Dear DVR, I love and hate you

Today is Tuesday LINKUP at Honest Mom. I pink puffy heart Honest Mom. Yes I'm known to love the adrenaline rush of lying, but I also love reading about REAL LIFE stuff, and venting about my cra-zay. I mean, sometimes crazy is funny. 

She had ONE RULE about the post to share: It has to be honest. Most of mine are honest….except the part when I lie (exaggerate.) I started this post below awhile ago and keep blowing off finishing it, thinking “This is too embarrassing to post.” Well, that must mean it’s HONEST. Sounds like a weener.

I need a bigger DVR, or at least a DVR Butler. Is that a thing? If it’s free, it should be. Mine is ALWAYS FULL. I know that you can prioritize, and set stuff to be auto erased when you need space, and set your GOOD shit to save until you MANUALLY delete it. I just never seem to actually WATCH the stuff I do record. I mean it’s TV, it’s all crap.

from mediabistro.com

Except my cooking show, The Chew. This show is the bomb diggety but I don’t seem to be mentally penciling it in to my day. 

Yeah yeah “pound-sign-FirstWorldProblems,” I get it. But that is where I live, I’m allowed 1st World Problems. Besides, what do YOU rant about? Litter? That sounds like a fun fricking read.

Every few days I get a message that it’s almost full and I have to “clear it out” and figure out what can go, only to get it ALL THE WAY DOWN to 40%. That’s because it’s always at LEAST 40% full of Sesame Street. Wait, wait, simmer down, it’s MOSTLY just a pre-bed/naptime ritual. TV’s off most of the day. A lot--SOME of the day. I do play music and talk radio. (Honey, I get lonely. These babies do NOT get me.)

Adventure Time from
So I go in to the DVR and look at what is clogging up my shit. 

Standard 5 or so episodes of Adventure Time, that’s gold. Most of those can stay. Not for the kids, the teenager and I effing LOVE THAT CARTOON.

There is a unicorn made of rainbow so if you don’t like Adventure Time? There is NO HOPE for your black, dead SOUL. Die in a fire. As they say.

There are usually also some Law & Order, mostly SVU because let’s not even mess around. I can never tell from the title if I’ve seen them, they all sound the same, so when I get a minute I start watching and go “Oh yeah, saw it,” and I can delete it, but I don’t always do that. 
from fanpop.com
So when my DVR is 90% full, old L&O can go, there is a freaking SVU marathon every other day.

Baron Von Sush simplywallpaper.net
Toy Story 3 from Disney Channel has been on the DVR since November. How do I know?  Because there’s a commercial for a Disney show with the words “Honey I shrunk the turkey!” My 3 yr old does a kick-ass impression of it. 

The movie has commercials and takes up a LOT of room, but shit that’s gotta stay. We LOVE that movie. I should buy it. But I never do. That stays.

Then there are those crazy-ass shows my teenager records and tries to pawn off as funny. Your Duck Dynasty and whatnot. 

from pinterest.com
Sometimes he’ll watch something and SAVE IT for us to show us a funny part. 

Shutup, watch the Christmas one where Si is dressed like an ELF. I don’t CERR who ya ERR, that’s funny RAIGHT THERR.

Hey, he’s a teenager so at this point? That’s bonding right there. You wait and see. Anyway, if there are tons of those, the older ones can go.

Then we have the memory sucker, those 20 episodes of Sesame Street. 

Thing is, we mostly just watch the last 10-15 minutes, Elmo’s World. We try to only save the BEST ones. Don’t act like you don’t critique that shit. The camera one? Hilarious. The girl’s baby sister looks like she’s in a COMA and the mom? Don’t get my husband started.

Elmo's World "Cameras" I THINK that baby is just sleeping (not sure though)
We all get the “Doctor” song stuck in our heads for days. That is my daughter’s JAM. But we have a bitch of a time remembering which episode has which Elmo on it. WHY is there NOT a mothereffing APP FOR THAT?  

from muppet.wikia.com

If the DVR Butler could clear the ones we hate, and the rest of the episode out (and leave Bert & Ernie and Super Grover 2.0 b/c my toddler LOVES that shit) everything else? Can go. Unless it’s cool visual counting or letters. I like to force that into her brain.

I know they have Elmo on DVD but that costs MONEY, and we get them from the library and all that, I just have a tough time returning library movies on time.

Sooo I just keep some on the DVR. It’s also a lot easier and in case you’re new here, we’re all about that. To fire up the DVR you need what my Lola calls the “grey mote” (GREY universal remote) which we have two of. Those big ole S*H*I*N*Y things are like Visa, they’re everywhere you want to be. Boom. Right there. If they’re out of reach, Lola will run like Speedy Gonzalez and get one and fetch it for you.

To fire up the DVD or Netflix you need the elusive “black mote,” and that shit is ninja. 

Maybe because it's black and our recliners are dark brown, I don’t KNOW, but it's hard to pin down. 

Yes. I DO know how LAZY this makes me sound, you don’t have to tell me. I’m sitting on my hams right now typing about finding television remotes. Know what YOU are doing right now? Sitting on your hams READING about television remotes. So we belong together.

She said this post had to be HONEST. It didn’t say anything about intelligent or thought-provoking. Phew.


Momspirational Tag: ME ME ME

Dang I was tagged. No, not graffiti this time, a “Who the Hell Are You?” blog post, from Mom-spirational blog. This seems right up my alley, since those words are the EXACT name of my 2nd ever blog entry here.

It started with Jenn at My Daily Jennism and she’s pretty awesome, so why not keep it going. Plus I was threatened chain-letter style so what the fudge. They are questions about me, my favorite subject. I’m one of the coolest girls I know.

My job is to answer 25 easy peasy questions – then tag people. 
1. Where were you born?  I was born a poor black man. Wait, that’s Steve Martin. I was born in Chi-CAH-go, and those TV Chicago accents? Are terrible. Very few people actually speak that way anymore. Only old timey chaps from “over by der.”

from zimbio.com
2.  Were you named after someone?  I was born on Christmas Day and my name is Joy, so you guessed it. Regis Philben’s wife. 

He’s my real dad and his wife said she could forgive him his indiscretion if my mom named me after her. Well well well.

Also? In case I have to address this in a court of law, my Grandmother may have heard the song at church and sang it to my mom on the phone when I was born. Now I’m here to tell you all about accepting Jesus Christ as your personal Avon Representative.

3. How many children do you have?  Three. That I know of but I was pretty slutty at stages of my life. No regrets. I do have 3 kids, and one of them is actually kind of nice. She’s young though, it might just be a phase.

4. How many pets do you have?  One. Dumeril’s boa constrictor. He’s about 5 feet long now. Very sweet and docile. He sleeps with the baby. (Obviously not really. He is deathly afraid of the baby.) This picture is him 3 years ago, he's bigger now. Under that log on the left? Is his shedded skin.
This is our snake in his cage, doing his yoga

5. Your worst injury.  Birth. I swear I have never been the same. 
Oh and I did break my ass once. I fell down the stairs and landed on my tailbone. Turns out they can’t put your whole ass in a cast so there is not much you can do, except sit on a damn inflatable donut, take pain killers and never have your ass be the same. This was over ten years ago and I STILL have a bad ass-day sometimes. Maybe it was a good thing, though, because before that? I could SIT for a looong, looong time. I mean, I don’t wanna brag.

6.  Do you have a special talent?   You mean other than sitting? (Who is asking the questions now?) I can kick my husband’s ASS IN at the carnival game Whack-A-Mole. He is super smart and competitive, he beats me at EVERY game in the world except Boggle and Whack-A-Mole. Now he won’t PLAY those with me anymore. Hrrmpff! Wanna play?

7.  Favorite thing to bake.  Cookies, even though I have to make a double batch so that some may actually make it to the oven. Kids birthday cakes, mostly because I’m cheap (they’re not always good but if I let sucking stop me, I would never do anything.)

8. Favorite Fast Food.  Always had a Taco Bell thang. Not just when I’m drunk, but especially when I’m drunk.

9.   Would you bungee jump? I don’t think so. Everybody has a price, but I would have to be paid a lot of money. A friend did this over water, and painstakingly described the process of continually SMACKING his whole body into the water, being ripped back up, hurling back down to SMACK his whole body into the water, over and over and over. I can’t imagine doing this over concrete would be better.

10.  What is the first thing you notice about people?  Depends on the person. If it’s THIS person in the picture, I’d say his jaunty hat.  I love a good hat.

from dbsmyth.com
In general, I remember the way people make me FEEL. If someone is super sexy but mean, I don’t want to spend time with them. 

If someone is very smart, but makes me feel stupid, I want to find what makes them insecure and feel the need to prove their intelligence, then systematically break their spirit. 

If someone has an amaze-balls handlebar mustache? Chances are they are going to make me feel as giddy as a schoolgirl.

Whatever and whoever you are, think about how you treat people and how that makes them feel.

11.  When was the last time you cried?  Friday night. And all the damn time. Every five minutes. Over-tired, stressed out, overwhelmed, don’t have the Three Kids thing figured out yet. Friday I once again lost, among other things, my driver’s license. Yeah, I’m THAT idiot.

12.  Any current worries.  Too many. I could fill the internets. Money, disorganization, laziness, depression, my horrible memory. Did I leave the iron on? Just kidding. I never use the iron.

13.  Name 3 drinks you drink regularly.  Coffee, milk, water w/MIO or a little bit of juice. I wish Beer, but it makes me too tired.

14.  What’s your favorite book? Geek Love by Katherine Dunn; The BFG by Roald Dahl; and Cruddy by Lynda Barry. They’re SOO GOOD. Pin them, add to them to your list(s).

15.  Would you like to be a pirate.  As a LARPer or on the internet, yes. In a play or for Halloween, Hayall to the yes. Real life? I’m land locked.

16.  Favorite Smells.  Garlic, GINGER (obsessed,) fresh cut grass, new baby, anything being cooked by my husband. And kind of? Bleach. It means something is clean (finally.)

17.  Why do you blog?  I crave adult interaction. I like to have a creative outlet. I need a place where I can vent, swear and let the MEANer side out without feeling guilty about it. It builds up like a tea kettle. My mind fills with junk, writing some of it down clears it out a little. I don't have a lot of time, but I get down what I can  when I can.

18. What song do you want played at your funeral?  “Let It Be” and/or old timey jazz, that music has always made me feel very nostalgic. However my family has a saying “Kiedy wy jesteście martwi wasz osioł nie jest szef” (copied from http://www.poltran.com/pl.php4)   It’s Polish, in English it means “When you’re dead your ass is not the boss.” So whatever my family picks. I would guess "Superfreak" or 70’s/80’s punk music or 90s grunge b/c that was the modern music I liked.

19.  What is your least favorite thing about yourself. My feet. I have really ugly feet. Other than that, I’m Fun on a Bun. If there is something I don’t like, I take steps to change it. I struggle with my weight, but if I bothered me? I would work out more. Or throw down a salad once in awhile maybe. Why don't I do that more?

20.  Favorite hobby.  Reading and hanging out w/family/friends. Playing board games when I have time. I love to play Harry Potter Trading Card game w/my husband. (Did I not mention we’re dorks?)

21. Name Something you’ve done, you never thought you would do?  Play Harry Potter Trading Card game. Almost every single thing I’ve done since marrying my husband. He’s making me soft. One specific example: I only wore dark, gothy colored clothes before and listened to scary music, but he likes pink and bright colors, and happy music. I don’t know how he got me to cave, but between me and my TWO daughters my laundry is: Light color clothes, Dark color clothes, Pink.

22.  What do you look for in a friend.  
Momspirational, the lovely lady who tagged me, answered with SOLID GOLD. She wrote:
“Honesty.  Sense of humor.  Non-judgmental.  If I have to act different to be around you – I would rather be alone.” WORD. 
I can forgive some of those things if you are SUPER BIG FUN. I like that in a person.

23.  Favorite Fun things to do?  Games, Cards, Travel, Binge Drinking. Haven’t done those much lately, we’re in the Baby stage, which is awesome, lately my fave thing is SLEEP.

24.  Pet peeves.  Judgmental people, narrow-minded thinking, mixing of church and state. When my kids don’t SLEEP at night. Arugula. It tastes SO BAD to me.

25.  Whats the last thing that made you laugh?  Check my Facebook page for a play-by-play. Some are weird thoughts that are too long of a story to explain, but earlier today: Mike Rowe, of Dirty Jobs fame. He had a long story on his personal Facebook page about drinking coffee then running. I’m sure you can imagine. If not, I posted it on my page 2/25/13, it’s pretty dern funny.

Okay Now for the Hard Part – Tagging Others.
If I tagged you, lets find out who the hell you are. If you're a reader, please click these links to read about the  wonderful bloggers I tagged, they are amazing. 


Aaand the Oscar for Biggest Bag of Douche Goes To...

All of Hollywood. You’re welcome. Yes, we know, you are SO SHOCKED you won!

from adambaney.com
You were up against a lot of other REALLY BIG bags of hot air, and you’re SO "surprised" and taken aback you didn’t even write a speech.......
Yet you’re going to prattle on for the next TWENTY FUCKING MINUTES in a super dramatic fashion.

I don’t have anything against the Oscars really, I love movies. I’m a decade behind and I don’t ever like the movies most other people like anyway, but I am a HUGE fan of entertainment of all kinds. 

I just don’t find these ass-kissing festivals, and the DAY LONG events that come before and after, to be entertaining.

I don’t care what designer so and so picked, (though I WILL watch Joan Rivers rip them all apart on "Fashion Police." Because Joan Rivers is a legend.

I also don't care which multi-million dollar display of jewelry they are borrowing. BARF. Good for them, if it makes you happy it can't be that bad, good for anyone having fun with it, it's just not my thang.

I also really don't have the intestinal fortitude to make it through the speeches. Especially the dramatic ones, the feigned looks of surprise, the whole 
“Who me? Lil ol me?!” 
grasping their chest in mock surprise bullshit. Is anyone buying that?

Whenever I’m watching something and I start to feel like I want to punch myself in the face, I tend not to watch that anymore, (e.g. Lost and Family Guy.)

It was Sarah Jessica Parker, (why the long face,) who actually pushed me over the edge of not being able to watch these. 

She won some such award years ago, not an Oscar, whatever award they give to TeeVee puppets who make soap opera cable shows about sex.

Anyhoo, she won and holy-fucking-golden-balls, you would have thought she was working in a CORN FIELD her whole life, and some alien futuristic helicopter landed out of the blue and gave her a Nobel Peace Prize made of dinosaur fur. 

She carried on and ON, like literally fake gasping for air, 
and “OH MY GOD”ing, 
and that thing where they’re crying but not really crying, and waving her hand in the air (FOR REAL) and she did this through her whole SPEECH. 

I was like: 
"Holy shit, either this lady really can’t wrap her long head around winning this, oooorrr else she is a professional fucking ACTRESS. 
Who just won an ACTING AWARD. 
from Riverfronttimes.com
At first, for like five seconds I was thinking “How can anyone be THAT surprised? Don’t they know ahead of time that they’re NOMINATED? Don’t they announce that shit all over TV and radio months ahead of time?” 

Yes, yes they do. And we ALL KNOW IT. 

So, Sugarfoot, if WE knew you were nominated...meaning there was a chance you could win...guess who else knew? 

YOU and the TEAM of people that wrote your speech, picked your gown, saddle and bridle, and brushed that beautiful coat of fur until it shone like spun gold. Sshhh, here's a carrot. Good girl.

QUICK TANGENT: Seriously though, if you Google “Sarah Jessica Parker” the second thing that comes up is “Horse” and if you click IMAGES, oh my Seabiscuit, you will be viewing for a pretty long time. 

There is a whole web site dedicated to it. http://sarahjessicaparkerlookslikeahorse.com/

Too mean?

What? To critique a famous actress who makes a RI-DICK-ULOUS amount of money based largely on their looks? Meh. I don’t feel sorry for her or Robert Downey Junior, who I really like, but seriously, when he whined at Ricky Gervais for bringing up and JOKING about RDJ's ACTUAL past? At some other Actor-Ass-Kissing Festival, can't remember which one. Bitch, please. Aww poor little rich kids, in their giant mansions, getting paid millions to play dress up and portray fashion queens and comic book characters. 

Found on Tumblr heart-of-palladium
Wah. Try working under fluorescent lighting in generic cubicles for stupid REAL WORLD assholes, and have people mock you for a fraction of what you make.  

If you want to be famous and have everyone talk about you? Guess what, people will talk about you. We’re people, we’re not all nice.

Nothing against anyone who finds this shit entertaining, which is probably most of our country, I’m just a SciFi/Fantasty geek. When I want to escape and be entertained I want to be taken AWAY, to a galaxy far, far away with swords or dragons or aliens, and the more "action" (read: violence) the better. Usually by the time they get to those movies on the award shoes, and whatever random “Sound” or “Technical” awards they get, everyone is asleep. 

Also, if anything interesting should miraculously happen at the Oscars that should interest me? Chances are it will be on the news. It was also be all over social media for weeks.

Like that time someone won an award, and they gave it to Ving Raymes. That was awesome.

Or the time Kayne yelled at Taylor Swift or something because he thought Beyonce had a better video. VIDEO. (And didn't Beyonce COPY from another video btw?)

from codehesive.com
That was SUCH a DICK MOVE. But for my money? At least it was different, and Taylor's face reacting to that was GENUINE. 

I mean, the whole thing was probably a publicity stunt. I think he did that RIGHT before releasing an album, and then whattayaknow?! His name is ALL OVER the damn news.

But it was something different, and not a moment filled with absolute weapons-grade Bolgnium. (Prof. J. Farnsworth, Futurama.)

Color me: Uninterested. 

Here is a list of things I’d rather watch than any TV/movie awards show:
1.       The inside of my eyelids.
2.      Any blog written by almost anyone.
3.      Star Wars for the bazillionth time.
4.      Anything.
5.      Everything.

A-a-a-a-a-and, for waking me up 18 times in the past two hours, so I couldn’t sleep and got up to write this stupid, ranty bullshit, I’d like to present the AWARD 
for MOST ANNOYING PERSON SLEEPING to...........*drumroll please*.....:

My 1 yr old daughter. 
OMIGOD, she’s so stunned she just pooped in her pants.    

End scene. *that thing with the fingers*


Lola is 3: SUPER Random Thoughts. And Stuff.

I started this Sunday, the day after Lola's 3rd birthday party. Life derailed my train of thought several times, then a death in the family seems to have taken me in another direction, but this was what I STARTED thinking about after her party.

I will put a link to a blog at the end of this that contains some nice poetry, written by my recently deceased first cousin, Carolyn. Her funeral is today, her blog made me want to come try to finish this, or at least post what I came up with for future reference.

Somehow in the long, slow blink of a sleep-deprived eye, my Lola is three. 

She has changed tremendously in her short life. She used to be a staunch Republican, but now she’s more liberal-minded. Okay obviously NOT REALLY, but it is amazing how kids have a certain personality at each stage, and it seems like they change almost COMPLETELY every couple of years.  She was shy and painfully emotional, still is somewhat, but my Lola has become a funny, sweet wonderful child. I adore her so very much I cannot even put it into words.
from mediabistro.com

It is interesting to look at how my children have changed.

My son Tinny was a very difficult pregnancy,
then a great baby,
then a HORRIBLEY active tantrum-havin’ toddler,
then a very sweet young man,
a life-questioningly painful teenager,
and I feel like he’s slowly turning into a kind, family-loving young man.

Lola was a beautifully quiet, lovely roommate as zygote and fetus,
unfortunately a very colicky never stop crying for NINE months baby,
she turned into a shy but quickly got better toddler,
now she is extremely sweet and wonderful to be around.
She is still very emotional, but a very helpful people pleaser.

Baby Bug was a more difficult pregnancy,
totally sweet baby,
now shaping up to be a LAST CHILD kind of toddler.
Like omigod-how-much-is-the-morning-after-pill kind of terror.

FYI: In case a “friend” ever asks you about the morning after pill, NO Insurance covers that shit right now, it’s $50 at CVS and worth every fucking PEN-NAY. My husband said it’s still cheaper than a hooker. (I feel kind of comforted that if he visited a hooker it would at least be a higher-priced hooker, ya know?)

Okay enough about my husband with hookers, back to my a-hole kids. (Yes, I think my mom does read this, why do you ask?)

I don’t know if it’s more a matter of the kids alternating stages of sweet and terrible, or if as a survival technique one can sense how much trouble another is causing and subconsciously adjusts their attitude a little for whatever reason. I want to say it’s that last thing, probably because I have years ahead of having three children and if they all went through a tough stage simultaneously, I’m not sure I would be the kind of alcoholic that would be high functioning. That’s a great thing about the future, you just don’t know.

For Lola’s third birthday I did a Spongebob theme, I mean if you count cake, plates and a couple decorations my sister brought as a “theme.” I thought it would be an easy cake to make. She does love Spongebob even though now we’re pushing her toward Elmo, and semi-educational stuff for her allotted television viewing time. Plus we’re cheap and we don’t have Nickelodeon anymore.

Tinny and my very detail-oriented niece, Hanna, did a wonderful job on the cake. I didn’t even play around with alternative flours this time, too tired, too many other things, and the last one was a giant, frosted hockey puck made of sawdust.

 The party was great, no games or anything, Lola mostly just likes to play with toys right now anyway. She got great gifts, including the Fisher Price digital camera. This is Ha-UGE because she is obsessed with the cameras and pictures on our phones. She likes to leave my phone all over the place, and we have to play phone scavenger hunt. Not a fun game.

One of MY favorite things Lola got? A double stroller from my oldest sister’s resale shop. That probably sounds weird, but for someone who is broke, has two small children and desperately needs to exercise, this is SOLID GOLD, believe it. This is our FIFTH double stroller, and I no idea just how SKETCHY used strollers can be. 

from ivygateblog.com
Normal people probably just buy new strollers and don't think much about it. 

We're on a one-income budget so resale shops, Goodwill and hand-me-downs are our bidness.

You can try to test those damn strollers in the store. You can even put a bunch of crap in it and roll it around, but you just don’t KNOW how much they suck until you put your big, chubb-ay bag-o-butter kids in there and actually push ‘em around your neighborhood, full of notoriously shitty sidewalks.  

Seriously, not only are the sidewalks all cracked and banged up around here, but they are so damn RANDOM. 

from news.bbc.co.uk
Our sidewalks are like the staircases at Hogwarts, which change in case you’re unfamiliar with the training school for witchcraft and wizardry.

Across the street and down a few houses, there is seriously a sidewalk for ONE fucking HOUSE. ONE HOUSE. Not either of the ones next to it. 

None of the neighbors are sure what the dilly. It’s like that ONE house tried to get everyone to pay for their own sidewalks and it never caught on. Tangent. Back to the strollers.

Our double stroller history goes:
$7 resale shop special: Horrible wheel bent to shit, pulled hard to the right.
Ugly hand-me down: Old, rusty and didn’t like to go forward;
2nd hand-me-down: HEAVIER than a Sherman tank, corners very dicey;
The last one wasn't bad, $5 sister found at a garage sale. Side-by-side umbrella stroller dealie, but the middle bar is awkward, unless you're really tall.
I don't know any tall people well enough to push my children every day on a walk, so my feet always kick it and I'm not tall enough to maneuver around it.

We’ve taken the newest one out one time, got about 3 blocks away before we noticed ALL the wheels need air. Hopefully air will make it better to maneuver. 

- At this point I got interrupted and have NO idea where I was going to go from there. I mean, even my tangents are off on tangents. I'm pretty sure if I showed this to my doctor, she would immediately prescribe Ritalin. Now you know why I didn’t want to post it. 

Years from now when I look back, I want to know what I was thinking EVEN IF I didn’t finish my thought, and my thoughts scattered like roaches when the lights come on. 
Plus I might get a kick out of knowing how much the Morning After pill was.

If you made it through all of this, I’m sorry. Below is your reward. IF you like poetry it’s a reward, if not, I will try harder next time. All I can do.

This blog is full of years of poetry and photography. It was written by my recently deceased cousin, Carolyn (Ray) Baskall:

She lost her mother at a young age, and then her father, (my father’s brother,) apparently turned into an even bigger bastard. My father told me that their father was very mean, apparently my uncle inherited that. 

Hearing stories about her life – a life that could have easily been my life given how similar our fathers were – that got me thinking about every little thing affects our lives, especially how our parents affect our lives.

My father was a lot of things, but he was not abusive to his own family. Never physically. He said a lot of words. We all do. I’ll leave it at that. He brought a lot of laughter and corny jokes, and “DFILY” into our lives, which means Don’t Forget I Love You

These little letters are very important to me and to my family. We say this, write this, and tattoo this all over our lives. Literally. That’s important through the tough times of life.

I hope my children take things like this through their lives.  I will try my best to remind them.