2013-09-30

F.O. Soup Original Recipe, Extra Spicy

This is by request, it's the same as the last one but this was my original version. Since FO Soup was my first recipe, I had gone back and taken the swear words out when I posted it. I like swearing, and when a swear organically happens I usually leave it, but for my first time doing a recipe I was thinking:

1. I had a few drinks at this point, and the swears seemed excessive,
B. It was sounding a little "Food Renegade" the guy who does those really crazy swearing food posts, didn't want to copy, 
3. Recipe pinners don't seem like fans of swearing, & mostly
D. I didn't want people to think the RECIPE is a joke, it's not. This soup is really good, and pretty easy to make, especially for how good it is. 

Two people said they wanted to see the original post, I had it in Word on my laptop, so voila. You'll see the swearing doesn't add that much, but it does make my immature self chuckle. (This isn't even the whole FIRST version, where I rambled and rambled and had to take tons of crapola out. This is what was saved.)

If you don't enjoy swearing, and you WOULD like to see a recipe for simple, delicious French Onion Soup, a clean version is available here:
http://www.comfytownchronicles.com/2013/09/fo-soup.html

FO Soup, Extra Spicy:
Stands for French Onion soup, but it's so freaking good if you piss someone off, just make them this soup and then, whatever upset them? F.Off!

If I am sharing a recipe, you can bet your ass it’s either:
A. Really fucking easy, or
2. Really fucking good.
This is really fucking both. 

You can make a big ass pot of it, and then you'll want to eat just that all day or weekend. It has ancient mystical hoodoo healing powers, and it’s so good you could even eat this as hangover food. Just make it the night before. The next day add a Bloody Mary and Advil, and I guarantee the BEST hangover cure of all time, or your money back, Jack.

This would be perfect to eat while watching Game of Thrones. Pretend like it’s what they made out of the onions smuggled by the Onion Knight. Drink red wine out of huge goblets and dress in suits of armor. Huzzah!

People don’t usually even read the WORDS with a recipe, so I’ll get on with it.

Here is what we use to make a big ass pot. You do whatever the hell you want, but here is what we did, and we thought it was delicious.

What makes this kick all forms of ass is the finishing touch, when you order in a restaurant, they melt cheese over the top. Because CHEESE. If you’re vegan or Plutonion, I can’t really help you. With anything. Well not anything you want to put in your mouth.

Shit You’ll Need:
3-4 Large onions (we use sweet-ass Vidalia)
Beef Bullion/Stock – we used 8 (Salty? Mmm, yeah.)
Worchester Sauce – we use ½ cup (I know, but it's good)
Butter - About 1/2 stick (Worth it)
Pinch Salt/Pepper  - whatever else you like

Shit You Can Add If You Want To:
Bread for Toast – we prefer Polish Rye, no seeds
Cheese to melt over the top – We use Provolone or Horseradish
Red wine – whatever you have, even shitty wine is fine

First things first, obviously open the wine. Pour yourself a glass. I hate cooking so let’s get comfy. If it’s really shitty wine, say the kind you win in a raffle at a charity event, just squeeze some orange/lemon/lime into it, whatever you have. If you want to sweeten it up, add some amaretto or some shit like that, until you’re able to swallow it. Anything is fixable.

Save about ½ cup wine to add to the soup. If you forget, don’t even worry. Sometimes we don’t add any wine, and it’s delicious anyway.

Chop the onions, cook in butter on low. Cook in a thin layer, use two pans if you don’t want to stand there stirring forever like a chump.

Cook about 15-20 minutes on low, until just BEFORE they are translucent, or clear if you don’t speak like my husband. Don’t overcook them. You don't want that onion magic juice prematurely ejaculating into your pan, you need it to impregnate your soup with flavor. 

While they are cooking, boil 12 cups of water in a large pot. 

When the water is boiling, add:
8 boullion cubes, 
Salt/Pepper/herbs
1/2 cup Worchester, and 
1/2 cup wine. 

Be sure to hydrate yourself as well, you can drink the rest of the wine. This isn't a Dos Exxis commercial, don't stay thirsty my friends.

Dump the onions in the water, Cook on low for 3 hours or so. If it’s too watery, add stock/bouillon, and if it is too salty, add more water. You can eat it now, it gets better the longer you leave it. Like wine snobs tell you to let wine breathe, but my wine a screwtop is immediately ready.

This is a perfect soup to make ahead of time. Heat it up for company, or leave in a crock pot. This works best for a visit from say a snobby Great Aunt, as onions make people gassy! Might be a good 4th or 5th date soup. Between the gas and the soup making your nose run, you'll get a realistic look at this joker before you decide to make it exclusive.

When you’re ready to serve/eat ladle up ¾ of a bowl of this shit, add toasted bread, and top the whole bowl with cheese. Fuck yeah, cheese!

We usually use Provolone, but we saw Horseradish cheese and HAD to try it, because Booger Season is coming. Soup is good medicine, and horseradish is an awesome decongestant. It tasted wonderful. The cheese and soup that is, not post nasal drip. That tastes like raw oysters, without the sexy side effects.

Broil the cheesy, toasty bowl(s) on a cookie until the cheese is golden and melty. Like this. I know right?

If you haven't already, open another bottle of wine. Be happy, bitches! You made soup. You deserve it. 

When the cheese is golden and the bowls come out, you could throw some fresh basil or whatever the fuck herbs you can score on top, but it’s really not necessary. She’s good to GO.

----------------------
I think we can all agree I made the right call in taking out the swearing and rewording. Hope it made you chuckle.

2013-09-29

F.O. Soup

It stands for French Onion soup, but it's so good if you get someone mad, make them this soup and whatever upset them? F.O. They'll get over it.

If I am sharing a recipe, you can bet your sweet hams, it’s either:

A.   Really freaking easy, or
2. Really freaking good.
This is Both. 

You can make a giant pot of it, and then you'll want to eat just that all day or weekend. It has ancient mystic healing powers for what ails you, and so good you could even eat this as hangover food. Just make the soup part the night before. 

The next day while you’re heating it up, add a Bloody Mary and Advil, and I guarantee the BEST hangover cure of all time.

Okay, enough of that. People don’t usually even read the WORDS with a recipe, so I’ll get on with it.

Here is what we use to make a large pot. I will put what WE use, you can change or add what you like for your taste and situation. Add whatever herbs, or kind of soup stock you like, etc., you’re the boss of you.

What takes this from a bowl o’ soup to a magic potion is the finishing touch, as when you order in a restaurant, you melt cheese over the top. Everybody loves a happy ending. If you’re vegan or Plutonion, I can’t really help you. With anything. Maybe a chuckle, but probably not anything you want to put in your mouth.

You’ll Need:
3-4 Large onions (we use Vidalia)
Beef Bullion/Stock – we used 8 today
Worchester Sauce – we use ½ cup (I know, but it's good)
Butter - About 1/2 stick
Salt/Pepper  - whatever else you like

Crap You Can Add If You Have It Or Want To:
Bread for Toast – we prefer Polish Rye, no seeds
Cheese to melt over the top – We use Provolone or Horseradish
Red wine – whatever you have, even crappy wine is fine
Horseradish Root - Shredded/grated right into the soup

First things first, obviously open the wine. Pour yourself a glass.
*Ahhhh* That's the stuff.

I don’t know about you, but I only cook because I have to, so I like to be relaxed. If it’s really cheap wine, say the kind you win in a raffle at a charity event, just squeeze some orange/lemon/lime into it, whatever you have.

If you want to sweeten it up, add some amaretto or brandy until you’re able to swallow it. My superpower is being able to find a way to drink anything with booze in it. Anything is fixable.

Save about ½ cup wine to add to the soup. If you forget, no big whoop. Sometimes we don’t add any wine, and it’s delicious anyway.

Chop the onions and cook in butter on low heat. You could use oil, it won't taste the same. Cook in a thin layer, use two pans if necessary.
Do NOT carmelize these bad boys, though you might be tempted to.
Cook about 15-20 minutes on low, until just BEFORE they are translucent. You don’t want to overcook them before you add to the soup. You don't want that onion magic juice prematurely ejaculating into your pan, you need it to impregnate your soup with flavor. 

While they are cooking, boil 12 cups of water in a large pot. 

When the water is boiling, add:
8 boullion cubes, 
Salt/Pepper/herbs
1/2 cup Worchester, and 
1/2 cup wine. 

Be sure to hydrate yourself as well. This isn't a Dos Exxis commercial, don't stay thirsty my friends.

The onions are done when they look like this.
Still plump, juicy and full of life
At this point, add the onions to the soup. Cook on low heat, stirring occasionally, for at least 2 hours. 3 is better. Taste. If it’s too watery, add stock/bouillon, and if it is too salty, add more water. 

You can eat at that point, and it keeps getting better the longer you leave it, as all soup does. This is what it looks like after about an hour of cooking.
It will look darker with red wine in it.
This is a perfect soup to make ahead of time. Heat it up for company, or leave in a crock pot. This works best for very snobby guests, as onions make most people gassy.

When you’re ready to serve/eat 
Ladle up ¾ of a bowl with soup, add toasted bread, and top the whole bowl with cheese.
Isn't our cookie sheet amazingly clean and new looking?
We usually use Provolone, but we saw Horseradish cheese and HAD to try it, because Booger Season is coming. Soup is good medicine, and horseradish is an awesome decongestant. It tasted wonderful. If you like that kind of thing.

Then put the bowl(s) on a cookie sheet in the oven on Broil, until the cheese is golden and melty. Like this.
Tastes as good as it looks. Yes, that IS red crayon on the table to the right of the bowl. Bad baby.
If you haven't already, open another bottle of wine. Be happy, you made soup. You deserve it. 

When the cheese is golden and the bowls come out, you could throw some fresh basil or whatever on top, but it’s really not necessary.

French Onion Soup is the perfect thing to eat while watching Game of Thrones. Imagine it’s what they ate when the Onion Knight smuggled onions into the castle during Robert’s Rebellion. 

Turn the lights off, light a few candles, get your favorite large animal pelt, have your cup-bearer bring 'round a nice, big stein of red wine or an olde timey wineskin, and dress in suits of armor for a more realistic effect. Huzzah.
Onion Knight w/his own sigil: A black ship
w/an onion sail.
from awoiaf.westeros.org

2013-09-24

In The Game of Thrones You Die

Friday was George R.R. Martin's birthday. He is the author of, among other things (believe it or not,) the Game of Thrones book series. One of the best book series of all time. IMHO. Obviously.

I started this post on Friday, to tell people who haven't read the books they should really start. If you love to get lost in a story, look no further. This series takes you to another world, paints beautiful (and horrible) pictures and the characters are so real, they are good, they are bad, they are fiercely, wickedly evil and super-human noble.

George R.R. Martin 
He is a fiction writer, he writes a blog called "Not A Blog" click there for the link, and to get a closer look at his writing, and the man as a person. He is NY Jets fan apparently. Who knew? It is more than a little amusing, to think of this man watching football, but I have to remind myself he is human. 

Whether I like it or not, he is allowed other interests and activities besides writing our favorite books. *sigh*

The Game of Thrones series on HBO is how I discovered the series. Up to Season 3 they have kept along with the books. Since they say there will only be 7 seasons, some things will change soon. Both the books and the show are beyond fantastic. I don't like most of what is on television currently, and we are insanely cheap, but we will pay for HBO just for this series. We don't have channels like USA and TBS, but we do have HBO, just because of this show.

I have a hard time reading more than a sentence a week right now, so I'm listening to the audiobooks. I highly recommend them. The reader's voice is like warm, buttery toffee flowing through your ears to gently massage your brain, whisking you away to a world of fantasy. And all the violent killing.
JK Rowling is the top, Harry Potter author
from Johnesmith.com
If you watch/read the series, you know. If you don't, let me just say....you know how you're reading a book or watching a show, and one of the main characters comes to his/her conflict, and you're worried about the character, but not really worried, because usually no matter what they have to face, you know this character is going to be all right? 

Well, forget all that shit. In the Game of Thrones, you win or you die. With 7 kingdoms at war, many, many die. 
Character Serial Killer. He keeps you guessing. Always.
This author makes you question everything, take nothing for granted, and you begin to be afraid to make assumptions, or get attached to anyone or anything. You just have to keep reading

The story and scenery are glorious, set in fictional medieval times, my absolute favorite. The books are full of delicious sword fighting and olde timey speak like: 
"She is a young, high-born maid of three and ten." 

There is much talk of royal blood lines, and bastard high-borns and mead and wine and dragons, but not talking dragons like that BBC show (barf.) Adults like medieval stories, too, and we like to get lost in the fantasy of it. Nothing pops a nerd boner faster than a friendly, talking dragon.

The characters, the good, the bad and the ugly. They aren't literally ugly in the televised series of course. Because television. Unlike a lot of one-dimensional fictional characters, which are often written either all "good" or all "bad," and the author decides for you, these players are written just like actual people. The good ones can be bad, the bad ones can earn your respect, you decide for yourself, and you will change your mind. They are people, they are complex, and all are great in their own way. 

Below is THEE Royal Family of all seven kingdoms in the Game of Thrones, who despite being royalty, aren't the medieval Brady Bunch loving family. This picture is hilarious because their characters are nothing like this.

Left is Tyrion Lannister, hated by his family and most others. Renowned mother-killer (not a spoiler, she died giving birth to him, and no one has forgiven him for it,) and self proclaimed god of "tits and wine," who reminds us with his schemes and plots (same thing,) that even in a time when the strongest man can claim all, brains always win over brawn. 

Even though as many say "Words are wind," there are so many phenominal quotes from this book, my favorite are Tyrion's. He tells Jon Snow:
“My brother has his sword, King Robert has his warhammer and I have my mind...and a mind needs books as a sword needs a whetstone if it is to keep its edge. That's why I read so much."
Oh, those wacky Lannisters. One for the mantel at Casterly Rock.
from m.tapiture.com

The woman is the famously beautiful and golden Cersei Lannister, determined to change her destiny, and next to her is her twin, Jamie. They have a.....special bond.

Feelings about Jamie range widely from pity to outrage, to a strange sort of respect.

These 3 struggle to impress their barely-human tough-as-nails evil father, Tywin Lannister. He is a powerful battle commander, who has worked his whole life to make the
Bad-ass Tywin Lannister
from memeslanding.com
Lannister family rich, famous and feared. There is a saying throughout the seven kingdoms that "a Lannister always pays his debts." This holds true of more than just coin.


These 3 children seem to be made of pure, molten evil but in moments of weakness, they reveal their human, redeeming qualities and make you question your initial opinion of them, and of all people. 

If these pathetic, power-hungry seemingly hopeless disappointments to their father can even have good qualities, can all a-holes? 

Can I? can you? We can, says Martin.

Here is Jon Snow and Samwell Tarley, two average Joes who become unlikely heroes, as the Men in Black. 


These two have sworn to "take the black," or join The Night's Watch. This means they give their lives to protect The Wall, and live at Castle Black, swearing off women and having their own families. The Wall was built to keep the white walkers, basically zombies, from bothering the rest of Westeros. These zombies are fierce, fast-moving zombies. Thankfully, they never refer to them as zombies, so you're not immediately sick of them.

Jon shows us how we can become more than our mere station in life, with hard work and a fierce fortitude to keep your word, that anything is possible. Sam is not good with a sword, his sworn brothers think he is weak, but he is smart, he reads many books and despite his father's low opinion of him, he makes himself very useful to his brothers and all the Seven.

Up North on The Wall it is always snowing. That is why Jon Snow has his name. All fatherless children born in the north are given the last name of Snow. 

A forecast for Westeros, where "Winter is Coming." Always.
The women especially, they are strong and fierce. One is fire-born, literally, in one of the best things that has ever happened in my life, on television or not. She is the Mother of Dragons. She overcomes the terrifying savage people her sniveling brother have pawned her off to like property, to become their fierce, fearless leader. 
from serenity2bliss.tumblr.com
Their unlikely love makes you question every thought you have ever had on love and loyalty. 
Drogo calls Daenerys "Moon of my Life" and 
Daenerys calls Drogo "My Sun and Stars.
I am the opposite of romantic, but if you can watch this show and not start saying that, you are probably dead inside.

One of my favorite characters is a child of 9, Arya Stark. Her family is high-born, but unlike her sister, Sansa, a noble lady who says and does exactly as she is supposed to, Arya likes sword fighting and would rather play with her direwolf, or Needle, the knife her half-brother Jon Snow gave her, than learn dancing or lady needlework. 

Arya is a warg, she is able to enter the mind of her direwolf, which is just a giant wolf. Arya is a survivor, overcoming great adversity and adapting to every unimaginable thing the author throws at her. I hate to give anything away, but trust me you will love her and start calling all strong women Arya.
from awoiaf.westeros.org
Her sister, Sansa, becomes an unlikely hero as well. As most characters in this world, you start out feeling one way about her, that she is a whiny little girly-girl, and soon her actions change your opinion of her.

Sansa is a proper lady, and like all girls of her station, she only wants to marry a high-born Lord and raise proper, well-mannered children. She goes on to shine a whole new light on survival, without swords and fighting, and shows a different kind of inner strength. At one point Tyrion Lannister tells her: 
"Lady Sansa, you may just survive us yet."

Another amazing Westerossy woman is Brienne. (Pronounced Bry-een) A warrior in a time when women were ladies. She is awkward, over six feet tall, and in the books very unattractive, mockingly called Brienne the Beauty. Thanks to HBO she is played by a beautiful woman with short, messy hair. I can't explain why these characters are so amazing without giving things away, but she kicks major man-hams when she needs to, she is very honorable and loyal to her own detriment, you come to love her and root for her. 
Yes, you will LOVE Brienne the Beauty.
from the gothamist.com
Sorry, that is as far as this post went. 

The other characters are as amazing and complex and multi-level, I just didn't have time to get into them. Mayhap I will come back and finish, but probably not today or "on the morrow."

I hope it was informative and you got a chuckle of out it!

2013-09-12

DIY Weird Halloween Costumes

I like Fall the season a lot more than Fall the verb. The season is significantly less painful for me. It doesn't put me in a dog fight against gravity, and the air is less humid in the Midwest, making it much easier for asthmatics to fulfill their constant need for air to breathe.

Like gold, Fall can never stay, Ponyboy. We usually have maybe 2 or 3 weeks in Chicago in between "way too hot" and "way too cold" and during that time? It rains. A LOT.

One of my favorite things about Fall is Halloween. I like to make my costumes, mostly because I'm cheap but it sounds cooler to pretend I care about being original. Paint it any color you want, it's usually easy and entertaining.

My favorite DIY costumes from the past are:

Static Cling. Easy. Safety pin socks and dryer sheets all over, tease your hair into sticking straight up.

The Latest Drugged-Out Celebrity. So easy. Roll out of bed, smear extra makeup around your face, maybe some dried oatmeal. Bam. I was Uma Thurman one year post-O.D. from Pulp Fiction, complete with a syringe sticking out of my chest. That was a great one because at a party I went to, someone was Uma PRE-O.D., lots of pictures which I cannot find. 

One year I went to the Goodwill looking for 70's clothes to be Dana Plato (from Different Strokes, yeah it was a long time ago) and I stumbled across a rainbow sweater. I already had cheap Goodwill roller skates at home, so my brain
from zazzle.com
immediately screamed "Tootie!" ala Facts of Life.


Tootie involved the rainbow sweater, jean skirt, roller skates, fake braces I made with a piece of wire, and headphones around my neck. I will look for that picture, no idea if I'll find it.

I did find a rando picture of my sisters and me, all donned in various dresses from Goodwill.
Moe as Cleopatra, Binky as Cher, Me (NO bueno blonde) as Marsha Brady


As Tootie, I sported major costume wood wearing roller skates everywhere on Halloween, so for the next few years I went as a Roller Derby Girl. I wore whatever jersey I could find, shorts and shiny tights, pig tails, arm and knee bands and we had fake (and some very real) wrastlin' matches in bars in the Chicagoland area. I still have a tiny scar on my wrist.

Tornado Victim. Similar idea, roll out of bed, mess up hair, makeup, clothes, attach random outdoor things to your body. The weirder the better.

Charlie's Angels. We found tons of 70's clothes at Goodwill, Farrah'ed our hair and rolled on the blue eye shadow. My mom is pictured here dressed as Boz. She really nailed it. She walked around with that big, clunky plastic phone all night. From left my sisters, then me, then Boz.
Sister Moe is Kate; Sister Binky is Farrah, Jacquelyn is me; My Mom IS Boz
Flatware. My son wanted to be a FORK for Halloween in 1st grade. He wore gray shirt and sweats, we cut a fork shape out of cardboard and spray-painted it silver. Done.

Any Costume "In A Car Accident." Take any costume and make it look like you were in a horrible accident. A group of us were a wedding party that had been in a car accident. We found an old wedding dress, a man's suit w/bow tie at Goodwill, black bridesmaid dresses and basic dressy pants/shirts for the guys, then glued things like broken champagne bottle and glasses, bloody flowers, all over us. Gross but effective.

In a pinch, these are easy:

Ninja. Wear all black.

CIA Agent. Whatever dress clothes you own, say you can't talk about your costume because it's "Classified." 

Jake From State Farm. Also could be a Target Employee. Beige khaki pants and a red shirt. You could add a phone for Jake.

I never said these were good, these are just easy.

Grapes. Purple balloons taped to a black garbage bag.

Person in bath. Build a cardboard tub, wear beige shirt/pants, attach little white balloons as bubbles.

Zombie anything. Go to the Goodwill, whatever costume you can find can become Zombie Cheerleader, or Zombie Cowboy, etc. 

Elvis Skeleton. Black outfit, spray paint bones or glue plastic skeleton and add tons of sequins and an Elvis-looking wig.

I recently pinned this and a few others to my Pinterest:

Cereal Killer. Glue mini cereal boxes all over you with fake blood. If you have time, you can attach small fake knives, but not necessary. There is a picture if you click "Pinterest.". 

Dirt Bag. aka Pot Head.
ideas.coolest-homemade-costumes.com
Get the largest bag of potting soil you can find, empty it into your backyard, wipe out the bag, duct tape the arm/neck holes, put a flower or a flower pot on your head and maybe wear some green jeans/pants/leggins/tights. 

Google "Easy DIY Costumes" and have fun. 

Keep in mind WHERE you are going, how long you will be there, how much you will be walking, will you be sitting, how much do you realistically think you'll be drinking, etc? 

That grapes costume is great, until 6 beers later you have to take that huge garbage bag off every time you have to pee.

Don't ever forget to make it COMFY.