Scatterbrain's Guide to Perpetual Motion: Guest Post at Snarkfest Blog

You may have heard of a funny blog called "Snarkfest." It's thoughts from a totally snarkcastic mom. It's in the TOP 25 Funny Moms of 2013, so it's (more than) kind of a big deal. This is going to surprise you, but I'm kind of a fan of sarcasm. 

The beautiful Snark-stress at Snarkfest let me guest post on her blog. Definitely kind of a big deal for me. It's kind of a funny post. 

Ever wonder how busy, crazy moms don't get it all done? I spell it out pretty clearly for you. You're welcome.

I call it "Scatterbrain's Guide to Perpetual Motion," click the link and take a peek. Hope you're not allergic to awesome.


Check out her Facebook page as well at Snarkfest.


Mother Nature’s Period Must Be FIERCE.

Here in the Midwest this January, it’s been nipple-sword cold as usual, until yesterday. Today it’s 60 degrees. Not six, SIXTY. In two days, it will be zero again according to the forecast. Blah blah global warming, but I’ve lived here all my long life and the weather has always been a sporadic whore. In summer, we bring sweaters to baseball games or else you freeze your sunburned hams off. 

If you’re not from here, you wonder WHY people live here. Daniel Tosh explains that the middle of the country is for people who gave up on their dreams. As good a theory as any. We do have great food here with which you can build a nice, protective layer of blubber for the winter months.

You learn to adjust. You set your bar lower. You change your wardrobe with the seasons, you layer yourself in between, but ALWAYS leave a few things about for those all-four-seasons-in-one-day days. 

You pack clothes away for the season, but leave a sweater and/or some shorts easily reachable! As a Midwestern Mom I never packed all my shorts away. 
  • Hormones. I don’t care where you live, if you’ve recently had a baby one minute you’re free-HEEZ-ing, the next you’re dripping with sweat. Dear loved ones around us, this is a big contributor to the crazy. Talk to Mother Nature about it. Sooner rather than later please.
  • SAME reason I never put all my winter clothes away, the crazy freaking weather. Either Mother Nature is always having babies, or her period is FIERCE. With everything Mom's Nature has put us through? I kind of hope it IS.
  • We might want to exercise again someday. Just don’t push it. Tell us we’re beautiful and walk away.
  • Less material means less chance of a stain. Everything from coffee to vomit washes right off the skin.
  • Shorts take up less room in the washing machine than pants. With shorts it’s easier not to wear socks, ergo less laundry. (Ergo? Who says that?)
  • It’s easier for our children to cling to our legs. At least down there their noise-making holes are farther away from our ear holes.
  • I heard that in some European countries, you can be denied entry to a church if your knees are showing.

It's January, I’m wearing shorts right now, and even though my laptop is burning my right leg, it’s totally worth it.

Mayhaps Mother Nature just has a lot of bad hair days?

from popsugar.com


Hobbit Movie Anti-Review

Saw the movie "The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey." No spoilers here, even though the book "The Hobbit" was written a hundred years ago and I was one of the last nerds to finally see this movie. 

Anyway, we missed it at IMAX to my husband's chagrin, but since I'm not a dude or a surround sound geek, that didn't bother me. The THREE HOUR running time didn't really bother me either. I AM a SciFi/Fantasy geek from way back. I don't have any idea how close to the book the movie was because I read it when I was like 13. I only remembered Gollum.

Adorable. He reminds me of my baby, she's kind of scary too. 

You don't really need a review on the movie, it's part of the Lord of the Rings, you either LOVE that shit or you don't. One advantage The Hobbit has over LOTR is that there are less characters to remember. 

If you don't like Fantasy, it's going to feel like a long-ass movie . If you do and you're some kind of professional movie critic, it's still a long-ass movie with long, dra-a-a-wn out (blurry action) scenes, and this 3-hour tour [sans Gilligan] doesn't even cover the whole story of the Hobbit. If you are one of those "the movie didn't EXACTLY match the book" douche purists, your head just might explode. 

I mean, The Hobbit was a very simple story especially compared to LOTR, I think Tolkien made up the story for his children, not intending to publish it, and they're dragging it out for THREE MOVIES. Because Hollywood. 

If you're a fantasy geek and just love the escape of it, you will soak in every drawn-out Middle Earth moment and amazing scenery, Real Movie Trailers calls this a 3-hour tourism commercial. I was totally sporting a geek boner, and couldn't even believe I sat for THREE HOURS without getting up to go to the bathroom. That might be a record for my bladder. I feel like I still don't even go three hours during the night without getting up to pee, and I haven't been pregnant for almost 2 years.

And if THAT lovely little poem to my bladder didn't make you have to pee, here is a scene from Rivendell:

from fanpop.com
Right? I don't have to pause here for a bathroom break, that's the great thing about reading, it's at your own discretion. You might be sitting on your own THROWN as it were right now for all we know. It's okay we can't see you.  

Anyway, this Fantasy dork was in middle heaven. The story and the whole movie are lighter than LOTR and yes, it's drawn out, but ANY movie I can see at night and stay AWAKE for the whole thing, should get some award just for that.

There is something magical about fantasy, losing yourself in the movie and the story. There are however a couple of things that might pull you back to reality for a minute to wonder about. Like the dwarves, they have no real home and are always on the move, yet they have really elaborate hairstyles and creative facial hair. WHERE do they style themselves? They must style each other, no mirrors and not a lot of water holes to look at themselves in, yet this is one:

from houseofgeekery.com
WHO has that kind of time?? Another thing that made me scratch my own head, some of the dwarves have BANGS, cut in a straight line. I can see the long hair, the braids, you're running around fighting freaking ORKS and whatnot, you don't want that hair in your face so you braid it, it's a practical hair choice. But....
But how do they cut THESE BANGS so STRAIGHT? With a sword?? I can barely cut mine this straight with modern SCISSORS. How did they do it? Sword barber?
That seems really fricking dangerous, to have a sword or even a dagger that close to your head. These guys clearly live on the edge. They're trekking through mountains, sleeping outside, braiding each other's head and beard hair, must be constantly too because it is NEVER messed up. 

When I braid my kid's hair, and it looks like a homeless person's dread locks in about AN HOUR. These guys fight mountain trolls, fall down from trees and whatnot, are outside swinging swords and *voila* perfect plait of braid. Maybe there is some magical quality to troll spit. Paul Mitchell should send some scouts out to Middle Earth.

While we're talking about it, this movie also sated my hunger for creative facial hair. I seriously love handlebar mustaches, and I'm pretty pissed that with all of the STUPID trends that go in and out, why can't these come back in style??? You see them here and there (mostly in New Orleans and Renaissance Fairs right now) but I want this shit MAINSTREAM! Not just in Movember. Spread the word! Please and thanks.

Another of my (perhaps unhealthy) obsessions is with adorable older men. Bing again:

I love this man, he was on Live! with Kelly & Michael, and he said when he was waiting to come on, they told him to 'feel free to Tweet that he was here,' so he opened the window and yelled "Tweet!" but nothing happened. 

In conclusion, 
movie-wise don't over-think it. Enjoy the magic, the fantastic facial hair and be happy. I certainly was.

For actual analysis, you can search [insert name of search engine of choice as a verb] and you'll find over a million reviews, and if you do look for the one by "A Tolkien nerd" it's good, and he has a great quote about this movie needing an editor like Gandalf needs pipe weed.


Review of Movie “Ted”

I started to watch the movie “Ted,” I posted on Facebook it was because my teenage son had rented it and left it in the DVD player. But deep down I just wanted to see if Seth McFarlane could take his brand of comedy, add swearing, and literally anything he wanted with the *m*a*g*i*c* of MOVIES, and make something I would find funny. He is funny during roasts, and in interviews, he might actually make a funny movie. If you’re a fan, don’t worry, it is NOT you. I am one of five assholes in America who don’t find him funny. I almost find him funnier than Adam goddamn Sandler, (old SNL songs save him) but that’s a rant of another color. Yes, it is ME.

Movie. So this movie was a great idea, and had some great moments. Let me just say that. 
These memes were also funny for awhile
I sat through a good maybe 15 minutes of Ted before I got bored and started googling reviews. It’s what I do when I’m bored with a movie and let me tell you, if you are ever forced to watch something at gunpoint or with your children and you get bored, *cough, cough* anything with Will Ferrell *cough* just go to Rotten Tomatoes.com. Don't make your kids, or an armed gunman, angry for laughing at someone getting kicked in the 'nards, don't be a comedy snob. Just read the negative reviews of the movie quietly to yourself. You can just seek out the negative reviews, and I promise you laughs. I'm a problem solver, it's what I do. You're welcome.

None of the reviews made me lose my water, but I did find out that it’s not JUST me. TWO other people didn’t care for the movie. Most of the reviews confirmed that people for the most part, find this brand of stoner humor, heeee-larious. Like Family Guy.

It has its place in the world, don’t get me wrong. I LONG to laugh at the stupidity of it. Isn’t that why we watch TV? To turn our minds off and just be entertained? My problem is, I assume I am GOING to be entertained. But I don’t fry my brain on narcotics first, that is clearly my mistake. Isn’t doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results the definition of insanity? Guilty. No further witnesses.

I also gave Family Guy a try, but within 10 minutes of that show, I mentally check myself into the Overlook Hotel,
She also played Olive Oil
from Snakkle.com
with a million monkeys typing on a million typewriters: “I am Jack’s Complete Lack of Surprise” over and over and over until Olive Oil comes in and I need to find my good stabbing knife.

People have screamed, “It’s so great. Give it another chance” they said. “Maybe you were in a bad mood.” I’ve tried and tried. Believe me, offended by their pushing the edge of the envelope, I am NOT. That’s the ONLY part I like about it. 

A sarcastic baby, that’s funny. Then he tells the SAME jokes over and over. Quagmire? Who doesn’t love a pervert? These jokes SHOULD be better than when LARRY GODDAMN DALLAS did all this SAME SHIT in Three’s Company. They’re way more perverted and disgusting this time around. The first time I saw the show it WAS funny. I may have laughed out loud.
Did you forget this quote? Tsk tsk. Found this .gif on Tumblr "I am Jack's"

But then there they are again. And again, the SAME jokes. And OH, there it is again. Same joke. Hey I know this joke, it’s the SAME joke as last time. Hi same joke, how are you? How are the wife and kids? Same? Yeah I know. 

You think they might think of a new way to be sarcastic, same. NEW pervert humor? SAME. A new way to torture his mother….SAME. Sarcasm can be different, right? No SAME. But maybe----SAME. SAME. SAME. SAME. SAME. SAA-A-A-A-that-bastard-can-really-drag-out-a-mediocre-chuckle-A-A-A-A-AAAAAME.

If I went on like ^THAT^ for another half an hour? You MIGHT know how I feel watching Family Guy. I want to punch myself in the FACE *hard* every time I watch it. Then Seth McFarlane. Then myself again. Then him AGAIN and then slooooowly……almost gently…..methodically REPEAT this for at least TWENTY MINUTES so he gets how long, mundane and BOOORING his show IS TO ME! AAAHHHH!!!! STOP WATCHING IT, JOY! It NEVER gets better! Sorry. I’m sorry. I’ll get control back from Sam Kinnison.

Ok. Phew.

Anyway, back to Ted. Once I had finished checking my email, making some notes to myself, and reading literally ALL TEN PAGES of reviews on Ted on Rotten Tomatoes.com, I knew the self punching was about to kick in. I could NOT sit there, pretending to ignore it. ALL of my kids were either sleeping or otherwise detained, did I really want to spend this PRECIOUS time trying not to pull the muscles involved in eye rolling? I literally got UP, went into my basement and began wrestling my treadmill out of the laundry room, to put it back. We moved it for a family party, and it needed to go back.

To put it back, I needed to move several laundry baskets, throw rugs, take down a folding table and six folding chairs, move our basement dining table and chairs, basically rearrange the basement room and push, pull and at times SHOVE my old treadmill out of one room, down a looong narrow hallway, and through another narrow door, banging my hands 10 times along the way. 

(Tangent question: Shouldn’t MOVING a treadmill burn more calories? I mean, the swearing alone got my heart rate up.) 

Anyway, all that just to then work out. And THAT? Was sooo much better than watching that damn movie. Maybe the last half got better? I dunno. It’s not worth kicking my own ass to find out.

That concludes my review of this movie. It was an overall great experience for me and my home.

Thank you for the motivation to get up and be productive again after the holidays, Seth McFarlane, movie maker, motivator, life coach. Brah-<<sarcastic clapping>>-VO!

Seth McFarlane, you’re my hero. 
(Ferris Bueller reference. It needed just ONE more vague movie reference, don’t ya think? I thought so.)

I laughed more watching potty training videos with my toddler:
from "Potty Power" which I give TWO THUMBS UP for comedy

Who The Hell Are You?

I’m an old, crabby, tired, (waited too long to be a) mother of 3, trying my best to keep my kids from growing into boring lazy slobs. That’s hard when YOU ARE ONE. But this slob is going to need someone to come to my apartment when I’m old? And clean it. So far that’s probably not going to be my oldest, my son. I have 2 tiny girls, here’s to two more chances.

I both apologize and MAKE NO APOLOGIES for my double personality. My inner 13 year old girl is one of the LOUDEST voices in my head (team Edward? Team Sedric Diggery, yo.) Through some freak of nature and too much talk radio, she channels the spirit of deceased lunatic Sam Kinnison. [Google him young’ins.]

He’s not always at the wheel, but when he’s here? I fucking swear, RANT, say “that shit,” and “this bitch,” way too much, for a minivan driving geeky old white woman. If you need to feel better about your own writing? I got you.

Other times I’m the comfy Mom, and give you the POOP on my babays (and regurgitate all the CRAPPY puns you can DIGEST) and go with things like “the EFF word,” because when you have parrot toddlers around, you can’t just always be all “Come fucking here, I need to change your fucking diaper,” even though I know, I know, it was good enough for MY mom.

Don’t worry, I see plenty that PISSES ME OFF and then you’re in for a rant-y treat. We all have our thing. Apparently mine is hate. My Daddy used to tell me, “You’re too young to hate.” Not anymore. I have 3 kids of my own, and this tired, moody bitch? Can hate some shit.

It takes me for-HEVer to read anything and I’m SICK with the Comfy so if you’re looking for well-written analysis of shit, honey you took a wrong turn on the information superhighway. Go North from Pinterest. If you crave full sentences read an old timey book. You can still find papery ones, but hurry. People seem to like reading off of smaller and smaller screens. [Nothing makes a bitch feel older than technology.]

If you just want to peek through the curtains and laugh at a weird, moody mom and her awesome family, have a seat and get comfy. Don’t worry for the safety of my children, they’re tough little jerks and some of this shit is tongue-in-cheek. I’m a smidge sarcastic. There it was, bee-tee-dubs.

I also? Don’t know when to stop. Look how long this fucking intro is?! Sheeeey-ITE. SHUTUP! I need an editor. So bad. For writing AND life. But this right here? Is a free blog and I’m tired of NOT blogging just because I may or may not SUCK. (Spoiler: I DO. But I amuse a handful of people.) I’m also not sending every freaking paragraph to my smart friend from school to edit, because then it would be her blog. And I want to read what she has to say, and not just make her fix my shit all the time. When she writes a blog? I’ll let you know, it will be way better written than mine.  

Leave me feedback. Even if it's just to tell me I need to get out more, talk to normal people, to take a damn WRITING class already. My son told me to “just google different kinds of writing." Now that’s some helpful shit. 

What The Hell Is A ComfyTown?

It’s where we live, more a state of mind. You can be in ComfyTown anywhere, follow the box car kids, or whatever they call the train-hoppin hobos and do what makes you happy. 

I originally gave the name “Comfytown” to my then-boyfriend’s house where he grew up. It changed my life. It was an older, super comfortable, big, squishy, (H(O(M)E) house. You didn’t wear dress clothes, you didn’t do freaking pilates, you didn't worry about getting dirt on the guest towels, you came in and made yourself comfy. Stress didn’t fit there.

I could write a whole (chapter of a) book on the house, but to give you an idea….
Imagine a house-shaped hug made of puffy, non-humid clouds. As soon as you enter your clothes transform into a velvet Snuggie, with purring kittens for slippers, and the furniture? Is made of freshly baked bread. They serve beer for dinner, you invent your own brand of spin-dancing in the front room, and get into a big, gross mashed potato fight, and then leave that potato mess ALL OVER the dining room until you come back. (Two days later.) You can spill an entire bottle of red wine anywhere in the house and it’s ok. For a clumsy drinker, this shit is Shangri--Sham-Wow--La.
I’m not even doing it justice, but that house and my now-husband, redefined comfy for me. From then to now, I never want to live an uncomfy life. I obviously married the crap out of that charming son-of-a-bee, and had some awesome kids. We call everywhere we live “Comfytown” because we’re pretty much royals of Comfort. It's so liberating we've even incorporated the word "LIBERTY" into our super [not so] Secret Handshake. 

We worry about being comfy and having fun, and not what our design aesthetic is. It’s hard to stay comfy with THREE damn kids (1 drama queen and 2 jerks,) but we don’t argue, we don’t stress, we don’t scrub every surface with chemicals every Saturday just to say “Oh yeah, that shit is CLEAN,” and we still don’t do freaking PILATES. Even if we really should.
If you are up to your balls in stress balls, and long to be comfy? I can help.

The recipe for AwesomeSecretSauce? PLAY. Make a mess. Paint crappy pictures on paper or in coloring books. Dance like a dork. Lay in the grass, don't worry about grass stains, and just be silly. Use the good, pretty plates every day if they make you happy. EAT the damn cake. Don't beat yourself up for being human.

Until I write my complete “How to Succeed in Comfy Without Really Trying” instructional graphic novel, I’ll take you through what makes us happier than most people you’ll ever know. 

You may never build an indoor court for Mashed Potato Volleyball, but you’ll laugh more.