Reward? It Doesn’t Mean What You Think it Means

Do you play the Rewards Program lame game? Specifically diapers, but if you don't have kids, stay with me. Name brand diapers, like anything NAME BRAND, are only purchased by first-time moms and magical coupon witches who obviously HOMEBREW coupons in their cauldrons, coyly hinting about kick ass coupon web sites that any mortal has yet to actually FIND. Yes there are millions of coupon sites for things you never buy, and name brand products that are ridiculously overpriced and not cheaper (or better) than store brand, even with their insulting forty frickin cents off, and it costs more than that to print that shit out at home.  

Anyhowdy, Huggies and Pampers have this dealie where you spend too much on their diapers, and you get a reward code super-glued to the package. You enter this 95-digit alpha-numeric code into one of the worst-written programs of all time. You have to create an account with every possible different way to contact you, and then type all the digits into FOUR different windows, and with all the money they are making from the diaper mark-up, and selling lists of our names to marketing companies, do you think they could they take an extra FOUR SECONDS to write the program that lets your curser automatically advance to the next window, like nice, normal people would? Hay-ll no.

They are not gonna do it. They’re saying ‘Fuck You, diaper buyers, you obviously have NOTHING better to do in life,’ which clearly pisses off the programmers who wrote this program. The programmers in their cubicles with red Swingline stapers, looking at this job ticket from fucking Huggies, making sarcastic jokes in their baggy jeans sucking coffee out of Inatech mugs, pissed off they have to write a program for GODDAMN Huggies, even though they will never have kids. They can’t even get a bitch to CALL THEM BACK after they spent good money for dinner and wore their best Star Wars T-shirt. So now you WILL pay. You and all the other mini-van Mamas will have to hit the damn TAB button so many times in your charmed little lives it will ruin your $30 manicures and drive you to DRINK boxed wine until you’ll never fit in that cute little sundress again. Bitch.

So anyway, there you are keying in the long-ass launch code and (as of January, 2013 anyway) you get taken to a screen with a picture of a lady, who I think they want you to believe is a  Mom but she doesn’t look like she’s ever been pregnant, or in the same room with a child. 

Her hair is pretty and CURLED, with a CURLING IRON, she has full make-up, a pretty LIGHT BLUE blouse (like everyone wears around stain-makers) and tight size 2 jeans, sitting on a couch, with her PEDICURED, high-heel shoe-clad leg UP IN THE GODDAMN AIR, because THAT is how *SUPER* EXCITED she is! She is clutching her hands together almost praying, with a thought cloud, and what do you think is in her thought cloud? 
Based on her excitement, a cruise? 
A giant bag of money? 
Channing Tatum or whoever the Beefcake of the day is (what do I know, I have an older man thing) but are you ready for a journey backward through woman time? 
Mother-effing POTS and PANS are in her thought cloud. 

Way to have your finger on the pulse of ANYTHING that makes a modern woman tick, Huggies.

I swear to blog I did not doctor that picture in any way. If it weren’t so painful to create a user id, I would have included the URL so you can see for yourself, but it’s not worth the punch to your soul. Trust me, THIS PICTURE is the straw that broke my camel’s toe and prompted me to write this LONG rant about stupid reward points. 

I feel like I should be insulted. If I could just STOP laughing. You know a goddamn man was responsible for this. My mind immediately pictured a big, middle-age, middle bald, middle manager, in an ill-fitting suit on mustard yellow cheap carpeting, half looking at this saying “This looks great, Todd. Nice job.” And then he went to lunch in his Mercedes, telling his secretary as he walks by, not even looking at her, to order an anniversary gift for his wife……something “nice,” and then probably never went back to the office that day.

(I don’t know if any of these shenanigans even happen anymore in the corporate world, or if it’s just those 3 episodes of Mad Men I watched, but this is the scenario I pictured.)

Now I don’t want assume that anybody is not out there getting a lady boner over “free” pots and pans, if that’s your jam then hot DAYAM, you go gurl. PICK those new pots off of a diaper site, kick up your high heels on your couch (seriously try not to take out the babies eye, huh?) and have a par-tay. Pour yourself some buttery Chardonnay. After all that number crunching, this day is about YOU, Honey.

But I think you would have to have an ARMY of diapered children to earn a freaking pot. Scrolling through their rewards, after two kids in diapers, and having my generous in-law give me all of her codes, all I qualify for is magazines, TOYS for a THOUSAND points that would cost about $10 to just BUY, more lame magazines, (do they think people who buy diapers are RETARDED? I had a job and a brain before I had kids. You can’t even give a diaper-changing bitch a GOOD magazine?) Wait, is that a gift card? Nope, ten thousand digits for a “chance to win” Hahahahaha suck it, we know you assholes never do that drawing. On the site is written: “We know you’ve earned it! Now reward yourself!” REWARD yourself. Are you picturing that angry programmer?? This is angry Creative Writer. 

Hey that word, "reward?"

So if you’re like me, you just give up. Once the good coupons for Huggies are gone, you’re going to buy generic diapers like everyone else. And your little bank of “reward” points will sit there in cyberspace for years, until you try to potty train and are forced to buy Pull-Ups because you get sick of washing pee out of your van seats. And oh look? A reward code, I wonder if they ever got any GOOD rewards…..Spoiler alert, they did NOT. I have a few hundred points rotting in cyberspace, if you want them *forms a finger phone* call me, maybe.

But that picture of the lady on the couch, oh that shit is still priceless, am I right?


  1. That is a priceless picture! Although, I can't lie to you... I would be SO FUCKING GEEKED if I got some free pots and pans. Unless they're the cheap crappy ones you get at Wally-World. But some nice stainless steel ones with the really thick bottoms on them? oof! Can you say lady-boner?
    I will point out, however, that I get overly excited when I win anything. I was at Costco the other day and I walked by one of those display stands where the lady was talking about their brand of laundry soap. I was thinking to myself, "Jen, there's no way you're getting an entire bottle of detergent for free, and if there were a coupon for it, it's be in this booklet. Which it is not. Just don't make eye contact and she won't be able to steal your soul..."
    That broad gave me like 20 free samples! That's almost 20 loads of laundry FOR FREE! All I had to do was open a little package, squeeze out the soap, and then fight said package open to try to rinse it out. Every time I used one of them, I sang to it: "I didn't pay for you. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
    I never stop at the food stands though. The people that stalk those things freak me out. Not to mention that they're breathing/coughing/sneezing in the vicinity of whatever you're about to tell me to shove into my pie-hole. No thank you, I want to live!

    Whatever. Rewards codes are dumb. So are those damn cards you need for every freaking store in town. I hate them all with a passion. I think I have more of those on my key ring than actual keys!

    1. 'steal my soul' ha. That picture KILLS me. The "reward" program is far from winning, you're BUYING over-priced diapers to earn 10 points at at time. EVERY TIME you have to enter that huge code, and then you have to have THOUSANDS to get anything. So annoying.
      I pass on the cards unless you can use your phone number to use them. I refuse to carry them. I hardly even carry a purse, I just throw my wallet in the damn diaper bag. And usually I just shop at Aldi, the po people's grocery sto. No coupons or card required. Evar. You do have to rent carts and bag your own shit. Still worth it.

  2. It took me FIVE FUCKING YEARS (no joke...2 kids in diapers and pull ups) to get enough Huggies reward points to get a stupid lunch box reward. I like using shoppers cards but that's because I'm insane and like to clip coupons.

    I love this post, I hate that woman, and I love you. You totally hit the nail on the head AND included Inigo (yes I can be that informal with him, he's my fourth secret soul mate) in your post. That's an automatic win.

    1. hahahaha I hear you. I have a few hundred in one and like EIGHT HUNDRED on Huggies that will most likely just sit there forever. I don't want shiny girl mags or effing Parent mags w/info I already know, or advice I wouldn't possibly follow, mostly recycled old bullshit in between the millions of pages of ADs for shit I would never buy. Pass.
      P.S. I love your swearing ass, too! Your blog button is pretty amazing.

  3. I agree those Rewards programs on diapers are useless! The best generic diapers I have found thus far are Target diapers and Walgreens diapers. Never had any diaper rash problems and only have had blowouts/leaking when my kid would have with any other diaper anyway.

    1. We have TWO Target diaper butts over here. Cheapest overall if you buy the big box and figure the PER DIAPER cost, espesh w/the occasional Target coupon that they WILL take even if it's expired.
      I did get some great Huggies coupons over the years and if you combine that w/a sale I would sometimes get Huggies. But not enough to even qualify for a free pack of effing wipes. F U Huggies!

  4. HAHAHAAHA That is priceless. I have to say you had me at Indio...I am a sucker for him but you kept me at the pots and pans. Obviously the creator of the campaign was a man or a single woman just out of college who has no clue what life is about!

    1. It's my husband's favorite movie, and one of my faves too! I think you're right!

  5. Coupons make me twitchy!
    Thanks for hooking up to the Hump Da Hook Upy

    1. hahahaha my absolute pleasure. It is my FAVORITE hop right now! I love recycling :D

  6. Let's hear it for the Hump Day Hook Up!! I have been reading recently, (found you in the HV's group) but I didn't double back and catch this gem!

    This post is fucking GOLDEN--but mostly because i think you're a kickass writer. I myself, am a coupon-clipping, rewards hoarding bitch over here--mostly for 2 reasons.
    First, in all my 11+ mommying years, I have tried EVERY (and I mean EVERY) brand of disposables out there (because more than anything, I am CHEAP) and I just think Huggies is the diapering shiz-nit. I am a loyal, sticky-fingered, rewards-peeling member of the Cult of Snug and Dry. Nothing has come close in my #1 and #2 experiences.
    Second, I have gotten a few actual, for real, NICE toys from my rewards. Were they worth the $8000 in diapers it took to get them. Most assuredly not, but if they're goona give me SOMETHING for all the dinero I'm shelling out, I'll take it.

    Regardless, I so LOVE this!!

    1. I'm glad someone uses those codes! I have a couple hundred in my bank at Huggies, can I transfer them to you somehow??? You can totally have them!
      p.s. I love Humpday Hookup SO HARD!

  7. LOL!! Good thing I just went with the Costco brand diapers!

    1. I LOVE Target brand diapers! Some of the generic ones are leaky, Walgreens brand :( but Targets are pretty good. NO COUPONS or long-ass launch codes required.