Nothing exciting to report, we spent all of last week outside because Monday was SEVENTY degrees. Today it's snowing ass because: Chicago. Well, probably all of the Midwest and other places too, but I'm in #Chibera and that hashtag is large and in charge on Instagram today.
It was semi-warm Saturday so we fired up the grill and threw every animal we could find on it. Apparently we left our napkin-holder and some other assorted items outside and now they're covered in snow. Hashtag Spring Problems.
I have no idea what's going on in the world because I've been reading and reading and reading the words to the wedding ceremony I'm officiating. That word, "officiating," is that the right word? Makes it sound like I'll be ref'ing a Battle Royale, doesn't it? Well, I will be wearing black and white and sensible shoes, so I'm ready for whatever breaks out.
The first 100 or so times I read the words they made me choke up, because being a woman is some Major Bullspit. I just keep reading them hoping they'll lose their ability to manipulate my woman parts. Like when you say a word so many times it loses all meaning,
"Gum gum gum gum gum gum gum gum" what does that even mean anymore?
Just in case I did get some waterproof mascara. I have no idea how/if that works but the lady at Target said to "practice," along with a bunch of other words I couldn't hear because she had SO MUCH make-up on I couldn't stop looking at her spider-leg eyelashes. I'm lowkey jealous of people with eyelashes. I don't care if they're real or fake. I got nothin. If I don't wear mascara at least 37 people ask me if I'm sick.
Soooo I'm not sure if she just means practice applying it, or applying it and then making myself cry. Which sounds like a freaking blast. I asked Alex, so being the Ever HELPING Husband, he took it upon himself to tell me increasingly sad and depressing things after that. Buuut we've been together for over 10 years so my ability to ignore his words is about at an Olympic-level.
Any suggestions for what would help me practice crying this week? Don't say the weather, I've lived here my whole damb life so I know it snows in March. Sometimes it snows in April. Everyone loses their minds, and we all go marching on.
|How terrifying is this? Also, NO EYELASHES.|
This comment has been removed by the author.ReplyDelete
The video from this clip popped into my email and all I had to do was click PLAY and holyfuckingHELL I DID cry! Oy, that was tough, got me right in the pencils *clutches heart area*Delete
Geez, I suck at comments today. That wasn't supposed to be deleted. I just wanted to edit out my failures. Anyways, to anyone who's curious...Delete
If you want to practice real crying in under 5 minutes.
1) Watch this video.
2) Bawl like a baby.
3) Hug your damn husband and tell him you love him.
Any Mexican telenovela. They've got Lifetime beat by a mile.
Yeah but they're SO dramatic they're funny. And I don't speak Spanish so I spend my time making up bizarre fake dialogue.Delete
Cries in SpanishDelete
"The Joy Luck Club," without a doubt. My college roommates and I were still crying in the cab on the way home from that one.ReplyDelete
Really? I started that book and never finished. Thanks for the tip!Delete
Try to channel Grumpy Cat as you perform the ceremony.ReplyDelete
hahahaha good tip!Delete
I couldn't get past "threw every animal we could find on it." Dammit, now I'm crying because I'm hungry and I don't have any animal defrosted. Except the cat, and despite how annoying he is, I kinda love him. I guess I'll just be hungry.ReplyDelete
We had a whole menagerie up there! No cat though. I mean, they're mean so I picture the meat being really tough.Delete
Can't wait to hear about the big event!ReplyDelete
I wrote up a whole post about it. I was SO nervous, even afterward my stomach was a wreck. I'm silly. It was fun, I'm really glad I did it.Delete
I cry at Dora The Explorer, so I can't help you there.ReplyDelete
Oh I do, too! All that repeating! Backpack backpack BACKPACK. We get it, you're the goddamn MAP.Delete
Haha, practice crying? I just start thinking about when my kids were cute babies. Sometimes when I see little toddlers all those memories come back and I get teary. I think I'm hormonal though. My daughter once told me I had no eyelashes and then she laughed her A** off. Brat. That Gif is actually hilarious and frightening. I like that you're wearing sensible shoes and so you'll be ready for anything that breaks out---awesome. You'll be great, Joy!ReplyDelete
I do that, too! When we watch videos of my kids as babies, and sometimes yes, when I just see a random baby. Hormones are fun! Those baby-head masks are really creepy. Probably why I like them..Delete
I'm almost always wearing sensible shoes, just for the comfort. My feet always hurt anymore, and what's the point of fashion when you're old with a ton of kids? Thanks, Lisa.
WTF is that hairless thing down there? At the blog I mean....!ReplyDelete
Watch Titanic again! It sure makes a grown man cry. Maybe just me but hey, it helps.
The baby mask? I know cReEpY right?Delete
That's a good suggestion. I did cry when I watched that. Then I got mad at Rose. Like skinny little Leo at 90 pounds couldn't just hold on to a corner of that floating thing? She weighed a good 200 pounds, he couldn't have made that much difference, Rose!
Mom: Stupid Baby! Dad: I agree! Stupid Baby! (They spank Baby's bum) Baby: Wah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mom: Here is your pacifier. Dad: You have to suck on it, or you are grounded! Baby: Goo!ReplyDelete