Just Shutup You Dick: A Love Story

Great googeley moogeley I hate freaking Valentine’s Day. Always have. My reasons have changed over the years, but I still hate it with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns. 

I also? Hate people who bitch about it. How can people not be SICK of themselves?!

Single people, we get it you’re single, it’s a shitty day to be single if you put some importance on this ridiculous day, that isn’t any different than yesterday or tomorrow.
WE GET IT. Shutup.

Be glad you are not in a shitty relationship, being single kicks all forms of ass compared to that. If you’re that lonely, go to a bar and drink until your standards are lowered. Bring protection and cab fare. Never talk about it again. No need to thank me.

Being single is great, buy yourself flowers. Make yourself dinner. Do what YOU want to do. All day, every day. You don't need another person to be perfect. You HAVE what you need. Love yourself. Take no ones crap.

New relationship douches, we get it. You FINALLY found a sucker who can tolerate your crap, or doesn’t know about your craziness yet. You’re over the moon, THIS is THE ONE.
pic from fanpop.com
That is until you take the lid off your Psycho Box, or they screw up and do something you can’t stand. 

Something that is probably just a totally normal human thing to do, but your friends tell you it’s bullshit, or you saw on a stupid romantic comedy movie that whatever happened is a big fat HAIRY deal, so now it is to you too. But on THIS stupid day? You have someone, you're glowing. WE GET IT.

Also? Just shutup you dick.

Read "Single People" paragraph above, this will be you next year.

People in long term relationships: Either that other person is romantic or they are not. We get it. Either you can deal with it, or you can’t.

Who cares what they do on this ONE day? If you are really looking for romance, bring it yourself EVERY DAY and hope they follow suit. 

Don’t expect miracles, we are just people. Movies and songs aren’t real.

I have always hated any day that FORCES people to do anything they would never normally do. As an adult, I get it now, some people need to be forced to express love and gratitude to their loved ones, or else it just escapes them. If it makes you feel better to have your significant other bring your flowers on THIS day because society says they should, good for you.

We all love people who are easy to please. I guess that is a small price to pay, especially if they never do it any other time. Something is better than nothing.

Just don’t BITCH about whatever it is you receive. DO NOT.

“Great. Candy?! I already think I’m fat.”
“What, no candy? Why do you think I’m fat?”

SHUTUP. Punch yourself. 

We do NOT get it. You are perfect and lovable JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. If you don't think so, why the hell would anyone else? Don't bring your issues into this. 

 Also? Who cares if someone gives you something you think is “cliché” be grateful, you dick.

So, guys especially but not exclusively, if you opt NOT to be romantic or show your loved one how much you appreciate them throughout the year, then guess what? This is your “Get out of Singles Bars Free” card. ONE DAY. 

Instead of making an effort every day, or every week. Seems like a good deal.

Mario Batali, famous Italian chef, made a great analogy. “Valentine’s Day is to Romantic People, what New Year’s Eve is to Big Drinkers, a day for rookies.”

I will never give a rat's hairy backside if my husband comes home with nothing on this day. He shows me his love and appreciation every day with little FREE things.
ACTUAL note The Count wrote me over 8 years ago

He helps around the house, he is a hands-on father, he calls me every day at lunch, he brings me coffee exactly the way I like it without me asking. 

When he comes home from work, he takes the kids away with him in our room to change and KEEPS them in there for a good 10 minutes so I can have a quiet break before dinner. 

He never makes me feel bad about having ME time, or leaving the kids with him so I can go volunteer, or visit with friends, or run errands by myself on a day I really need to. 

I could go on and on, but you get it. It’s the LITTLE THINGS.

He started long ago, when we were dating, he taught me how to show someone you love them without words or money. He paid attention to what I like and what I don’t. He can literally order for me in a restaurant better than I can. He wrote me little notes, with cute little stick figures and funny quotes from movies and whatnot.

He stocked up on foods I liked at his bachelor pad, so that if my blood sugar got low and I started to get crabby, he could bring me a snack without making me feel bad because I acted like a bitch for no good reason. Most importantly: He only NICELY teases me about this

You’re shocked no doubt to find out I am a big bitch sometimes, whattayagonnado? HE knows what to do. He plays life like a chess game, and he WINS.

With a lot of little, tiny free things he turned a mean, selfish bitch into a kinder, gentler bitch. He made me fall in love with him. He still does.

He still makes me want to take care of him, clean up after him (now we need someone to clean up after ME.) He makes me okay with closing all the cabinet doors he leaves open once he takes something out, and stand up for him when his friend teased him about it, saying, “You lookin for something, Cole?” (Sixth Sense)

He makes me want to share myself and my life with him, good and bad. He made me write this damn, sickeningly sweet-ass page of SHIT I would never have normally done.
Another ACTUAL note I wrote to him years ago.

And WHY DID I? You may ask. Not just to brag and tell everyone else to SUCK IT, but because EVERYONE should do little things every day for the people they love. 

Not because it’s a certain day, not because you want them to do something back, (but if they do it’s a nice bonus,) not because I am telling you to, because you love them. The End.

One I wrote to him. Don't remember about what.
You chose to be with them. You’ve had ups and downs and shared a lot. This person is special. They deserve love and happiness and your FULL ATTENTION. 

We're all dicks sometimes, and we're all awesome sometimes. No matter which they are today, they deserve to have coffee brought to them once in awhile. 

They deserve breakfast in bed once in awhile. They deserve to sleep in sometimes. They deserve peace and quiet, while you take the kids to the park. 

They deserve a little love note tucked into a place they are sure to find it. 

And if they don’t deserve it? Maybe they will once you start doing these things. If not, put an egg in your shoe and beat it. I don’t know what else to tell you.
Found on CalebWilde.com


  1. Replies
    1. Kinda makes ya forgive them for making a mess powdering their balls, ey?! hahahaha

  2. Love the poetic side.....right on sister!

    1. Beautiful poetic prose has a way of choking us up.

  3. I am so with you. It's one freaking day. I was married to a jerk. The best VD day ever would not have changed that. I much prefer now, where I am seeing a guy who treats me well almost every day - even when I act like an asshole.

    I seriously hate the people who are married to total douche bags, and have been for 20 years or more. Yet they think they're going to get some sort of big payoff on VD day and then go into a decline when shockers, it doesn't happen.

    1. Agreed. Not to mention the PRESSURE on people, what are the chances everything in life is going to be romantically perfect? No matter HOW MUCH effing planning goes into it? Unless you have hired help, something is going to go wrong. DEAL bitches.

  4. FINALLY someone who can actually write about Vday without being so negative or over-the-top positive. I can relate with having a regularly helpful and involved husband - THAT is the best valentine.

    And. That Mario Batali quote is perfect.

    1. Totally. Romance to me doesn't = flowers or chocolate coated unicorn poop, it's the every day crap.
      I love Mario Batali, he always makes me smile that orange-croced bastard.

  5. Tell it Sista!!!~~ although I do make sure and tell the husband what kind of chocolate to bring only because if he gets it wrong....well.....I won't go into what happens if he gets it wrong! He usually gets one chance to fix his mistake....;) ;)

    1. Well that's just smart. I used to hint, and when the hints were ignored I full out sent an email saying "Here is a link to the massage place so you can buy certificates ONLINE at the very last minute." Because I know that he likes to wait until the last minute.