"I Think I Hammered A Cop" A My Old Man Story

When something triggers my memory, I try to write it down. Or the stories will be gone forever, I fear. My memory is bad.

A blog post from one of my favorite bloggers about finally disposing of her dead dad's ashes, which she doesn't even know how she came to possess, triggered a memory. 

She wrote about her father playing craps and hitting someone with a hammer. Which of course triggered a fatherly memory buried in my dusty vault, about my dad's friend. 

I'm sure you can relate to that. 

Unless you don't actually have a family story about someone hitting another human being with a hammer. I don't know your life. 

Did you watch the TV show, Mash? 
Sorry M*A*S*H
If you watched, you know.

There's an episode where Hawkeye's richy-rich stuffy bunkmate, Charles Emerson Winchester III, tells Hawkeye with jealousy, that Winchester had a father, but Hawkeye has a dad. That always stayed with me. I didn't have a father, I had a dad. Most of the time I felt more like I had an old man. This is a "my old man" story.

I've written a little about my old man, but I did it right after he died, so it was all tributary and what a great guy. And for the most part, he was. He stuck around, paid bills, the works.

He was also ... a character. Let's say. 

Where your dad might have taught you how to catch a baseball, my dad taught me never to bet out of turn at the poker table. 

You never check the bet and then raise the bet. I literally cannot repeat what that makes you when you do that. 

Another Fun Fact:
You also play what you called, NOT what you have. It doesn't matter what you have, you called 3 of a kind. I separated these not for emphasis, but so you can remember. You should pin this to your Good Life Decisions pinterest board, it could save you a fist fight depending on who you play poker with.

You know, that kind of thing. Good advice. Look for my sequel to "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" called White Trash Dad.

So...this story takes place when I was 17 years old. I had just graduated high school. I was living with my parents, working part time and going to community college part time. I was paying for my own classes, books, etc. 

This of course did not make my father happy or proud in any way. He kept telling me I needed a 'direction' in my life, to get a life, to start a life, yadda yadda old man dad stuff.

He thought surely by age seven-teen I should be off on my own, married and shitting out kids like a Pez dispenser. I mean, that's the dream, right? Why didn't I want that? I wasn't about to swing that way, and don't call me Surely.

He would have been very happy if I lived in a trailer with tons of kids, or some shotgun shack built out of sod, or in the military off at war, or whatever just as long as it wasn't under his roof. 

Since I was clearly a total deadbeat to him, my old man took upon himself to 'help me out.' And by out, I mean out of his house. That is literally all he ever wanted for me and my younger brother. And really, all I ever wanted myself. We had no idea what his motives really were, or just how quickly and urgently he wanted us out. This is not the time to get into all of that. One day. Not today.

Anyway he had this awful drinking buddy, Dwayne. My stomach clenches just thinking about him. I think maybe they met in one of my father's more legal attempts at making money, selling meat door to door. Or maybe they just did that together, coming up with scams like,
"I'm going to get fired if I don't make a sale today." My old man pulled that one on my sister, at the time a young mother struggling to pay her own bills. It worked. 

Anyway, Dwayne made my dirty joke telling, whiskey bottle hiding father look like a fairytale prince. He explained to me that Dwayne's girlfriend worked for a 'computer company,' said with the tone of someone who is talking about a Ponzy scheme. My dad wasn't a fan of non-traditional jobs. If you couldn't buy a mug for it? It wasn't necessary.

To my old man, these are real professions:
Fire Fighter

and for women,

To him, THOSE are jobs. Anything involving a computer, or technical jobs that came about after say 1970, that he didn't understand was just a waste of time to my old man. You would have better luck talking to him about tricking people into meat sales, than software engineering. Take from me, one of the first girls who went to school for such nonsense.

This company he wanted me to work for had a full-time opening with benefits, so that was good enough to get me out of his house. My old man told me to go to this company, Dwayne's girlfriend arranged an interview. They were looking for a receptionist, and they wanted someone 'pretty' so I needed to look nice. I know, I can't even. 

The day my father got the idea that I should work for this company Dwayne was at our house. Somehow it came up that shouldn't Dwayne be in court that day. Someone (not me) had the nerve to ask him,
"What did you do?"

"What do you mean, what did I do?" He replied lawyerly.

"To have to go to court, what did you do?"

"I think I hammered a cop." Was his response.

"You think?" I'm sure we all replied. At least mentally.

"Well, I don't remember but that's what they said."

The Prosecution rests.

I don't remember what happened court-wise, whether he got 100 years probation or still has a warrant for his arrest to this day. I just remember the hammered a cop part. That's the kind of thing that stays with a kid. I asked my brother, who had the misfortune of living with my father, and for bouts of time Dwayne the infamous walking whiskey bag, but he doesn't remember that particular court case. There were a LOT. 

This is a man who got run over walking drunk on the highway and lived to mumble about it. Dwayne was addicted to pain pills among other things, so he probably didn't feel a thing. 

Point is, Dude had adventures. Like the alky Forest Gump. You read all these articles about vegetables, vitamins, drinking water and whatnot, and then here is this guy. Basically a human booze-soaked ashtray and on and on he lives.

I do remember one thing that happened after this, but my husband says this post is already way too long and should be split into 3 pieces. Sooooo.....


For quick reference, here is the next part of this story:

Here's the post that triggered this memory if you like. I highly recommend it. She's much more funny than I am. Real talk.


Something Old, Something New, Something Muddy, Maybe YOU

Cough *, cough *  it's dusty in here.

Not that the Fatness Post from November  was not Superexciting, but it's high time we have a new post, ey?

I've been really busy and I know we're ALL busy so I'll spare you the boring details, but whenever I feel more busy than I'm happy about, it's time for a timeout and some THANKFULs.

10 Things Thankful is a blog hop sort of, and an ancient and  practice  (?) I may have made ​​that up  of ACTIVELY being grateful for the good things in your life. Including and for me Especially when things get tough.  

Being thankful for the things you have is not some gift that is magically deliciously * bestowed upon some people, they have to actually work at it.
(* I know deliciously makes no sense in this sentence, but as a victim of children's marketing of leprechaun marshmallow cereal I can no longer type or say 'magically' without the word 'delicious.' I worked in Marketing so instead of being mad, I'm kind of in awe actually.)

Without further ado because let's a-don't, here are things I'm thankful for:
1. The ​​Gravity Challenge.  The  I have been a part of this since summer of 2015. It's a lovely group of people, overseen by vBulletin® the ever 's by patient over-seer, WHO COMPLETE is my 2nd thankful.

2. Clark of the Wakefield Doctrine, making sure we check in first with ourselves and then with each other daily to report how gravity is affecting us. Putting our information together, Encouraging us when we need it, Supporting us through victorious moments, all for less than minimum wage. A lot less.

3. Wii Fit by Nintendo.
I do not have a scale because years ago my now husband and I were drunk fighting and I threw it. 
(True story, obvy who would make that up?) 
Luckily our local neighborhood gaming system has a torture device disguised as a game, that allows you to do a variety of exercises with some guidance. It has yoga, with a board to stand on that tells you if you're doing it wrong (I usually am.) 
Practicing yoga helps me in many ways. It also weighs you and keeps track of your weight, with judgement at no extra charge.

Also, it's a little creepy. At no extra charge.
Uhhh ooookkkkaaayyy. I gotta go, do .... a .... thing kthanksbye.
4. Spring
I lowkey hate Spring and it's bipolar mostly COLD weather and it's smug attitude and all it's mud and allergies and Spring cleaning, but it's one of those things you have to live through not to die of cold and Vitamin D deficiency in the Midwest.

5. Spring Break
No crazy schedules, just the ones I choose to make to do the things I want to do and to see the people I do not normally have time in my day to see. 

6. My car
I have a super cliche minivan and it's haunted. Sometimes, for reasons that escape it's dealers and every mechanic I've ever taken it to, the battery drains and we get stuck in random places. 
Yes, we've tried that. Whatever you're thinking, we've tried it, replaced it, got a better "super-power" one. Does not matter. Anyway, other than that it's a great car and it's been weeks since we've been stranded anywhere. So there's that.

7. This weird year
It's been strange, tough, painful, monetarily and physically, and different than our normal routine. However, parts have been wonderful. I hope to find more work from home or things are going to get really uh, interesting let's say, but it's allowed me to spend a lot of time with just my kids and that has been a priceless blessing. I also haven't had a headache in weeks, thanks be to whatever ghost moved out of my head, b/c we never knew why I even got them so I don't know why they're gone.
from wanna-joke.com
8. Aldi
I know people hate it and complain about it all the time, it's the opposite of typical American grocery stores. It does not kiss your butt and do everything for you, it's like the My Mom of grocery stores,
"Get it yourself. Your arms ain't broken."
Without it's low prices we would be in much worse debt. I can bag my own groceries and move an empty box or 3, thanks for the low prices, man.

9. This blog
I do not know how much longer I'll even have it. I never have time to write any more, but it's nice to know there is a community of smart, funny people when I can make the time. 
Raising small kids in today's world can be lonely, it's so nice to find like-minded people, even in the Computal World. Also need to the I figure out Post why it keeps changing my text AS the I'M TYPING sometimes. STOP doing That, Books Blogger Reader Even . BUT the I have it and the blog Itself is
free, and a reminder of the adult by mind the I of used to have.

10. This hop I , and Especially it's Creator.
See above.


Lifetime Fatness: A Guide To The Holidays

I was going to put together some easy things I did to lose 15 pounds since summer, but really, weight loss tips? Does that even sound like me? 

I feel like that's the equivolent of Donald Trump's Guide to Etiquette. 
Ben Carson's Thoughts on Reality.
Ways Republicans Accept Women As Humans.

Okay, you get it. Let's just say it's not consistent with my comfy brand or whatever.

Instead, I would like to share my tips for getting through the holidays without murdering those oh-so-helpful people who love to "look out for us" and are "concerned for our health," when commenting about our food and beverage intake. 

Also known as making us feel like horrible fat fatties, and then mentally high-fiving each other behind out backs that at least they're doing something to help us. Barf.

Thanks so much Judy, now go on your smoke break, or play your 15th game of Candy Crush at your desk, or yell at your kids on your phone, or have a 3rd glass of wine, or a Xanax, or whatever your vice is, and just keep your judgement to yourself. We all have something and I'm so sorry my current something is unsightly for you to look at. 
So when I'm in that situation and someone says something super awesome to me like,
"A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips!"
I'll usually either,
a.) Dust off my TED Talk about how women no longer have to weigh our self worth by our looks alone, or 
b.) a nice little explanation of how I don't look at food as just a caloric number, balanced against steps taken or whatever else Fit Bit measures, or 
c.) Ever consider, "Do I 'deserve' to eat right now?" 

Another lovely, caring thing people have said to me,
"Go ahead and enjoy that, you deserve it."
Thanks. Thanks so much for confirming that I actually deserve to eat food to fuel my body. I was wondering the whole time I earned the money for this food, shopped for it and prepared it if I was worthy of it, so thanks for the support, Janice. I was going to poll the whole office, but since you said it, I feel like I can go ahead and proceed now.

But then sometimes, like around the holidays when everyone is already tense and crabby, I don't feel like getting into all of that. Sometimes it's easier to Elsafy and Let It Go.

I just smile and nod and pretend to be grateful. 
"Yeah, I'm working on it."
"I'm totally going to start my diet after New Year's"

You couldn't give me a FREE membership during January when everyone and their Aunt Sally is cramming into the gym and pretending like they're still going to be there in a couple of months. I'll take a hard pass.

So while it's true we don't owe anyone health or fitness, or a pretty outer package or actually anything, 

from boldorama.com
in my 4 decades of Not Giving a Dang, I've come up with some handy ways to keep the judgey people satisfied. 

Or at least quiet, thinking you're doing your part to keep their America beautiful.

I'm going to do a Numbered List, even though I feel like this is dumbing down America almost as much as reality TV. However, for purposes of pinning this to Pinterest and referring to it later, here we go.

1. Carry around a piece of fruit.
Or leave it on your desk. Even if you don't eat fruit, just leave it there as a pre-emptive 'Shut it.' If someone asks, tell them it's there for a healthy snack
Tell them how people are always bringing cake, cookies and whatnot during the holidays. (Still totally eat those cookies and cakes and whatnot, the fruit is just for show.) Or also eat the fruit, fiber is awesome. Whatever man, it's your journey.

2. Get a water bottle for your desk.
Same with the fruit. Drinking water is an easy way to flush out toxins (sorry I used that word) and make you look like you care about your health. 
It seriously doesn't even matter if you ever drink that water, it will make Janice in Accounting make you think you care about your health. Maybe she'll stop sending you those stupid articles. 

3.  Half an hour before lunch, change to gym shoes.
If anyone asks, tell them you're going for a walk at lunch. Whatever you're doing, I'm sure you'll have to walk somewhere to get there. Plus gym shoes are 1000 times more comfortable than whatever you're rocking to work. 
Besides, walking to my car to drive through Taco Bell and then walking through the mall to pay the minimum due on my Torrid bill? IS WALKING. Back up off me.

4. Dodge the elevator, take the stairs.
If you work on the 20th floor, no worries. Take the stairs to the 17th floor, then go grab the elevator there. If you happen to get caught by someone in your office, no worries. Just tell them you're building your way up to taking the stairs all the way down. Say the words "Baby steps." Only those words, and in your head you can fill in the part about how all you want to take is baby steps.
The stairs are a glorious place, by the way. Usually the kind of people who take the stairs don't want to make small talk, or even eye contact. They have crap to do, secret calls to make, or they're on their way down or up to the roof to smoke and don't give a crap about you. It's kind of cool actually. Way better than the crappy elevator people. Try it.

5. Before the Holiday Party, have a small meal.
I don't know how your company party is, but most of the companies I've worked for went from holiday dinner to holiday late lunch after half a day of work. Because it's cheaper, but whatever. Point is, it often happens either so long after lunch or such a LATE lunch that when you show up you're starving. Add a holiday cocktail and if you're like me, you're ready to strong-arm those nerds in Accounting out of your way to get a bite of cheese and crackers.
Smart money says, eat something at work. At your desk or in the lunchroom. Tell anyone giving you side eye (I can see you, Karen) that you want to minimize high-calorie foods at the party, so you're having a healthy snack first, based on article Janice in Accounting sent you.
Meanwhile, having food before Happy Hour just lays down a nice base so you're not the First One Drunk and you're not fighting people off for those few crappetizers they sprang for and your stomach isn't growling by the time the soup is served. 

I have more but my time is up. Take it from me, you can have a full, happy life without a $100/month Lifetime Fitness membership. You can wear stretchy pants and only catch minimum shade from those basic beyotches that actually eat kale and are pissed at you because of it. 
Kale is a practical joke, and a funny one. But munch away!


Lego My Wallet, Legos

I admit my posts have been boring, so now seems like a good time for a rant.
Okay, see ya.
Maybe the next one will have rainbows.

Adding to the never-ending long list of Things I Just Don't Get is: 
Lego sets.
Specifically, the price.
Let me walk you through how I came to lose yet more faith in Humanity.

I saw on the news that Lego can't keep up with overseas orders, so I took to eBay to see what Legos are selling for. 
It's been awhile since I've priced Legos new, the last time I was going to get a Star Wars set for my husband but I didn't pass the credit check.
If you think Legos are stupid expensive NEW, you should check out how much sets have sold on eBay. 

Or not. 
It made me a little angry actually. 

I usually don't deny anyone a hobby, collections, guilty pleasures if they can afford them, or even just complete indulgences. Something about this made me very sad. Probably just because most of the toys my kids have belonged to at least one other kid. I don't know. Whatever it is, it's MY problem, but you should see some of the things I found.

There are SO MANY over $5,000. Many for $10,000 

I don't get it. Am I missing something?
When you actually invest the time to put a set together, does it morph to life and become an actual COOL toy? 

Do they become cyborgs that will do your bidding?

Or do people on my same planet actually just have enough money to spend OVER ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS on a puzzle shaped like a train?

Maybe some kids just really love them. My son tuned out completely right about the time he advanced to cool things like pirate ships and Death Stars. He couldn't sit still that long. He also didn't love Star Wars or Harry Potter, so I feel your pain sports fan dads whose kids hate sports. I FEEL YOU, MAN.

If he would have, maybe it would be worth spending half a year's worth of college, who knows? All we ever made were various stairs and rectangle buildings at about Kindergarten level. And Boxball only cost us a cardboard box. So we played that.

I guess I really just want to know about the buyers
What do they do for a living?
Are they hiring??

Wait, are there Game of Thrones sets?

I would also like to acknowledge that at no time did I revert to the tired jokes about stepping on Legos. You're welcome.

That's all I've got time for today, we're crashing a visit at my daughter's preschool from the town firefighters. 

The headaches are all but gone, just a little pressure and dizziness now and then. And I couldn't even drink so the irony is unreal. I can drink now, I can handle the pressure with mostly peppermint oil, so my liver is clear for booze. I love a happy ending.


The $62,000.00+ Headache

I hate this title because it implies my headache is over, giving it a total dollar amount. I still have head pressure, that amount is JUST from the 4 days I spent in the hospital. 

Over $62,000.00

For a headache.

Yes, we do have insurance so that is not our amount, thank all the gods old and new, but how crazy is that. FOUR DAYS. No, I did not sleep on beds made of bald eagle feathers or eat lobster or caviar, or anything else that wasn't straight up hospital food. 

Which when your fighting nausea, "food" means pretty much just hot water run through various gross things. Mostly old coffee, or what was probably coffee beans at some point, who knows how long ago, and BROTH. Which is you guessed it, also dirty hot dog water run through what tasted like million year old bullion cubes and possibly old sweat socks. 

Don't get me wrong, I mostly slept for 4 days and people brought me food and I didn't have to do a dang thing except try to get comfortable, find something on regular TV and sit through commercials (UGH!) because they don't have DVR in the hospital, despite their insane Comcast-like pricing. You would think Comcast would be ALL UP in the evil hospital system, wouldn't you? 

It's a natural partnership.

Take it from someone who has waited for both an insane amount of time. One on hold on the phone, and the other for what felt like HOURS to come turn off the alarm just so I can go to the bathroom.

What I didn't get into in my last post about my month-long headache, was the fact that after the Spinal Tap they considered me a Fall Risk. Which is ironically always true, but in this case the only RISK from me standing up was me getting sick. I never even came close to falling. However, to protect themselves from potential law suits, whenever anyone is the slightest bit dizzy they put you in this "Fall Risk" lock-down situation. It's a nightmare.

You have to call a nurse BEFORE you can get up to go to the bathroom. If, sorry WHEN, the nurses are busy and take forever, if you happen to take matters into your own hands and stand up? A HUGE, LOUD ALARM SOUNDS. Right by your migraine-addled head. Awesome.

I don't know if you've been in a hospital lately, but you see a doctor for a total of 15 seconds a day, and nurses seem to only come into your room when they know you're asleep to put a needle in your arm and then immediately disappear again. 
When I explained how painful the whole situation is to someone being rehydrated by IV and told to drink large amounts of caffeine to ease the migraine, this was their solution:
The nurses gave me their mobile numbers. 

This way, instead of just pushing an easy little button on my bed's remote control, I could now have to turn on a light, look and see who was my nurse at this hour, look up their number, get the phone and CALL THEM just to have them tell me, 
"Um, I'll be there as soon as I can."

Instead of just pushing the dang button right by my head.
That's so much better since sitting up makes me sick.

Other than that, and them not noticing my IV got all jenky in the MRI and formed that painful golf ball of liquid, the nurses were great. I'm not even going to talk about the Bedpan Incident. TOO SOON.

Whatever nurses make, it is not enough.

Anyway, I wish I could wrap this up like an episode of House with a sarcastic line and an amazing diagnosis but I'm no Hugh Laurie (is that House's name?) and this isn't TV, so I'm sure this will end like pretty much ALL of my medical mysteries: Unanswered.
And with tons of crazy prescriptions because: America.

One such beauty is Nasal Spray, which is one of the most disgusting ways you can start your day. Unless you make the mistake of saying that out loud around my husband, who will then proceed to talk about things that are in fact more disgusting. The only one I can mention is,
"It's better than swallowing OTHER PEOPLE's boogers."

We have no idea what's going on, or what caused it at this point. My doctor seems to think the migraine was triggered by a combination of whatever viral infection my kids brought home from school like the class pet to infect us all, sinus pressure from that and allergies, and stress hormones which my body is currently not handling well. 

I'm trying to get back into yoga, and walk for exercise. That is supposed to be effective treatment for stress hormones and all that jazz: Exercise. Just what you feel like doing when you've had a headache for a MONTH, but the only other thing she suggested were some medicines and seeing a neurologist.

We have HMO so the soonest they can see me is October 13, one MONTH from when I called them. Awesome. Thanks, United Health Care. I'm just glad I have not had a migraine this whole time. Just a headache. 

That is also getting better. I don't reach for pain meds the second I wake up anymore. I've been waiting until the pressure gets really bad, currently around 10:00a.m. which is an entire DOSE of medicine later than last week. Hopefully my poor liver is still alive to hear this news. I've been at the MAXIMUM number of both Tylenol and Motrin every single day for 3 weeks, so I can't even drink. 

At least things are going in the right direction. I'm sure everything will be golden now that we've had our magical eclipse of the Super Blood Moon last night. Right? I don't even know if it happened because I live in the Midwest where it's always cloudy. And Branchy. 

Have you seen that commercial about satellite? 
If not, here it is and it's actually pretty funny:

That's all I have time for, as I'm now weeks behind in every single thing in life: Work, laundry, you name it.

Happy New Moon on Monday all.


The Latest Thing That's Trying To Kill Me

Want to feel better about your life?
I assume that's why you're here so I'll get right down to it.

I've had a migraine for ELEVEN DAYS now.
Today is Day Eleven of some crazy thing that at this point is trying to either teach me a lesson, or maybe just kill me. And right now, either way, let's just GET ON WITH IT already.
I wish he would just SHOW HIMSELF already.
I've forgotten what it's like not to have a headache. It's been that long. 

I woke up last week Thursday with a regular old headache that comes along with having a family, and by Friday noon-time I was ready for the ER.

My sister drove me there thankfully, I can't imagine an ambulance ride with 2 small kids and I really don't want to think about how that would work. At the ER they did some tests, CAT scan and a Spinal Tap, which it turns out is a real thing and not just a parody rock group that goes to Eleven. Though it did send my migraine to an Eleven, and beyond.

Apparently when they take fluid from your spine, fluid that acts as a cushion for your brain, there is a risk that you could cause yourself phenomenal pain and lose the ability to be upright for a number of days, maybe even weeks. This risk was downplayed by the ER doc for reasons unknown. 

The actual risk(s) of this and everything are still unclear to me thanks to so much information being available in our phones, that it has become an insurmountable task to even know which information is even close to what you might call truth.

I spent four days in the hospital with various people and things trying to kill me, including a compromised IV that formed a golf ball of IV fluid (and pain) to form in my arm and is still there. It's now down to a painful little grape-sized ball that no, you cannot touch and see how hard it is because it HURTS when you touch it. 

Got that nurses? When something hurts, DO NOT PRESS ON IT AND WATCH MY FACE FOR A REACTION. I realize you have to take your entertainment where you can get it in life, but pushing on that which hurts is exactly why karma delivered me to you hurling stomach bile for days right in your face. 

I have to give nurses credit for that. I don't know how a person steels themselves against other people's bodily fluids, but every nurse I threw up on did not even flinch. They stood there, ON PURPOSE, holding those ridiculous little plastic boxes that look way to small to be for vomit, yet there they are in 2015. 

When my own children, that came out of my body, get sick anywhere near me, I still have to shut my eyes tight and go to my happy place. But these angels just stood there, looked right at me, moved my hair out of the way and asked if I needed anything. That's some superhero sh|t right there. Arm grape ball of pain forgiven, all things considered I suppose.

So enough about bodily fluids. That part of my nightmare is getting better. Since then I've been able to spend a little longer and longer each day upright. If I force myself to stay upright longer than my brain can handle, I feel like I will vomit. So I've stopped fighting it and when the pressure gets bad I will lay down. I don't know what else to do frankly.

I did see my doctor, who thinks the original trigger was a combination of a viral infection (though she did say they use that a LOT as a culprit because there is no treatment for it and no way to discredit it as a culprit. Convenient ey?) Also sinus pressure and stress/anxiety. Also hard to discredit. Whether you have kids or not, you have stress. Woke up alive? Then you probably have some amount of stress in your life. 

My next step is a neurologist. I called and they're hoping to see me mid-October. That is  ONE MONTH from now. So yeah, I'll just have a headache for another month. NBD.

She did prescribe some low-dose prescriptions in an effort to look like she did something. It should be fun to see how all of those interact with someone in pain and always on the border of nausea.

I will write a follow-up when any other information is available, and/or I have any advice to give you on migraines, and/or I am able to write any jokes about the situation. You can see how well that's going so far. 

Not well.

The only advice I can offer is:
Try everything.
For me, almost nothing works. 

Laying down takes the pressure off, so I don't feel as much pain that leads to nausea, that leads to more pain.....
So now I just need to figure out how to live a full, satisying life laying down. Piece of cake. Blanche Deveraux's dream life, am I right? Sign me up.

Being a mom this way? Hmmmm....

Driving? That may be an issue.
Yes! I just need a side car! From fromtuoitrenews.vn

The major narcotic medicine they give you at the hospital took my pain away, but they didn't want to give me a prescription for that at home. All things considered I agree. Anything that your body can become addicted to, you would have to have withdrawal from. That could include headache. No thanks. I've become almost comfortable with the level of pain of my unwanted visitor.

The other things they recommend for migraine?
A joke.
My brain laughs at all essential oils, steeped ginger, soothing music, ear plugs and eye mask. Slightly help, but not much. I have to use the ear plugs to chop vegetables, and learned the hard way that you do NOT chew raw carrots with ear plugs in. Never do that.

I've taken to eating very quiet foods:
Soft fruit, like bananas.
That seems weird, but it's what I'm craving.
I wonder what cotton balls taste like?
Still better than kale I'm sure.
This is the only time in my life I do not want a taco. It feels weird to even type that. I mean, if you brought me one, I would take one for the team.

I stopped fighting the pain days ago, and just kind of roll with it. I'm down to one OTC Tylenol or Motrin every few hours. That means I almost always have some degree of head pain, so I move slowly (yes even moreso) and when the pressure gets really bad I lay down. This is my life now. With 2 small children. If it doesn't get better you'll see me researching euthanasia or something. 

The nice thing is when people find out you've had a headache for that long, they do ask how they can help you. I'm not even sure what would help me, it's just nice to see humans humaning. Even the neighbor, the one I did not murder, sent a text asking how she can help. I love that. 

My sister helped immensely at the beginning. I mostly just need someone to take my little noise-makers away for awhile. That helps. So. Much. They can't help they are headache-makers, they're kids. 

My 3 yr old should hire herself out as a professional Noise Maker. For parades and New Year's Eve? Who wouldn't want that. 

Anyway I'm just wondering if this is what my life will always be like. Will I just have a headache forever? Am I to be the mom who always has a headache? And my poor Stanley Roper-esque husband will be mad because I'll still find a way to demand husbandly duties.
"It promotes good blood flow! Relieves pressure! Other SCIENCE words I can't think of right now!"

Speaking of that, the pressure is building right now, must be the stress of mentioning Stanley Roper so down I lay my head. Peace out for now.

Be glad you have your health today, you never know man.


My Husband's Ashley Madison Profile

So unless you're living under a rock (and if so, do you want a roommate?) you've heard there exists in our world a web site wherein married people can search for other married people with which to break their wedding vows. Freedom isn't free, Murica.

That's right, I'm joking about a "very serious topic" and before you send me hate messages about how this is not funny, just know this:

Everything terrible can be laughed at. SHOULD be laughed at. That's how we get through this. You laugh, you thank your Lucky Charms whatever the terrible thing that's currently happening in our terrible world isn't happening to you, and you move on. And if you're smart, you have some Lucky Charms. They're magically delicious.

And also? There is something else terrible waiting tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. And we have to move on however we can move on. And I move on? By laughing at things. If you don't like that, you're in the wrong place.

So when we learned about this, and just HOW MANY MILLIONS OF PEOPLE are on this site, we were....not at all surprised because my theory of humans remains unchanged:
People are the worst.

It was difficult not to be at least a little tickled at the idea that hackers broke in to their database and threatened to release the names. Yes, it's a travesty to all of us to have privacy breached, but also EFF A CHEATER. NawI'msayin?

Then I heard you could actually SEARCH the list to find names. My husband and I used to work together so we immediately thought of people we both knew that were probably on there. The people that are still alive, obvs. Anyone who used to work with us immediately knows who I'm talking about. A dirty cheater. Who died.

Notice how I'm not adding RIP or any other thing people do to suddenly respect a sh|tty person as soon as they're dead. Because: NOPE. I'm not doing that. I'll see him in Hell, and thank him again for recommending me to go to Florida for training and telling me to rent a car and have a good time. I did have a great time. I often had a great time and if I go to Hell for it, it was worth it.

Anyway, I heard on my phone you could search for names or emails and being the old-beyond-my-years person I am, I hate searching for things on my phone. I never did make it to my laptop to search because I'm lazy. Really lazy. 

Way too lazy to search for people I don't really care about. Way too lazy to have an affair. I mean, I would never betray my family like that. If I am not happy in my life? I will let you know, sir. But also, I imagine infidelity to be exhausting.

It's got to involve grueling, tiresome things like remembering lies, and also shaving my legs and whatnot. I'm not doing that any more than I have to. I've said on social media, WHO are these people that have the energy to lead double lives? I can barely handle my one relationship. 

I'm way too cheap and lazy to even set up a profile online to have sex. It seems weird to me. Maybe those people haven't heard of bars? I don't know, man. When I was single a friend of mine wanted me to fill out the leeeengthy questionnaire for e-Harmony. Have you heard about that? I literally answered less questions to get a loan for my condo. Not kidding.

She told me, 
"They need a lot of information to match you with your soul mate."

Aw sweetie. I don't know crap about romance you'll be shocked to hear, but if soul mates were real? My soul mate would never sit here and fill out all of these questions. Not in a million years.

I got pissed off a few weeks ago when I went to order PIZZA at a new place, and to place your order online you had to set up a profile. OH NO. I just called them. This is supposed to be an easy to get food. Take my money: The End.

I also couldn't do this online profile monkey business because I have a problem with my....what do you call that thing? Where you store the stuff? Oh yeah, BRAIN. 

This would mean remembering ANOTHER login and password


Know how I remember mine? 
Right before I get locked out I call my husband. 

That convo would be pretty awkward I'm guessing.

But I couldn't help but laugh at what my profile would look like.

"I like stuff. Do you?
Don't answer that. 
NO talking. Ever.
Hope you're not allergic to awesome."

Then there would be a million blank spaces/questions and probably some kind of notice that I'm behind on payment.

And I thought about what my husband's profile would look like. 

Now maybe you have to had met him, but really just know that he is the Stanley to my Helen Roper in the relationship. The very idea of him expelling energy to have to expel more energy is beyond funny.

I know he had done online dating before we met, and how I know that is well, that's a long story for another time. But I picture his profile to be a ton of lies about things he thinks he likes, because he thinks he's SUPPOSED to like them, but doesn't actually ever do. Like golf. He drove around with what may as well have been a toy set of golf clubs in his car for over a decade before I finally put them in the garage when I had to take his car to the grocery. No idea if they're still in the garage or still exist in this world or any other.

He had to fill out some personal things for a poster to hang in his cubicle at work and it may as well read:
"I'm a lying liar sitting on a throne of lies."
This poster is full of things he actually hates in real life. 

He says his perfect day would be:
Sleeping in (ok, that's legit)
Golf (hasn't gone in decades)
BBQ (I have to FORCE him to grill anything)
Bonfire (he HATES this, and all things outside espesh if he has to DO anything) 

So if he had to fill out a profile, he would probably just look for another person to play video games with. Not even in person, he used to play his friends online. 

He would add a ton of Sportsing to his profile, a lot of Star Wars pics and if there were any truth to it:

"No funny business tonight, playing video games."

And that might have been more funny if I had taken the 5 minutes to copy an online profile and fill it in, but I'm not doing that either. 

How about you.

What would YOUR profile look like?
Your spouse or significant other?