2014-04-28

Park Reviews

After last week's more serious post, we needed to take things down (up?) a notch and get back to some light-hearted silliness. My kids weren't having it though. The warmer weather has us hittin' the parks. The kids are remembering what they like and do NOT like about all the parks closest to Comfytown. They want to save you some time, so they wrote Yelp reviews on the parks. A smart park visitor is a happy park-er. 

My 4 year old daughter, Lola, put together this super serious review of our local parks, and what she calls them, so you can choose the best one for your needs.

Sunny Park   -   


Review by Lola, age 4
ComfyTown, IL

I like this park because it's close and we can go all the time. I like the ground, it's jumpy and not mostly dirt like our backyard. I like the yellow sunny colors. I like the sand, but I don't like when sand gets in my eyes, that's hurts! But we make sand castles with sticks, that's fun.
Mount Wannahockalugie

The slides are fast for sliding, but you can't climb up because they're too slippy. But that's okay, there are friends there even the boy who yells and rides his bike really close to us, that makes my mom mad. My dad says she can't punch him. Go after schooltime to play with lots of friends.

And they have a water fountain with water, so this park is my favoritest. 


I go back again and again. FIVE STARS.

ADULT TRANSLATION: 
It's the closest park, there are kids sometimes, including one future serial killer that is there quite often, and always unattended. He rides his bike almost directly INTO the kids but no, I can't punch him. He talks to himself loudly, as I imagine he's murdered all of his pets, friends and parents. My kids love the sand & water fountain here, our fave place.

Pres' Park
Review by Bug and Lola, ages 2, 4
ComfyTown, IL 

Like rental skis that need waxing
I don't always like this park because it's more far away, and the slides are shock you! When you slide down yer hair sticks up, and if you touch anything you get a shock on your finger, that's NOT FAIR! 

My little sister Bug likes this park because the slides are really sticky, like when she eats peanut butter, so she doesn't go down too fast and get scared. They're so sticky we can climb all the way UP the slides just like the big boys and girls, it's easy!

Dumb graffiti

My daddy doesn't like this park because he says it's dirty. People writed on the tables, and that's BAD. We're only supposed to write onna paper. Whoever writed on the table, they should get some paper.

The ground isn't bouncy, it's "munch" but DON'T EAT IT! My mom gets mad when my sister eats it, even though it's called munch. The munch has a lot of cool stuff in it, like candy wrappers. I don't know what candy is in a square package, but the pack is SHINY. 

Yes, it is a condom wrapper

It's like Art in Monsters University when they say:
"You DON'T wanna touch it!"
and he says:
"I wanna touch it."

This park is usually fun, even if we can't touch the cool stuff, we learned new words from the big kids. FOUR STARS.

ADULT TRANSLATION: 
2nd closest park. The slides are old and sucky, they like climbing UP more than try to "slide" (scoot manually) down. Sometimes there is sketchy garbage in the mulch. So no, I don't let the baby eat mulch that had condom wrappers and whatnot in it. When the Parent-Murdering Boy is at Sunny Park, we go here. There are sometimes older kids, that sometimes swear, but there also aren't many judgmental parents at this park so any day you left before brushing the kids hair or putting on a clean shirt, this is your park. It's the WalMart of parks.

Goose Poop Park

Lola, 4 - Comfytown, IL
Future goose hunter/wrastler

I don't know why my Mom calls it that, but whatever, poop is funny! I like this park a lot because it haves a pond, and the pond haves geese and ducks in it. My sister Bug wants to pet the geeses and ducks, but my mom says to stay away from the water. 


That makes Bug mad. I think she likes water. And ducks. And running from my mom. My mom doesn't like this park, but my sister and I like this park a LOT!

It also haves a wall where I can climb up, but it's not really hard to climb up, it's easy and I can climb all the way up all by myself! 

I like when my sister gets yelled at, and climbing the wall. FOUR STARS

ADULT TRANSLATION: 
There is always goose poop all around, so we don't go here often. Lola likes the climbing things, so we do go sometimes and I bring a bucket for their shoes when we leave. Most of the time we're here, I'm trying to keep the baby out of the pond and from chasing and doing whoknowswhat to the birds. I bring a Capri-Sun bag full of booze, so we have fun.


SpiderMan Park

Lola, 4 - Comfytown, IL

My dad calls this park SpiderMan park, but there's no Spiderman anywhere, or spiders. 
They could at LEAST call this PETER PARK. Get it?
It haves a ride you climb on that looks like a spiderweb, but it's too hard! I don't like that.
THIS IS TOO HARD!

I like the blue slides and the red swing because it haves a part that comes down and you can hold onto it, but it's not like a baby swing.

The rest is too hard, they're for big kids. THREE STARS

ADULT TRANSLATION: 
What is red and blue and webby all over? Triangle Park (dumb name.) There are only a few triangles on the ground in the back of the park. It's by the library and the train, there must not be any kids that live nearby, it's usually blissfully quiet. I keep trying to push this park on them, maybe when they're a little older. 


Far Away Park
Lola, 4 - Comfytown, IL

This park is far, so we don't walk. We drive in our car. Sometimes this park is full of water, then it's REALLY FUN! 
At the bottom of a hill, this park is flooded half the time. So they ALWAYS want to go there
My mom doesn't like when we get all wet and get back in the car and the car gets all wet, and our seats get all wet. It's fun, but it's really cold and when I tell her I need dry pants and shoes, she says "As soon as we get home," but I don't want to wait, it's too cold in wet pants and shoes! This was not as fun as THAT OTHER PARK with the water things.

I don't remember anything else about this park. TWO STARS.

ADULT TRANSLATION: This park is flooded half the time, so usually we avoid it like tetanus. 


That Other Park With The Water
Lola, 4 - Comfytown, IL

I don't remember anything about this park, we didn't go here in a long time. It had these squirtey water things that shooted water, they were awesome! My sister was splashing and splashed all over everywhere! It got me and my mom SO MUCH WET, every clothes on us was all wet, it was big fun. 
NOT a park, not a park at all
I don't know where this is, but I hope we go again. TWO STARS, until I remember what else is here.

ADULT TRANSLATION: 
This is not a park at all, it's an outdoor mall. I'm always broke, so we don't go often.

Blue Park


Lola, 3 - Comfytown, IL
Slides are faster than they appear
We saw this park when we drived my brother Tinny to school, and I really wanted to go to this park, but when we went it was bad. This park looks so cool when you go past, it haves all blue slides and swings! We don't go to this park anymore, we haven't been there since before my birthday when I turneded 4. We don't like this park. 

There are high slides, and the ladder is too scary. My sister also kept going by the big kids and climbing up high slides and my mom said she was gonna "break her neck." I don't think she did, but we left fast and we didn't go back ever again. ONE STAR.

ADULT TRANSLATION: 
This park has much taller slides than we're used to. We'll go back again when and if my 2 yr old learns about fear, or caution. 

Pick-ik Park by the Lib-ary
Lola, 4 - Comfytown, IL 


WAY too close to the street for small children!
This park haves tables to have a pick-ik, but we didn't have any food, so we couldn't have a pick-ik. It's close by a street and my mom and dad don't like the street for some reason.

My sister kept running and running and going by the street, she doesn't listen. My mom got really mad. And thirsty, she said she needed a drink, but this park didn't has a water fountain, and my mom didn't bring her special juice bag, so that's probably why we left. 


At least my sister got yelled at. ONE STAR.

ADULT TRANSLATION: 
This is just walking trails w/picnic tables, but it's right by a busy street so f*ck this park. Especially if you have a "runner" type of toddler. F*CK it hard.

That's all for now. Lola had fun doing this, and I love her answers. We will review other locations around town as we venture out, meaning try to find places with low or no admission fee. Stay tuned!

24 comments:

  1. These were fantastic. You really do need to do this on the regular. This is great, if only because it's so honest. Truthfully, I'd trust these over the typical BS reviews you see on there.

    Also, I always hated when "slides are shock you." For being big neon yellow plastic, that stuff hurts when it'd zap you.

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    1. I'm glad you liked it. I thought it was funny, but that's usually no indication of how others will respond. That response, btw, is EXACTLY how she said it, too, after she got zarped by the slide. You can HEAR the spark, that's how SHOCKEY these slides are. I wonder what causes that, I'm tempted to dump olive oil on them or something.
      We may do this again, my daughter's answers to questions are sometimes hilarious. We just need to get out to more places, there are VERY few places that don't charge admission around here.

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  2. I seriously LOL'd at this! And coincidentally the DH was telling me yesterday we needed to visit a bunch of parks and rate them. As usual, the man comes up with a great idea RIGHT after someone else!

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    1. That happens to me at LEAST once a month! I get an idea for something I think is HILARIOUS, I google it and a BUNCH of people have already thought of it! Probably true of my posts & Tweets, but if I'm not at my laptop I don't search it. It's not like anyone's making money on social media! I'm not here either, but.....
      For all I know there might already be an app for that! Glad you got a laugh though.

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  3. Yelp reviews can sometimes be funny, but not THIS funny. I'm dying over here. DO MORE!

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    1. Will do! I love her phrasery, so I'll have to ask her specific questions about pretty much EVERYWHERE we go now.

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  4. Oh My GoD I love this so much... I totally would go based on her recommendation and I definitely would have to avoid Parent Murdering kid because WTF? Maybe we should do a link up of kid reviewed places in our areas...only I don't know how to do that yet...

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    1. Murder Boy definitely has some issues, which I would be more sympathetic to if he hadn't almost mowed down my child. I had to literally yell "Please do NOT run into her!" But I haven't punched him. Yet. I mean, at all. Ever. So that's good. I wish I could help you w/linking up, I have NO clue. I am stumped at adding specific comment types (Comment Luv vs. Disquis) on my blog. There are SO many articles for and against EVERYTHING, I just give up.

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  5. Maybe have your kids review everything. My favorites: my mom didn't bring her "special juice bag,"and "I think she likes water. And ducks. And running from my mom," and "it haves," and "parent-murdering boy" and "scoot manually."

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    1. I know! I originally was going to write this to other parents, especially the part about WHEN/WHERE the judgey McJudgePants parents hang out, then I realized no one that lives anywhere near me reads my blog, and the phrasery my 4 year old uses is hilarious! "So much happy" and whatnot is ALL LOLA. The problem is, she starts preschool in the Fall and I KNOW they are going to correct her and try to teach her proper grammar. Boo! I do not have the patience, time or intestinal fortitude for homeschooling, so this is the price I must pay. I will try to get her out and about to review ALL THE PLACES before such travesty occurs. Please do stay tuned.

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  6. I absolutely love the kid reviews. My favorites are: "she said she needed a drink, but this park didn't has a water fountain, and my mom didn't bring her special juice bag, so that's probably why we left." and "At least my sister got yelled at. ONE STAR." Your translations are brilliant. I love how kids name parks--we had "red slide park," "goose park," and "that park you let us get in the sandbox at."

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    1. hahaha I love that last one! The nicknames! That was THEE thing that inspired this post! The names we (and the kids) call the parks! Especially Spiderman park. I don't have pictures of all the RED and BLUE, and it's been raining or I would have totally gone and taken some, but I'm guessing they TRIED to name this Spiderman and just couldn't get permission. It's ALL red, blue and has those webby-looking things. Can't be a coinky-dink. And Goose Poop Park, we have totally called it that for over 3 years now, and no one needs to see THOSE pictures, but it is APTLY named, lemme tell ya!

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  7. I love these! I would totally trust kid reviews. Brutally honest, just the way I like it!

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    1. That's what I LOVE about kids in general. They care none for your sensitivity about things, if you have a big pimple, they're gonna stare it and ask you about it! Gotta love that.

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  8. You have a lot of parks in your area. We do too. My favorite is called Turkey Swamp. Being there always makes me feel like I'm on vacation because they have paddle boats and fishing, archery target areas and lots and lots of woods for hiking. Can't wait for this crappy weather to finally break so we can start going again!

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    1. Ooh that sounds like a great park! We have lots pf parks and hiking trails, a couple canoe places but I would LOVE to find an archery range. That would be fun.

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  9. Lola did a super excellent job of reviewing and the for adults translation was very "white cop/black cop" ala Sandford and Sons... So friggin cute and funny!!!! Not the cops... you know.... I loved this! I did a review of local restrooms with toilet paper rolls for stars...Girls without colons are kinda made for that sorta thing! I may have to post it!

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    1. I remember that cop scene in Sanford & Son, "What are you? A police officer or a box of crayons?" Good times.
      Your review sounds hilari-ASS. My friend Brian wanted to have a website (years before apps) that listed bathrooms by town, how clean they were & if you had to purchase something to use the restroom! Now there are apps for that!

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  10. I like her style. Can you get her to review some dishwashers? We need to replace ours.

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    1. I can ask her to review ours, it's awesome. No idea what kind it is, not at home right now.

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  11. Yay Lola and her park reviews! Well done! Yay mommy and her capri-sun of booze. Equally brilliant.

    (I hate shocky slides)

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    1. Thank you! We need to spray those dogs down with static guard!

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  12. Parks are so cool, aren't they? When I lived with little kids I used to like to take them to new parks that we had to drive to, outside of our neighborhood or even our town. Just because I was broke, and parks are free, and if I took them to a new park it was an exciting adventure... whereas if I took them to the neighborhood park they would just whine and beg to go home so they could whine and beg to go somewhere else.

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    1. They do love a NEW park. We drive to new ones even when we can walk to a few. Yay for free places! Especially right now, we mostly have one income, lots of penny pinching.

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