Not Feelin the 'Ween: 10 Long Years

Lately I've been posting once a week on Mondays, statistically proven to be the worst day of the week to publish a post. That's the only day I have a few minutes to myself in the morning to write, or have, thoughts.

I have starts of thoughts, I had something about Halloween starting to brew, but like my keys and any shits to give I have no idea where they are right now. 

I did find some truly terrifying pumpkins. Like this one picturing Canadian female impersonator, Justin Beaver:
I can't seem to come correct with my Halloween swag this year. Or slang apparently. I have Sudden Onset Elderly Syndrome caused by too many shorties all day, and then I was put over the top by seeing a "Sexy Ebola Nurse" costume online. 

Yeah....I'm out.

We've also had other things going on, celebrating my FIL's birthday Saturday for one. Also yesterday I forced my teenager to watch his little sisters while my husband and I went out to dinner to 'celebrate' the 10th anniversary of our first date. At TWO P.M. because we skipped over the Peg and Al Bundy stage of marriage and went to full-on Helen and Stanley Roper. Don't worry, this isn't one of those annoyingly mushy posts about relationships. We don't swing that way.

We don't even remember the exact date but we got together toward the end of October of 2004. After ten looong years, we have just started to reach the stage where those cute little annoying personality habits? Are not so cute anymore. And there are a lot. 

Frankly I can't believe we made it this long. We're both pretty big assholes. It's okay, that used to be our thing. Maybe that's the secret? Find that person who is the same level of asshole.
It helps for us to keep reminding ourselves of each other's asshattery. There is plenty of material there. His clothing issues for one. That is a link to a whole post I wrote about that. After 10 years I still only operate at about a 60% success rate buying clothes for him. I'm all Jar Jar Binks "My give up!" I have my own issues, that's for sure.

Then there are the new issues we keep finding about each other, like my constant complaining venting. And his inability to move a car by himself. My teenager recently got a car, and with a single-lane driveway and his late comings and goings, that's a lot of car maneuvering in the morning. 

Even though every single day my husband takes his laptop out, starts his car and then comes back in the house for his lunch and roadie coffee, he has a complete mental block against moving my son's car during this time. 

The only way he can possibly  scheme the getting out of the driveway in his mind, is if *I* move my son's car. Now granted, when my booger-mobile is behind him, I'll move it and put it back in the driveway. That would take a lot of maneuvering for one person. But I've told him several times it's also okay if he leaves it in the street. Nope. I have to do that so he can just drive away.

Most of the time I move the Smoke-mobile (appropriate name I gave Tinny's car,) to the street, leave it parked there and return. I do that all by myself. He watches me do that. By my self. Yet still, every morning, no matter how many children are whining at me and asking me for food and milk and attention, he'll still say:
"Can you help me move cars?"

Really? You can't just move that car 5 feet to the street and walk the keys back up? Nope.

What if I make you your OWN set of keys so you don't have to worry about the key situation? 10 pounds of NOPE in a 5 pound bag.

We all have our things, I get it. It's no secret I'm not a great chef/cook/food prep person, for one thing.

I'm also disproportionately sick of taking the damn garbage out. I was the only one who did it for years as a single mom. We lived in an apartment complex with a communal dumpster. 2 buildings over was a registered sex offender, so I would never have slept again if I made my son take the garbage out by himself. I did it for years here, the dads of the neighborhood and I chin-nodding 'sup' to each other walking our rolling cans to the curb. Now? I'm over it. 
I work, sometimes I even clean. I watch an assload of little kids. They might be cute? But trust me, I'm around repugnant-level STINK all day. YOU handle the garbage. Strap on some Daddy Nikes and JUST DO IT.
I have to go through this whole speech every freaking week. Usually at 6:30 in the morning when he keeps pushing 'Snooze' on his alarm.

Even though I probably brought that on myself by having an opposite view of typical gender roles, I'd like to propose a more traditional switch for just this one thing. I'll still drive everywhere we go, and tease him about backseat driving all that. We need a Sheldon Cooper Relationship Agreement

There is also my constant tweeting about our relationship. I'm sure he loves knowing that the tens of people that follow me are knowing the details of our marriage. 
Oh and also Instagram
Not to mention I also have a genetic low tolerance for annoyance, (family thing, my niece is a doctor and she says it's legit) and an extra chromosome of sarcasm. Not a good combo.
I think he does like that I don't take his crap, though. No one respects a person that kisses their butt all the time. He likes a challenge. We both do, and we're both painfully honest. Sometimes that can be really painful. It's a delicate balance.
A real writer would wrap this up with something hopeful, clever, perhaps some advice. I think we both know you're not getting that here. I can only tell you what definitely does NOT work, and that's bottling up your annoyance and aggression. That causes ulcers, and other medical terms I can't think of at the moment but I'm sure it's legit.

I'm not an advice-giver, but calling each other on our mounting bullspit seems to work for our relationship. And talking things through with close friends. And a couple thousand people on social media. 

What would YOU put in your relationship agreement?

Are there things that really irritate you that may be borderline deal-breakers? Tell me about them. It'll be our secret. Ours and the internet. And the 11 people who regularly read this, but they are not judgmental. At all. 


  1. I've come to realize long-term relationships are all about survival of the fittest. As in who can handle sharing a bed with someone who chews loudly and spends a half hour stuffing their gob in bed every night while you're trying to read your nice book and get ready to fall asleep.

    1. That is a perfect assessment! And who can stand up for themselves and say 'If you keep doing that, one of these days only ONE of us will wake up in the morning." Otherwise you swallow your aggression and develop ulcers. That's just unhealthy. My husband is a snorer. I have to listen to audiobooks or music w/earbuds in order to sleep. That horror wins me a certain level of sarcasm, no questions asked. It's a give and take, constantly.

  2. I'm confused, Joy. Isn't the availability of traditional gender roles so that your husband MUST be the one to take out the garbage the whole POINT of heterosexual marriage? Otherwise, why bother?

    1. Well, normally yes, that is one of the bonuses. Our relationship is quite different. For example, *I* always do all the driving. Then HE is a backseat driver who makes fun of my driving. But when I tell him to drive? He stifles himself. We kind of have almost completely switched roles. He's a better chef, better with pretty much all domesticated chores, but that may just be my lack of effort.

  3. "Strap on your Daddy-Nikes." Definitely using that one!

    1. hahaha I love that "Just do it" I've never used it correctly, but I use it pretty often.

  4. I'm the chef. The driver. He fixes. Kind of. And makes messes. But he does clean a bit more than I do, but only under duress.

    I sometimes mostly like it. We yell. We stew. We communicate mostly alright.

    In the end, we still want to be together for the forseeable future. I think that counts for a lot.

    I like your snark, and I'm glad you have a man who does, too. Long may it all continue in all its messy, glorious ways.

    1. Well, it sounds like you make a really good team! And good communication is very important, as you know.
      That DOES count for a lot. People forget how hard it is to live with someone. ANYONE. Family, friends, partners, spouses, I don't care WHO it is. It takes some compromise to live with another human being.
      My snark can be really annoying, depending on the tone. He gives it back though, and sometimes that snaps me right out of it. I really need that sometimes :) and sometimes I need an adorable Britishy friend with her loverly support!

  5. We can't remember the exact date of our first date, either. July 2? July 1? Close enough. We don't celebrate it (or our wedding anniversary, actually). We just acknowledge dates like that with a "Hey, isn't it close to the anniversary of our first date?" We manage to hit the wedding anniversary on the right day, we just don't do anything more special than saying Happy Anniversary to each other.

    Just the other day, my husband said, "It's not liking the same things that keeps you together, it's HATING the same things.

    1. We usually don't do anything either, but since we realized we had been together for 10 years we figured "Meh, a meal seems in order." Plus, we were just looking for an excuse to put the teenager to good use!
      That's a good point, about hating the same things. It's the key, really!

  6. Every couple has their "things". Just yesterday my guy claimed that I had 6,000 different sighs. Called them Smilla's Sense of Sighs. So there's that.

    1. hahahaha that sounds like it would make an excellent post! "50 Shades of Sigh"

  7. It sounds like you and hubby are perfectly matched - I wish you many more years of mutual arse-holing! (Sorry, that sounds rude, but you know what I mean).

    1. HA! Yes, I would say we are in store for many more years of BEING a-holes, that's about all that would happen with that expression! Thanks, Gary.

  8. If I had had a relationship agreement with my ex, it would have been "Thou shall untie thyself from thy mother's apron strings." (sodding mummy boys)
    Your relationship sounds perfect to me. You both have the ability to speak truthfully and say what's on your minds and that counts for a hell of a lot.

    1. Ugh, that is a tough thing to overcome in a relationship. I got lucky MIL-wise, she passed away before I met her. Well, you know what I mean.
      It's set up pretty well, on purpose. My first marriage was a colossal disaster, so I told myself and Alex, my current husband, that the only way I would do it again is with someone I can be honest with. When I'm not happy, I'm not good at hiding it anymore. I did for too many years the first time around. Now? We work it out pretty quickly. My husband is very logical, so he can usually come up with a good compromise with whatever it is. And he's used to my mood swings, and has become quite good at knowing if I'm tired, or hangry. Then he'll slip me a sammich, slick as otter snot.