Hobbit Movie Anti-Review

Saw the movie "The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey." No spoilers here, even though the book "The Hobbit" was written a hundred years ago and I was one of the last nerds to finally see this movie. 

Anyway, we missed it at IMAX to my husband's chagrin, but since I'm not a dude or a surround sound geek, that didn't bother me. The THREE HOUR running time didn't really bother me either. I AM a SciFi/Fantasy geek from way back. I don't have any idea how close to the book the movie was because I read it when I was like 13. I only remembered Gollum.

Adorable. He reminds me of my baby, she's kind of scary too. 

You don't really need a review on the movie, it's part of the Lord of the Rings, you either LOVE that shit or you don't. One advantage The Hobbit has over LOTR is that there are less characters to remember. 

If you don't like Fantasy, it's going to feel like a long-ass movie . If you do and you're some kind of professional movie critic, it's still a long-ass movie with long, dra-a-a-wn out (blurry action) scenes, and this 3-hour tour [sans Gilligan] doesn't even cover the whole story of the Hobbit. If you are one of those "the movie didn't EXACTLY match the book" douche purists, your head just might explode. 

I mean, The Hobbit was a very simple story especially compared to LOTR, I think Tolkien made up the story for his children, not intending to publish it, and they're dragging it out for THREE MOVIES. Because Hollywood. 

If you're a fantasy geek and just love the escape of it, you will soak in every drawn-out Middle Earth moment and amazing scenery, Real Movie Trailers calls this a 3-hour tourism commercial. I was totally sporting a geek boner, and couldn't even believe I sat for THREE HOURS without getting up to go to the bathroom. That might be a record for my bladder. I feel like I still don't even go three hours during the night without getting up to pee, and I haven't been pregnant for almost 2 years.

And if THAT lovely little poem to my bladder didn't make you have to pee, here is a scene from Rivendell:

from fanpop.com
Right? I don't have to pause here for a bathroom break, that's the great thing about reading, it's at your own discretion. You might be sitting on your own THROWN as it were right now for all we know. It's okay we can't see you.  

Anyway, this Fantasy dork was in middle heaven. The story and the whole movie are lighter than LOTR and yes, it's drawn out, but ANY movie I can see at night and stay AWAKE for the whole thing, should get some award just for that.

There is something magical about fantasy, losing yourself in the movie and the story. There are however a couple of things that might pull you back to reality for a minute to wonder about. Like the dwarves, they have no real home and are always on the move, yet they have really elaborate hairstyles and creative facial hair. WHERE do they style themselves? They must style each other, no mirrors and not a lot of water holes to look at themselves in, yet this is one:

from houseofgeekery.com
WHO has that kind of time?? Another thing that made me scratch my own head, some of the dwarves have BANGS, cut in a straight line. I can see the long hair, the braids, you're running around fighting freaking ORKS and whatnot, you don't want that hair in your face so you braid it, it's a practical hair choice. But....
But how do they cut THESE BANGS so STRAIGHT? With a sword?? I can barely cut mine this straight with modern SCISSORS. How did they do it? Sword barber?
That seems really fricking dangerous, to have a sword or even a dagger that close to your head. These guys clearly live on the edge. They're trekking through mountains, sleeping outside, braiding each other's head and beard hair, must be constantly too because it is NEVER messed up. 

When I braid my kid's hair, and it looks like a homeless person's dread locks in about AN HOUR. These guys fight mountain trolls, fall down from trees and whatnot, are outside swinging swords and *voila* perfect plait of braid. Maybe there is some magical quality to troll spit. Paul Mitchell should send some scouts out to Middle Earth.

While we're talking about it, this movie also sated my hunger for creative facial hair. I seriously love handlebar mustaches, and I'm pretty pissed that with all of the STUPID trends that go in and out, why can't these come back in style??? You see them here and there (mostly in New Orleans and Renaissance Fairs right now) but I want this shit MAINSTREAM! Not just in Movember. Spread the word! Please and thanks.

Another of my (perhaps unhealthy) obsessions is with adorable older men. Bing again:

I love this man, he was on Live! with Kelly & Michael, and he said when he was waiting to come on, they told him to 'feel free to Tweet that he was here,' so he opened the window and yelled "Tweet!" but nothing happened. 

In conclusion, 
movie-wise don't over-think it. Enjoy the magic, the fantastic facial hair and be happy. I certainly was.

For actual analysis, you can search [insert name of search engine of choice as a verb] and you'll find over a million reviews, and if you do look for the one by "A Tolkien nerd" it's good, and he has a great quote about this movie needing an editor like Gandalf needs pipe weed.


  1. I am a huge fan of all of the Tolkien books and have seen the LORT trilogy, however I am going to wait on this one.

    I have heard tell that not only is it that long but they are splitting the movie up.

    That annoys the hell out of me. They could do one 3 hour movie per LoTR books but have to 3..3 hour movies for one single book???!?!?!?!?!

    yeah...i don't think the movie crowd would like me in the theater.

    now onto the important issue

    those handle bar mustaches are epic!

  2. It is crazy how much they are stretching it out, there were some flashback-type moments, to tie it to the other 3 LOTR movies. Yet the time flew by, I was just enjoying Middle Earth. And YES the mustaches!

  3. You're right. Those dwarves have some fancy beards and bangs. Perhaps that is how they attract the lady dwarves, with their creative braiding. (I came from the Hump Day Hookup.)

  4. I'm on the opposite side of the angry fans. I LOVE that they're taking this story in a world I adore and extending it. I can tell you I wouldn't want to watch 1 movie about a single Hobbit adventure 3 times in a weekend, but 3 movies about the Hobbit and his adventures in a weekend? Hell YEAH.

    Also, can we talk about those dwarves, with their ridiculously awesome facial hair, having such DAMN sexy voices? That Misty Mountains song does things to me.

  5. HAHAHAHA! I had such a crush on Gandalf when I read the Hobbit as a kid. BTW, if you're a Sci-FI geekster, you must check out the FB page Geeks Make The Best Parents. They rock too. Fun read, thank you!

    1. OOOH I will! I love SciFi and Fantasy, thank you!!!

  6. This is the only Lord of the Rings I could watch I've tried many times but I just cant get into them. But i really loved the Hobbit... So much fun.
    Thanks for hooking up to the Hump Day Hook Up

    1. I know what you mean a little bit, I'm a pretty big dork for this stuff, and as a kid my sisters tried to get me to read all the LOTR books. I read The Hobbit in 2 days, but there were SO MANY characters in the 1st LOTR book, I never made it through. As an adult with a horribly broken short-term memory, I've learned to just grin and bear it through the things and characters I can't keep straight in my dome. I do love SciFi and Fantasy so much.

  7. Hi there! I'm FINALLY making it over from the Hump Day Hook Up. Yah. I know. And all I can say is, hahahahahahahahaha! And not in a cheesy, lame comment sort of way. The geek boner and two-sey. I haven't seen this one yet. I figure, I know how it ends. Sort of. That Tolkien guys was seriously messed up in the head, you know. Like scary smart. He invented his own language. Not kidding. But you probably already knew that. I'll be back for your take on Avatar 17. ;-)

    1. I hear you, there are just SO MANY great bloggers out there. I wish I got paid to read blogs, I would do that job like a boss...er, I mean like it were my job. Okay, I'll stop now.
      I actually did NOT know that! I couldn't make it through all the LOTR books, never joined a group or played a card game based on his work. Not YET anyway, my husband & I DO play Harry Potter cards and Game of Thrones card game. I can't wait to see another movie worth of a review! We rarely go to the theaters so by the time we've seen something, everyone's seen/read/heard about it until they're sick of it!