Look, I'm Being Social! Sunday Social

I’m participating in a Sunday Social (NOT drinking tea, though, that’s where I draw the line on being social!) hosted by a lovely blog called “Some Days Just Are a Complete Waste of Makeup!” (Great name, ey?)  It seems like a well-behaved blog, so I will be on my best behavior. Which is still not great, but I did shower today. I didn't wash my hair, but that's a long (BORING) story. What's that about over-sharing? Oh, sorry. I'm new to this.

The Questions:

1.What is your favorite thing to do on a rainy day? 

Is this supposed to be family friendly?? I think so, so…….

Sleep in, drink coffee w/Baileys while playing Harry Potter cards w/my husband, then read and half-ass watch TV all day. Bu-u-u-u-t we have a lot of kids, so that might as well say "juggle flaming bowling balls and buzzing chainsaws", cuz it ain’t happenin. I just love when we don’t have a me-e-ellion things to do.

2. What is your favorite thing to do on a summer weekend? 

eatanddrinkrepeat.com

Go to farmers markets, outdoor festivals that have live music and beer in plastic cups. (Did I mention I’m SUPER classy?!) 

We don’t last long there either w/the babies, so we BBQ a lot and have TONS of yardwork (BARF) that we hate to do. We usually do a tiny amount every weekend, instead of getting it all over and done with at once, like big people do.

3. What is your favorite spring accessory? 

Earplugs or my iPod. Both my REAL iPod, and my flask, which I re-named “iPod” about a month ago, so I could honestly say to my family “I’ll be ready for this day in just a minute, right after I LOAD MY iPOD!” 

from 43things.com

A-a-a--a-a-anyway, you need them here in the Spring more than ever because INSIDE ComfyTown all spring? All you can hear is our anal-retentive neighbors’ leaf blower all day and night until every single freaking LEAF and blade of grass is perfectly manicured and/or bagged and done away with. We like walking our monsters, going to the muddy park, cleaning up the fall leaves we didn’t get to in the fall. Whoopsy. (Our neighbors RE-HE-ALLY love us!)

4.What is your favorite way to spend a winter day? 

Doing as little as possible. I like to visit our zoo once a winter, they have TONS of indoor (stinky) stuff and they have peppermint schnapps & cocoa. (It’s not hard to make me happy, as you can see.) 

I also volunteer, and my favorite volunteer event is in February. It is the annual fund raising gala for Equality Illinois, a non-profit for civil rights for the LGBT community in Illinois. (Click on "Equality Illinois" to learn about the awesome charity and the event. AFTER you finish reading this little nugget of pure gold, of course.) Once that is over, winter can SUCK IT.

5.What is your favorite season and why? 

Fall. Weather, it’s easier for asthmatics to breathe when the humidity is gone. Halloween. Weirdos like Halloween. (I’d like credit for the fact that I did not mention any booze in this answer! I don’t need a meeting, dang it!)

6. What is the best birthday you have ever had? 

My birthdays are all the same. My birthday is Christmas Day and we’re not Jewish so it’s like Groundhog Day.

from zazzle.com

I mean if Groundhog Day were CHRISTMAS. Know what I mean?

Plus I have kids, so it’s all about them now. Not to be a whiny lil bitch about it, I don’t know what a birthday is supposed to feel like, because mine feel like Christmas. 

I try to make every day as awesome as possible. My husband usually makes me breakfast on my birthday, so no complaints!

March Menthol Cigarette Milkshake

That sounds sooo good, doesn’t it? 

Get ready for my best geezer impression:

“When I was younger, I used to look forward to Shamrock Shake season, weather was getting warmer, and you could even ask them to put half chocolate/half mint. That's like a food-gasm. 

Now-a-days, it’s cold in March and the Scam-hock shake? Tastes like green cancer. Everything was five cents! and other-old-people-crap!” *shakes fist*

from wtfcontent.com

Maybe we do KNOW TOO MUCH, or perhaps it’s the clear cup that lets you see the syrup separation, or mayhap I’m just OLD now, but what the freak did they DO to mess up ice cream and milk with mint flavoring? 

It tastes like someone put out a Newport in an old glass of NyQuil and milk.

from 123rf.com

Seems like an easy thing, but I guess when you ship your “food” to all points of the globe and Corporate says they all have to taste the same, you can’t use actual FOOD and start replacing it with space-age polymers. And they taste like it.

I won’t get into the page-long list of chemicals, the internet is infested with web sites that will list them all out. http://www.dietitiancassie.com/whats-in-a-shamrock-shake/

Don't panic 'Murica, I’m just talking about getting some satisfaction for what you’re putting your body through. Like that old Friends analogy of NOT cheating on the person you're dating.....unless it's with someone HOT. Not worth it. Sham shake is THEE official ugly friend of ice cream. You CAN do better. 

Nevermind the 530 calories, for a SMALL (according to  www.mcdonalds.com)  and 21.5 teaspoons of sugar. 

You might be thinking “Hey who cares? It’s a treat. Eff off.”  I’m not taking candy from your baby, I’m just saying if you’re going to consume that many calories, make it worth your while, Sister. Get the most BANG for that SUGAR BUCK. 

You’re better off throwing down my home-brewed fave stress drink, the Cake-tini. You will soon see, I KNOW about sugar craving. 

I used to call this "PMS Pie" I don't even want to explain why that makes me cringe.

The Cake-tini:

Put ~1/6 – 1/8 of a box of cake mix in a glass.

Add just enough water to form a thick liquid.

Stir. Drink. Well, actually EAT with a spoon. Win at life.

If you’re craving sugar? This will GET IT DONE. In a recent survey I just made up to prove my point, this is 99% better tasting with probably less damage to your body.

from uproxx.com

Believe me, I’m not preaching about the fatty ice cream. I could smoke a stick of butter and still feel awesome. 

I also like astronaut ice cream, so something is pretty wrong if I won’t put a shake in my shame hole. 

mcgarnagle.com

Not to judge if you’re a fan, but you might? 

Want to stop smoking that carton of smokes per day that clearly burned out all of your taste buds.

In the meantime, if you don’t want to fill your mouth with the taste of green plastic, here are a couple of suggestions should you get a hankering for Green Stuff in March, or ever.

Have a beer. Or any fun, festive cocktail. Green River is at Binny's.

Dye your milk green. 

OR make your own minty shake at home in a blender w/mint chocolate chip ice cream and milk.

ThinMint Shake

Girl Scout thin mint cookies.

Ice cream. Literally any flavor.

Add Bailey’s Mint Chocolate to kick all forms of butt. 

Or JUST have Bailey's Mint with ice. Boom. You win.

If you’re watching calories, (and good for you just don’t watch mine) or you want to FEED your body some actual NUTRITION while you're at it, make a smoothie. Wait wait, this word can mean anything from milk with ice, to ice cream to yogurt or frozen yogurt, and they CAN taste good. 

Almost anything you add at home will be better for you than a McShake. Even if you put a cigarette in it.

Add whatever you like, fruit, nuts -- don't believe the media hype, you can eat almonds, they are a superfood. Your body won't have cravings if you FEED IT with nutrients. For fiber add flaxseed, chia seed, or psyllium husks to make you feel full. For flavor add chocolate syrup, peanut butter, caramel syrup, etc.

Google smoothies, you get the idea.

I hate yogurt. I feel like I'm spoon feeding myself post-nasal drip, but that hooker from Trading Places says it makes you poop, so I blend it with ice, milk, fruit, sometimes protein powder and whatnot to choke it down. 

If you mix spinach with any of these things? You can hardly taste it.

Minty Smoothie (super clever name, I know)

2 cups milk, whatever kind. You can add yogurt or FroYo if you prefer.

4-6 ice cubes for texture. Use ice cream for extra awesome.

1-2 tsp cocoa powder.

Peppermint extract to taste (1/4 tsp should be plenty.)

  (Didn't have any, I used Andes candy pieces from Xmas.)

At least 2-3 leaves of spinach for color (you won’t taste them.)

½ banana for sweetness.

Optional: Any other fruit to make it sweeter.

Put all that crap in a blender and blend until super smooth.

This tastes better than it sounds. You can personalize it as you like or use a search engine and enter the ingredients you have in your kitchen. (I do this for dinner pretty frequently, you’d be surprised how many hits you get for “chicken, red pepper, 1 slice cheese” -About 3,990,000 results.)

If you’re lactose intolerant, use almond milk or just use fruit and water. A pear blended with water and 4 ice cubes is pretty darn refreshing.

If you don’t want to go through the trouble of making these, but you STILL crave the McD’s shakes? 

You could try this:

Smoke a menthol cigarette. One step, no calories, minty fresh!

from albertoalemanno.eu

Ask someone who smokes menthol cigarettes if you can lick their ashtray. I’m pretty sure this would still kill you slower than a sham shake.

from en.wikipedia.org

Look on the bottom of restaurant tables for mint-flavored gum.

from wikihow.com

If you really just have to have one, go for it. Just don't come crying to me looking for donations when you get cancer from minty free radical damage. No 5K can un-kill those cells. 

Most of this is sweary nonsense, but cancer is no joke, folks. It's not the sugar, it's all the processed chemicals and lack of any real food, and nutrition. Click here to quickly learn a little about how antioxidants stabilize cell damage.

Since I just threw you a semi-serious link, I should balance things out by sharing this post about McD's characters of yesteryear, e.g. Hamburglar and Grimace, who is apparently related to the “king of all grimaces.”

 http://thebloggess.com/2013/03/it-was-on-wikipedia-so-it-must-be-true/

Drink Recipes. Because I Can.

I went to a martini making class on Saturday, because THAT is my classy life. I wore my monocle and had my driver take the Rolls. 

from funnyjunk.com

Meanwhile back in reality, right after this party was a line dancing event at the VFW, where we all donned plastic cowboy hats. They had free beer and wine so I had a super good time. I think. Open bar is the recipe for  sketchy memories.

Speaking of recipes, when I mentioned the class some people expressed interest in the recipes. I thought I would share the 3 most popular drinks from the class. I left out the common martinis, because there are a number of search engines that work equally for everyone.

From artofdrink.com

“The French Martini was created by the Chambord liqueur company for a world wide promotion….This is what liqueur and spirit companies need to do when creating cocktails.”

French Martini
2 oz Vodka
½ oz Chambord
2 ½ oz Pineapple Juice

Back a shaker full of ice and add all ingredients. Shake or stir*. Strain into a martini glass. Garnish with a lemon twist.

* Shake to give the drink a nice light texture, pineapple juice froths nicely.

It was seriously delicious. If you’re like me and don’t like to eff with the martini shaker, just mix everything together with ice. My drinks NEVER get watered down by ice, because I drink them too quickly. That’s class right there.

This next one I don’t ever picture doing, especially because you have to either muddle cucumbers (no thanks) or soak them a day ahead of time. As Sweet Brown would so eloquently say “Ain’t nobody got time for that.”

from https://www.facebook.com/SteampunkSteampunk

The recipe he used yesterday called for simple syrup, but 2 of the women said the sugar didn’t go well with the recipe, so here is one without the sugar.

Cucumber Martini from epicurious.com

1 1/2 cups gin

1 cucumber (about 9 ounces), cut into 1/3-inch-thick slices, plus 6 thin slices for garnish

2 tablespoons (or more) dry vermouth

Ice cubes

Mix gin and thick cucumber slices in pitcher. Cover and chill overnight or up to 3 days.

Strain gin, discarding thick cucumber slices. Pour half of gin into cocktail shaker. Add 1 tablespoon (or more) vermouth, then fill shaker with ice. Shake vigorously; strain into 3 glasses. Repeat with remaining gin and desired amount of vermouth. Garnish with thin cucumber slices and serve.

Strawberry Balsamic Martini from globalchefs.com

Balsamic as in vinegar. I know, but a few of the women FREAKED out over how good this one is. I didn’t try it because it has vinegar. I refuse to put douche in any of my body holes, especially my mouth. If you like balsamic vinegar, apparently you’ll like it.

Ingredients:

1 ¾ oz Belvedere vodka

1 oz simple syrup (sugar/water)

Squeeze of fresh lime juice

3 strawberries, hulled

¼ oz balsamic vinegar (2 small spoonfuls)

Muddle the strawberries with the balsamic vinegar (the better the vinegar, the better the martini will be), simple syrup and lime juice. Add the Belvedere and ice. Shake vigorously and strain into chilled short martini glass. Garnish with half strawberry.

If you’re like me you may or may not even bother pinning these recipes, they make flavored vodka in every flavor now, Southern Comfort adds to anything and makes it delicious, and beer is a one-step process.

But, if you’re having a party for a special occasion and want to impress people with fancy drinks, give these a try and <<finger phone>> CALL ME.

I have one last recipe, not a martini. It is a more simple recipe, I tried this old timey drink at a charity event last year, it is very refreshing and different. The web site calls for you to garnish with an edible flower. Hilarious.

Floradora recipe from drinksmixer.com

1 1/2 oz gin
1/2 ozfresh lime juice
3/4 oz raspberry liqueur (Chambord)
ginger ale

Build the gin, lime juice and raspberry liqueur in a highball glass filled with ice. Top with ginger ale, garnish with a wedge of lime and an edible flower, and serve.

In Which I Ruin A Perfectly Nice Award/Best Of FB

Some other bloggers were nice (naïve) enough to nominate me for an award. (Even though I'm an IDIOT and put the wrong picture here the 1st time.)

This makes me giddy as a school girl, which is appropriate because this award is the school equivalent of passing a note in study hall that says:

“Do you think Steve is hot? Check YES or NO”

I was in a great mood when I started it, but was quickly distracted by my life. Hrrrmphf. When I came back I was apparently crabby, or sober or something. So……sorry about that people who nominated me. You never know which of the voices in my head are driving the crazy bus.

11 Random Facts

1: I come from a big, perfectly normal family of hybrid alien-humans. We’re made of at least 50% molten awesome and lack the ability to develop compromising social skills. We hate each other and love each other and fear each other and inspire each other. My sisters are beautiful princess ladies who can bake a cake, make killer homemade pot pie or soup, drink like pirates and still? Kick your ass.

2: I’m a tomboy, I honor rolled at computer school (A+ and MCSE) and have debated Star Trek’s TOS (The Original Series) vs. NG (Next Generation) and Kirk vs. Picard. I love SciFi and Fantasy and if I refer to myself as a geek, and you give me that fucking bullshit about just being a whore with thick glasses, I will punch you in the esophagus. Not that you’re wrong about it, but some people without penises do actually like that shit so shut the fuck up already.

3: I find it goddamn hysterical when people bitch about social media ON SOCIAL MEDIA. Hey genius, if you’re going to tell people NOT to JUDGE YOU, wouldn’t it just be easier to, oh I don’t know, NOT put your every move all over the damn internet?? You obviously WANT people to know what you do, or you wouldn’t be SHARING IT. When you share your shit with people, you don’t always get Sally Sunshine, because that’s how humans are. Sometimes they’re nice and a lot of times they’re shitty. You’re not perfect, why would anyone else be?

If you want to be around people that are just nice all the time, volunteer with special needs children. They kick ass and they will not judge you for being a horrible person.  EVERYONE ELSE? Will. Some just don’t bother to say it b/c they don’t want to argue with an idiot.

Oookkaaaaaay, so this here flawed human is obviously crabby, I think I’ll just let my past Facebook Page  statuses take over w/the random from here.

From CC Facebook page on 3/7/2013 at 5am:

I bought sub-lingual vitamins, which has nothing to do with what language the makers or takers speak, you put them UNDER your TONGUE and let them dissolve. 

When I take them I pretend they're illegal Underdog Super Energy Pills. Some people fantasize about hunky dudes or scantily-clad women, I daydream about semi-legal energy sources. They did not help me shoveling the ice on my driveway this morning.
  If it doesn't snow where you live, or you're not famously lazy, if you happen to DRIVE over the wet snow in your driveway, it forms a weapons-grade ice that marries the cement. I'm not talking celebrity or first-marriage, I'm talking GRANDPARENT marriage, they-can-never-tear-us-apart type shit. 
Even the METAL edge on the end of shovels, invented for people like us, cannot tear that marriage apart.

From 3/7/2013 at 7am

Crap salad!! I dropped my powder on the toilet and it cracked all over. Luckily it's relatively clean so you bet yer sweet hams I salvaged the big pieces and will use them. Resulting in the count calling me "Toilet Face" and asking me if I want to use the toilet brush to apply my broken powder. Because we have the romantic driveway love. (from my earlier post about driveway ice marriage.)

From 3/6/2013

The great thing about having a horrible memory is you can pull pranks on yourself. 
  The baby put a plastic hamburger patty in the training potty yesterday, and I put it in the dishwasher. When I found it in the dishwasher today, I tried to figure out who and HOW someone would get poop in the dishwasher. If it's going to happen, it's going to happen here.
Alas, there's no poop in my dishwasher. So I've got THAT goin for me, which is nice. 

From 2/26/2013

Someday all of my kids are going to quietly eat the dinner I prepare without fussing or fighting or whining. And then I'm going to keel over and have a cardiac episode. And then they'll be SORRY.
   Actually, while I'm in the hospital finally reading and sleeping, their Dad will make them grilled cheese and chicken nuggets and they will be the happiest children in the world. 
   Excuse me, I need to go eat a stick of butter and a pound of bacon. Never give up on your dreams, people.

From 2/25/2013

Sometimes love means being your man's Fluffer. 
Of course, if you're the one who left his work clothes in the dryer overnight, it's probably the least you can do.

From 2/24/2013  

TOPPING my current list of Words I Never Thought I Would Say: 
I am following the Dalai Lama ON TWITTER.

From 2/23/2013  

To the ladies walking ever so sloooowly in the parking lot smack in the MIDDLE of the road, I get it I do. How else would you get soooo many people to see the word "Pink" on the ass of your sweats. 
   If you're trying to present for baboon mating you're doing it wrong. They like RED asses. And they can't read. And they're not driving in this fucking parking lot.

2/2013

Count is reading "Goodnight Moon" to Lola before nap. It sounds so different over the baby monitor.
   Thats probably because when I'm in the room I make him read it as Christopher Walken.

2/2013

3 yr old is either having a balls-out tantrum, or she is channeling a foreign-speaking demon. That makes sense if you think about, I mean if your spirit were unencumbered by a human body, why would you just limit yourself to countries that speak your native tongue? 
Having all that time, you think you'd want to learn new cultures and languages. I wonder what they're learning here......
<<Demon Report to HQ: Americans are unorganized slobs that cry. A lot. Next assignment please!>>

Now, the questions:

1.  If you could marry a food, what would it be?   

What, now FOOD can get married but two WOMEN cannot? Fuck you, America.

2.  Are you a tp folder or crinkler?  

I don’t mess with teepees. Haven’t Native Americans been through enough?

3.  When was the last time you took a shower? Ok, when was the last time before that?

Yesterday b/c my teenager was home from school. I had to take my van in to get the CD player fixed, so my husband was suspicious that there was a hot mechanic(s) at the dealer. Yeah, I totally have energy for that shit.

Before that, it was a long fucking time.

4.  What is one thing you absolutely cannot leave your house without?

My babies. I’m pretty sure I read it’s like a law or at least a bad idea to leave them home alone or something.

5.  Favorite curse word? Why?

Fuck. Why mess around. And my toddler’s “Oh my shit.” I don’t give a fuck if you judge me. Or else I wouldn’t put all my personal shit on the internet. Have at it.

6.  Caillou or Max & Ruby?  

Fuck em both. With something sharp and jaggety.

from owned.com

7.  What is your favorite type of salad dressing?  

Pizza.  

8.  What bloggers do you make sure to read every day?  

I don’t make sure I do anything every day. I like sooo many, there's a "blogs I follow section" when you're done w/this masterpiece check that out. 

I heart “bitches gotta eat” if she wrote something every day, I’d probably read it every day.

I also can never get enough of "A Beer For The Shower" maybe it's the pictures, I am a simpleton, but probably it's the funny. 

9.  Can you do the robot? Well?   

Can I move to music like I’m made of rigid metal and not even human? Yeah I can do that. Like a metal ass boss.

10.  If you were shopping to prepare for a big snow storm, what are your must-haves?

Plane tickets.

11. Do you have any unusual talents?   

I ONLY have unusual talents.

Now:

http://crapnoonetellsyou.blogspot.com

http://raisingwildthings.com/

http://wildwonderfulgingerssnaps.blogspot.com

www.thenonmarthamomma.com

http://eviljoyspeaks.wordpress.com

I will tag the remaining ones as soon as my broken Swiss cheese brain can remember them. Wait, who hated Swiss cheese again??

Having A Day: Fierce Drag Queen Tiger Baby

I have nothing inspiring or super witty to say today, probably haven’t for awhile. Life is busy, the great thing about your own blog is NO DEADLINES. No rules. Just “This is how I feel today.”

It’s winter. It’s one of those days. At this moment I am tired of talking about how TIRED I am. I am sick and tired of a lot of things. I have no major issues, my family is healthy, I am blessed with three healthy typically boundary-pushin’ children. 

We live in a warm, comfy house, with internet access. We have a dishwasher. I can do laundry IN MY OWN HOUSE. We have two vehicles that for ONCE don’t LEAK or break down every other day. These are things I haven't always had. We have food to eat, wine to drink, we have debt, we have good days, we have bad days. I love it. All. It doesn't mean I don't get the blues.

If I’m crabby, it doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate all I have. I do.

If I let the kids toys stay all over the floor, it doesn’t mean I’ve given up. I haven’t. At least I don’t think so, but do check back tomorrow.

If I order pizza for dinner one day, it doesn’t mean I don’t want to provide healthy nourishment for my family.

If I let the kids watch TWO episodes of Sesame Street, it doesn’t mean I don’t care.

If I am soooo SICK of shoveling all this damn snow, it doesn’t mean I hate winter or the Midwest. (Though I kind of do today.)

If I don’t want to take my baby outside and listen to her cry because she refuses to leave her hat, gloves, boots, etc., on her body, it doesn’t mean I don’t want her to have fresh air.

If I don’t feel like planning, scheming and rearranging everything just to have a shower, it doesn’t mean I’ve completely given up on myself.

If I don't feel like adding funny pictures to this, it doesn't mean I don't want to entertain people anymore.

If I’m venting and whining, it doesn’t mean I want your pity. Feel free to say something nice or shovel my driveway though.

If I’m overwhelmed today, it doesn’t mean I won’t kick Life’s ass tomorrow.

It just means I’m human, and I’m having a day. 

Human problems, Mommy problems, First World Problems, we are ALLOWED. Only the clinically insane are happy all the time.

Don’t fight it. Go with it. Vent. Talk to a friend. Write a stupid fucking blog about it. Like The Secret Life of Bees, write it down and put it in the wall. 

This too shall pass.


*UPDATE*

FYI: I like to post the good, the bad, and the UGLY so just so y'all know WHILE I was posting this (obvi it took about 3-4 minutes MAX) my kids were playin in the bathroom, and the 3 yr old got a hold of one of my mascaras and made her sister into a fierce baby drag-tiger. 

Fierce, baby drag-tiger captured in her natural habitat

This made me laugh, totally turned my day around. I mean, first off, if I'm on Facebook or blogging and my kids get into trouble, I DESERVE it. Second, it was so quick and they were SO freaking QUIET I was pretty amazed. Plus, she does look FIERCE! Lola will be doing my make-up soon. Someone should.

Top 10 Reasons I’m Tired of Top 10 Lists

from gocanvas.com

This isn't to say I never write them, but today I'm particularly sick of them. It's my blog and I can be a big beeyotch if I want to. *crosses arms*

I give you the Top Ten Reasons I’m Tired of Top Ten Lists:

1. People have been using this format foreva and a day.

2. Most of the time only 4-6 things are actually funny.

Frick the rest, I just proved my point in TWO THINGS.