Aaand the Oscar for Biggest Bag of Douche Goes To...

All of Hollywood. You’re welcome. Yes, we know, you are SO SHOCKED you won!

from adambaney.com
You were up against a lot of other REALLY BIG bags of hot air, and you’re SO "surprised" and taken aback you didn’t even write a speech.......
Yet you’re going to prattle on for the next TWENTY FUCKING MINUTES in a super dramatic fashion.

I don’t have anything against the Oscars really, I love movies. I’m a decade behind and I don’t ever like the movies most other people like anyway, but I am a HUGE fan of entertainment of all kinds. 

I just don’t find these ass-kissing festivals, and the DAY LONG events that come before and after, to be entertaining.

I don’t care what designer so and so picked, (though I WILL watch Joan Rivers rip them all apart on "Fashion Police." Because Joan Rivers is a legend.

I also don't care which multi-million dollar display of jewelry they are borrowing. BARF. Good for them, if it makes you happy it can't be that bad, good for anyone having fun with it, it's just not my thang.

I also really don't have the intestinal fortitude to make it through the speeches. Especially the dramatic ones, the feigned looks of surprise, the whole 
“Who me? Lil ol me?!” 
grasping their chest in mock surprise bullshit. Is anyone buying that?

Whenever I’m watching something and I start to feel like I want to punch myself in the face, I tend not to watch that anymore, (e.g. Lost and Family Guy.)

It was Sarah Jessica Parker, (why the long face,) who actually pushed me over the edge of not being able to watch these. 

She won some such award years ago, not an Oscar, whatever award they give to TeeVee puppets who make soap opera cable shows about sex.

Anyhoo, she won and holy-fucking-golden-balls, you would have thought she was working in a CORN FIELD her whole life, and some alien futuristic helicopter landed out of the blue and gave her a Nobel Peace Prize made of dinosaur fur. 

She carried on and ON, like literally fake gasping for air, 
and “OH MY GOD”ing, 
and that thing where they’re crying but not really crying, and waving her hand in the air (FOR REAL) and she did this through her whole SPEECH. 

I was like: 
"Holy shit, either this lady really can’t wrap her long head around winning this, oooorrr else she is a professional fucking ACTRESS. 
Who just won an ACTING AWARD. 
from Riverfronttimes.com
At first, for like five seconds I was thinking “How can anyone be THAT surprised? Don’t they know ahead of time that they’re NOMINATED? Don’t they announce that shit all over TV and radio months ahead of time?” 

Yes, yes they do. And we ALL KNOW IT. 

So, Sugarfoot, if WE knew you were nominated...meaning there was a chance you could win...guess who else knew? 

YOU and the TEAM of people that wrote your speech, picked your gown, saddle and bridle, and brushed that beautiful coat of fur until it shone like spun gold. Sshhh, here's a carrot. Good girl.

QUICK TANGENT: Seriously though, if you Google “Sarah Jessica Parker” the second thing that comes up is “Horse” and if you click IMAGES, oh my Seabiscuit, you will be viewing for a pretty long time. 

There is a whole web site dedicated to it. http://sarahjessicaparkerlookslikeahorse.com/

Too mean?

What? To critique a famous actress who makes a RI-DICK-ULOUS amount of money based largely on their looks? Meh. I don’t feel sorry for her or Robert Downey Junior, who I really like, but seriously, when he whined at Ricky Gervais for bringing up and JOKING about RDJ's ACTUAL past? At some other Actor-Ass-Kissing Festival, can't remember which one. Bitch, please. Aww poor little rich kids, in their giant mansions, getting paid millions to play dress up and portray fashion queens and comic book characters. 

Found on Tumblr heart-of-palladium
Wah. Try working under fluorescent lighting in generic cubicles for stupid REAL WORLD assholes, and have people mock you for a fraction of what you make.  

If you want to be famous and have everyone talk about you? Guess what, people will talk about you. We’re people, we’re not all nice.

Nothing against anyone who finds this shit entertaining, which is probably most of our country, I’m just a SciFi/Fantasty geek. When I want to escape and be entertained I want to be taken AWAY, to a galaxy far, far away with swords or dragons or aliens, and the more "action" (read: violence) the better. Usually by the time they get to those movies on the award shoes, and whatever random “Sound” or “Technical” awards they get, everyone is asleep. 

Also, if anything interesting should miraculously happen at the Oscars that should interest me? Chances are it will be on the news. It was also be all over social media for weeks.

Like that time someone won an award, and they gave it to Ving Raymes. That was awesome.

Or the time Kayne yelled at Taylor Swift or something because he thought Beyonce had a better video. VIDEO. (And didn't Beyonce COPY from another video btw?)

from codehesive.com
That was SUCH a DICK MOVE. But for my money? At least it was different, and Taylor's face reacting to that was GENUINE. 

I mean, the whole thing was probably a publicity stunt. I think he did that RIGHT before releasing an album, and then whattayaknow?! His name is ALL OVER the damn news.

But it was something different, and not a moment filled with absolute weapons-grade Bolgnium. (Prof. J. Farnsworth, Futurama.)

Color me: Uninterested. 

Here is a list of things I’d rather watch than any TV/movie awards show:
1.       The inside of my eyelids.
2.      Any blog written by almost anyone.
3.      Star Wars for the bazillionth time.
4.      Anything.
5.      Everything.

A-a-a-a-a-and, for waking me up 18 times in the past two hours, so I couldn’t sleep and got up to write this stupid, ranty bullshit, I’d like to present the AWARD 
for MOST ANNOYING PERSON SLEEPING to...........*drumroll please*.....:

My 1 yr old daughter. 
OMIGOD, she’s so stunned she just pooped in her pants.    

End scene. *that thing with the fingers*


  1. hahahahaha, OMG you nailed it! You pulled directly from my thought-stream and put it all out there! I wouldn't go so far as to say I hate celebrities, because I just don't care enough about them to go that far. And I want to just sign off of Facebook for the day every time one of them dies. Yes, a human being dying is sad - but for the love of pete - the people who go ON and ON about it as if they KNEW the person - makes me roll my eyes in a big way.

    1. Agreed. I like when celebrities are entertaining me, by following a SCRIPT written by a WRITER, that doesn't mean I care about a word coming out of their own mouths. I don't buy a product, or become vegetarian because some effing ACTOR told me to. And yes, mourn, remember the dead but they are not your family. Your life WILL go on.

  2. And let's not forget the bad knockoff awards. Because if you don't win the Oscar, worry not, poor under-appreciated actor/actress, you can still win a Golden Globe, an MTV Award, a Screenwriter's Guild Award, a Spike TV Video Game Award...

    1. Word. It's all marketing (and ass-kissing.) Just another chance to show off designer dresses, show America tons of commercials and have companies put together million-dollar swag bags, so EVERY news station can report on it. Boooooooring.

  3. I am LAUGHING OUT LOUD reading this shit!!!!! I do feel a bit sorry for SJP, though, I can't help it. My father says I'm a 'bleeding heart liberal,' I'm sure THAT'S my problem.

    BTW I did that little chain-mail survey thingy you sent me. It actually wasn't that painful!


    1. I know, for a long time I was all "How rude to make fun of someone for how they look, at least she didn't get a NOSE JOB like Baby from Dirty Dancing. RUINED THAT BITCH'S FACE!" but then I saw her carrying on and on and ON at whatever award show that was, and yeah, she had me then she lost me.

    2. For anyone else reading this, wondering WHY the mothereff we are fans of rat meat, all is explained here:

  4. Yup. All of it. Particularly loved "feel like I want to punch myself in the face." And preferring to watch the inside of your eyelids. I really could never figure out how SJP became so famous & became this symbol of beauty when she really does have a horse's face. It's just b/c she's super skinny which is a crazy reason to be propelled to stardom.
    It is a kiss-ass, fake, stupid fest & these people are stupid rich, have the life & are celebrated nearly daily. They need awards on top of it, too?

    Joan IS a legend.

    1. I always thought she was cute in her own 'Jennifer Gray before the nose job' way, years ago in "Square Pegs" and even in annoying way in "LA Story" but her over-acting job at the Globes, OY VEY. For whatever reason I just can't stand her now. I'm sure it's my weirdness, mayhaps I'm secretly jealous, she's rich AND she married Farris Bueller, right?

  5. I have to admit- one of my favorite things to do is people watch. And people watching during awards show is pretty predictable but sometimes there are shining moments (as you point out). I usually have them on during the background while I do other things.

    1. I love the people like Jennifer Lawrence, TRIPPING on the red carpet! They remind us that above it all, we're human. Kanye does that too, but in a much more annoying way!
      I really enjoy watching TWITTER during awards shows. So much funny!