The Strangle Is Real

Quick post to say "Hello my friends on the internet. I miss you so," and let you know why I've been neglecting you.

It's not you, it's me.

Summer, watching extra kids, taking on extra computer work, dragging my 3 yr old kicking and screaming to the potty 20 times a day, and trying to re-introduce my body to exercise (barf!) have kept me "busier than a puppy with two peters." I feel tempted to include a picture, but also afraid to Google that.

Don't worry, I'm not going all Maria Kang on you. I'd rather resolve to wearing nothing but judges robes and graduation gowns every day for the rest of my life.

It's just that my clothes are at their very limit. They still fit. Much in the way Bruce Banner's clothes still fit The Hulk. They're on, technically. Mostly.
"I WISH I were this tan, though!" from comicvine.com
They're making me quite uncomfortable. And they're mostly stretchy-type clothes so that's really saying something.

I hate shopping for clothing, and the paying for it part is making that not a realistic option. If I go one size bigger than I wear I'll have to have my clothes special ordered. The neckholes will be so large everything will just fall right off. 

My gym shoes feel like they have my feet in a headlock after about an hour. If I opt for the next half size up, they're too big for someone already very clumsy. So I tough it out. By afternoon I'm dying to take them off and throw them out the window. This must be why you see shoes abandoned on the side of the road. The Foot Strangle Is Real y'all.
There are entire Pinterest boards
dedicated to abandoned shoes.
I am thisclose to just wearing crocs every day, but since I'm not a famous charasmatic TV chef I doubt I could pull that off.
Whatever, I love this guy.
from gawker.com
I started participating in something called The Gravity Challenge. It made me cringe at first, you have to weigh yourself and send the picture of the numbers to your friends. Who PUBLISH that picture on the internet.
from pragmaticobotsunite.com
I thought I didn't care about the numbers, but just SEEING them for the first time in 2 kids and then thinking about OTHER PEOPLE seeing them freaked me out a little bit. The image of that number haunted my brain all through the day for a good 3 days. It made me not want to eat anything. How did it get so bad so quickly? So yeah, time to start at least thinking about thinking about it.

I started by just making better decisions, a little less sugar, a lot more water. I throw down a salad now and then. I do, however, remain firmly against kale

I am at least a Colonel in the War Against Kale. I can't find that meme I made that says "Kale tastes like f*cking spiders" but know that it still does. 

I said years ago, before Jim Gaffigan put it in his stand-up routine, that if kale is the only way to avoid cancer? I'll take the chemo. Every time. 

Kale is grown by heartless people in haunted caves and that place where Voldemort hid the necklace horcrux, and I do not need that level of evil inside my body right now. I would definitely go all Ron Weasley and start saying terrible things to people about their dead parents and whatnot. I'll pass.
This is me when I tried kale. I'll stick with lettuce and spinach. With fattening salad dressing because let's face it, I'm not going for a shiny magazine shoot anytime soon.

More water, kaleless salads and a few less carbs were enough to knock a couple pounds off just by itself. I know that can't remain enough, so I'm trying to fit in a workout or two every week. On top of our casual family walks and that kind of thing. 

I know I have to start slowly or I'll abandon ship pretty quickly. I once got a free week with a personal trainer. The dic--dude I mean, told me he would start me 'slow' and I could barely walk the next day. Yeah, that was the end of that week. And ever even talking to a personal trainer again. Buh-bye.

I've lost a lot of weight a few times in my life and I know for me I have to limit calories and exercise. That's the only way weight ever comes off. The slower it comes off, the longer it seems to stay off. I've started posts about this but never finished.

I can't diet food away. Well, I can with the help of pills that are either illegal now, or should be. As soon as I stop taking the diet pills? (Which b-the-w almost rendered me completely insane, yes even worse,) the weight comes back and brings friends. Not worth it. 

Don't believe the "miracle pill" hype. It's a system designed to create yo-yo dieting lifestyle. You take the pills and if they work? You lose weight. You stop the pills, you gain weight back. So guess what you need again? The pills. That's how they make money. 

Realistically you can't take any pill forever. Your body gets used to any pill you take, then you need more and more to have the same effect. At that time the side effects will cause major damage somewhere. Besides that, the ones that actually work usually mess with your sleep. Bad things happen when you don't get restful sleep. Trust me, having a job, and people who talk to you, is more important than fitting in those skinny jeans.

Soooo, I sadly will start trying to fit more exercise into my life. The only possible time I can realistically fit that in is the morning, which used to be the time I used for blogging. D'oh. Hopefully I'll work out a balance at some point. You probably don't want to read the angry things I would say after exercising anyway. 

You know how people say they hate words like "panties" or "moist?" Here are my most hated words:

Anyone have any suggestions? What has and hasn't worked for someone who hates exercise and refuses to "diet?"


  1. Those words are nothing. Try "Burpee." You'll love lunges and squats after that.

    So unfortunately, exercise and proper diet is the only thing you can do. There is no miracle cheat. If there was, everyone would do it. BUT...you just can't think of it as exercise and dieting.

    Exercise: find something you like to do, and do that once a day. Even if it's just taking a walk 30 minutes around the block. That's more than enough. You're just looking to lose a little weight, not compete in an Ironman.

    Diet: you don't need to eat kale and lettuce all day long. Just scale back your portions. Eat the same things, but less. You'd be surprised how effective that is. Also, eat more small snacks throughout the day to boost your metabolism.

    1. Burpee sounds so much like Slurpee, but I'm guessing it has nothing to do with frozen sugar water, ey? I'll steer clear.

  2. What they said about "Burpee" ^^^

    I found that rock-bottom self-esteem, constant rejection and an eating disorder did great for me, but whatever. Also turning vegetarian, re-developing a dairy allergy due to stress, and deciding to cut out sugar-added things (and being too scared to reintroduce them and panicking when they start creeping in again) helps.

    Less in, more out. The sensible way, dear heart *HUGS* And you know I love you ANYWAY.

    1. Vegetarian is REALLY HARD for me right now. We're on a very tight budget, and that low price grocery store only has so many protein options. I do a lot of those meals, lots of soups with beans and quinoa, but can't go all the way there right now. I hope you DO see yourself as others do: An absolute angel stuck down here on earth with us humans. We're glad you're here!

  3. I feel your pain. I've gained and lost probably a ton over the years. And I love your list of hated words!!

    1. NOW I can understand why words make people cringe!

  4. Ugh! Burpee. Most definitely a hated word. The rest of yours are pretty good, too. I did that planking challenge last year and my shoulder has been an effed up mess since. I've learned that I can't limit the things I eat, just how much. I'm a huge night snacker and I've cut that out. It seems to have helped.

    1. You're are gorgeous, so whatever you're doing Sandy, KEEP DOING IT!

  5. I love you. And I, too, hate Burpees. You really need to add them to your list. Plank I can handle. I do 60 seconds every day with some other stuff. I've binged on exercise in the past AND have the sweaty selfies on instagram to prove it. If you're ever REALLY bored you can scroll back about 2 years on my IG gallery and check them out. Funny AND gross.
    Good luck, lady. You're beautiful regardless!

    1. Thank you. I'm curious about the Burpees now. I doubt I'll ever DO them, but I'm curious to see what they're all about. Thanks for the support.

  6. Burpees are straight from Hell. I have had memberships to either a YMCA and/or Planet Fitness for the past 10 years. Result? I weigh 20 pounds more than when I actually followed Weight Watchers. And yes, I do go to the gym and burn off an hour on the elliptical (truth), run 5ks on the treadmill, and I run outside - weather permitting - three days a week. I think it's the booze. F3ck, f3ckity, f3ck, f3ck, f3ck. Less booze will make for a meaner Bitter Ex-Nuke Wife, but maybe a thinner one and that might temper some of the hatred. Hang in there and as the WW peeps love to chant 'Nothing tastes as good as thin feels'. Which is of course total BS. So how about this one 'eat less, move more'. Because Einstein. Hahaha I ramble