Review of Movie “Ted”

I started to watch the movie “Ted,” I posted on Facebook it was because my teenage son had rented it and left it in the DVD player. But deep down I just wanted to see if Seth McFarlane could take his brand of comedy, add swearing, and literally anything he wanted with the *m*a*g*i*c* of MOVIES, and make something I would find funny. He is funny during roasts, and in interviews, he might actually make a funny movie. If you’re a fan, don’t worry, it is NOT you. I am one of five assholes in America who don’t find him funny. I almost find him funnier than Adam goddamn Sandler, (old SNL songs save him) but that’s a rant of another color. Yes, it is ME.

Movie. So this movie was a great idea, and had some great moments. Let me just say that. 
These memes were also funny for awhile
I sat through a good maybe 15 minutes of Ted before I got bored and started googling reviews. It’s what I do when I’m bored with a movie and let me tell you, if you are ever forced to watch something at gunpoint or with your children and you get bored, *cough, cough* anything with Will Ferrell *cough* just go to Rotten Tomatoes.com. Don't make your kids, or an armed gunman, angry for laughing at someone getting kicked in the 'nards, don't be a comedy snob. Just read the negative reviews of the movie quietly to yourself. You can just seek out the negative reviews, and I promise you laughs. I'm a problem solver, it's what I do. You're welcome.

None of the reviews made me lose my water, but I did find out that it’s not JUST me. TWO other people didn’t care for the movie. Most of the reviews confirmed that people for the most part, find this brand of stoner humor, heeee-larious. Like Family Guy.

It has its place in the world, don’t get me wrong. I LONG to laugh at the stupidity of it. Isn’t that why we watch TV? To turn our minds off and just be entertained? My problem is, I assume I am GOING to be entertained. But I don’t fry my brain on narcotics first, that is clearly my mistake. Isn’t doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results the definition of insanity? Guilty. No further witnesses.

I also gave Family Guy a try, but within 10 minutes of that show, I mentally check myself into the Overlook Hotel,
She also played Olive Oil
from Snakkle.com
with a million monkeys typing on a million typewriters: “I am Jack’s Complete Lack of Surprise” over and over and over until Olive Oil comes in and I need to find my good stabbing knife.

People have screamed, “It’s so great. Give it another chance” they said. “Maybe you were in a bad mood.” I’ve tried and tried. Believe me, offended by their pushing the edge of the envelope, I am NOT. That’s the ONLY part I like about it. 

A sarcastic baby, that’s funny. Then he tells the SAME jokes over and over. Quagmire? Who doesn’t love a pervert? These jokes SHOULD be better than when LARRY GODDAMN DALLAS did all this SAME SHIT in Three’s Company. They’re way more perverted and disgusting this time around. The first time I saw the show it WAS funny. I may have laughed out loud.
Did you forget this quote? Tsk tsk. Found this .gif on Tumblr "I am Jack's"

But then there they are again. And again, the SAME jokes. And OH, there it is again. Same joke. Hey I know this joke, it’s the SAME joke as last time. Hi same joke, how are you? How are the wife and kids? Same? Yeah I know. 

You think they might think of a new way to be sarcastic, same. NEW pervert humor? SAME. A new way to torture his mother….SAME. Sarcasm can be different, right? No SAME. But maybe----SAME. SAME. SAME. SAME. SAME. SAA-A-A-A-that-bastard-can-really-drag-out-a-mediocre-chuckle-A-A-A-A-AAAAAME.

If I went on like ^THAT^ for another half an hour? You MIGHT know how I feel watching Family Guy. I want to punch myself in the FACE *hard* every time I watch it. Then Seth McFarlane. Then myself again. Then him AGAIN and then slooooowly……almost gently…..methodically REPEAT this for at least TWENTY MINUTES so he gets how long, mundane and BOOORING his show IS TO ME! AAAHHHH!!!! STOP WATCHING IT, JOY! It NEVER gets better! Sorry. I’m sorry. I’ll get control back from Sam Kinnison.

Ok. Phew.

Anyway, back to Ted. Once I had finished checking my email, making some notes to myself, and reading literally ALL TEN PAGES of reviews on Ted on Rotten Tomatoes.com, I knew the self punching was about to kick in. I could NOT sit there, pretending to ignore it. ALL of my kids were either sleeping or otherwise detained, did I really want to spend this PRECIOUS time trying not to pull the muscles involved in eye rolling? I literally got UP, went into my basement and began wrestling my treadmill out of the laundry room, to put it back. We moved it for a family party, and it needed to go back.

To put it back, I needed to move several laundry baskets, throw rugs, take down a folding table and six folding chairs, move our basement dining table and chairs, basically rearrange the basement room and push, pull and at times SHOVE my old treadmill out of one room, down a looong narrow hallway, and through another narrow door, banging my hands 10 times along the way. 

(Tangent question: Shouldn’t MOVING a treadmill burn more calories? I mean, the swearing alone got my heart rate up.) 

Anyway, all that just to then work out. And THAT? Was sooo much better than watching that damn movie. Maybe the last half got better? I dunno. It’s not worth kicking my own ass to find out.

That concludes my review of this movie. It was an overall great experience for me and my home.

Thank you for the motivation to get up and be productive again after the holidays, Seth McFarlane, movie maker, motivator, life coach. Brah-<<sarcastic clapping>>-VO!

Seth McFarlane, you’re my hero. 
(Ferris Bueller reference. It needed just ONE more vague movie reference, don’t ya think? I thought so.)

I laughed more watching potty training videos with my toddler:
from "Potty Power" which I give TWO THUMBS UP for comedy


  1. I can't stand movies like that. I loath all slap stick comedy, my husband on the other hand usually can eat it up. Maybe it's a guy thing? If so it makes me glad to not have a penis and be a guy because if watching stuff like that is required to be a guy I am out!

    1. I loved it in "I Love Lucy" and "The Dick Van Dyke" show because those shows were also WELL-WRITTEN, and actually funny. I think it mostly IS a guy thing, The 3 Stooges case in point, but I know PLENTY of women who love Family Guy. Ugh.

  2. I've never seen it, but I am sure I would feel the same way. I don't find Family Guy funny, either. I don't think I'd survive tv without a laptop to entertain me, because the tv shows sure aren't doing it.

    1. AGREED! There are very few shows I can watch without my laptop, Game of Thrones being one of the few. My husband will say before we watch "Okay, put the laptop DOWN" so he doesn't have to explain what I missed or rewind! hahaha

  3. Ted was funny but also a little bit too much for me. I hate Family Guy too. Thanks for hooking up to the Hump Day Hook Up