like I can go ahead and proceed now.

But then sometimes, like around the holidays when everyone is already tense and crabby, I don't feel like getting into all of that. Sometimes it's easier to Elsafy and Let It Go.

I just smile and nod and pretend to be grateful. 
"Yeah, I'm working on it."
"I'm totally going to start my diet after New Year's"

You couldn't give me a FREE membership during January when everyone and their Aunt Sally is cramming into the gym and pretending like they're still going to be there in a couple of months. I'll take a hard pass.

So while it's true we don't owe anyone health or fitness, or a pretty outer package or actually anything, 

from boldorama.com
in my 4 decades of Not Giving a Dang, I've come up with some handy ways to keep the judgey people satisfied. 

Or at least quiet, thinking you're doing your part to keep their America beautiful.

I'm going to do a Numbered List, even though I feel like this is dumbing down America almost as much as reality TV. However, for purposes of pinning this to Pinterest and referring to it later, here we go.

1. Carry around a piece of fruit.
Or leave it on your desk. Even if you don't eat fruit, just leave it there as a pre-emptive 'Shut it.' If someone asks, tell them it's there for a healthy snack
Tell them how people are always bringing cake, cookies and whatnot during the holidays. (Still totally eat those cookies and cakes and whatnot, the fruit is just for show.) Or also eat the fruit, fiber is awesome. Whatever man, it's your journey.

2. Get a water bottle for your desk.
Same with the fruit. Drinking water is an easy way to flush out toxins (sorry I used that word) and make you look like you care about your health. 
It seriously doesn't even matter if you ever drink that water, it will make Janice in Accounting make you think you care about your health. Maybe she'll stop sending you those stupid articles. 

3.  Half an hour before lunch, change to gym shoes.
If anyone asks, tell them you're going for a walk at lunch. Whatever you're doing, I'm sure you'll have to walk somewhere to get there. Plus gym shoes are 1000 times more comfortable than whatever you're rocking to work. 
Besides, walking to my car to drive through Taco Bell and then walking through the mall to pay the minimum due on my Torrid bill? IS WALKING. Back up off me.

4. Dodge the elevator, take the stairs.
If you work on the 20th floor, no worries. Take the stairs to the 17th floor, then go grab the elevator there. If you happen to get caught by someone in your office, no worries. Just tell them you're building your way up to taking the stairs all the way down. Say the words "Baby steps." Only those words, and in your head you can fill in the part about how all you want to take is baby steps.
The stairs are a glorious place, by the way. Usually the kind of people who take the stairs don't want to make small talk, or even eye contact. They have crap to do, secret calls to make, or they're on their way down or up to the roof to smoke and don't give a crap about you. It's kind of cool actually. Way better than the crappy elevator people. Try it.

5. Before the Holiday Party, have a small meal.
I don't know how your company party is, but most of the companies I've worked for went from holiday dinner to holiday late lunch after half a day of work. Because it's cheaper, but whatever. Point is, it often happens either so long after lunch or such a LATE lunch that when you show up you're starving. Add a holiday cocktail and if you're like me, you're ready to strong-arm those nerds in Accounting out of your way to get a bite of cheese and crackers.
Smart money says, eat something at work. At your desk or in the lunchroom. Tell anyone giving you side eye (I can see you, Karen) that you want to minimize high-calorie foods at the party, so you're having a healthy snack first, based on article Janice in Accounting sent you.
Meanwhile, having food before Happy Hour just lays down a nice base so you're not the First One Drunk and you're not fighting people off for those few crappetizers they sprang for and your stomach isn't growling by the time the soup is served. 

I have more but my time is up. Take it from me, you can have a full, happy life without a $100/month Lifetime Fitness membership. You can wear stretchy pants and only catch minimum shade from those basic beyotches that actually eat kale and are pissed at you because of it. 
Kale is a practical joke, and a funny one. But munch away!