From Lizzi at Considerings blog.
Nothing ever happens (but it needs to)
“Nothing ever happens, nothing happens at all
The needle returns to the start of the song
And we all sing along like before
And we'll all be lonely tonight and lonely tomorrow”
Nothing ever happens
– Del Amitri
Have you ever encountered someone with a mental illness? What was your experience of them? Let me take you through a few scenarios I’ve encountered in my life:
Sitting across from the man who was supposed to love me forever, as he explained with deadened eyes that he loved me, but not enough to want to be alive at the end of the day. Hearing that he was only happy when he was with me, and he wasn’t really all that happy then, and it just didn’t balance out how utterly shit the rest of life was.
Flinching at the peculiar atmosphere in the mental hospital, listening to my best friend in all the world laugh, as she recounted how eventually she’d realised her overdose wasn’t going to kill her, and she’d lain in the bathtub for three days waiting for death, and it hadn’t happened (while outside, we who loved her had all been driven frantic with worry).
Trying to keep an accepting face on, whilst a man in that same mental hospital explained that the reason he was alive was because he was too stupid – he hadn’t understood enough about anatomy, and so when he’d cut open his own chest to take out his heart, he’d been stymied because he’d cut open the wrong side, and had been saved, but now was facing discharge from the hospital, and a lonely house to himself, and the thought of that utterly terrified him, to the point where he was planning his next attempt on his own life to get sent back into the hospital, where he could feel safe.
Living with my guard up at every moment, and treading on eggshells, waiting for the next explosion of anger or hatred or undermining; wondering who the next victim would be, and not having enough wits to wonder if this was normal for everyone – then begging for the family to split up, so we could be rid of him, and safe (if he’d already rejected us, and didn’t love us, and saw us as a burden to be dealt with, why stay?)…but never having the confidence to run away, because he would get me back and that would be worse.
A boy and a girl huddled together on a bed, shaking, after their mother screamed and swore at them and told them awful, terrible things, and the girl crying, and the boy, with his bravest face on, telling her that he would look after her and cuddle her and love her…and in the next room, their mother, having slammed out, crumbled to the floor in pieces because she knew she was propagating the cycle of abuse she had suffered as a child.
Hearing sobbing over the phone, as the world of someone I love, crumbled about her ears again, and trying to empathise as she expressed how much she wanted to die, and how she was no good, and everyone would be better off without her, and that nothing she could ever be would be enough, so why bother – why put herself through the agony of living?
Seeing the anguish in a friend’s eyes as he talked of his friend of nearly 40 years, who lost his job and was put into a system by the government which required him to volunteer for normal working hours, whilst still expecting him to somehow find gainful employment, and how this had been too much, and he’d been unable to cope, so had thrown himself from a bridge into the river which runs through the city, and died…and how my friend still sometimes sees his friend’s identical twin in passing, and it sends him crazy with grief because he thinks for just a second that his friend is back…then remembers that he’s never coming back.
In each case, there was isolation, a feeling of aloneness, hopelessness, and not being heard or understood.
The interventions were often inept, or were notable by their complete absence.
And society spins on, focusing on new royal babies, what the Kardashians have been doing with their bums, the repercussions of punching your television producer when you’re the star of the show, and which political party is the most vehemently against which other.
Society trudges against the uphill onslaught of advertising, media, conflicting stories shouting at each other, telling people where to shop, what to eat, how to exercise, when to sleep and why they should keep going and keep going and keep going, and go to bed for your eight hours sleep whilst the needle returns to the start of the song and we wake up and do it all again.
There is little attention paid to those who struggle with this system, and who find the uphill struggle insurmountable. There is precious little funding or intervention or care. There is an abundance of stigma and the preference that a distasteful matter like mental illness please be swept firmly underneath the carpet and we can all carry on without the boat being rocked.
Until someone snaps.
And then their nearest and dearest are left to pick up the pieces and deal with the fall-out, and try to put together what’s left of their loved one.
If there’s anything left.
If there’s anyone left to care.
And we all go along like before.
And it needs to change.
We need mental health issues to be dragged out from under their carpets and placed centre stage in the medical and social care communities.
We need people to feel able to talk about mental health matters or access support services without feeling stigmatised or experiencing prejudice or ridicule.
We need to take the needle off, throw the record out of the window, and CHANGE how we approach this.
But we can only do that collectively, and we can only get collective if people care.
We must appeal to their imagination and their sense of empathy, and make them use it, and nurture that use. We must engender compassion. We must create relatable scenarios from which they can extrapolate into real life, if they have no-one in their ken who struggles with these issues.
And one way we can do that is through entertainment – movies like One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest or The Perks of Being a Wallflower; songs like ‘Don’t let me get me’ (Pink) or ‘Marry the night’ (Lady Gaga); books like Girl, Interrupted (Susannah Kaysen) or Dear Stephanie (Mandi Castle)
I work best with books – I immerse in them, and both those I’ve listed took me to entirely different worlds and made me care. Girl, Interrupted has been around for ages, and there’s a movie version too, which is brilliant. Dear Stephanie is brand new (going to be released on May 11th) and I’m excited, because new and interesting is easier to get people talking about.
It follows the story of Paige Preston; an intelligent, fabulously rich beauty, whose only objective in life is her own pleasure, and manipulating others to get it, whilst trying to battle her inner demons and resist another attempt on her own life. It’s sexy, it’s gritty, and it WILL get people talking.
Let them talk;
And then let them CHANGE.
Pre-order Dear Stephanie here
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Lizzi is a founder member of Sisterwives and #1000Speak, and hosts the Ten Things of Thankful bloghop each weekend.
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Yes, all this is certainly true and the stigma of mental illness needs to be overcome!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely. We've made some distance, but still a long way to go. Thanks for reading!
Deleteboom baby! Well done.
ReplyDelete*waves to Joy*
I agree, Beth.
Delete*waves back with a friendly air gun*
You've had more than your fair share of experiences with mental illness. I love how you acknowledge the power that film, and books, and other artistic mediums can lessen the stigma.
ReplyDeleteAND I got a PDF copy of Dear Stephanie that I can open, not just 10 minutes ago. Perfectly synchronized with this blog post!
*waves at Joy*
xoxoxo
HI!
Delete*waves back, double air guns*
Aha! Clever ad for Dear Stephanie. I did not see that coming, but I've already ordered so I'm ahead of you.
ReplyDeleteI was at a meeting last night (I beilieve I've already told you that) and something was said that made a little section of my brain click on. You know, something that's basic and obvious but never really meant something to me until that moment. "People who learn these skills easily don't develop as much empathy because they've never struggled." Obvious, right? But it seemed huge and new in the moment. And often I'm that non-empathic person because I didn't struggle in a particular area (academics, perhaps). Anyhow, what I'm trying to say is we should elect more people who suffer(ed) from mental illness. Though written out, that sounds dangerous, doesn't it?
Well done. Too often the cry art death is "if only..." it takes awareness top make that stop.
ReplyDeleteI just wonder what it would take for people to understand mental illness as a real problem and demand legislature and better treatment options for it! None of the current horrific stories of mentally ill people hurting or being hurt seem to have any impact.
ReplyDeleteI should definitely order this book now!
Gosh Lizzi, this is powerful, I related to more than one of your scenarios, my heart was thumping in places. An important message, portrayed magnificently, well done!
ReplyDeleteI'll have to add 'Dear Stephanie' to my reading list.
Very well said, Lizzi. I realize how lucky I am that I haven't been around anyone with a serious mental illness, but for those who have, there definitely needs to be better healthcare options for them.
ReplyDeleteLizzi my dear Lizzi,
ReplyDeleteI started to read this, stopped and started again like 4 times before I could get through it.
I mean, get through it without a mini breakdown. I lost my brother to suicide year ago, I was 13, he was 17. Sometimes you have to be ready to read about things like this, even after all these years. I love that you and so many are looking to put an end to the stigma. That is the goal. For everyone to look for the signs, and for those going to a dark place to be able to reach out for a hand before they get too far down.
You've been through so much, and you are the brightest shining star.
Thanks for writing this, as I have nothing at this time. I have to add this book to my list!
So much sadness, my friend. Your positivity pushing through all that pain makes me adore your twinkly sparkle even more.
ReplyDeleteAmen to this! Even as someone with just a minor mental health issue (bouts of depression), the stigma is still there. When I first went to my doctor, I couldn't explain what I was feeling and didn't have physical symptoms... so she told me I was probably just faking it for attention and didn't have anything wrong with me. Her 'diagnosis'? Come back in 6 months if I was still somehow sick, which she assumed I wouldn't be. Thank God I wasn't seriously depressed. That kind of attitude is what leads people to thinking they're alone, and they can't be helped, and to hurting themselves.
ReplyDeleteJeez that is crazy irresponsible for a doctor! Hopefully they've seen how serious these can be before another patient gets hurt. I have bouts myself. My doctor wanted me to start antidepressants again, but it was such a battle of bad side effects and wrong meds last time I'm afraid to start that again. It would help all of us to be able to have an open dialogue about what has helped them. I read that low Vitamin D can have those symptoms, taking more helped. Next thing I want to try is more magnesium. At least the side effects won't be as bad if it doesn't work. I'm also trying foods they claim fight seasonal depression, blueberries and cashews off the top of my head. Hopefully we'll all be better now that the polar vortex House of Stark winter is over and we can get more sunshine and activity. That always helps too.
DeleteJeez that is crazy irresponsible for a doctor! Hopefully they've seen how serious these can be before another patient gets hurt. I have bouts myself. My doctor wanted me to start antidepressants again, but it was such a battle of bad side effects and wrong meds last time I'm afraid to start that again. It would help all of us to be able to have an open dialogue about what has helped them. I read that low Vitamin D can have those symptoms, taking more helped. Next thing I want to try is more magnesium. At least the side effects won't be as bad if it doesn't work. I'm also trying foods they claim fight seasonal depression, blueberries and cashews off the top of my head. Hopefully we'll all be better now that the polar vortex House of Stark winter is over and we can get more sunshine and activity. That always helps too.
DeleteAwesome job by Lizzie here. She is a cool person and great writer. Nice way to help promote Mandi's new book.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting read. Hits very close to home, not just because I also have suffered from depression but I've lost a few loved ones as a result.
ReplyDelete