2014-11-21

Fat Pants, Poxes and Four Finger Spatchcock

An unexpected, but much appreciated break in my crazy schedule, giving me time to think, and to some small extent write, again at last.

Also time to start reading, an actual BOOK! Not just any book, Jessica! A book our own Lizzi Rogers, of Considerings fame, is featured in. Look, there's her name ON THE COVER.

RIGHT ^ THERE, her name is there
This is a great book so far. I haven't gotten very far, as I have life-induced reading narcolepsy. I read half a page and my head falls, through no fault of the greatness of the book. I can't make it through movies, TV shows, visits with friends, you name it. 

I'm really enjoying reading an actual paper book again, I miss it! I love having a really GOOD book. It's like the beginning of a great relationship, you can't wait to escape to that special, magical place and leave the REAL (boring) world far behind. This one is fantastic. It's on amazon.com [click that link and get an extra as a Christmas present] for $6.99 and the Kindle version is $2.99 It's a steal at thrice the price.

Hopefully I'll get some more time to read next week, during my unplanned, just got confirmed WEEK OFF! No extra kids next week, only my own. This means no paycheck, but the universe must know how badly I need a break. It's as close to a vacation as I'll get for quite awhile. 

Next week is the day we Americans celebrate the popular story of our forefathers coming this land, being unable to handle farming and...enlisting, let's say, the help of the native people of the land. In exchange, the English settlers (who would not be called 'pilgrims' for at least 200 more years) introduced them to tuberculosis, anthrax, cholera and various poxes. Thus starting the tradition of Thanksgiving. Some 400 years later. 

The plague that wiped out 90-96% of the native inhabitants of New England also spear-headed (sorry) another American tradition you won't find in textbooks: 
The religious tradition of using "God's will" to defend human atrocities, and explain away anything we fear. I don't want to tell you how that story ends, I hate spoilers. 

The moral of the story? We get a holiday on Thursday, where we traditionally overeat in stretchy fat pants (or as I call them: Pants) and take the entire next day to recover. The more ambitious of us can choose to rise early on Friday, and hunt and destroy each other looking for Doorbuster sales in stores nationwide. 
I'll be taking a walk on the wild side and trying spatchcocking, because I like my holiday food like I like my women: Fast and easy. 
Fowl, fowl porn  oshawaogre.wordpress.com
I want to pretend that's something super exotic and kinky, especially after that picture, but it's a way of cooking turkey or chicken quickly. Allegedly. My Diane-in-Law told me about, she's my go-to for domestic questions. 
This is how you baste turkey, right?
I'm extremely thankful we don't have to do any Black Friday madness. Ever again if I have my way. 

Years and years ago my now husband somehow talked me into Friday morning madness (2 or 3am, I believe) in line at Best Buy. That is some of the coldest I've ever been and I was born in Chicago. I wound up going back to my truck and falling asleep with the heat on, until the air was as wavy as gravy. 

Luckily we weren't in a bad neighborhood, I could have wound up in a Chop Shop being broken down for parts to sell on the black market. My heart is black, liver's shot, lungs have always been junk, but I think my spleen and kidneys might get a few bucks. 


Watching footage of Black Friday madness on the news is oddly fascinating. It's like the running of the bulls, where bulls are bargain shoppers with nothing to lose. I'll pass. Now stores are open on Thursday. Going out in the cold to spend money with lunatics goes against just about everything I consider a holiday. 

I'm also thankful my volunteer friends started their annual tradition of handling a balloon in the parade AFTER I was super pregnant, and unable to join them. It also sounds like torture, being under a giant balloon in the freezing Chicago wind and cold...during a parade. It may just be my Sudden Onset Elderly Syndrome talking, but NO PART of that sounds good to me.

Okay, as usual my train of thought derailed and ran into an ocean of tangents. 
Link up here to join in, and give us some things you're thankful for. 


44 comments:

  1. *giggling a LOT at this post*

    Ahhh I'm just so glad to see you back with us. I've missed you, even though you've been kind of around.

    I like your points about Turkey day and black friday. And I'm glad we don't have those here. Sorry about all the communicable diseases we left ya ;)

    Aaaaaaand 'spatchcock' is one of those words which just ALWAYS makes me laugh. Even though I know what it is.

    YAY JESSICA! It is IMMENSELY gratifying how much you're enjoying it, and thank you for being so delightfully vocal about it. You're a ROCKSTAR and I'm glad you love it :D

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    1. Hey my people came from there, so those are my people's poxes! I just love whenever some super religious person gets all judgey about something I like or how our country is "suddenly going to hell in a cornacopia" and gets all preachy around holiday time. I just want to look them SQUARE in the eye and remind them how Human Beings have Historically been violently awful people. We're humans, we're the worst. We're also the best. It's part of being human.
      I hear you, I've been saying "Spatchcock" like I have Turkey Tourrettes Syndrome. It's fun to say.
      I'm totally enjoying it. Fell asleep prematurely last night but got through several pages before the little ones woke up this morning, so I'll be tweeting a great quote. There are SO MANY great lines! I do love it. I'll read it again and again. It's one of those gems!

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  2. Happy you have some days off. We can all use a holiday. Some of my family members are Black Friday shoppers - it's not for me. We opted out of the turkey thing long ago and enjoy a feast from the sea instead. I am convinced the Pilgrims ate fish as well as turkey on that First Thanksgiving celebration. It's a lovely story - without the reality of the diseases, the hardship the God-invoked excuse for terror. Have a lovely week.

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    1. I have to think you're right about the fish. Not just because my doctor ordered me to consume more Omega 3s, but also fish are THERE and pretty easy to catch. It seems unlikely fish would not have been a staple of their meals. The reality of that time is kind of upsetting. Some of the stories are actually horrifying.
      Thanks for reading, Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.

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  3. Yay for days off! I am about to start part time babysitting/nanny job.

    Love the true to life story of Thanksgiving.

    I never bonded with digital readers. I need a book in my hands. I need the paper. the weight the feel all of it.

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    1. There seems to be some debate (and smoke and mirrors) about the real story of Thanksgiving, but I can tell you that we didn't start celebrating until the 1800's, NOT the late 1400's, and the word pilgrim wasn't even around until the 1800's. All I'm saying.
      I'm with you on the PAPER! Nothing feels, smells and reads like it. I don't care if I AM honorary elderly, I love me some paper!

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  4. Yay, and welcome back! Good luck with your turkey and your spatchcocking. I've never cooked a turkey myself and hope to wait as long as possible to do so.
    I have that same kind of narcolepsy. I wish I could recover. So annoying.

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    1. You know I was REALLY nervous about it, but I've been roasting chicken ever since I found this porcelain thing for "beer-butt chicken." Instead of balancing a chicken on a tin can, you put beer or whatever in this container and put the chicken OVER it. It's literally all I do to prep the chicken before cooking. The turkey isn't much more work. All that stuff about putting stuffing inside? NOT NECESSARY. Michael Symon says that dries out your turkey. Once I got over actually touching raw poultry, I realized it's not so bad. Other than the touching of raw poultry. But if you wash your hands, you get over it.

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  5. Jessica is an AWESOME book! You'll like it!

    I don't do that Black Friday bullshit any more either. At least, not in stores. I do my shopping online, which allows me to drink coffeh, be in my pajamas, and not move while buying my gifts.

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    1. I'm with you! I wish there were more deals for Cyber Monday. I do a lot of e-bay and sites for used stuff. Because; Cheap and also I'll play the whole "Recycle: Reuse" card. And COFFEH!

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  6. Thank you, Dr. Joy! You've given me a diagnosis when no other expert could -- "Sudden Onset Elderly Syndrome." Is there a pill we can take for that, LOL? I mean, besides a laxative.

    Enjoy your week off! Do some things "just for you."

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    1. There's no other way for me to explain my constant fatigue and low tolerance to annoyance. I feel like I'm slowly starting to age into my crabby personality. I don't know about the pills, I take TONS of vitamins and Benefiber powder, which DOES help :) I like to drink smoothies, they're easier than eating actual fruit. but they don't give me much energy or vitality. Obviously.
      Thanks, I shall try with my own 2 kids! Hope you're enjoying your time off from blogging! Are you back now? I guess I'll go to your blog and find out!

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  7. OMG I saw Spatchcocking and I knew you were back!!!! I missed you!!!!! It does sound dirty btw. No black friday here either.... I have never done that and hope to die saying that same statement. Happy Thanksgiving! So nice to read this this week as you know I SUCK at hopping around during the week and am so old I need a reminder of even lovely people's existance out here in the blogosphere! z~

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    1. ha, glad you caught the Bat-signal. I missed YOU. I've seen your poems in my emails about Skip, but my phone and leaving comments don't mix. I hear about keeping up with the blogses, I'm awful lately, too. Too much life in between the fun parts!

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  8. OMG, I LOVE your tweet. I am laughing so hard over here, because that is so true! At least, it used to be when I was a few years younger. Now I have a couple of glasses of wine or bottles of beer and fall asleep because my kids and jobs make me so tired. But back in the day, Thanksgiving was party day/night! Anyway, I loved the hell out of this post. I need to get that book. I think Lizzi is hilarious!

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    1. Well, I'm about the same w/drinking these days, but on holidays sometimes it's for medicinal purposes. I remember one Thanksgiving my sister was hung over and literally laid out across the floor of my oldest sister's townhouse all day in her pajamas. My father kept stepping on her, saying she deserved it.
      Lizzi is a fantastic fiction writer, as is Helena! It's a great book, especially if you like scary stories.

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  9. Welcome back!! Good to see you haven't changed a bit. :)

    My husband was in a parade two years in a row when he lived in Minnesota. The parade was in January or February. I thought and still think he was nuts to do such a thing. I'm with you on the balloon people you work with. I don't understand why people would go watch a parade in the cold, let alone work one.

    I want no part of Black Friday. Of course, my husband takes my kids to the Football Hall of Fame every year the day after Thanksgiving, since kids get in free that day AND they come out with serious swag. (Is that the word? I'm also elderly and don't know if I correctly use the kids' terms.) At least $40 of merchandise from the winning Super Bowl team of the previous year. It's kinda like Black Friday, with the number of people going through there.

    I just bought a Kindle version of Jessica. While I love the smell and feel of a new book, I love my Kindle more. I'm a bit nervous to read the book. I'm not good with scary stories.

    Enjoy your week off!

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    1. I hear some people like parades, and I know it takes all kinds to make this world so I say, let em HAVE IT. Never been a fan of parades, only when they throw candy. Then I realized I could buy my own candy, kinds I really like, and that's it, no more parades for me, Ma. The Football Hall of Fame sounds like a much better plan! Somewhere I have a picture of one of my ex-BIL's fake choking me in front of OJ Simpson's bust. Yeah, we were not exactly what you might call tactful. I feel like SWAG is the perfect word, since when I used the word it meant "Stuff We All Get" as in the marketing material from trade shows and whatnot.
      I do like the IDEA of getting books delivered to your reading device, and not having to return them by a certain date, which I've always been challenged with.

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  10. Great list! I feel the same about Black Friday. I did it years ago, when it was the regular old black friday not the insane Blackest of Fridays it is now.

    For Turkey Thursday, we attempt to make a usual portions meal, although my mansons have the appetites of giants.

    I loved following all of your tangents and whirly giggles. I am sharing that tweet.

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    1. "blackest of Fridays" indeed. Thanks, it's always nice to have someone willing to follow along!

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  11. OMG I only cooked a turkey twice (ok once from scratch and once from one of those Whole Foods packs where they are supposed to be 1/2 cooked) and BOTH times it took like a bazillion hours more than it was supposed to and all the other shit got old and dry and it just SUCKED. This year, my hubs is having minor surgery on Monday so um we do't even know how T day will be... and um do you remember my post last year about Black Friday? Probably not, but dude it was baaaad... so yeah.

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    1. Sorry about your husband's surgery, hope all goes very smoothly and one of your nice, loving neighbors drops off a whole complete cooked dinner! Eh, I can dream.
      It does take a bazillion hours for those fat bastard turkeys. If you get a smaller one, it's not so bad. Spatchcocking is supposed to make it take less time, stay tuned for the comedy of errors that may come from this experience.
      I will have to look back for that Black Friday post, I did read a few last year but pardon my broken brain I don't remember specifically what happened in yours.

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  12. Joy! Joy! Joy! I have missed you so, so much! You make me laugh so hard and it's always just what I need. It started with your title. Spatchcock. I clapped my hands and settled in because I just knew it would be my medicine for the day. I'm almost done with Jessica. I was so close to finishing last night but got derailed. As is the norm around here. It's good though and I love that Lizzi's name is on it. And Michelle. And Helena. It's just awesome!

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    1. It's totally making me laugh, along with another word we learned today about outdoor plumbing that I totally cannot remember right now. It sounds dirty but isn't.
      I know what you mean, it's cool to walk around with a book that has the names of people we regularly interact with.

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  13. lol
    no, you did totally fine and (by my count), you gots at least 10 items*
    good to see you back on the beat… summer has a way of disrupting the life virtual what with that 'warm outdoors' thing, but now that we're back in the pre-hyperbole season (weatheristically-speaking) we're getting back into the Friday Night vidchats,
    so next week, watch a computer near you… though with the Feast of St Roger coming up, it might be the next Friday.

    What's not to like about parades that have giant balloon representations of cartoon characters from the 1940s?


    * while you were on sabbatical, we discovered a section of the Book of Secret Rules (aka the Secret Book of Rules) that totally allows items of 'hypo-gratitude'…. so you totally set this week

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    1. I will keep an eye for the vidchats, I saw that one was going down but my 2 yr old has been having a lot of....moments, let's say. One such time is bedtime, where she goes in her bed and IMMEDIATELY stands up declaring "I can't sleep!" Adorable, until the tears. Not sure what the issue is, but this too shall pass. Eventually. The point is, I have to either stay in there until she stops crying, or at least keep putting her back in her bed over and over until she eventually passes out from exhaustion, by that time I'm usually at least half asleep either on the floor of their room or in the hallway. I might need to learn to crochet to build an elaborate webbing over her bed, so at least she can't escape. Unless we come up with a better plan.

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  14. Hey, Joy, great to see you! And yes, Jessica is a great book. Reviewed it and ordered a copy too! Have a happy Thanksgiving!

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    1. Glad to be back! Can't wait to join the hop again too. I want to write a review for the book, if I ever finish reading it!

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  15. I seriously love your sense of humor. Too funny! Your chickens picture made me laugh! I haven't read an actual hard cover book in so long! I should do that. You're making me want to! I've actually never gone out to shop on black Friday. When I worked in retail after I worked I went and bought a couple of things, but that is all. So glad you were able to stop in and linkup with us again by the way!

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    1. Thank you, I'm glad someone appreciates the silliness. It's hard to read actual books with little ones around, by the time they're asleep we're falling asleep. You're not missing anything on Black Friday, a lot of shoving and waiting in lines. I'm glad i was able to link up again finally too.I missed it.

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  16. I agree with you about Black Friday shopping. I've been in the past, but I definitely prefer online shopping to facing the crowds. You are probably right about the parades, too, but the idea of being part of that sounds kind of fun. Of course, I might feel differently once my fingers went numb from cold!

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    1. Luckily more and more companies are offering the same specials online as in the stores. Hopefully Cyber Monday will expand out to more than just apparel. I've heard of SOME electronics offerings this year, seems like a given to me and hopefully it will catch on. A lot of people do love parades, I think I'm just an old crabby man in my soul.

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  17. My mother in law is "Murican which means that my husband is a half breed. We get to take part in your celebration of TB and small pox I suppose. My mother in law who owns a wicked mullet cooks her turkey today, which is Monday, for Thursday. Then she reheats that bitch on Thursday. So we eat mummified turkey and have diarrhea for like a week.
    Effing Macy's Day Parade.
    Thanks America for kicking off the shopping madness.
    Love Canada.

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    1. hahahaha now Cher's song "Half breed" is stuck in my head! I am picturing the most awesome hockey mullet on a woman wearing a hockey jersey, cooking a turkey! It's rad. I cannot believe she cooks her turkey so far in advance. The only thing worse than turkey (yes, I'm American but I hate gravy so I hate turkey) and the only thing worse than dry turkey is LEFTOVER, old dry turkey. GROSS!

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  18. But eating my mother's incredibly bland turkey makes me angry, and the only way I know how to channel that rage is by elbowing old ladies and pushing small children down so I can get to a cheap appliance that I don't even need.

    But really, though, one of our friends works at Best Buy, and he says that during Black Friday they usually just put out items that haven't sold at all during the past year. So yes, you're getting a huge flat screen TV for half price... but that TV is also last year's display model. Hope it was worth standing in line for 6 hours and getting trampled.

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    1. Not to defend your mother, but ALL turkey is bland. That's why they invented gravy, which I hate so I also hate turkey. I know, that makes me un-American but since I also hate parades and organized religion, how could I bring any more shame to my family? That's actually a question, if you have any suggestions, let's hear em!
      We fell for that the year we did Black Friday. Flat screens were just coming out, so we were excited to have gotten any model, but the model we did get was always very dark and not compatible with anything cool. Live and learn, and trample anyone who gets in your way! USA USA!

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  19. Thanks for the history lesson - funny & sad all at the same time. I think I will recite this post at our Thanksgiving dinner. Have a great vacation. What are you going to do - laundry, clean your house & cook a turkey?

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    1. There is actually some debate about the original Thanksgiving, some versions of the story are quite brutal, involving native Americans being forced against their will to farm the land and of course embrace English religion, under punishment of death.
      This week I wanted to do some writing, then I remembered I have 2 small children. We also have NO money coming in this week, so we're visiting family and looking for any free way to fight off Cabin Fever. It's going to be bitter freezing cold, did I mention that?

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  20. I don't know if that turkey's getting basted but I'm pretty sure it's about to get really wasted. (BA-DUM-TSS!!!)

    Enjoy y'allz holiday. We don't have Thanksgiving here.

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    1. Noice.
      You can have mine. Other than Easter it's one of my least favorite holidays.

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  21. I never ever understood the allure of Black Friday shopping. My best friend used to get up at 3AM to go to Macy's and buy every single piece of bedding they had. (Which was great at the time because he only ever uses bedding once and he only gets 600 thread count or higher, so when it came time to change his bedding, guess who got free expensive sheets :D)

    Feeding the turkey beer actually sounds like a not bad idea... Not Coors though, that's not beer. I'm thinking a nice stout. Let it drink to its heart's content for like a month before you plan to eat it, I imagine it's like marinating it. Maybe...

    I have never heard of spatchcocking, it sounds difficult.

    Your comments weren't messed up, don't worry. Any comments on posts more than 2 weeks old have to be moderated because the spambots only seem to like older posts....

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  22. Oooohh free sheets, that is the best friend ever! My friend Maggie did the same thing, except her hand-me-down sheets had small burnholes in them from her smoking in bed. But bless her smoky heart she always gave me this luxurious sheets so noone would try to get her to stop smoking in bed. She's dead now, amazingly not from smoking, but I miss her stories. She was like a midwestern non-famous Anna Nicole Smith.
    She would never drink Coors! Not even after Coors Light tried to make their product seem cool. We bought an already butchered turkey like the namby pamby modern Americans we've become. We could brine it in a tub full of beer. That would be cool.

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  23. Hey Joy! Just dropping by to wish you and yours a terrific Thanksgiving!

    I'm with you - avoid Black Friday like the plague!

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    1. Thanks Phil! Hope you had a great holiday in between workouts! hahaha

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