Just Shutup You Dick: A Love Story

Great googeley moogeley I hate freaking Valentine’s Day. Always have. My reasons have changed over the years, but I still hate it with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns. 

I also? Hate people who bitch about it. How can people not be SICK of themselves?!

Single people, we get it you’re single, it’s a shitty day to be single if you put some importance on this ridiculous day, that isn’t any different than yesterday or tomorrow.

WE GET IT. Shutup.

Be glad you are not in a shitty relationship, being single kicks all forms of ass compared to that. If you’re that lonely, go to a bar and drink until your standards are lowered. Bring protection and cab fare. Never talk about it again. No need to thank me.

Being single is great, buy yourself flowers. Make yourself dinner. Do what YOU want to do. All day, every day. You don't need another person to be perfect. You HAVE what you need. Love yourself. Take no ones crap.

New relationship douches, we get it. You FINALLY found a sucker who can tolerate your crap, or doesn’t know about your craziness yet. You’re over the moon, THIS is THE ONE.

pic from fanpop.com

That is until you take the lid off your Psycho Box, or they screw up and do something you can’t stand. 

Something that is probably just a totally normal human thing to do, but your friends tell you it’s bullshit, or you saw on a stupid romantic comedy movie that whatever happened is a big fat HAIRY deal, so now it is to you too. But on THIS stupid day? You have someone, you're glowing. WE GET IT.

Also? Just shutup you dick.

Read "Single People" paragraph above, this will be you next year.

People in long term relationships: Either that other person is romantic or they are not. We get it. Either you can deal with it, or you can’t.

Who cares what they do on this ONE day? If you are really looking for romance, bring it yourself EVERY DAY and hope they follow suit. 

Don’t expect miracles, we are just people. Movies and songs aren’t real.

I have always hated any day that FORCES people to do anything they would never normally do. As an adult, I get it now, some people need to be forced to express love and gratitude to their loved ones, or else it just escapes them. If it makes you feel better to have your significant other bring your flowers on THIS day because society says they should, good for you.

We all love people who are easy to please. I guess that is a small price to pay, especially if they never do it any other time. Something is better than nothing.

Just don’t BITCH about whatever it is you receive. DO NOT.

“Great. Candy?! I already think I’m fat.”

“What, no candy? Why do you think I’m fat?”

SHUTUP. Punch yourself. 

We do NOT get it. You are perfect and lovable JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. If you don't think so, why the hell would anyone else? Don't bring your issues into this. 

 Also? Who cares if someone gives you something you think is “cliché” be grateful, you dick.

So, guys especially but not exclusively, if you opt NOT to be romantic or show your loved one how much you appreciate them throughout the year, then guess what? This is your “Get out of Singles Bars Free” card. ONE DAY. 

Instead of making an effort every day, or every week. Seems like a good deal.

Mario Batali, famous Italian chef, made a great analogy. “Valentine’s Day is to Romantic People, what New Year’s Eve is to Big Drinkers, a day for rookies.”

I will never give a rat's hairy backside if my husband comes home with nothing on this day. He shows me his love and appreciation every day with little FREE things.

ACTUAL note The Count wrote me over 8 years ago

He helps around the house, he is a hands-on father, he calls me every day at lunch, he brings me coffee exactly the way I like it without me asking. 

When he comes home from work, he takes the kids away with him in our room to change and KEEPS them in there for a good 10 minutes so I can have a quiet break before dinner. 

He never makes me feel bad about having ME time, or leaving the kids with him so I can go volunteer, or visit with friends, or run errands by myself on a day I really need to. 

I could go on and on, but you get it. It’s the LITTLE THINGS.

He started long ago, when we were dating, he taught me how to show someone you love them without words or money. He paid attention to what I like and what I don’t. He can literally order for me in a restaurant better than I can. He wrote me little notes, with cute little stick figures and funny quotes from movies and whatnot.

He stocked up on foods I liked at his bachelor pad, so that if my blood sugar got low and I started to get crabby, he could bring me a snack without making me feel bad because I acted like a bitch for no good reason. Most importantly: He only NICELY teases me about this. 

You’re shocked no doubt to find out I am a big bitch sometimes, whattayagonnado? HE knows what to do. He plays life like a chess game, and he WINS.

With a lot of little, tiny free things he turned a mean, selfish bitch into a kinder, gentler bitch. He made me fall in love with him. He still does.

He still makes me want to take care of him, clean up after him (now we need someone to clean up after ME.) He makes me okay with closing all the cabinet doors he leaves open once he takes something out, and stand up for him when his friend teased him about it, saying, “You lookin for something, Cole?” (Sixth Sense)

He makes me want to share myself and my life with him, good and bad. He made me write this damn, sickeningly sweet-ass page of SHIT I would never have normally done.

Another ACTUAL note I wrote to him years ago.

And WHY DID I? You may ask. Not just to brag and tell everyone else to SUCK IT, but because EVERYONE should do little things every day for the people they love. 

Not because it’s a certain day, not because you want them to do something back, (but if they do it’s a nice bonus,) not because I am telling you to, because you love them. The End.

One I wrote to him. Don't remember about what.

You chose to be with them. You’ve had ups and downs and shared a lot. This person is special. They deserve love and happiness and your FULL ATTENTION. 

We're all dicks sometimes, and we're all awesome sometimes. No matter which they are today, they deserve to have coffee brought to them once in awhile. 

They deserve breakfast in bed once in awhile. They deserve to sleep in sometimes. They deserve peace and quiet, while you take the kids to the park. 

They deserve a little love note tucked into a place they are sure to find it. 

And if they don’t deserve it? Maybe they will once you start doing these things. If not, put an egg in your shoe and beat it. I don’t know what else to tell you.

Found on CalebWilde.com

Thoughts on Equality, Illinois

I inexplicably BOLTED awake this morning at 4:38a.m. to realize I never set my alarm for the morning. D’oh! Idiot. I had to be awake in about a half an hour. Naturally my brain did that annoying thing where I kept thinking, HURRY and fall asleep you only have 27 minutes now….25 minutes - QUICK, relax! I hate my brain. The feeling is mutual, based on all the shit I forget on a regular basis. 

Then I started to realize I am supposed to use this half an hour for something. For a split second, I thought….. exercise? Hahaha my brain and I had a big laugh at that idea. 

Besides, my balls are still KILLING ME. The balls of my feet are horrible, some dealie where I have two bones that are supposed to be parallel but aren’t. Saturday I volunteered, standing on my feet for most of 6 hours in (low) heels. Big fat, hairy deal, right? When you ARE a big, fat hairy deal and spend most of your life on your knees……crawling around with my KIDS, you pervs….this is obviously kind of a big deal. It was well worth it. I volunteered for Equality Illinois, at their annual “Justice for All” fund-raising gala. 

GALA, I was at a gala. I know. An important, black-tie gala fund raiser for a good cause. Equality Illinois is a nonprofit that was founded to secure, protect and defend equal rights for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people in Illinois. This is the civil rights movement of our time. You know if I am voluntarily leaving my house, AND getting dressed up, it’s a big fucking deal.

And it IS. This gala not only raises money with donated items from artists and businesses , it is a celebration of all of the hard work by this community to come to this point in terms of equality. In attendance are big business owners, television news and weather people, and local politicians. It is a rare chance for me to spend time with people on the news, other than just the criminals. Of course in Illinois, there is a very fine line between our elected officials and our criminals.  

Here is a picture of me with the mayor of Chicago, Rahm Emanuel:

For reasons I won’t discuss, I decided NOT to be pictured with our state governor, Pat Quinn, who was 2 feet from me with his security.

I DID opt to get a picture of myself with Dr. House, Hugh Laurie.

Okay, not really. In that dark ballroom, this charming bastard TOTALLY looked like Dr. House, (and he said he gets that all the time, so no, I was not just drunk.)

I LOVE this event and this charity, not just because they allow the volunteers to partake in the open bar, though I would be a bigger filthy lying whore if I pretended I don’t love that. I have done this event for years. It’s one of those good-for-your-soul events. Any reason for me to leave the house without my kids and have adult conversations is good for my boring soul, but this also lets me meet people I don’t normally meet out here in our quiet, conservative suburb. People who are willing to fight for equality, whether it is fueled by political reasons, or their own personal struggle. People who, just like all of us, only want to love and be loved, and have the freedom to decide WHO that should be.

Most people are dressed to the nines. Young men don bow ties and in some cases more makeup than you would catch this old bitch wearing, young lesbians cling to their dates to mark their territory. There are a handful of delicious, dramatic attendees draped in velvet who look like they only climb out of their caskets after sunset to drain humans of their life blood. Some are just everyday people who want to dress like the opposite gender. 

Transvestites have my respect, not only for their ability to look fierce, wear platform heels and dance the night away in their Spanx, but also for their courage. They have the intestinal fortitude to act on feelings that go against the norm, to refuse to be pigeon-holed, stand up to those who fear them and say “This is okay. Stop spreading hate because I am different than you.” That is, unless they are taking the el home after midnight, then they are forced to change clothes just so they can survive. 

There are many reasons they do this, sometimes they don’t fully understand themselves, maybe it started pre-puberty before they knew what gender or sex even was. This is a whole different topic than I wanted to discuss, but if you don’t understand this, if you have never met and spoken to anyone like that, or incorrectly think cross-dressing is only a sexual thing, I urge you as a human being to please go to a page I will post links to at the end.

Obviously you can go to many other non-biased sources (NOT Wikipedia for cry eye,) and learn a little bit about your fellow humans. The page I will link below has comments from REAL people on why they cross dress. The people I have met over the years that cross dress are not anything like the media have portrayed them in the past. They are warm, amazing, normal, good people in your neighborhood, with jobs, family, and various different reasons for just wanting to feel like the opposite sex, and be treated as such. Some are not gay, some are, none are trying to hide their true identity, as I have heard some people assume. 

It is not in their best interest to pretend to be something or someone they are NOT, quite the opposite. They are looking for acceptance for who they ARE, just the way they are. Click here to read more, you may be surprised. I will put the link at the end as well so you can read on.   http://www.crossdresserheaven.com/why-do-men-cross-dress/

This is a great take on perception, from Anonymous Art of Evolution 

Getting back to my point, the LGBT community only want the freedom to live their lives like everyone else, for example to marry who they love and have that marriage respected. They have had to FIGHT for this. They have, in some cases, devoted their entire lives to one person, always been there and supported that person, only to have outsiders or their loved ones estranged family step in at some point and tell them this does not matter, this is not legal love. Wait, WHAT?

These human beings are sometimes not being treated like human beings. This makes me angry. Don't get me wrong, as a human being myself, I understand we are flawed as such, few more than I, but I also try to learn from my mistakes and improve because of them. Having made numerous mistakes, I am almost starting to resemble a halfway decent human being, and I want others to join me.

I live in a suburb of Chicago, where I feel most of us are pretty open-minded, but those old-fashioned notions are still alive and preachin’. Last year a certain over-priced chicken restaurant, who I will not give any further PR to, refused to serve gay people. I heard a lot of people saying, [typing,] “They are expressing their opinion. They are free to operate their business in this way.” Wrong. If you feel this way, it's nice to meet you, President George Wrong-ington. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but when your opinion causes another person to have their civil rights violated, this is about more than your antiquated opinion. Let’s think about that.

My opinion that tea is disgusting and tastes like EAR WAX is just an opinion. 

This doesn’t really affect anyone, the tea industry (if such a thing exists) is not negatively affected in any real way by my opinion. If I, however, refuse to serve tea to people who have brown tea-stained teeth, or start a nation-wide campaign, appeal to the largest demographic of rich people in our nation, to BAN the manufacture and/or public consumption of tea? Now I am violating the civil rights of tea drinkers who like to consume this vile beverage. The difference is everything.

People who are against the LGBT community and/or their rights are afraid of what is different than their traditional ideas. They often hide behind their religious beliefs and an interpretation of an ancient book, written centuries ago by people who died because they didn't know about, say, germs. This book forbids, among other things premarital sex, consuming that with “fins and scales in the seas” and “…the swine….he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you,” forbids working on the Sabbath, divorce, getting remarried, and apparently certain haircuts: Leviticus19: 27 states, “Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.” 

Pic from http://social.razoo.com

I doubt anyone North of the Mason-Dixon line and the year Nineteen-dickety-six still operates under the letter of this ancient text. 

from Washington Post, 2012

I just wish everyone would focus on the bigger ideas of love and kindness. This book was written in another world. People change, laws are changed, technology changes, hell people in this country convince themselves they needed an updated mobile phone every couple of years, the only thing consistent in this world is change, it’s called Progress. For some reason, we still have legislature that feels it’s a good idea to mix church and state. 

The brilliant writers of our nation’s Declaration of Independence, also written centuries ago, even knew this idea does not work. Our country is based on freedom, freedom of speech, and freedom of government, which currently does not seem to include freedom from government’s Red Tape, since we live in a world where it is easier for us to start a WAR than change outdated laws. 

Our freedom also includes freedom of religion. Thank GOD right? Or not. The choice is OURS.

If you believe that some all-wise, omnipotent deity guards your every move, and has some master plan of the destiny of our planet, and we are merely pawns in some huge chess game to test our faith that has been playing out for eons, you’re adorable and you are free to feel as such. If I feel we control our own destinies every day with our actions, and if I feel marriage is NOT a religious ceremony, but instead a legal contract between two people who love each other and want to share their lives together, I am free to feel that way. 

Why am I still not free to chose WHO I want to spend my life with?

Prior to 1967, interracial marriage was illegal. This notion is ridiculous to anyone not in the KKK. This is no different. The few humans that still believe that gay humans are any different than heterosexuals, especially when it comes to family, obviously haven’t met very many.

The good news? Illinois is a great state, one of the few that has so far at least adopted civil unions to address the marriage issue. According to a web site dedicated to explaining Illinois Civil Unions “…the Illinois Senate Executive Committee voted  8-5 in favor of the gay marriage legislation, which means the bill will be sent to the full Senate.

So what does that mean? It means there still needs to be a full vote by the Illinois legislature, and that the legislation to legalize same-sex marriage requires only a simple majority. When is that going to happen? We don’t know.”

This is my quick two cents. I wish I were a better writer, or had an editor to make this less painful to read, but this was what my addled brain was able to come up with this morning. I joke and rant and hate a lot of shit, but in real life I do try to be kind to people, even those that are different than I am. Everyone is going through some kind of struggle, you often won’t see their struggle. Life would be so much more COMFY if we helped each other and worked together more.

Please remember: “HUMANkind, be both.”

Please read more here.

http://www.eqil.org/

http://www.illinoiscivilunions.com

http://www.crossdresserheaven.com/why-do-men-cross-dress/

Family Drinking Problems: The Diary of a Nomad Mom Subject Swap

This is a subject swap entry, where another blogger and I are given the same topic to write about. To me, this is the equivalent of meeting a lover's ex, a little terrifying because you know everyone will COMPARE her to you, and you know you kind of suck a little. 
(You're obviously okay with sucking, otherwise you would have made an effort to be a better person by now, wouldn't you?!) 

A good read is a gift, though, no matter who wrote it. Our subject was Addiction. 
I don't want to say more, read it to answer any questions. My take on the subject is on her blog, link at the end.

Here is a treat from The Diary of a Nomad Mom written by, in her words "a mother of two pepto-bismol colored princesses who sometimes speak the same language." She says she spends her days "writing helpful advice about how to be a successful expat parent in the Netherlands (I KNOW right?) for NomadParents.com and nights writing what I really think about life, the universe and everything." Her blog is raw, and very real. 

Reading her blog is like reading emails from a friend of mine. She lives in the Netherlands, so prices of things are in Euros, which I find worldly and interesting.


Family drinking problems

It is 9pm on a Friday night and I am up to my usual antics: drinking a glass of wine and writing a blog post that 5 of my friends will read. Sadly, this is closer to social interaction than many moms come. But I digress…

I had an odd moment earlier while trying to decide whether to pour the wine before or after writing this post. If I poured it before, there was the risk that I might forget I was supposed to be writing. If I waited, I was at risk of falling asleep before getting to it (horrors, shudder!). The idea that I could skip the wine altogether was not an option. Why? Because I have a bottle addiction.

Waaayyy back before I had kids, I used to enjoy a glass of wine after a long day in the office. I would curl up on the couch and sip a nice chardonnay while watching The Daily Show. Two kids later I gulp down as much as I can between 9:00 and 9:05pm, when I fall into a comatose stupor due to massive sleep deprivation.

Why am I so tired, you might ask? Well, let me tell you. It is because I had a moment of complete stupidity and decided to have a second kid. Second kids are always the opposite of the first, a fun fact no one tells you until you are already pregnant. My first kid was a sleeper. You can guess the rest.

My second child did not sleep because she had her own bottle addiction. That damn kid could not go four hours without chugging down a bottle of milk.Actually, make that four hours if I was lucky. For sixteen solid months of my life,that kid woke me up every single night.

So she drank and I drank and somehow we made it through. However, many times along the way I thought about breaking us of our bottle addictions. Here are some of the things we tried:

Dream Drink
If you have read any parenting article on the internet, you have likely encountered the concept of the dream feed. This is where you wake baby up before you go to bed and try and stuff their bellies full of food. Whoever came up with that idea never met my kid. She didn’t want to gulp down an extra bottle at 11pm anymore than I wanted to chug a bottle of wine. When we tried it, we both ended up needing to pee and crap in the middle of the night as our stomachs tried to figure out what hit them.

Watered Down
Have you ever been out with someone who adds half a glass of water to their wine because they don’t want too much alcohol? When I see that crap, I want to banish them to 5 hours of time out for ruining a perfectly good glass of wine. Unfortunately, my kid felt the same way about watered down bottles. When a 14 month old gives you a “what the fuck is this” look at 3am, you do not want to go into a long explanation about how she doesn’t actually need all that food. If anything, I wanted to put extra scoops of formula in the bottle. Maybe if she chewed it up instead of drinking it, she would last longer between feeds.

Cold Turkey
This was the absolute worst method I tried of breaking our addictions. She cried, screamed and pitched a fit, her older sister woke up and then I had to deal with both of them without the extra cushion of alcoholic stupor. Screw that!

Finally one day she decided that she didn’t need the bottle anymore. She didn’t provide any explanation. I wish I could say the same for myself. I still need that nightly glass of wine to keep from grinding my teeth all night. Oh well, one family member at a time.

To read my take, "My Strange Addiction" on Nomad Mom's blog, click the link in the subject title. 
http://nomadmomdiary.com/my-strange-addiction/

What Holds My Family Together: Tape

Last time I mentioned my guest blog for a lovely blog called My Personal Legend. I will post a link you can click at the bottom of this to read my entry called "A Mover and a Taper," and take a look at her work. I also wrote a song parody to "Love Will Keep Us Together" dedicated to tape.

Her blog is very pretty, organized and informative, and at the risk of making my own blog look even more pathetic, I was delighted when she asked me to write for her blog. She is moving, so naturally having been a NOMAD for a 6-year period of my life, I wrote a few tips I thought were important when moving.

Then I got off on a tangent (shocking, I know) and started writing a Love Letter to tape, which pretty much does HOLD us TOGETHER. (Mmm hmm.) Finally, I wrote a song parody to tape, to the tune of “Love Will Keep Us Together” no doubt because I had been relatively serious for about 4 paragraphs and could not take it anymore. The song is on that link. It got me thinking about seriously HOW FREAKING MUCH I use tape right now. Hey, it’s cheap. Looking around ComfyTown, I was amazed.

Check this out.

When most people think about what holds their family together they think, Love, Respect, Communication. When I think about what holds us together here in ComfyTown, hands down it’s tape. That’s right, from Duct Tape to packing tape to scotch tape, we use it every day and it not only keeps us safe and sane, in some cases it’s a LIFE SAVER.

Think I’m kidding? Look at this picture of the kids’ dresser drawers TAPED closed:

 Best picture I could get

SAFETY. If I didn’t tape the drawers shut, the baby (and the toddler has started copying her) pulls the drawers open, pulls out all of the clothes, and then CLIMBS into the drawers. Not just annoying, very unsafe. Besides the children falling down, these are CHEAP dressers, they would easily tip over.

Also in their room, here is the cord to the baby monitor. If not taped, it gets knocked down, unplugged, generally thrown around.

FRESHNESS. I wish I knew how many dollars I have spent over the years on chip clips. I’m not sure what it is about them, the little ones love to play with (BREAK) them, the teenager  leaves them all over, they disappear. Now I keep a roll of disposable tape in the pantry for the open chip bags, flour, etc.

It's not easy photographing CLEAR stuff. Clearly. 

Yes, this IS a picture of CLEAR tape holding that bag together. Naturally this is where I STOPPED taking photos of clear tape. For obvious reasons.

I also pink puffy heart Duct Tape. Earth-wide savior. I don’t have to tell you the millions of uses for duct tape. Duck Brand tape gives a scholarship to the best prom dress made of Duct tape. Our backyard slide would be a sharp tunnel of razor blade edges if the edges were not covered by exactly-matching blue duct tape. (Obviously the pictures were lame.)

MEDICAL. From washing my hands eleventy thousand times a day, I get dry, cracked bleedy skin. I’m down to one spot but keeping it covered when constantly washing my hands is impossible unless I tape over the bandages:

 Spongebob Duct Tape, classy

SANITY. Those super loud toys are the ones my kids love the most. They either don’t have a volume control, or those are the FIRST controls my kids master, to turn them ALL THE WAY UP. Save us, Duct Tape-Kenobi, you’re our only hope. Any duct tape over the speaker area will work to dampen the sound. If you can match the colors it brings less attention, so there is half a chance the kids won't rip it off immediately.

 RED duct tape on a red toy. Genius.

ENTERTAINMENT. Here is a cord to a game that will not stay put.

Works great now, thanks SBob

You get the idea. So whatever holds YOUR family together, consider tape. For so many things.

>>UPDATE<< from 4/15/2013 I had to re-attach the arm to my reading glasses. With what?

Do these make me look smart?

That's class right there. Honey Boo Boo would be proud, Red Duct Tape-ecognize.

Don’t forget to click the link to check out My Personal Legend for my post called “A Mover and a Taper,” complete with song parody. 

Hope you’re not allergic to awesome. Or tape.

13 Reasons for My Ovaries to Stand Down, from The Bump

I still get emails from The Bump, a prego/women's web site. I signed up when I was pregnant with my second, and now our third and LAST baby (knock knock knock on wood) is a year old. Someday, the day I update my email for the library probably, I will cancel that subscription. She’s my THIRD child, and I haven’t gotten a useful tidbit from them in years. 

Today I saw “13 Signs You’re Ready to Have Another Baby” and I just HAD to click on it, to make sure I’m not experiencing any of these signs. Nope. Check and check. Not only are these just lame quotes, they are LAME ass quotes from naive women who obviously have only ONE little innocent baby.

My ovaries responded here in RED:

“I knew I was ready for another baby when my husband finally agreed!” -- Rachelle M.  

Would never happen. NOT Ovary- NOR Husband-Approved.     

“When I started packing away my one-year-old’s infant clothes.” -- Jenna S. 

Not a chance. And shoving things in a closet isn't "packing away" just so you know.

“When my first kid is diaper-free, we’ll try again.” – BC Diapers are the LEAST of our issues. 

“I knew it was time when I started sleeping through the night again...” --Becca N. Sleep barely happens in this house, much less through the night.

“We just bought a house with three bedrooms!” -- Amery C. Not even in a mansion.    

“My ovaries started aching for another one!” -- Nikki H. We, the ovaries aren’t even talking to that lady after 2 babies in a row. BE READY for killer periods.

“My first child outgrew the baby tub last week, and I’m ready for another one now.” -- Nadia K. Don’t care. We OUTGREW those non-maternity jeans 15 pounds ago, and we're shoved in there at LEAST twice a week.

“I was ready for baby #2 when I found myself watching A Baby Story every day.” --Christine C. GAG. We are gagging.

“I realized I had far too much free time after our first child turned three.” -- Kayla J. What, she doesn't have internet access?? Friends? Books? p.s. what is this "free time?"

“My son came home from kindergarten crying one day because he didn’t have a little brother or sister to take to show-and-tell like all the other kids -- talk about pressure!” -- Kristi D. They don't have TV? Let him visit here, he'll be thrilled to go back home to his OWN ROOM.

“My two-year-old son tries helps with other babies, so I guess it’s time.” -- Kelsey C. Hahaha This woman is SO STUPID!

“I knew we should start thinking about it when my daughter put down ‘baby brother or sister’ on every birthday or Christmas wish list.” -- Anke B. Let her spend ONE AFTERNOON with the demon baby of ComfyTown.

“I realized I wanted another one when all I could think about were babies!” -- Chasity P. Same answer ^ as ^ above.

Yep, I know my ovaries and I are definitely NOT ready! Oh, some of those poor parents are in for quite a Bitch Slap from our friend, Reality. 

Comfy Log, Stardate 2013-02-06

“ComfyTown Lately” entry. (More of a journal-type entry.) FYI: My NEXT post will be even MORE FUNNY, pinky freaking SWEAR on it. Teaser: I guest-hosted a blog called “My Personal Journey” complete with a song parody. Later this week I will include a link to that, and the piece it inspired me to do about the current ComfyTown. GET EXCITED!

<<Deep announcer voice>> Meanwhiiile, back in ComfyTown… I’ve been trying to post this for a couple days, but I keep freaking FALLING ASLEEP at 8:30 when I sing lullabies to the girls at their bedtime. I slept on the floor of their room for almost an hour Monday night. My shoulder was killing me. Thankfully, Count Comfula woke me up or I would have been there longer.

Baby Buggie has been keeping us (ME) up every night crying and whining. That comes and goes lately, but Saturday she got her 1-year shots, THREE of them, and for the first time she’s a little sick after. She’s teething, I know they can run a fever from that, too. Before this, she would be the same as Lola after shots (minus Lola’s holy-balls screaming >>MELTDOWNS<< while getting the shot), she would typically just have a fever and be groggy for a day, then fine.

This time, she was walking like a little zombie Charlie Chaplin for a day, it was so cute and sad. 3 days later she has a scary smoker-sounding cough. Her throat is hoarse, but that may be from her nocturnal banshee impression. 

She is much worse than Lola, who only occasionally would cry at night. Sometimes Buggy SCREAMS bloody murder during the night. It’s terrifying, especially if she wakes up Lola. She’s gone from my sweet little Angel to “What the hell is WRONG with this baby?!”

Bug’s also starting to be really “active” and “curious” which in Mom-speak means “a giant pain in the ass.” She climbs the furniture to grab anything, scrambles onto the corner tables, falls OFF and gets wedged back there, hits and knocks over the lamps, SLAMS things down…you get the idea. Soo, who wants to babysit??

Lola’s been potty-training, and like a front-line soldier in his letters back home to Mom, I don’t want to give you too much information on the horrors. Maybe when the war is over, I can write about the high- and low-lights, but right now the brutal landscape is too fresh in my mind. <<shudder>> She’s adorable anytime she DOESN’T have to deal with bodily fluids.

Lola’s latest hilarious catch phrase is “There’s an arrow in your butt!” from Shrek. So funny.

I imagine her preschool teachers will LOVE that in the fall. 

We’re handling winter cabin fever pretty well, small trips outside, to the basement, and she is getting more into arts and crafts. She LOVES stickers, and is starting to enjoy PAINTING, yay! 

Alex & I both loved painting with Tinny, especially in the Sunny Apartment days, we filled the kitchen walls with our paintings, and it made us all so happy. Lola will do multiple pages now, so she’ll paint as long as it takes to set it up!

Don't ask which one is mine, you'll only hurt my feelings. Don't make it weird.

These are just HER works. As you can see, my little “Pick-ass-o” is going through her Purple Phase.

If you ask her what her favorite color is, you get a different answer every time, first it was “Green,” now “Lellow” (how freaking CUTE is that? When Max would baby talk, or someone would baby talk to him, I would be all “Don’t talk to him like a baby” and correct him, saying “Yellow,” but for some DUMBASS reason, it’s adorable when Lola does it. For one thing, we have bigger fish to fry with this one.)

Speaking of Tinny, after recently getting his braces off, he started his LAST SEMESTER of high school! *sniff* but also: KICK ASS for not having to wake him up at 5a.m. starting in June. That has been ‘ROOOF STOOOOF.’ (that’s from Happy Endings, a weird and funny show.)

The Count moved to his new office, adding yet MORE time onto his already ridiculously long commute. It’s funny how much I HATED my long(ish) commute at my last job, but now being in the car for 45 minutes each way, just listening to talk radio, an audiobook, or NOTHING, sounds like HEAVEN! Hahaha 

Anyway, he is now home about ONE HOUR a day while the girls are awake. Thankfully Lola stalks him like a celebrity, so that leaves me to deal with the baby for that hour until their bedtime. Then since I’m so zombie tired, I just do whatever HAS to be done that day and go to bed, so we hardly see each other. Don’t cry for him, Argentina, he is OBSESSED with Star Wars The Old Republic, an online game he plays with groups, sometimes my nephew. He’s thrilled not to feel obliged to wait to play his game. It’s great timing.

We still talk on the phone EVERY DAY during his lunch, so he knows all the (dirty) details of what’s happening here all day. I just miss him sometimes, his kicking my ass at EVERY game, except for a very small few.

I better sign off for now, the girls have been playing nicely with toys for almost TEN MINUTES now, so either I fell asleep and I’m dreaming this, or any minute they are going to start fighting and running amok, into the walls and each other.

Be on the EDGE of your SEAT for tomorrow's post! Until then, STAY COMFY!