The 2nd Worst Garage Sale Of My LIFE

Last weekend was our neighborhood garage sale event. A local church hosts it, and a few houses on every block join in to get in on the foot traffic. As much as I love shopping at Goodwill and resale shops, I HATE garage sales. 

from twindraggonflydesigns.com
I hate them like dogs hate storms, like cats hate being reasonable, like Shakespeare hates happy endings, like Vee hates Red. 

You get the idea.

I hate the intimacy of it, invading someone’s territory, their home, and looking at their personal items of their life.

Right in front of them

They watch for your reaction, you can hear them thinking:
Do they like my crap? 
Are they going to buy my crap? 
Why? Why not?
I LOVED this thing, this insignificant thing that has so many memories, why would anyone not want to have this?

I also have a touch of PTSD from the garage sale I had to help my father with. That’s a long story, I started to write about it until the shaking overcame my ability to operate a keyboard. 

Mayhaps with enough time and the right medications I will be able to finish that story, but the moral of that story: 
It was a terrifying day and has left me scarred for life hating garage sales, and in mortal fear of certain garage sailers.

I previously didn't know these were a thing.
The Early Birds. 
They come BEFORE it even opens. Sometimes hours before your POSTED SIGN says you're going to open. They don't care, they need to look NOW.

The Negotiators. 
Working lamp for a dollar? Oh no, honey, I can do better than that. Just so I can brag about it later to people who don't give a shit. Nothing like The Priceline Negotiator, who is delightful.

Slay Daddy. from allwomenstalk.com
The Bullies. They don't follow rules, it's their world. They're the worst. They are why I hate garage sales so hard. Also people.

Okay, I can't think about that, let's just get right to the story.

Last weekend, the neighborhood sale. 

We usually take the kids in the stroller and will look over at least a few. We need a lot of things for the house, the kids will always need clothes, bikes, etc., that we would rather get used. I don't enjoy enduring these home-hosted flea and potentially bedbug markets, but I suffer quietly, as my dad taught me to do.

We happened upon a garage sale 2 blocks away, with items laid all up the driveway and in the garage. Then I noticed a 2nd smattering of items on the opposite end in the lawn. That initially didn't strike me as odd. I'm not a logistics person.

A double camping chair, WITH DRINK HOLDERS (as all good camping chairs should have) caught my husband’s eye, and I started chatting with the homeowner as he took it out of the box to see how hard it was to operate.

Meanwhile, she was really trying to push an old fashioned Pepsi cooler, which was very interesting but not a thing we can realistically have, or store. We don’t have room to store large non-essential items. 
This was the size and SHAPE, the picture above, but it had the old logo from the 60's or 70's I guess. I tried to find one and got lost in a Pepsi logo tangent. I can't believe how many different logos they've had.
from pepsiman.50megs.com
from famouslogos.us
FYI, below is the logo circa 1900.
from huntersproject.weebly.com
Fun fact: Caleb Bradham was a pharmacist that made up the Pepsi formula in his drug store. He later renamed his drink to Pepsi-Cola because of the pepsin and cola nuts. Five years later Pepsi-Cola received it's first logo.

Look, how 80's-tastic is this one? Radical.
from blog.signalnoise.com
Reminded me of Crystal Clear Pepsi, remember that? When that came out, Saturday Night Live did a "Crystal Clear Gravy" commercial that was hysterical.
from howtobeawesome.org
Okay, tangent Pepsi logo trip over. 

Bringing back in.

We do not have room for this cooler and frankly if I were going to spend any money on a giant cooler, it better look like R2D2. 
I want a PBR from R2's head
If I were crafty I might have painted the Pepsi one, but it may be a collector item, and as my sister often says: If your aunt had balls she’d be your uncle so why talk about IFs.

The point is, I REALLY did not want this giant-ass soda cooler, and for some reason I started to feel guilty about it. 

Something in her face and her sense of urgency was making me feel an inexplicable sadness. 

I explained that our house is not really a “party house,” we just knew we wanted a house in my son’s school district, and we had X budget and the only house we could afford in the area with 2 bathrooms is not exactly a house to have big parties in. We had hoped to move up North by now, closer to my husband's work.

She explained that’s why they bought the cooler, for parties. They used it ONE TIME when they first got it, but never had a party with it. Now she has to move to a ONE-BEDROOM APARTMENT, so she has to get rid of most of her things. That’s the way she said it, I have no issue w/living in something of that size.

Like the awkward idiot I am, I filled the following uncomfortable silence with that information. 

“I lived in a small apartment for almost a year, it was SO EASY to clean that whole place. Sometimes I really miss that. And no yardwork, no weeds!” 

She gave me a half-smile that said 'Thanks I guess,' and added that it's not her choice to move out, they're getting divorced. I started babbling something between an apology and "Shit Happens" when my my husband brought the camping chair over and said we would take it. She explained they NEVER used it, tags were still on it, they were supposed to go camping and never got the chance, and my husband wisely asked about another item. 

That other item, whatever it was, was also NEW in the package, they never did use it. My husband asked something from the other pile. She told us that the other side of the lawn was a whole separate sale. 

She used broad sweeping movements to show us how everything on this side was hers, and everything on that side should be paid separately to the girls on that side.

I started to put this together. His And Her Divorce Garage Sale.

I just stared at her. I tried to stop the train of Stupid that was chugging up my throat, but it had boarded, picked up steam from somewhere and it was too powerful to stop. 

Out they came.
"You're having a combined garage sale?"

She nodded: Yes. 

Again my mouth vomited words before my brain could do anything about it:
"You're a better woman than I."

She looked at me, wiped her face slowly with a wet napkin she took from her pocket and added:
"Not my idea."

I looked at her, commanding my body not to say anything. For once, please, just shut up for a beat.

She filled the silence this time thankfully, with:
"It's okay. I'm okay with it."

Now I couldn't even make myself talk. 

WTF, Brain? Where are all those stupid non-conversation words and lame jokes you're always spewing out all the time? Where are they now?

She added, sagely:
"What can you do?"

I stood there for about seven hours, speechless. Well, it felt like 7 hours anyway. 

I just could NOT stop imagining the horror that would be a garage sale with my ex-husband. Sweet baby Jesus in the manger, you could not force me to have that day. There is not any item, or any amount of money, that would make that day worth living. 

I would give up every material item I have ever possessed, and just walk away. As I did from my first marriage, with only a bag of clothing for me and for my son.

I couldn't even force myself to have that day of:
"Is this mine or yours?
Do you want this CD?"

I just left all of it. Nothing is worth that. NO-THING. Take it, take all the things.

I would rather be homeless and live in a dumpster behind a pet store. 

I would rather sleep in the middle of Lake Shore Drive during rush hour traffic. And other elaborate thoughts about what I would rather do than stand among a yardfull of my failed marriage's items and try to negotiate with people to buy them, filled my head and would not leave.

Can you even imagine?

Eventually I found some words, but had no idea what to say to this stranger. 

"What indeed," I lamely whispered.

I suck at these situations. I am about the least comforting person in the world. I am usually trying so hard not to say something awful, or make a terrible joke, that I lose all ability to talk like one person speaks to another person. 

I know that my oldest sister could have handled this with tact and compassion, she would have put an arm around her, and called her "Honey" and made her feel better. I swear to blog I tried to think of something, anything, to say that might make her feel better. For the life of me, I just drew a blank with words.

I tried to change the subject, but I think we've already established I'm an idiot, so I asked about a fancy, elaborate picnic basket with room for 2 wine bottles. 

Yes, this is what I chose to change the subject with. A romantic-looking picnic basket. 

To ask the hostess of a Divorce Garage Sale. 

Jesus, Joy, why don't you just ask if they have any condoms they're not going to be using now?

She mentioned they were given this basket as a gift, for picnics and she gave an involuntary *shrug* when she said 'picnics' and added, but didn't have to, that they never used it.

My children started fussing a few seconds later, blissful timing, and I tended to them dramatically until my husband eventually returned from the other (dark) side with whatever item he purchased from that side, a small rolling shelf and a small stuffed horse, which my 2 yr old proudly held up for the woman to see. 

"Oh, you have a horsie! Sorry I don't have toys on my side, I never did have children. They have toys on that side, he had children. And toys...." 
her voice just faded away, and I imagined she was thinking about her ovaries.... just another thing they never did use in this marriage, and my husband looked at me confusedly. 

He had not heard the whole 'his side/her side' explanation, and for some weird reason I panicked, saw a sled with a Bears logo and jumped up to grab it before my traitorous mouth could betray me again. 

"Oh look, a sled!" We have used sleds before. 

My teenager asked about sleds one time. Ever. But oh yeah, we need a sled, sure, we will DEFINITELY NEED this damn sled, that she obviously NEVER USED (tag was on it) so I need to pay her for this sled. Right now. And these 2 umbrellas, I mean when you see an umbrella for a dollar you buy the damn umbrella. 

I have a whole theory about umbrellas. To me they're like books, you don't own them, you just borrow them from the universe for awhile until you, or more likely your children, leave them somewhere for the next person. I have purchased probably 50 umbrellas from Goodwill, resale shops and garage sales. We now only have THE TWO I just bought at this Divorce Garage Sale. Until the next time my teenager has to walk to the bus or to work in the rain. Then, they'll be gone, on their way to another adventure with another family. Farewell.

And farewell to the renters of the house 2 blocks away, who are getting divorced. The soon-to-be-ex-wife will be moving into a 1-bedroom apartment, never having used any of the fun items she & her soon-to-be-ex-husband intended for their marriage.
Our hasty retreat. That's the Bears sled, which I will MAKE SURE we use at least once.
Maybe just maybe, said my husband on the walk home, if they HAD used any of these fun, romantic, non-essential items in their marriage.....they might still be married?
Who knows, thankfully I managed not to ask before we left.

We had a picnic later that same day at a park. 

No fancy basket, no wine, just snacks and us and kids and smiles and laughs.
and tangerine flowers

Lesson: Have the fun, do the things, go on the picnics. 

Forget about all the STUFF of life, and focus on the fun. The Love. The Laughs.

Because you might not have the chance. 

And for frick's sake, do NOT have a joint yard sale with someone you're ending a relationship with. Craig's list, e-Bay, phone a friend, sell some dru---I mean, I can tell you better ways to make a couple hundo. 
*fingerphone* Call me.


4 People Who Could Write Buzzfeed Headlines While In A Coma

I started this last week, but never finished it. That's how it's going lately. With everything. I've been tired, cranky, inexplicably hurty and not really funny. Yes, even more. Or less. Less is the new More.

Last week was a month long. It was swell and now that the swelling has gone down, mayhaps I can laugh about it. Early wake-ups, post vacation, teenager stress, bad news and weather formed a mediocre storm. 
There's no perfect stormTROOPER either
from veryfunnypics.eu

I don't believe in perfect storms, why set an unrealistic expectation for storms based on superficiality? This is what I'm getting at. I'm starting to make even less sense than usual, and my bar is pretty low.

Last week started out solid, I was well rested from vacation. Timing allowed me to blow through the entire Season 2 of Orange is the New Black in less than a week, which is a weird thing to brag about, but usually I have tons of shorties around and it takes me all week just to get through a couple 1/2 hour programs. So anyway, Season 2 was much more fun and I finally finished my post comparing it to Facts of Life. It's a long story, but if you only read ONE mashup of a prison show and Facts of Life today, make it this one, click HERE.

Between the Life and waking up at 4am, things started to take a Southern turn humor-wise. I needed to write a guest post, high pressure situation for me. It's one thing to suck balls full time on your own blog, but when someone asks me to bring the funny to their blog, especially when I'm sleep-deprived, I worry. I can usually get the ball rolling with some hashtag games on Twitter. 

Don't know what in the world wide web that is? That's when someone lays down a word challenge like:

#FoodAthletes - combine a food and an athlete.
I came up with: Ball Park Frank Thomas and some others.

Last week I saw #AddSausageToAMovieTitle and came up with some that seemed funny at the time. 

And added horrible pictures, that made me laugh even more.
Sleep-deprived Me?
Found this hilarious

This should have been a red flag. 
This cracked me UP
for whatever reason
I had to write a guest post, but what kind of post can you write in this frame of mind?  

Well, I see the Buzzfeed churning out "8 Reasons Condiments are Like Forest Animals" and other ridiculous bullspit every day, so I tried it. 

I wrote "6 Reasons My Kids Are Crappy Burglars" and it was okay. Click that title if you want to judge for yourself. 

Now at least I know if times were tough I could churn out shitty numbered lists for Buzzfeed to pay the rent. 

I know, I know, so could your Great Grandmother.

"4 People Who Could Write Buzzfeed Headlines Unconscious"
Your Great Uncle Don, post head injury
Your Slightly-Racist 100 yr old Grandfather
Your Cousin in Rehab on Anti-Psychotics, big hit actually
The Medical Cat Who Predicts the Next Person to Die, if you placed a keyboard on the ground so he can walk back and forth with his paws.
from 02varvara.wordpress.com
I think I sprained something brain-wise. I haven't had any real inspirations since then, and thankfully so because I haven't had time to put anything together and/or be a real part of the blogger communities. 

Speaking of that, this is part of my favorite community: The Ten Things of Thankful community. Click *HERE* to link up and tell us some things you're thankful for!

I saw that Harrison Ford broke an ankle on the set of Star Wars Episode VII, but thankfully he's only expected to be out 6-8 weeks. They have plenty to film during that time so they don't expect any delays.

This week was a little better than last week. Thankfully we got our new doors, though they took from 9am - almost 7pm to install. And of course the Universe scheduled us on a day when it was rainy and I had a ton of kids here, and Lola was not loving the loud noises of the power tools, and blah....
but I would've been disappointed if everything went smoothly, ya know? 

You wouldn't believe, unless you've done it, what all goes in to just replacing a door. It took us MONTHS to pick some, get them ordered, then there's the locks, hardware, etc., AND if you don't have someone do the installation, well I don't even KNOW what all went in to that, but it sounded painful as it took the guy all day.

They're here, they're installed and I don't need to hip-check them to close them! The front door also has a window and it's SOO MUCH more bright in here.
What a difference a door makes! And that little window.
There's a mirror on the opposite wall, so light is reflected.
We DO need to paint them, and who knows if that will ever happen...

I'm just thankful we don't have a funeral this weekend. We are helping a friend clean out his deceased father's house, and we have no baby sitters so we're trying to help clean, fix-up and haul stuff out WITH 2 toddlers so it's not exactly a jamboree at the end of the rainbow, but I'm trying to stay on the thankful side. Thankful we're healthy and able to help a friend.

Next week I'm thankful we are going on vacation, trying to focus on that. I have to get through two 4am wake-ups, then Thursday night we head to my sister's lake house, which is better than Disneyland because NO LINES.  
Love Disney but THESE CROWDS though!
from nytimes.com
I'm thankful my 2 yr old is better in the car this year than she was last year. She scream-cried almost the ENTIRE 3 hours in the car last year. My son's friend will probably never have children because of that. My son? Slept right through it because he's part bear, apparently, so he hibernates when he sleeps. 

We usually stay the week, but since the 4th is on a Thursday we're only staying for a long weekend this year, but it's better than nothing. The kids are so thrilled, they've asked about it every day.
"How many MORE wake-ups?!"  
Less than 7, kids, hang in there.
My sister says THIS is waiting for us. Because: MURICA!
It's heaven for my kids: Dogs, horses, barn cats, tractors, boats, cousins, my sister who dotes on them, their dreams come true for a few days! Plus, mom gets a little help, they love to play cards and games, and I get to see my husband more than 2 hours a day, so it's Heaven for me, too. Holla.
My siblings and me on the lake. I think we have wax lips, though I don't remember why. Other than: Weirdos.
We're doing a weird thing w/our hands, that's how my dads fingers were cut off. He was a Press Feeder.
And it doesn't hurt they have Showtime so we can get caught up on Shameless. Haven't seen it in a long time. Someone also suggested Penny Dreadful, not sure if we'll have time but it sounds nice and creepy.

Then when we come back the husband took some time off so we'll do Staycation stuff, mostly projects around the house we've been neglecting. They need to be done though.

That's worth more than 10. I had hoped to come back and add more funny, but I'm spent and about out of time.

I did find this awesome-looking recipe for Beer Popsicles! 


Hope everyone is having a wonderful summer so far! Happy 4th of July in case I don't post anything before then, which is entirely possible! 
Found on Pinterest
it didn't say WHY


Why Kids Make Crappy Burglars

How sneaky are your kids? Probably a lot, but how stealthy are they?
Not very? 
Mine too. 
This may be a good thing, but it's definitely a funny thing.

Find out why at my friend Sandy's "Say What You Need To Say Series, on Mother of Imperfection

Click **HERE** to read about my ungraceful un-catburglary offspring.



Orange Is The New Game of Thrones

Okay, it's not really the new Game of Thrones, not at all, but Season Two of the Netflix only series "Orange Is The New Blackis a whole different experience than Season One. No spoilers here. There are a couple tiny insignificant information about Season 1, nothing show-stopping. I also have not read the book, so please take my early thoughts with a grain of salt.

I also changed my mind about what I thought the show would be, so if anyone is hesitant here's why it was worth the ride for me.

When I started this months ago, I had finished Season One and I was going to basically say: 
"If you liked Oz, don't bother with this one, unless you really liked the old TV show 'Facts of Life,' because this is what that show's reunion show would look like." 

You know, if it happened in a minimum security prison

Before you read my Season One thoughts, I must admit I have Song of Ice and Fire Disease, in which everything I read and watch that doesn't have swordfights and dragons and beheadings is SUPER BORING in comparison. 

Mayhaps I'm also jaded by my family and my experiences visiting my brother in juvey. There were some very colorful characters in there. I felt like the writers of Season One probably should have visited actual prisons, and maybe read more than just the one book about prison, ala Piper, but the book this show is based on, was based on one person's experience.

Orange Is The New Facts Of Life

You take the good, you take the bad, you take em all and there you have: Orange is the New Black.

The character dynamics are very similar, and some of the OITNB actresses even visually resemble FoL. You have the spoiled rich girl, Blair, as Piper Chapman. She's the girl we love to hate. When I say "we" I mean ME. She has, IMHO, an inflated sense of justice, she's whiny, entitled, everything is about her, and any little inconvenience that happens upon her is the END OF THE WORLD as we know it. She takes, she uses people, she's still miserable.
Yep, they almost all wear prison makeup in OITNB, 
but it's quite a step above real life marker and Kool-Aid lipstick.

Alex is the tough, trouble-making butch but TV-pretty character, Joe. She comes from the wrong side of the tracks, her decisions are based more on survival than self service. The richgirl character pretends to hate her, but is jealous of her strength and independence. 

And just like Facts of Life, the less than subtle lesbianic vibe reads: The Blair character really wants the Joe character, even if she doesn't want to want to.
A dude or a curious girl. from s1.zetaboards.com
In FoL, Mrs. Garrett was the leader of the girls, advising them on their journey through womanhood. In OITNB, Red helps the women of Lichfield fictional prison along their journey, solves their problems. I would give examples but I promised no spoilers, dang. Both provided food and sustenance to their girls, symbolic of a mother figure.
Like any effective mother figure, if you don't follow the rules, there are consequences, anything from a smack upside the head to...again, no spoilers. 

Red is played by the amazing Kate Mulgrew, an actress that immediately exudes leadership to me ever since seeing her as Captain Janeway on Star Trek's Voyager series. Look at this slaymama in uniform: Full-on Nerd Boner Girl Crush.
Star Fleet captains were all Red HOT
from fanpop.com
What's that Edna, you didn't realize Red was a starship captain in a former life?
I know, girl, me too
from adamintrovert.com
The Natalie character. I know where your mind is immediately going...
from zetaboards.com
...and Boo is hilarious and comfortable in her skin like Natalie was, but we're better than that aren't we? Well it's not the 80's and now we have to pretend to be. Natalie was the first character that people of our generation saw really owning having a real-life (not an actress) type of body. She owned that shit and never took anyone's crap. She was always positive, and totally hilarious. 
from adamintrovert.com
She was the first of the all girls from Facts of Life to get her big V card punched. Lose her virginity. With her boyfriend Snake. I did not make that up. Somewhere there's an article on the very obvious names in Facts of Life, i.e. Blair sounds like hair, Geri for her cousin with CP, Nat....let's stop here. 

Fun Facts of Life: Mindy Cohen who played Natalie was the voice of Velma on Scooby Doo. Her character wasn't part of the original Facts of Life script, she reminded Charlotte Rae (Misses Garrett) of her real-life friend Natalie, so they wrote in her character.

Taystee like Natalie, is very comfortable in herself, and puts on a tough front, though she longs to be 'in' anywhere and be a part of something. She's also a constant knee-slapper. 
from giphy.com
She's into reading, eerrr defending good books anyway...
from dorkgeek.tumblr.com
...and correcting grammar, even in a life threatening note. Instead of cowering, she's laughing at the writing. That is something Nat would do, Nat was a writer.
See they meant "you're" apostrophe-R-E
from birdwings.tumblr.com
Geri was Blair's cousin on the show, she was a "very special" character. In fact on the show, every episode Geri was on was advertised as a "very special episode." Hey it was the 80's, we were trying, most of our TV shows taught a lesson, we just weren't as obsessed with Politically Correct verbiage. 
from therealcaptaindan.blogspot.com

Geri had cerebral palsy, and was the first actress/character we had seen on television to have a disability, and openly joke about it. When she first came on the scene, the FoL girls didn't know how to react to her, so she said "Don't worry, I'm not drunk, I have cerebral palsy. When I'm drunk I walk perfectly straight." Her character (like the real-life actress) was a comedian, Blair was jealous of her success.
from rebloggy.com

There is no OITNB character that is as strong, though there are several very special characters in OITNB, not the least of which is Crazy Eyes

She doesn't have Geri's positive world message or inner strength, and her back story explains why. 

That's her to the right. I dunno who gave her this name, but I've seen crazier eyes on my 2 year old. 

There is also the lovely whitetrash meth head, Pennsatucky. She has a real name, but who cares? Pennsatucky is perfect for her personality. She seems to be a victim of religious zeal, but there are many sad layers to her. Once you know just why she's in prison, you know...well you just know. She is a very strong special character, but she doesn't have Geri's intelligence. 

I'm an angel of God, I mean look at my dress. from tv.com
Tootie was a trouble maker on the show. This was a network show in the 80's so her brand of trouble was mostly rollerskating inside. 
ADORABLE, right? from jennytonic.com
Cute, funny, trouble maker, remind you of anyone?
from smallscreenscoop.com
Is Nicky everyone's favorite? Or just mine? She's the character that you immediately root for. Can't say much more, but she is hilarious.
SO MANY .gifs, so little time. from hopeforfaith.tumblr.com
This post, like both of these shows is largely vagina-based but they have some Y chromos thrown in. In the way of a handyman for FoL. I'm not good with names, but really who cares what his name was, look at that HAIR! We called that 'do a 7, for it's visual shape. To be clear, that's him on the LEFT, Jo is on the right.
Did they have a hockey team? I dunno, lemme MULLET over. from today.com
OITNB has that guy in charge of the electrical stuff. Hey, he fixes stuff and he tells corny jokes.
And I LOVE that he said "the blonde one and the HOT one"
from theinevitablepipex.tumblr.com
There are more characters, I'll do a Part Two after more people have seen Season 2. I could post these .gifs all day quite frankly.

I had mixed feelings going into OITNB. It took me awhile to get through Season One, I'm glad I stuck with it. I like shows with action (read: violence) especially about prison, war, etc., and even though HBO's Oz had it's typical gratuitous violence and nudity, usually not germane to the plot (as in "Game of Thrones") I couldn't help but compare it to this show, making it fall short in my opinion initially.


Season Two is so much better than the fluffy-ish feel of Season One. Let's face it, the shows craziest character calls the main character "Dandelion" and that tells you most of what you need to know. 
actual item for sale on Etsy

This character's name is literally Crazy Eyes, and the craziest thing she does? Is spew poetry to someone she's in love with, have a quick temper and a wayward bodily function.

Whoa, s0o0o crazy *eye roll* 

That happens in my house almost every week.

For the first at least half of Season One, I was ready to give up on it. It took me a long time to get through all of my hating Piper and then really hating Piper. Then they finally got to the part where they start telling the stories of the other characters: Why are they there, what makes them tick. This is what saved the show for me. Any book that has a story I'm not clicking with, I'll stick it out if there is good character development.

Piper's S1 character was hard for me to relate to, and her super annoying characteristics are hard to take. I mean, I've seen no less than 10,000,000 shows with a toilet out in the open in public cell. I get it, it's not ideal, but I can't believe anyone who didn't just drop from a spaceship would be surprised by this.

Her blaming everyone in the world except herself for being there, and adjusting to prison part goes on way too long, and is beyond irritating. It's like the show is geared toward scaring young children straight, except this show doesn't exactly have a G rating for young children. Even though Season One probably should.

This is a Crazy Eyes clip and it sums it all up, the craziest we see in Season 1. If you haven't watched all of Season 1, you may want to skip, but this isn't a plot spoiler.
This is a perfect example of Piper (left) using people to her advantage. She claims she doesn't want to lead Crazy Eyes on, yet she will use her to give Alex a hard time. This is how she got through her life, totally surprised when it comes back to bite her.

That was my summation of Season 1.

Now then. That said.

Season Two, though.

Whole 'Nuther Level. 

Either someone broke into my draft post about Season 1 and they let someone else write the scripts for Season 2, 
the writers went off all their meds. 

And they should stay off.

They seemed to have come to life, like that Robin Williams movie where they give the frozen patients that medicine that allows them to move and dance again.

All the missing action from Season One? Is right here and it barely eases into it. It's just
what the? 

The script writers must have watched Game of Thrones, because it reeks of George RR Martin's quill. Err keyboard. He writes the books in DOS, yes, but he uses a keyboard.

As much as I want to post pic, gifs and clips of the Season 2, I don't want to throw down any spoilers. I'll stop here and do a Part Two at a later date, but know that Season Two of OITNB is everything you want a prison show to be and a bag of pork rinds. It is a chick show, so don't force your BF to watch it, unless he's into girl-on-girl action, but S2 is better, so much more fun.

The shock of it's juxtaposition from Season 1's Book Club feel makes for quite the wild ride. If you started watching and stopped, keep pushing through. 

On a superficial non-story level, we get new characters, the conditions of the prison are a little more challenging. The food, the horrible facilities, the struggle of the people who are supposed to be in charge of the prison, etc. 

OITNB Fact: There is an article explaining the difference between the show and reality, and what is being done to raise awareness of some of the cruel and unusual conditions in the actual prison:

If you have watched all of Season 2, let's talk in more detail in the comments. Those Golden Girls!

**If you're not caught up, don't, as in do NOT read the comments, they may contain spoilers.**

So, in summary:

Comedy bonus. This is the audition tape of Uzo Aduba, aka "Crazy Eyes" and it's proves she could play every character on the show. This is HYSTERICAL, you'll love her even more. You can skip to 30 seconds in.

Are you watching? 
Having fun with Season 2?
Who is your favorite character?