Not if we were rich. I'm not even talking Oprah dollars. I would be an asshole rich person I'm pretty sure, so if the universe knows what it's doing at all, this will never happen.
|Found the image of the lady at violetcrownct.com|
I would write a big, douchey book on all the ways money makes people happy and it would be a hilarious how-to-slash-pop-up-slash-horror-sex-slash-dramedy, and I would self-publish and the cost would be super low. You would read it again and again and it would change your life. So you should probably start wishing this happens for me, too, because you will love this book.
Here is a list of things that money could buy, just off the top of my head right now, that would make us happy.
Every parent needs a break, especially with toddlers. Big pharma, and cheap liquor stores, know this. There's no 'village' to help each other where I live, and my sisters' children are all grown and away starting their own lives, so I need to find people to pay to help us.
Going Out To Dinner
I never gave a crap about this before having 3 kids. For me, restaurants are a hassle because like Sally before she met Harry, it used to take me 10 minutes to order a sandwich.
NO mayo, ever
All sauce on the SIDE
Add sliced tomato
My Celine Deon heart could go on, but these are the essentials. I feel like such a big fat Fanny Pack listing all of this stuff, I was always certain someone would marinate my food in a bodily fluid. It was just easier to make my own food so it's
Now add in all of the various food issues of all my children, and just planning a meal becomes maddening. Being a Mother of 3 kids is like being the only employee in a busy, horrible restaurant. And they don't even tip.
Being able to tell some poor slob, I mean wonderful waiter or waitress, all of these things so they can handle a meal, is a mini vacation. And these days I am not as picky about restaurant food. At all. If YOU are making food for ME? I'll take it. Whatever it is.
People talk about traveling to new places, but I say why go somewhere if you don't how fun it is? You know you can fly to Vegas for 3 days and have a great time. Vegas is great for what ails ya. Unless what ails ya is a gambling addiction, then definitely don't go to there.
I'm too cheap to be a big gambler, so I thought I would hate Vegas, but it's like New Orleans in that every person there has ONE goal in mind: FUN. You can wear whatever, find whatever, everyone's in a good mood, probably because they're drunk, but whatever. Walk all over the town and find a fun rich person. Or just put a quarter in a slot machine and order a drank. You can't not be happy when you're in a town full of people with access to free drinks.
Those Expensive Movie Theaters With Booze
I've never been a big goer of movie theaters. Or do you say 'fan'? Putting aside the cost, the seats are too close to
What the hell, America?
Is this your idea of Liberty and the pursuit of happiness?
Is that what our forefathers came all that way in a tiny, overcrowded ship with no bathrooms for?
Industrial buckets full o'popped corn?
Enter: Boozey theaters.
We have a medium-priced theater about 20 minutes away that serves booze, but it's really difficult to hear the movie over rowdy people ordering buckets o'beer, and then clanking them together inexplicably. Also the wenches slinging those buckets ask everyone to pass them down like we're at the worst ball game ever. It's one step above trying to watch the news on that tiny television in the bar. Not happening.
|I would much rather watch TV here, thanks. from gonola.com|
Wait staff comes right to your table;
You sit in comfortable recliners:
They bring you GOOD food and booze, like real food that deserves to be written up on a menu.
It's the kind of theater that has last year's movies, and you HAVE to be early, just to find the 8 seats in the whole theater that don't have a spring sticking out. I'm not up on my tetanus shots. Combine that with my borderline narcolepsy, and a nice cheap movie becomes Ground Zero for Hep-C. Or whatever. However, they don't care if you wear a trench coat containing a case of beer and a whole pizza, so other than Harry Potter or Star Wars movies? That dump is my jam for movies.
|Plus it has Personality. Personality goes a long way. from moviecitynews.com|
I'm not even talking Whole (Paycheck) Foods. I would love to be able to shop at regular old everyday grocery store, that takes freaking credit cards, and has fruit that last for more than 2 days when you buy it. Not even every week, just once in awhile I would love to not to have to back to the grocery 2-3 times a week because the frickin' grapes are frickin' moldy again, even though we JUST frickin' bought them.
Don't get me wrong, I love Aldi, our discount grocery store. It's part of what makes it possible for me to stay home with my kids right now. Prices are half of regular grocery stores. If you have never had to shop at a discount grocery store, I legit hate you a little bit right off the bat. Sorry, just being real. Being poor sucks balls full time and it makes you angry. Even Buddha would have been pissy if he had to shop at Aldi.
You don't always find the same things, you have to bag your own groceries and if you forget your bags, you have to pay for their bags. You also rent the carts for a quarter, and they are outside, so if you forget to bring a quarter, you're kind of fudged. You not only have to go inside first, go through the maze of the WHOLE STORE to get to the checkout, because you cannot just walk straight to the check-out. Oh no. This shit is all locked down like a prison maze. One way in, one way out.
I guess the thought behind this is that if someone tries to rob the store, you can see the robber going all through the aisles and call for help and then train yourself in the ancient art of ka-ra-tey in the time it takes for any potential thieves to get to the checkout.
Then when you finally get there, you usually have to wait in a long-ass line, because most of these people are not going to let you go before them. They do not care if you just need change of a dollar, they're in a hurry too, always. You don't know them. You don't know their life.
Also, there is NEVER more than one aisle open. For real. I'm not being dramatic here. They only have THREE check-outs, and only ONCE in my entire life, on a full-moon Saturday of a holiday weekend, did I see TWO lanes open. The checkout lines were still down the aisles.
You also better have some cash because even though they just recently started taking debit cards? They do not have an ATM. You can ask someone for a quarter, if you're feelin lucky Punk. If you happen see someone who doesn't look like they would shank you.
The combination of these things makes for the most sad and crabby group of shoppers you can assemble without giving out government cheese. I mean, *I* shop there. One of my loftiest goals is to one day shop there because I want to, not just because I have to.
Okay, now I'm poor sad. I mean American poor, where we bitch about not having the latest iPhone, and only having BASIC cable. We never miss meals or anything, but this post has taken a sharp Southern turn. I can't even think of anything more "luxurious" than a normal grocery store. That's just sad.
I'm not sure whappened but this is more depressing than an episode of Maury. I can hear the audience boo-ing from their folding chairs. All I can think of is dialing S-U-C-C-E-S-S for the Harlinshar Institute and seeing if I can get me a J-O-B, gurl.
What would you do with a small lottery winning? Please tell me your list would be more fun than this.
Ooh, someone who's just as adventurous as I am. But forget the normal grocery store. Dream big. I'd buy organic. Like real organic. Like, "I just paid $5 for a head of lettuce" organic. Or the organic, all natural TV dinners that cost as much as a fancy night out. Yeah, living large.ReplyDelete
Oooooh ORGANIC. When I hear that word now, I picture a rainbow like when Spongebob says "IMAGINAAAATION!"Delete
I once met a lady who wore designer clothes, drove a Lexus and said her kids only eat ALL organic food. She was the most miserable person I've ever met. You are what you eat.
Mmm, rat soup. I believe in the old saying that "it's true that money can't buy happiness, but it can rent it for awhile." May you win the lottery soon, girl!ReplyDelete
Well as evidenced by this post, I wouldn't even KNOW what to do with it! Other than go to a real grocery store. Isn't that sad? Vegas and a real grocery store. THAT is my Luxury List. I make myself sad.Delete
If I won a small lottery ($100,000) I would be over the moon because that would pay off my house AND my car and I would be debt free and I could quit the job where the office manager is such a bitch who plays the "I've Got A Secret" game and walks around with so much fucking bitter on the African continent sized chip on her shoulder(s) and then I would be able to send YOU $ so you could meet me in...VEGAS, Baby! Where the fun and booze never runs out. That's what I would do with a small lottery win.ReplyDelete
Then I REALLY hope you win the lottery! I know that Office Manager, I've worked with that type of person before. Sometimes they're fun to mess with, but usually it takes all your strength not to junk-punch them. Then you're exhausted.Delete
We would have mad, crazy, barely legal fun in Vegas!
My god...the discount grocery store...I have spent so much time there. One day I will never have to step foot in there again lol.ReplyDelete
Won't that day be glorious??? THAT is the trade for getting older, your muscles may be more sore, but you make enough not to shop at the discount grocery. It's a balance, I guess.Delete
How about if you wrote the big, douchey book about all the ways money can make people happy first, sold a million copies & then became rich and used the money do all, the things your book said? Does it really matter if the chicken or the egg comes first?ReplyDelete
That sounds like a plan. I was working on a different kind of book, but it's not going well. I average about a paragraph a month right now. Perhaps if I started on THIS book, it would go faster? Or mayhaps it would just be a big, sad rant like this post?? One way to find out.Delete
I'd be in dire straights if not for Aldi...ReplyDelete
We would, too. Or I would be working 2 jobs, or more.Delete
Some of them are lovely, the one in the next town over is clean and nice, and most people are friendly. The one in OUR town? A little more.....rough. We go though. Those are our peeps, and that is our store. And they even have a few organic items now, which is a far cry from the Aldi where I shopped as a child with my dad.
YOU GOTTA PAY A QUARTER FOR A CART??ReplyDelete
I'd be out there being a sweet ol'cart getter! Pay ME to get your cart. That's kinda almost like valet grocery carting.
I know, right? Well, you do get the quarter back if you take the cart back and plug it back in, but you HAVE to have an actual quarter to get a cart out of the corral. AND yes, sometimes there are kids and one particular weird Dad w/his kid that ask if they can take your cart back for you, meaning "Can I keep the quarter?" When I was working, and even when I was first home, I used to always leave the quarter in the cart for the next person, hoping it would carry forward, but I yet to ever find a quarter waiting when I get there.Delete
Never had to pay for carts, but I do remember in one of my cash-flow-challenged periods (this one in the early 90s) Target in Culver City CA would actually pay you to return the carts but not charge to use the carts inside the store. You bring your cart back to the cart collection thing instead of abandoning it loose in the parking lot and it gives you a quarter! I would retrieve all the empty carts I could find and then use the quarters either for laundry, or to extend the Target shopping budget. Alas the Target near me now does not do this.Delete
I would hire someone to rub my feet until I fell asleep. But it would have to be AFTER I buried all of my money in the backyard, so that they wouldn't know where to look when they wanted to rob me blind as I slumbered peacefully.ReplyDelete
hahahaha that sounds like pure molten GENIUS. My dad always said not to keep all your money together, so bury some in the freezer, some in the garden, some under your mattress; Diversify!Delete
I just want to have enough money to keep gas in my car, the ability to get out on my own for a night or two here and there, keep my fridge stocked at all times and also go out to dinner every so often without freaking out about cost. Oh, and being able to afford to go to a blog conference or three would be awesome.ReplyDelete
I am totally with you that money actually CAN buy happiness. Maybe not all the time, but enough so that you're not panicking over effing penny all the time.
This is all I'm saying, Kim. I feel like my wants are so simple. I do struggle to appreciate what I do have, I have been in worse situations, that is for sure.Delete
I dont have time to tell you what I would do Princess Douchbag! I love that title... but not as much as "CORN-FUSED!"ReplyDelete
travel would be there... florence , italy... cant do vegas... got dragged out of a casino once by an old bf cuz i was losing so big and was sure I could get it back... Paging Princhessa Douchbaggia!!!!
hahahaha THAT is why I'm glad I'm not rich. I would do stuff like that, sit at a blackjack table just CONVINCED my luck was right about to turn around. I like the people watching in Vegas, and in New Orleans but there you get a lot of rookie drunks, and worse: Professional drunks!Delete
If I had Oprah money I would want to visit everywhere. Right now? I'd settle for out to dinner.
That's hilarious! And I LOVE your graphics with this post. If I get me some money, honey, I'm booking 24-hour massages and taste-testing tours at the Ben & Jerry's ice cream factory!ReplyDelete
Now THAT is a good post. That is what I started out intending this to be, but I guess I couldn't even THINK of anything! Massages, how the EFF could I not have thought of that with my back pain???Delete
Man you need a nicer Aldi's. Ours has two lanes open most days - the rest is true though.ReplyDelete
There are nicer Aldis out there, about 20 minutes away in the town where I used to work is a well-run Aldi. I would go on my lunch break and even when they were very crowded, the lines went more quickly than they do in ours. They would often have 2 lanes open. However, I am not about to drive 20 minutes both ways for a shorter line, that seems anti-efficient.Delete
Travel. First class. And maybe, just maybe, feel bad for the cattle class!ReplyDelete
Oh, that would be amazing. 1st class is another thing I'm afraid to do. I don't know what it's like so flying coach is no big whoop to me, I love SouthWest airlines. I don't mind being herded like cattle, just get me to Vegas Captain Knock-Knock Jokes! But I'm afraid once I go beyond the blue curtain, will I be able to come back??Delete
Joy, I love your ramblings; they're hilarious. In particular, your description of Aldi had me snorting (snot not cocaine). I hope you do get rich because I can only begin to imagine your takes on high society.ReplyDelete
Thanks Bryan, glad someone does! The store IS entertaining, I've had much blogger fodder from the people there.Delete
The only way I WOULD get rich is if Karama is a real thing, then my windfall and subsequent attendance in high society would be the WORST revenge on awful rich people. Remember the movie Trading Places when Dan Akroyd was in the Santa suit eating fish out of his filthy beard? That would be me in the fanciest country club I could find!
You SO need to write this book!ReplyDelete
Right now, I can't even afford to shop at Aldi...damn, now I think I'm going to cry...
Good god Joy, If I had to pick out all the things that were hilarious in this post, then I could right my own book. Laughed my arse off all the way through this.
I'm sorry to bring up a sore subject. Sometimes all you can do is laugh about it. Thank all the gods for things liked canned tuna. And dating. Be sure to date older men, they tend to be old fashioned and pick up a check once in awhile! Even if you have no interest in dating men. I mean, they need company and a girl's gotta eat.Delete
I'm glad you enjoyed it. It felt so ranty, I'm glad you still got a chuckle.
Dying! The "Whole (Paycheck) Foods" to "booze theaters" to the way you used to order sandwiches. I want to become rich and spend my money with you!ReplyDelete
I'm glad you got a laugh. I would probably be even WORSE ordering a sandwich if I had money. I can't even imagine! Obvy I can't imagine if you look at my stupid graphic.Delete
Wow, that's an interesting store you have there. Never heard of that chain, not something I've seen in CA. In fact, in can be difficult to FIND a bargain store in some cases. Once when I was on a severe budget, my only options were Safeway, Raley's, and Target. Now, Target was a bargain compared to the others, but they weren't a full-blown grocery store. I had to pull my cat aside in any of the stores to make sure I wasn't going over my limit for that trip. Shopping that way does suck. I still do it, but it's not as bad as that. But one day, I'd like to grocery shop and not have to add it all up and check it against my bank account so that I don't get to the register and get told my card wouldn't work and I'd have to put stuff back.ReplyDelete
Awww no discount grocery?? Well, at least in California avocados are affordable. I could live off of toast, tomatoes and avocado. Probably not literally because of the food pyramid, but avocado IS a superfood. And they cost around $2 each here in the Midwest, at least. And that's the NON-organic.Delete
I started to talk about adding up the total in my head, which I TOTALLY have to do every single time. Ever try to math with 2 little kids yelling at you?? I quite off eff it up and have to put stuff back. They know me at the store, and know I'm famous for that. I purposely put the stuff I know I can easily take off at the end. Embarrassing.
I've been wanting to check out Aldi...but I'm not so sure about that now! But I did almost pee a little at the prices at the grocery store this weekend...20% increases across the board, so Aldi may be necessary soon, regardless of hassle! The booze theater is overrated and the food sucks as much as the crappy drinks - you aren't missing much. Get a sixer or some good wine and watch Netflix! Great post!!ReplyDelete
I've shopped at Aldi for decades, so when I have to stop at a regular grocery store I cry at the prices.Delete
Thanks for the heads up on the theater. We don't even go to movies very often, my couch and Netflix are where it's at. Plus then I can fall asleep and not be weirded out about it. I haven't seen the end of a movie in years.
All very reasonable dreams that you'll hopefully achieve one day!ReplyDelete
Thanks for reading, and thanks for the support, BB.Delete
LOL your description of Aldi's is so right! And also the cashiers are kinda rude a lot of the time, because they're like, "I don't have to be nice to you! You're at Aldi's! You're here because you HAVE to be here!" Like going to the DMV. Or the Soup Nazi. But the best thing ever about Aldi is the chocolate drumstick cones they have... It is a chocolate cone that tastes like an Oreo cookie, with chocolate packed in the bottom of the cone, then filled with chocolate ice cream, then dipped in hard chocolate, then sprinkled with delicious chocolate crumbles of some sort. I could eat like twelve of those in one sitting!ReplyDelete
Some of them really are rude! Some of them feel sorry for me because I have to.put things back a lot so I get pity points :)ReplyDelete
I'm putting those cones on my grocery.list! I'll put back the broccoli if I have to. Hahaha foe real though
I definitely think money can open the doors to happiness. I'd sure be a lot happier if I wasn't worried about bills all the time!ReplyDelete
I agree. I think that saying was penned by someone who had plenty of money. Or was clinically insane.Delete
You crack me up...wait, the strawberries I bought yesterday are already moldy and I recognise the depression inducing atmosphere of an Aldi store- CRAP I'm poor!ReplyDelete
Well at least you're probably *American* poor, so that's a good thing.Delete