Not if we were rich. I'm not even talking Oprah dollars. I would be an asshole rich person I'm pretty sure, so if the universe knows what it's doing at all, this will never happen.
|Found the image of the lady at violetcrownct.com|
I would write a big, douchey book on all the ways money makes people happy and it would be a hilarious how-to-slash-pop-up-slash-horror-sex-slash-dramedy, and I would self-publish and the cost would be super low. You would read it again and again and it would change your life. So you should probably start wishing this happens for me, too, because you will love this book.
Here is a list of things that money could buy, just off the top of my head right now, that would make us happy.
Every parent needs a break, especially with toddlers. Big pharma, and cheap liquor stores, know this. There's no 'village' to help each other where I live, and my sisters' children are all grown and away starting their own lives, so I need to find people to pay to help us.
Going Out To Dinner
I never gave a crap about this before having 3 kids. For me, restaurants are a hassle because like Sally before she met Harry, it used to take me 10 minutes to order a sandwich.
NO mayo, ever
All sauce on the SIDE
Add sliced tomato
My Celine Deon heart could go on, but these are the essentials. I feel like such a big fat Fanny Pack listing all of this stuff, I was always certain someone would marinate my food in a bodily fluid. It was just easier to make my own food so it's
Now add in all of the various food issues of all my children, and just planning a meal becomes maddening. Being a Mother of 3 kids is like being the only employee in a busy, horrible restaurant. And they don't even tip.
Being able to tell some poor slob, I mean wonderful waiter or waitress, all of these things so they can handle a meal, is a mini vacation. And these days I am not as picky about restaurant food. At all. If YOU are making food for ME? I'll take it. Whatever it is.
People talk about traveling to new places, but I say why go somewhere if you don't how fun it is? You know you can fly to Vegas for 3 days and have a great time. Vegas is great for what ails ya. Unless what ails ya is a gambling addiction, then definitely don't go to there.
I'm too cheap to be a big gambler, so I thought I would hate Vegas, but it's like New Orleans in that every person there has ONE goal in mind: FUN. You can wear whatever, find whatever, everyone's in a good mood, probably because they're drunk, but whatever. Walk all over the town and find a fun rich person. Or just put a quarter in a slot machine and order a drank. You can't not be happy when you're in a town full of people with access to free drinks.
Those Expensive Movie Theaters With Booze
I've never been a big goer of movie theaters. Or do you say 'fan'? Putting aside the cost, the seats are too close to
What the hell, America?
Is this your idea of Liberty and the pursuit of happiness?
Is that what our forefathers came all that way in a tiny, overcrowded ship with no bathrooms for?
Industrial buckets full o'popped corn?
Enter: Boozey theaters.
We have a medium-priced theater about 20 minutes away that serves booze, but it's really difficult to hear the movie over rowdy people ordering buckets o'beer, and then clanking them together inexplicably. Also the wenches slinging those buckets ask everyone to pass them down like we're at the worst ball game ever. It's one step above trying to watch the news on that tiny television in the bar. Not happening.
|I would much rather watch TV here, thanks. from gonola.com|
Wait staff comes right to your table;
You sit in comfortable recliners:
They bring you GOOD food and booze, like real food that deserves to be written up on a menu.
It's the kind of theater that has last year's movies, and you HAVE to be early, just to find the 8 seats in the whole theater that don't have a spring sticking out. I'm not up on my tetanus shots. Combine that with my borderline narcolepsy, and a nice cheap movie becomes Ground Zero for Hep-C. Or whatever. However, they don't care if you wear a trench coat containing a case of beer and a whole pizza, so other than Harry Potter or Star Wars movies? That dump is my jam for movies.
|Plus it has Personality. Personality goes a long way. from moviecitynews.com|
I'm not even talking Whole (Paycheck) Foods. I would love to be able to shop at regular old everyday grocery store, that takes freaking credit cards, and has fruit that last for more than 2 days when you buy it. Not even every week, just once in awhile I would love to not to have to back to the grocery 2-3 times a week because the frickin' grapes are frickin' moldy again, even though we JUST frickin' bought them.
Don't get me wrong, I love Aldi, our discount grocery store. It's part of what makes it possible for me to stay home with my kids right now. Prices are half of regular grocery stores. If you have never had to shop at a discount grocery store, I legit hate you a little bit right off the bat. Sorry, just being real. Being poor sucks balls full time and it makes you angry. Even Buddha would have been pissy if he had to shop at Aldi.
You don't always find the same things, you have to bag your own groceries and if you forget your bags, you have to pay for their bags. You also rent the carts for a quarter, and they are outside, so if you forget to bring a quarter, you're kind of fudged. You not only have to go inside first, go through the maze of the WHOLE STORE to get to the checkout, because you cannot just walk straight to the check-out. Oh no. This shit is all locked down like a prison maze. One way in, one way out.
I guess the thought behind this is that if someone tries to rob the store, you can see the robber going all through the aisles and call for help and then train yourself in the ancient art of ka-ra-tey in the time it takes for any potential thieves to get to the checkout.
Then when you finally get there, you usually have to wait in a long-ass line, because most of these people are not going to let you go before them. They do not care if you just need change of a dollar, they're in a hurry too, always. You don't know them. You don't know their life.
Also, there is NEVER more than one aisle open. For real. I'm not being dramatic here. They only have THREE check-outs, and only ONCE in my entire life, on a full-moon Saturday of a holiday weekend, did I see TWO lanes open. The checkout lines were still down the aisles.
You also better have some cash because even though they just recently started taking debit cards? They do not have an ATM. You can ask someone for a quarter, if you're feelin lucky Punk. If you happen see someone who doesn't look like they would shank you.
The combination of these things makes for the most sad and crabby group of shoppers you can assemble without giving out government cheese. I mean, *I* shop there. One of my loftiest goals is to one day shop there because I want to, not just because I have to.
Okay, now I'm poor sad. I mean American poor, where we bitch about not having the latest iPhone, and only having BASIC cable. We never miss meals or anything, but this post has taken a sharp Southern turn. I can't even think of anything more "luxurious" than a normal grocery store. That's just sad.
I'm not sure whappened but this is more depressing than an episode of Maury. I can hear the audience boo-ing from their folding chairs. All I can think of is dialing S-U-C-C-E-S-S for the Harlinshar Institute and seeing if I can get me a J-O-B, gurl.
What would you do with a small lottery winning? Please tell me your list would be more fun than this.