That Cubicle Life

I started watching another boy full-time, because we have gotten ourselves used to the cushy American lifestyle of eating every day. Lately while I'm waiting to adjust to the *new* new schedule, I can't help but pontificate about all the things that are different from this job than my past jobs.

Both involved working with children, but in an office situation you get lulled into a false sense of adult security by all the computers, uncomfortable business attire and coffee breath. But then before 10am, you've been called away from the nearly impossible billing magic trick you're trying to pull of, just to watch freaking cat videos and break up a fight about marked or unmarked food in the communal refrigerator.

My former co-workers (the alleged adults) had disgusting bathroom habits from not flushing to not washing their hands to not cleaning up their pumped-out baby food, and worse biohazards you REALLY don't want to hear about, but at least in an office I wasn't in charge of wiping anyone's anything.  

My new co-workers never go way over deadline gossiping, or talk about American Idol until I want to jam sharp office supplies into my ear holes. They do sing "Let It Go' from Disney's Frozen after I caved and rented it from the $2 video store down the street. 3 times now. 
Yes, I know that eventually it will be cheaper to buy it, but also if we own it? I can't say, "Sorry, the store's closed."  Can you put a price on THAT? No, no you can't.

I miss office pranks something fierce. In my old jobs I could for example, let off some steam and simultaneously remind someone of their least favorite client by wallpapering every single inch of their cubicle with returned mailers from that client. Also inside all of their storage shelves and desk drawers, any anywhere else I could get into.  
No, this is not mine unforch. It was like this, only with client mailers.
The HOFF pics ARE better, though
. from Pinterest
I've done that one twice, both times before having a digital camera so I have no idea where the physical pictures would be. In the saddle bag of the brontosaurus I rode to work, no doubt.

Working with toddlers, pranking is generally frowned upon. They also never fall for that whole,
"Your credit card company called to verify a $7,000 charge today." 
One guy really yelled at his wife over that one before I had the chance to explain that it was just me, just kidding. Whoopsy.

Toddlers on the other hand? It's a scientific fact that toddlers are the LEAST funny individuals on planet Earth, despite maniacally laughing at their own evil destruction. You might think wearing a cute clown mask to greet them in the morning would be funny, but you would be dead-on-balls wrong. And definitely greeted with screaming tears. And possibly tiny fists of fury. Toddler humor is a very oddly specific art, where only adults being in actual, physical pain seems to make them happy. Say, bumping my head or falling on the floor, or fighting off a nervous breakdown. I'm not playing to that room. Not on purpose anyway.

Managing projects is quiet different in my new gig. I used to arrange a meeting(s) of all people involved to lay out a general timeline, making sure everyone is on board with their part. All team members were clear on their individual goals, and we would have follow-up meetings to see how things were coming along (or not.) Now my projects are handed to me, like it or not, without so much as a pretense of pretending to care about my opinion. 

I'm told what the goal is, and when the light is green, even if it couldn't be more red. Or yellow and brown in the case of Force potty-training (and I'm not talking Star Wars) a 2 year old, who can't talk or even pull down his own pants, much less control the muscles responsible for holding in his bodily fluids. The Father wants to stop paying for diapers, so now it's my problem how to make that happen with someone who can't even get their junk, much less their fluids into a potty hole once I've placed him on it. That's all I'm going to say, except:
If you feel like you get dumped on at work, walk a mile in my bathroom. 

The pay is much different, even how I'm compensated. Instead of my pay being directly deposited into my bank account, so I can cover the expenses of the job, in my case feeding other human beings that eat several times during my work day, now I have to actually ASK (beg at times) for each and every payment. Half the time I'm put off for a myriad of reasons no adult person would ever offer instead of payment in any other situation anywhere else in the adult world. 

Imagine your mortgage company calls you to ask for your house payment, and you casually walk away telling them you forgot your checkbook. Or you're running late, you'll get them later. Or listing a bunch of things you recently had to pay for that have nothing to do with them, that made you come up short. 

How do you think the electric company would respond to that one? That's right, after they hung up on you, you would be trying to dial them back up IN THE DARK because they would turn your crap right off. Assuming the phone company hadn't already turned your phone off for not paying because you didn't feel like it yet, even though the service you pay for WAS ALREADY PROVIDED. If you were at a restaurant, ate your meal and upon the waiter giving you the check, you rattled off everything you had to pay for that week-----okay, I think you get the idea. Point is, PAY people who provide services to you. It's literally the least you can do. It's what you agreed to do.

This job does come with benefits I have never had before, smiles, giggles, hugs, nine thousand crayon drawings every week and even "Thank you"s at times. I'm glad I'm able to work from home, don't get me wrong, even if it means making a LOT of sacrifices financially, and not having a lunch break, or bathroom break alone, or any break, or 5 seconds to be allowed to finish a thought or speak like an actual intelligible adult. 

This whole post probably doesn't make any sense, as I have yet to be able to read even a single sentence all the way through to try to proof-read it. Am I going to publish it anyway? Yes, I am. Interacting through this blog is 95% of my only adult interaction, so THANK YOU for reading, and especially those of you who comment and remind me THERE ARE GROWN UPS out there. Somewhere.

Enjoy your lunch breaks if you get em! I'll be over here oooh'ing and ahhh'ing over my stick figure drawings. 


GRIMm Fairy Tales: 2014 Edition

October is my favorite time for story telling. I enjoy the bounteous benefits Fall has on fables during the season of the witch. Something about the anticipation of the Day of the Dead, puts an especially sensational scary spin on spinning yarns. 

When we don’t take the happy ending element for granted, but instead sit at the edge of our tree stump and wonder just what will happen.
Will the hero prevail?
Will there be a happy ending?
Will some mysterious other-wordly force keep the princess from riding into the sunset?
When will the evil undead monster appear out of nowhere and donk up this boring love story already?!
More than princess-flavored fairy tales, the famous fables of such literary geniuses as the Brothers Grimm were always favorites of mine. So many writers have put their own spin on the classic tales. I feel they would be flattered by yet another homage. 
Plus even they can’t sue me from their graves, or can they? *cue terrifying music* 
Even if someone claims to own the rights to these ancient tales, the odds are ever in my favor that those people won’t come across this blog.

What if some of these tales took place today? They might look something like this:

Hansel & Gretel
A very different fairy tale in 2014. The woodcutter and his wife don’t actually have to set their children out into the woods, unable to feed them. Thanks to the advances in increasingly scary food additives, originating from people complaining to the government just how expensive it had become to feed their families, boxed and prepackaged food can be purchased at very low prices. They last and last forever thanks to the powers of the added space-aged polymers.
from healthywyse.org
The family stay together and daily enjoy low-priced meals of Ramen Soup, boxed macaroni and cheese, and even ‘real fruit’ juice, made affordable by adding High Fructose Corn Syrup. They never do get trapped by a witch in a candy house! Thanks to the chemicals in their food, it becomes far too painful for them to walk more than 20 feet from the safety of their house.

They live long-ish, happy lives with their parents thanks to their surgically-implanted diabetes pumps regulating their glucose, after their internal organs become unable.

If you listen carefully, when you eat a candy bar with nougat you can still hear the
echoing the sounds of their soft-shoed footsteps, waddling through the house to mount their rascal scooters in the garage. Which they ride to the end of the driveway to catch the bus to Wal-Mart.

The beautiful Rapunzel in her high tower, never let any princes up to see her on a ladder made of her own hair because she has an empowering, stylish pixie hair cut. That no one ever sees. Because: Locked in a tower.
from fanpop.com
However, her tower did have internet access which she used to educate herself about everything from engineering to Magical Curses Law, which no one told her she couldn’t learn because she was all by herself in the tower. She learns to build herself an ACTUAL ladder, and climbs down.

She finds a good doctor to prescribe her something for social anxiety. Then Rapunzel runs a background check to locate the enchantress who originally sentenced her to the tower, ILLEGALLY, because of something her mother did before she was ever born, and brings litigation against her ending her reign of magically tyranny. She lives happily ever after, all by herself, because she knows first hand you don’t need a prince to be happy. You only need the internet.

Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs
The story is similar, charming tale that it is, except in 2014 the Wicked Witch poisons Dopey instead of Snow White. Dopey was the only one who was home in the cottage, after being talked into the home care-taker role while Snow White worked in the diamond mine, earning just $.78 for every dollar the male dwarves are paid. Minus the cost of her more expensive work garb, which is priced higher for some reason because it’s for females.
This is her on Casual Friday. from dotshoplet.com
All goes well, until she hits the diamond mine glass ceiling. Then Snow White is forced to train a much younger, much more stupid recent college graduate who can do 40% of the same job she does, at just 20% of the pay. But the owners of the diamond mine “really appreciate everything she’s done for the company over the years.”

They live happily ever after. By 'they' I mean the owners of the diamond mine. As rich white men always do.

Disney's Frozen
I think this one would be almost exactly the same in 2014. Women are unfortunately often forced to "conceal don't feel, don't let it show" when they're struggling with something painful. They hide it as long as they can until they have to Let It Go, and explode causing an eternal winter, while singing a catchy, annoying pop song.


from picturequotes.com


Post Happily Ever After Script
I wish I had time to ponder more modern day fairy tales, but alas I must return to my fairytale dwarves in my own Comfily Ever After castle.

I hope you enjoyed my spin on these tales, and didn't find them 'too bitchy' as my Prince Charming did.


To Prep For Ebola: Eat Your Boogers

Ever since the first case of Ebola was said to hit the US, almost everywhere I go I’m hearing/seeing cries for help people freaking out about Ebola. The people worrying haven’t been to a hospital, or on an airplane, or been exposed to a building where anyone with ebola even walked through, much less actually put themselves in contact with the bodily fluids of anyone with the disease, but Worriers Gonna Worry.
from ar15.com
Let me just take this quick opportunity to explain how you would get the ebola virus. It’s a scary illness, that’s for sure, however for you to get the virus you would have to be exposed to a person who definitely has it, and actually be IN CONTACT with their bodily fluids
from caribdirect.com
You’re not going to get it from someone coughing on the bus, or even sneezing right in your face. This won’t give you ebola. A cold? Maybe. Disgusted? Almost definitely, it happens to me every day by cute little kids and it’s still gross.

Now if you have been exposed to someone with the disease, and you went ahead and rolled around in their vomit or blood:
  1. Please tell me the story behind that in the Comments below.
  2. Know that we very different practices in play here than they do where this disease started to grow. We have the best medicine, and we are able to test and quarantine people, unlike the areas where this is a real actual threat.

In other words: Calm the Frick Down and have faith in our medical system.

Mostly the people I see worrying are overly-worried (to put it nicely) parents and/or your paranoid types. Your germaphobes, OCD sufferers, anti-bac ralliers, etc.

Mysophobia (Verminophobia) is a pathological fear of contamination and germs.

These are the people who, in their constant vigilance against bacteria, actually CAUSE common germs to mutate into superbugs and antibiotic-resistant strains. 

A part of me feels badly for what they’re going through, but mostly the part of me passed down by my old man wants to grab them by the collar and explain at great length just how they’re making things worse.

I do feel badly for actual OCD-sufferers. If you know someone, or are someone, who washes their hands and/or cleans their house to the point where it affects your life, you really should get some help. There may be a very simple fix for you. Science tells us that people with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder have different brain activity. If left untreated, it could get worse. Talk to your doctor, who has heard about these and many worse conditions and will not judge you, and try some different treatment.

If you don’t actually have OCD, your worry is probably coming from a place of fear. You want to be a good parent, a good citizen, or you just don’t want to get sick. I get it.  I understand where some of it is coming from. I used to have many irrational fears from public speaking to a small bout with spider fear, to a myriad of general parenting fears. 

Do you want to know how I got over my fears? I just faced them, dead-on-balls straight on. That is a weird way of saying that, at no time did I ever have a fear of any kind of balls. Being a single mother, I was the only one around to deal with spiders in the kid's room. 

I had 2 choices: Either freak out and give my offspring the same irrational fear, or can realize they are a part of our world, get over mydambself, grab a cup and just put that little fricker outside. I moved many a spider, I lived, and now I'm not afraid of spiders anymore.

Public speaking? I volunteered to do small training classes with the 3-Day Walk for Breast Cancer, and worked my up to giving talks to the entire crew. I spoke, people stared, I lived, I'm not afraid anymore. And this coming March? I'm marrying an awesome co-crew member and her fiancee.
Which is to say I'm officiating the ceremony as a minster of the church of Universal Life, not that I'm becoming poly-amorous. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

from boldomatic.com
When my first 2 kids were born, I used the anti-bac, I bleached, I washed my hands a million times. 

Eventually they got sick, they lived, and now I never buy or use anti-bac anymore. I wash my hands using good old soap and water. We get plenty of exposure to germs, both in our own dirty house, and in public places. I avoid antibiotics at all costs, and we're all healthy. 

My oldest is 19 and even though he's a smoker and his main food group is currently Flamin' Hot Cheetos, he almost never gets sick.

Some people obsessively wash, clean, disinfect, and sanitize simply because they want to keep their family safe. They want to feel in control in a world where we may not feel like we have a lot of control. That's a very human reaction to fear.

However, they should know they’re not actually helping their family by keeping them away from germs. That makes their immune systems weak, and therefore more vulnerable when they actually are exposed to germs. Since germs are a part of our world, there is a good chance eventually all children and adults will be exposed to some sort of germs. And that’s okay. Germs are everywhere, you can’t outrun them.

Without getting all science-verbiage on you, did you know there are mites that live on your eyelashes? They feed off the dead skin cells and oil that collect in your follicles. If I showed you a picture you might be horrified, feel free to look them up, because there they are. Every day. They come out to breed on your face at night, and return to your follicles to lay eggs. You can’t run from them. They are there, they are fine. They won’t hurt you. If you tried to interfere with them and say, spray Raid on your face, you would do yourself a huge injustice.

My point, other than grossing everyone knowing that mites are having sex on your face, is that there are some things in your environment that you can’t control, and you’re better to just embrace them. 

Do you think people in Mexico go around telling each other “Don’t drink the water!” No, they drink it, they’re fine. This is because their bodies are used to the water. It’s their world, that’s their water, it’s where they live. Their systems adapted. Just like ours need to adapt to our water, our world, our germs.

You would do your family a better service exposing them to everyday germs. Let them actually touch a cart in the grocery store, play at the park where children around them played, even eating their own boogers would be better for them than all the anti-bacterial goop on their little meathooks. Look it up, ask any doctor worth his/her salt, ask any medical student. I will put links to sites at the end of this.

My sister had a friend so afraid of germs, she wouldn’t let her children check out library books because she was afraid there would be boogers in the books from other kids. If there were, this would have done her childrens’ immune systems a world of good.

By being exposed to germs, their bodies would develop antibodies to fight those germs. The next time the kids get exposed? No worries, their bodies know just how to fight this. This is how vaccines work, this is how our bodies work, it’s all natural.

When you or your children get a common cold, let them fight it. The body knows what to do. Unless you or children are immuno-comprimised, or the fever goes above say 103 degress, the white blood cells and other defense mechanisms will kick in and fight. If you rush them to the doctor and give them anti-biotics every time they’re sick, you may cause the germs to become stronger, and their bodies never learn to develop antibodies.

If you know anyone worried about ebola, just tell them to eat their boogers.

Okay, that is not the only thing that will build your immune system. I mean, think about it, any germs in those boogers were already in your body. My point is, embrace the germs and bacteria in your world, they're not going away and they're good for you.

Some non-wiki links if you want actual science backup:


Here is an article from webMD about exposing your kids to germs:
The bottom line on that article:
"A mounting body of research suggests that exposing infants to germs may offer them greater protection from illnesses such as allergies and asthma later on in life."

That is straight from webMD, not wikipedia.


Star Wars Rebels Is Happening. Also Snow, Snow Is Happening.

Our plans were cancelled for this weekend and it's freezing cold and raining outside, YAY! 
from accuweather.com
Wait, before you decide that I've finally gone all the way off the deep end, I should 'splain.

These events mean I can FINALLY sit on my lazy hams for once on a Saturday with my laptop. Like the good Lord intended. Hoooooray!

Combine that with the debut of Star Wars Rebels cartoons, and that means I have time to write a blog post, while half-watching the new awesome cartoon. 
from superbwallpapers.com
Well, other than catering to my childrens' many demands for food and beverages and attention.  Be right back...

Lately life has been so busy I don't even want to open my laptop and be reminded of all the things I've been ignoring. I'm overwhelmed enough by the change of schedule, combined with random other normal life stresses that shouldn't be overwhelming me, but are. I have another appointment with my doctor Monday to ask her if NOT being full-on crazy is right for me. We'll see what she says. 
If only the side effects didn't include anal leakage. from fukitol.au.com
I'm thankful we have medical insurance and a doctor who is willing to work with me on finding out what is wrong with me. I'm more stressed by the same things that shouldn't be stressing me this much. 

I've been trying to get out and walk and stay active, and by that I mean my husband has been dragging me out by the hair. I need that sometimes, it's true, and I'm thankful he cares enough to fight our Comfy (lazy) nature and get fresh air and exercise. Even if it IS dark outside by the time we eat and get out for a walk.
From our walks. That tiny sliver is the moon. If I zoom in, my phone makes things too pixely.
But today? We're staying INSIDE. All day if I can help it. 
(Probably can't pull that off because I also haven't gotten any groceries for days.)
In my defense I was more busy than usual this week. I watched a little boy from my daughter's school, who I may start watching full time thanks to my daughter's teacher recommending me to his mother. 

I know, ANOTHER kid? Just what I need. However, we do need the money. I'm thankful to possibly be getting another paycheck, if his mother decides to take the job, because right this moment I'm wearing a hideous FREE comfortable FREE pair of shoes my mother gave me. For FREE. Literally in a garbage bag. FREE. I don't want to know where she got them. FREE. I just picked out a pair, put them on, and HEY, they don't hurt my feet like all of my very old shoes do. FREE!

The new boy, should we be thankful enough to watch him, will keep us all busy, he's a boy with a lot of energy. The good news? He's the LAST possible body that can fit in my mega van and still get my daughter to school. So I couldn't possibly watch even one more. Nope. No room. Sorry. All FULL.
We don't really live in a shoe. It just feels like it during the week. from xackphobe.com
It's also the start of SOUP season. Yes we make soup all year long, but now we'll really be going crazy with it. Today my husband's famous F.O. Soup (French Onion) is burning our eyes and delighting our noses as you read this. 

My kids aren't adapting well to not running around outside today, so that's all I have time for. 

This post is a part of the best blog experience on the market today (?) the Ten(ish) Things of Thankful. Click >>here<< to play.

I'll do my best to hop around to the others, but I apologize if it takes me a long time. I'm easing back in to this blogging thing. I really stink at it right now. Thankful in advance for your patience!


TMI: Can We Cut The Crap?

I am a child of the 80's, and by that I mean I was born in the 70's, grew up and came of age in the 2nd greatest decade known to have happened. 
Second only to the 70's, the penultimate time to be alive and American. Just missed it.

Don't worry, this isn't another list of "87 things my fist-shaking generation had that were better than yours." You can't shake a microchip without hitting millions of those. Atari was rad all right, but you hadda be there. Also my life was very different than most, so pretty much only my brother would be able to relate to my list. And he wouldn't read a blog if you paid him. 

Well, you'd have to pay him a lot. In advance. And explain a few words. The whole setup isn't worth the payoff. I can make him laugh as much just by saying the words, 
"Hungry, Diane?" 
from that scene in "Police Academy 2," where the sound effects dude does all those sound affects. Kills us every time. 

If anyone says 'television' or even 'TV' we can't not say: 
"I don't even own a television," in a super douchey voice.

Anyway, the 80's were fantastic. We had fun television, we didn't feel guilty about watching because our TV would teach us about life and stuff. We didn't have to time how many minutes a day we got to watch, the TV was on 24 hours a day, despite the warnings from the Wattage Waster. 

No one called us out on this, or judged us, or reported our parents to DCFS or said (out loud) how they were endangering us. Oh they were, but that was a parent's call in the 80's, not society's. If you had children, you didn't let the government tell you whether you should spank them, or shame them, or send them to public school. You thought about what your parents did, and you did the exact opposite. 

THAT is how you parented, and you never wondered for one second if you were doing the right thing. The adult knows better, end of story. Parents didn't ask for advice, or read books about parenting, or consult a network of their piers. Oh, hell no. Kids, shut your mouths, do your chores, then finish your homework and watch all the TV your bugged-out eyes can take in. 

It wasn't perfect, but everyone did the best they could and didn't waste time and energy arguing with each other about individual decisions. People didn't put each other down for things like their food choices. You bought an apple, you assumed it was good for you. We drank the Kool-Aid. Literally. And felt like it was healthy, because hey, it's better than soda.
We also drank the crap out of soda. milwaukeemag.com
HoHo's were wrapped in tin foil and didn't taste like chemicals, and our parents could use the microwave for everything. And I mean everything. My mom would make Thanksgiving dinner, eggs, oatmeal, cup o'soup, you name it. We hardly ever used the actual stove after 1984. But also, we didn't worry about how every single freaking thing in the entire world was going to kill our bodies with cancer

We drank water out of the tap and felt good about it. Some smart guy put chlorine in the water, and that killed all the bad stuff. And another smarty pants put fluoride in it, so we would have nice, strong teeth and didn't wind up in the Big Book of British Smiles. 

We started to get smarter about things. We read. We read everything, and by that I mean newspapers and magazines and books. Because that is all we had to chose from. There was a long time between some smart person writing a book, and doing actual research first, getting it printed and distributed to the public. Once we read that information, we took at as fact.

We didn't have everyone and their sketchy uncle uploading made up information to eleventy billion web sites, giving their two cents claiming to be an expert. All claiming to know what is best for us. All promising us they have our best interest in mind. All putting down the other media sources, saying those guys are wrong, their data is flawed, only conservative points of view are valid, everything we know about everything is wrong and it's all killing us. Why do we have to do this?

Oh yeah, for clicks. 

The way we share information now about what is good for us, and which shit is killing us now, and why, is overwhelming. I don't mean in a "You're world is frightening and confusing" unfrozen caveman lawyer way. Our every day news-watching and information gathering has gone off the rails. We don't know what to believe. I don't believe anything anymore.

Mine was the first generation to play video games and be comfortable with computers, and at this point it may have gone to our heads. Anyone with internet access has their own site full of information, filled with ads to try not to click on. Like this piece of garbage you're reading now, what the hell does she know? Not much, but at least there are no ads here. 

I'm not sure if we know too much, or have too much information, or just go about sharing it the wrong way. Everywhere you turn, you get conflicting information. Without any source information for where we get this expert knowledge. 

Use sunscreen, sunscreen will give you cancer.
Eat vegetables, but the pesticides will give you cancer.
Don't drink milk anymore, but every other source of calcium will definitely give you cancer.
Drink 8 glasses of water, no you don't need 8 glasses. 
Water will save your life, too much will flush out your potassium, we're all dehydrated, but the water from your sink that we've taken great lengths to make healthy contains people's flushed medicine and poisons, and bottled water comes in plastic bottles that will totally give you cancer and fill the ocean with a floating island of garbage that will definitely kill us all horribly.

To use just one, seemingly easy example:
Exercise is good for us. 

So simple, right?
We know this. We've always known this. 

Now however, we barrage each other with information on the right kind of exercise, you have to stretch first, stretch after, drink water first, no not Smart Water, do you know what kind of poison HFCS is? 

Eat protein first, but not meat, NO NOT soy protein, never soy, yogurt, no greek yogurt, no eat fruit first, make your own breakfast fuel but for the love of all that is holy do not put bleached flour into your temple, don't eat anything first, run outside, no cement is bad for your joints, wear the right arch supports, no run barefoot, now use these freaky separated toe running shoes, join a gym, pay a personal trainer because 'Do you even lift, bro?' Weight training burns 147% more calories than cardio alone... 

Load up your iPod with the right playlist, no now use your phone with this music app where we can share playlists, no that one is sooo last year, now use iTunes again on the latest device you didn't know you absolutely need to have. 
from wallpaperbrands.net

Oh wait you've used more than 5 devices for your purchased music, sorry. 

Game over on all that legally purchased info-tainment, Apple fans.

Now buy this Fitness app, it's totally worth it, no not that fitness app you old, outdated geezer. 

Be sure to post your workout on social media to keep motivated and motivate others, and uhmawgawd how many times do we need to hear about your workout on Facebook?

SHUTTHEFREAKUP. Shut up so hard.

I can't even take it anymore. I don't even want the latest, or the greatest. I don't care what the new thing is, or what the latest data shows. A recent survey I took show that 100% of people in my brain don't give a shit what you did to lose 10 pounds. I'm never buying a diet pill or a wrap to melt fat, or whatever else is the miracle of the year. 

I don't know about anyone else, but personally? I've had enough.

ENOUGH with the contradictory information, conflicting messages, and bi-polar definitions of healthy always comin' at us, Bro. Even when our information isn't conflicting, it still manages to annoy the crap out of us. 

I'm just trying to make it through the day without someone calling the authorities and telling them I'm endangering my children because my 2 yr old ate her whole tube of fluoride-free toothpaste and now she has to use the fluoride toothpaste, even though Christ-on-a-gluten-free-CRACKER: she doesn't spit it all out!

My husband is so deaf to my warnings of things that are poison, that if our kids actually ate poison he would smile and nod and say, "It's okay, they're going to be fine."

Things off the top of my head I've told him are poison and would kill us:
Decaf coffee
Bleached flour
Diet soda
Fluoride toothpaste 

Don't even get me started about the environment, the Green movement, and the battle of Capitalism vs. sustainability. Buy American, Consumer Reports says Japan makes superior products for the money, cheap, mass-produced, disposable products are turning us into a disposable society, check for 'imperfections in the glassware proving they were hand-made by the honest, simple hardworking indigenous people of wherever.' (Fight Club.)

I've never had the time or means to figure out which dining set defines me as a person, because most of my adult life I was too busy trying to get through the day without driving into oncoming traffic on my way to jobs I hate to earn barely enough money to feed my son as a single mother. 

But you know what? And yes, I know you're not supposed to start a sentence that way, I've read the rules, but here's the secret:
I have learned it's okay to IGNORE all the rules.

*pause for gasping*

Okay, not all the rules. They get really mad if you try to revolt against seat belts by claiming Hipsterism as a religion. 

You just have to pick your battles. That's not just a thing with teenagers, but hot damn that IS THEE thing with teenagers, that's also the thing with Life. You can't ever feel like you're always doing the 'right' thing anymore. You can ask 20 people the same question and get 20 answers. You can find 20 articles on different sides of the same subject. The reality is: NOBODY KNOWS what the 'right' thing for you is. Only YOU can know that.

You don't have to become a physician, nutritionist, fitness expert, environmental guru or anything else. You just have to figure out how to get through the day. Because at the end of the day, that is all that matters. Did you make it through the day? Can you make it through another? You're winning.

It's all just too much information to handle. We need to cut the crap already. Our brains are full, but our souls need comfort. We're all trying to either find the right support system, or therapist or the right antidepressant, or hold off on taking them as long as we can because you guessed it, they will also kill us. But not having them? Will kill us sooner. Probably. Who knows, who wants to find out the hard way? Think of the children.

All of this conflicting messaging isn't really helping. It's all bullspit, and by that I mean Marketing. Everything is all just verbal diarrhea to get people to watch their show in order to see the commercials, to click on a place with ads to generate marketing revenue. Do any of those articles or products help? Clearly not. 

We just need to be better at tuning it out. I feel like we are becoming a little immune to these messages. I mean, how many people do you know that even use LinkedIn anymore? Despite all of those emails each week. 

Someday Americans are going to figure out that there is no ONE answer to anything. In the mean time, if we could just all give each other a break, that would be great. 

We will never win the war on Marketing, but we can share information with each other in a kinder, gentler way. We can admit we don't have thee right answer, but saying,
"This is where I read this bit..."
sounds a lot better than pretending to be an expert after reading one article. 

We can lend each other an oar of support while trying to row down the Bullshit River of American Life in whatever they're calling these years.

We can all just admit that we're just doing our best. That's all you can do. By definition, that is literally the best you can do. Google it.
Otherwise the more information we get thrown at us, the more confused we become by all the mixed messages. We just mentally throw up our hands, turn off the news, just say 'Fudge it,' and watch Mork and Mindy reruns to just feel goddamned happy again. 

I know it's not just me because binge Netflixing* is now a Verb. We need to know other people do this to feel normal. And that's okay. A generation raised by TV needs to be comforted by good old scripted comedy and canned laughter. Brain fuel be damned.

(*In the Urban Dictionary.)


Putting The FUN In Funerals

I was at a wedding this weekend and I couldn't help but remember how much I hate weddings. I don't mean the idea of marriage, I'm all for building an army to fight the war against life, it's one of the only ways you'll survive. 

I mean the whole legality, or I guess ILlegality for some people, and the especially the ceremonial parts of it, have become so....expected? 
Lame as Hell. Yeah, that.

Who decided these ceremonies have to be so damn boring? Why are we all just playing along like we like this?
In my defense I come from a big family and I've been to hundreds of weddings, and stood up to weddings in many different-colored lace, taffeta and other uncomfortable, non-flattering fabric dresses. 

Once I even had to wear gloves AND carry a parasol. It was end of June, hotter than Haiti and guess what happens when a young child gets sweaty and is expected to carry a parasol wearing wet, slippery fancy gloves for HOURS of pictures? It's the recipe for Wedding Rage. And decades later I'm still a rage-aholic when it comes to boring weddings.

I know that people like traditions, but why do they all have to be exactly the same? Why can't we switch it up a bit, NOT do the same things ad nauseum? 

Sure people have their themes, but they just go through the same motions in different clothes.
Their vows are like, Leah: "I do." Han: "I know." from johnmichaelboling.com
Can we make Masquerade Weddings a thing, not just end of October? WHY NOT?

Would it ruin someone's life to have a Harry Potter wedding JUST ONCE? Would the very cable-knit sweater of society unravel if there was a Fiesta Wedding with a freaking taco bar?

Why can't we just stop it already with the bouquet and damn garter belt? You never even find these fake garters anywhere outside of pornos and weddings anymore. NO ONE WEARS THESE. They're stupid. How do I unsubscribe?

Well wedding-wise I Opted OUT by running away to Vegas to be married. 
My FIL, me, Husband, coked-out Elvis, my Diane-in-Law
I could NOT deal with paying or picking a wedding dress. It was my husband's first wedding so I did wear a dress, but no seating charts, NO deciding who to invite and WOW that is so many people, who do we cut so we don't have to sell our house to pay for ONE NIGHT? Then you can't even enjoy it because you're the hostess. Here, let me just write a giant check and have to run around like crazy all night. 


All that pressure is way too much for me. 

My idea of a fun day would never involve white clothing. Just never, ever. Or the Chicken Dance, or any other synchronized dance. A giant pink gorilla? Apparently because this picture exists. I have no idea at what point I acquired a tiara or what happened to it. It's one of those Life Mysteries.
From my wedding night. I have NO memory of this happening.
When you're planning your wedding, don't forget to plan for FUN. It's okay. It should be allowed. Hell, it should be mandatory. 

I also think we're at the point in our society when we can pull the trigger on Online Weddings

Yes seriously.

They already have wedding web sites. Why not have an option for people to follow along from home? 

At least have that be an option. 

People can watch short videos of the Big Day, some before, DURING and after, at the reception, from their homes if they can't make it to the actual wedding. Out of town family can laugh, judge your clothing choices and Toast the Happy Couple from home!

This could be an option for funerals, too. Because while we're at it, we really need to do something about funerals. I know, that will be a little more difficult for people to accept change but seriously. I know funerals are supposed to be boring serious, but we need a logistical change.

My BFF and I were talking about funerals in the super long line of people waiting to stare at the body, and it occurred to me....WHY? 

I mean, I know WHY people need a wake/funeral for closure. 

Humans needs some sort of Last Time you have to get dressed up and have people judge your looks, because PEOPLE, but why does it have to be so painful? 

Can't we come in, talk to each other and have the deceased at the center or something? View as you please, along the evening. 

Why do they all have to start with waiting in a GIANT LINE wearing uncomfortable shoes?

I've seen a news item on a funeral home with a Drive Through viewing window. Laugh if you will, but this is genius. 
The Robert L. Adams Funeral Parlor has had drive-through since 1974. from reuters.com
This is perfect for the old, the infirm, the introverted, the impatient, the rude. At least they will show up, pay their respects, say their last good-byes and get some closure.

We came up with the perfect funeral for any 80's kid. Stay with me here, but:
Roller Rink.

People can come in, talk to each other, have some nachos. What the hell isn't better with nachos?

You know what eases the pain of losing a loved one? Roller dancing to the hits of the 80's. Also Open bar. And candy for kids. 

Some can skate, bring your own or use the rentals if you have the ankle strength. You don't have to skate, I mean we don't want Grandma causing a double-funeral, but you CAN. 

And what's in the middle of the rink? The deceased. 

Everyone can see him or her, under the beautiful strobing light of a disco ball. The way nature intended for us to leave this world.
So beautiful. from xtcian.com
There would be a time for serious good-bye saying. The music stops, low lights come on, the official Officiator says whatever Official words are chosen about the deceased for this, and no one skates during this time. Like when they would set up the races and explain the rules, but funeral words. 

The body could be in a big coffin, or something more original like Lionel Batiste, New Orleans drummer, who was standing straight up for his funeral. Much respect for this, Lionel.
THIS is a man you'll never forget. from dailymail.co.uk

After the eulogy words, anyone can share their own stories and whatnot. People who chose not to skate could come down on the floor and say their good-byes to the deceased, get a look at the final make-up and whatever people do when they pretend to pray while viewing the body. 

Then maybe there could be some races, while everyone's off the rink and you have their attention.

Then all join hands and do that conga line thing in circles around the guest of honor.
Aunt Sally would want this. from sierratoday.blogspot.com

Then: It's an All Skate.

Wouldn't you be happier on your deathbed knowing this is what your final party would be like?