2014-05-16

Fanny Paddles and Firenado

Something I saw reminded me of the Fanny Paddles we had hanging all over the house (even in the garage) as a kid. It never dawned on me to wonder WHY we had these, I mean we had 5 bratty kids, and my father was a huge brat. I just figured people gave a gross of these to my parents every time they had another child. They were well used.
Found on Etsy, all sold out! 
I posted it to my mom's FB wall and she explained:
"They were made at the company we worked for. Dads dept printed the label and my dept glued it on the paddle."
It's strange, and now quite pleasant, for me to think of my parets as young, working together, or any time they actually got along. I don't remember a time in my life when they didn't fight. They always had separate bedrooms as far back as I can remember. Obviously there were plenty of times they got along (they had 5 kids,) but my brain doesn't seem to remember that far back. 
Anyone else remember Fanny Paddles?

This week I wrote a guest post, that's a link if you want a laugh at teenagers' expense. I don't normally do guest posts, because of reasons, but it went fairly well. I wrote about REAL crappenings in my life, my least favorite subject, whatever you call what my son is going through. Thankfully the situation isn't getting any worse, we're doing things. I wrote some things about how I'm motivating my teen. People came, read and commented. I felt like a real blogger. For a couple days anyway.

Speaking of REAL bloggers, this is part of a new age movement to turn all the garbage the week has thrown at you into Ten Things of Thankful. Click hErE to join in.
I'm totally thankful I found this HEEEELARIOUS video of someone talking about my fave Game of Thrones character, Tyrion. I'm Chico, Tyrion is The Man. If you're not caught up on the show, there are SPOILERS so you may want to sit this one out. Also if you don't like SWEARS or HILARIOUS knee-slapping laughter with a side order of madcrazy joy and happiness, then you shouldn't watch...or read anything on this blog.
I know, right? I LOVE HER. I watched this 3 times.
"....if you don't watch Game of Thrones, I don't know what in the criminey F^*# is goin on with your life...and your strength of character." 
"Tyr-EEE-ON is the Mutha-F__in' truth."
I'm subscribed, send me all the issues/videos of her talking every minute of every day.

I had some medical tests, all the results are in and the bad news is: I'm going to live longer. 
Kidding. 
I mean I am going to live longer, kidding about the real actual bad news, which is not going to shock anyone: 
I need to live a more healthy life. 

I know, I can hardly believe it either. You should have seen how shocked I pretended to be. An Oscar-worthy performance, but I didn't submit my performance to the academy. If they snub Leo, they'll snub me too. Jerks.

They sent me a list of (*audible gasp*) low-cholesterol foods, and suggested...*fanning myself* exercise. Seriously. Can you imagine? That goes against everything I stand for, and the whole philosophy behind Comfytown. My shelf life will be considerably dicey until I get my cholesterol down a little, and activity level up. So I do apologize in advance for all the swearing and bad moods you might see posted in the near future from me.
Oh Twitter, I can tell you anything. Mostly b/c my tweets are almost all ignored.
Thankfully I give zero sh|ts about fitness, muscles, thinness, fitting into sexy (hahaha I can't even) clothes ever again, so I don't need to go on an all-kale diet. Have I told you lately how much I freaking HATE kale? A LOT. I would rather eat a live spider. I don't need to EVER hire a personal trainer (I'd rather you just kill me) I only need to eat lower cholesterol foods, and increase my activity level from my current
from melissamcclone.com

"Coma Patient
to at least
"Elderly Physical Therapy Patient." 

For starters anyway. 

Don't worry, I won't be posting obnoxious workout selfies and movitational vomit. Maybe just funny 'action' selfies, walking while tweeting and/or holding a beer. Come ON, I need some motivation.

I'm thankful to the moon and back for my 20 yr old basement treadmill, that's twen-ty, not two, the longevity secret is hardly using it. I can't afford a gym membership right now, and our weather is bi-polar: either South Pole or North Pole.

It took me from 9:00am until almost 3:00pm to log a whopping total of 30 minutes on the treadmill on Friday. If you have small kids, you know. 
.
The view behind me on the treadmill, BOTH kids wouldn't stop playing and throwing toys onto the treadmill

Unless you can also afford a gym membership, and/or daycare, nannies, or are some super-human workout obsessed goddess like Maria Kang. 

This is the poetry you're missing if you don't follow my Instagram

I was thinking about Maria after this week when Michael Jackson's Xscape album dropped. Yes, in case you're wondering Michael Jackson DID die 5 years ago. He hasn't let that stop the music.


I don't know if you remember Maria Kang, she's the "Fit Mom" that pissed off millions of regular moms with her photo of herself and her ripped abs straddling her 3 kids with her (obnoxious) motivational message: 
"What's Your Excuse?" 
I don't have issue with her, I can ignore a LOT of obnoxiousness, but I was so ready to Kickbox Ultimate Fight her to the Death this week. Or at least tell stupid jokes with her in them.
Even more entertaining are the comments below this video on YouTube, a sneak peek at the recently dropped album.
Some actually commented "This is so fake, Michael Jackson is dead." True, but he's still putting out never-heard-before music. He still proves: There is no such thing as bad PR.

A new Godzilla movie is out, and I'm so thankful people keep making these crazy movies. I don't care if they're campy or corny, bring it. I've never been a fan of reality anyway.
from cnn.com

Action movies are my favorite, and I especially love all things fantasy, comic book, and super over-the-top crazy characters. THIS GUY looks amazing. I cannot WAIT to see this!

In 2-3 years when it comes to our $2 video store.

Speaking of our crazy weather, Friday morning Chicagoland had SNOW in certain areas and in the forecast, causing my entire Facebook feed to be put on suicide watch. 


Snow in May sucks, but at least we don't have wildfires, like they're currently having in San Diego. 

And we will probably never have a Firenado. 


You guessed it, that is the combination of Fire + Tornado.
When I saw the word "Firenado" I immediately thought, that has to be media hyperbole, it can't be REAL. Oh, it's real. Ground-level wind can carry flames UP INTO THE air like the devil's projectile vomit. Only in California could you have tornado-like winds without enough rain to put out the fire, because God hates California especially. You could not pay me enough to be a fireman there, can you imagine seeing this? 

You graduate the Fire Academy, it's your first gig, you're all excited and gussied up in your fireman costume, you arrive at the scene to see THIS?! A TORNADO of freaking fire? Oh no, sir, no thank you. I quit. I'll be talking to Flow from Progressive about selling insurance in a safe, boring cubicle under florescent lighting if anyone needs me, thanks. Peace out, homies.

This might be awesome in a horror movie, but in real life? This is terrifying. I hope no one is badly injured, and the air quality is not as bad as they expecting, with winds changing from over sea to over the land. 

I'll just be over here quietly shivering in ComfyTown SHUTting all of my UPs about a little snow.  

This has to be 10 things. Probably more like 30. Sorry. 
from revjohnhill.org
This bird reminds me of my Aunt Mernie's bird, Jonathon, who used to wolf whistle, cat call, imitate people on the phone and say rando cray things like 
"Wanna pizza bagel?" 
That sounds a lot more funny in a bird voice.







42 comments:

  1. Your parents made labels for spanking tools as their job? Boy does that explain a lot ;)

    I never watched a Godzilla, but you know that. But I do like suspended reality. I went with Star Trek Voyager, which I mainlined for months at the beginning of 2013. It was a life saver.

    Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand SO not a fan of firenadoes. Hope no-one died.

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    1. They should've started a company making them out of Titanium, we were always breaking them.
      I liked Voyager, not as much as The Next Gen because I seriously love Patrick Stewart, but I love this kind of Fantasy world, total escape from reality. It is such a blessing.

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    2. I needed Voyager. I watched it morning noon and night when I got it, about two months after my first miscarriage, and when the sheer awfulness of the life I was living was too much and too sad...I needed it, and it took me out of reality and served me very well indeed.

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    3. That is why I love Fantasy so much. You get lost in another world, different than our own, it's a total brain vacation! I wish I could write fiction, it's very hard for me. I suck at details, I paint no picture. Your writing takes me to RIGHT THERE, RIGHT THEN.

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    1. Not much of an accomplishment here, but well done anyway!

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    2. 33 comments - yeah SUCH a non-accomplishment. pffft.

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    3. TToT doesn't count! It's not like blogging at all. That's why I live it so so much! The PEOPLE are the best!

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  3. First off, please do kick box the hell out of Maria Kang and would gladly cheer you on any day of the week. The treadmill thing, totally can relate and is the stationary bike here for me that I am lucky to get in 30 minutes on any given day. Actually a good day would be to get in about 10 minutes with 2 screaming kids. And snow, seriously, I would have cried. I am so thankful it is finally spring that I may shout it from the rooftops here!

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    1. Ooooh, I think of 2 words when I hear that: Bike Butt. I know that struggle.
      It was really a bummer after this awful winter, we kept the windows closed and hummed in denial inside.
      We've had TWO warm days in 2014. TWO.

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  4. You made me piss my pants.
    Not literally.
    Almost.
    We didn't have a paddle, we had a spatula which was used. My middle name was Hellion. Kidding. My parents were borderline something something terrible parents.
    That woman cracks me up. Have you seen her "It's too hot" video. It also has swearing but it is so funny. I promise you that this is not a viral link ... if you're scared to click it, just google hot weather rant.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6tKJvWWDP4

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    1. Ah, the spatula. Weapon of proximity. I can still see a perfect pattern of our spatula in pink-belly RED on my brother's back, from my mom whacking him so hard with it. He was so proud of that mark. Wish we took a picture, but this was in the early 80's. I'm sure our Polaroid had NO film, or whatever you used to put in Polaroid cameras.
      I am TOTALLY clicking that link, full trust. Plus, I love a laugh, at any expense.

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    2. OMG that was SO hilarious! "What setting do I need to put this at? POWER RANGER?!" hahahaha I can't stop watching her videos.

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  5. You have the most entertaining writing style, Joy! Your way of expressing things always makes me smile.

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    1. Thank you so much for those kind words. I never feel like I HAVE a 'writing style' other than "Email from your weird friend" is that a style? I had someone tell me my writing reads like an email from a friend. I don't see that being a lucrative thing, but it could be worse. I've read blogs that read like a villainous ransom note. A rant is a rant, but when you start to fear for your life over something you're reading over the INTERNET, that might be a little heavy-handed. What do I know? Thanks anyway though! I'm always glad to entertain.

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  6. Joy, not only do I remember fanny paddles, but the mere sight of it brought on the most bodacious Catholic school flashbacks. Now I have to call my therapist. Thanks a lot. lol Let's just say my butt flinches when it sees wood.

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    1. Wait…that came out wrong...

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    2. Hahaha quite a Freudian slip. In my Catholic school they used rulers on hands, then about middle school they started throwing chalk and erasers. Now I think they just call the parents and tell you to deal with it.

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  7. I got spanked plenty of times by those damn fanny paddles and they hurt like hell. I still have one from my sorority days hanging on my office wall in case the minions get out of control. Hey, your guest post was AWESOME--everyone loved it. Got more than 2000 page views, which is great for a guest post! Thanks again for letting me feature you! XO

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    1. You? I can't believe it :)
      Thanks for having me, it was really fun. I love getting tons of comments and interaction, that's my favorite part.
      WOW, that's a lot of views! For me, that's a lot anyway. The only posts I have over 2K are ones with the word "sexy" in it, but jokes on the clickee, they were sexy animals and a storm front in the shape of a penis on a map! If you want to drive traffic, use the word "sex" or "sexy" I guess.

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  8. I remember fancy paddles too. Ow!!! Communicating with a teen can be crappy...I know, I taught 40 in a class at once! a great upbeat approach you have there!!

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    1. I literally can't even think about 40 at once. I used to think teens were fun, until my son became one.

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  9. Oh, I definitely needed to read your guest post today! Thanks for reminding me that I'm not the only one with an "adult" child.

    I have a friend who lives in the firenado area. Firefighters are definitely appreciated here!

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    1. We're definitely not alone. Some kids (mine) seem to regress a little at this time. It's a tricky time, that's for sure. .
      I'm glad to hear that firefighters are appreciated, they are real heroes. One look at the firenado, on my COMPUTER and I was terrified.

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  10. Fanny paddles were considered posh where I come from. We just got the good ole fashioned belt and slipper, or my mum's hand. Her hands were so big, she could slap all 6 of us collectively and in one go.

    Incidentally, Fanny Paddle, sounds like a character from one of those old black and white movies, starring Clark Gable...ok, I'll shut up now.

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    1. hahaha don't mess with a mom with THAT MANY kids, oy! My mom had 5 kids and her hands should have been registered weapons. When we were teens, we got close-fist punched and it was POWERFUL. We were skerred, like for REAL skerred, my dad would say "Watch it, or I'm gonna tell your mom." And we would CHILL the fuck OUT.
      You're right! It sounds like an olde timey fun girl! It would make a great name for a cartoon character!

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  11. Firenados in May. MAY. Good God, we Californians are is some serious trouble this summer. No snow pack and barely any rain fall. Screwed. We are all screwed.

    Also? Firenado sounds like it would be a title to one of those campy Sci-Fi movies.

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    1. I've heard it was been a rough, HOT, dry year so far. And yes, not even June yet. I really wish we could send you some of our rain and SNOW we had Friday.
      That is EXACTLY what I thought! The first thing I heard in my mind was "sharknado" which is an awesome premise for a campy movie, but if I saw it in real life? Skerred to a coma.

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  12. OK, I have stepped out of character and am actually moderately pumped to see Godzilla. It looks really cool! Secondly, getting old SUCKS. I've pulled something in my back...I think? Whatever happened, it's hard to get up and down, and I blame it entirely on my son for teething and, therefore, needing to be held. And finally, "For taming brides"? WTF?????

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    1. It looks SO COOL. The movie part got some bad reviews, but hey, gimme awesome monsters and I can deal w/the movie. Besides Walter White is in it, how bad could it be?
      Agreed! My 2 yr old is cutting teeth and her new nickname is "Wanna come UP HERE" because she wants to be held 24/7.
      I know, that whole poem is so old fashioned, it's part of it's charm I guess?

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  13. I remember paddles--they hung in classrooms, usually. But I don't remember any with cute sayings like the one in the picture.

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    1. Classrooms? That might be interesting motivation for students to pay attention?

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  14. I had to read that part about the Firenado 5 times for it to sink in that it is a 'real' word. As in, the opposite of the obvious jokiness of made up scary weather/climate things. Two words:
    "aiiyeee!"
    It is the dawning of the Age of Stupidness on Purpose. ("and now, with electrotypes" to steal a line form Mike Judges' movie, "Idiocracy')

    (to paraphrase another line from a movie* 'we'll be safe for now — thank goodness we're in a virtual world'

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    1. I KNOW! I immediately thought of Sharknado, but I was reading on a legit news sight so I HAD to click that link and holy swirling vortex of fire, Batman, it's FOR REAL.
      I haven't seen that Mike Judge movie, sounds hilarious.

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  15. Growing up, I remember our next door neighbor had a paddle like that. We had wooden spoons. I hate to think of the amount of money my parents spent on wooden spoons because those suckers always broke on our butts! That lady is crazy...I obviously have no strength of character as I haven't made it to Game of Thrones yet. If anything would make me want to watch it, this would be it. The firenado.....that would suck. I saw the coverage on the fires and that was scary enough, but add this....sheeesh! I saw the trailer for the new Godzilla movie. I think we'll be seeing it since my son lives for that kind of stuff.
    Hey! I just got the best idea. We (and by we I mean you) should send the funny chick a request to make a video about Maria Kang!! Now THAT would be funny!
    I double dog dare ya!!

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    1. hahaha that lady is so over the top, that's why she cracks me up. THIS is why I have to avoid YouTube most days, I get sucked in to something funny and I'll want to watch all 144 videos by that one person. I just found out you can make playlists and file something on the phone app to "watch later." I NEED to start doing this!
      I will send her a message, or leave a comment. She'll probably think I'm crazy.

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  16. Oh, where to start? My dad had a paddle that was kept in the garage from a fraternity-type organization he was in while in college. It had "Roughnecks" burned into it, and we were threatened with it ("Do you want me to get The Paddle?"), but it was never actually used on us. My mom, however, used to wear flip flips around the house (known as "thongs" at that time), and man, could she whip one of those off and smack me on the back of the leg with it before I could run away from her.

    I hate most vegetables. Kale is way up at the top of that hate list. Frying kale does not improve it whatsoever.

    Elderly physical therapy patient? Nice.

    The reason it has taken five years to release any of the music Michael Jackson recorded before his death is because it is CRAP. Even the addition of Justin Timberlake can't fix that kind of stank.

    I don't know whose bright idea it was to say an 18 year old is an adult, but I'd like to let them take a crack at raising MY 18 year old adult for awhile.

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    1. Flip flops would hurt! That would do the trick! That reminds me of Eddie Murphy's "Raw," ever see it? He claimed his mother could take off her shoe anywhere in a grocery store and throw it, and it would hit him or his brother DEAD ON. He said by the time he was 10, his mother was "like Clint Eastwood with a shoe." Too funny.
      You're right, cooking kale does NOT make it any more edible. I posted last year that if I HAVE to eat kale to be healthy, just give me the chemotherapy. That has to be easier. I wish I were kidding.
      I know for a fact there are elderly people in better shape than I. I used to Crew the 3-Day Walk for Breast Cancer, and there septo- and octogenarians walking SIXTY miles in 3 days. I did that once in the alleged prime of my life and I thought my legs were going to fall off.
      I didn't care for his music either, but I just figured maybe I'm not the target audience? Everything after Thriller was "meh" for me at best. But I'm not a big music person.
      I'm with you on the definition of "adult." 18 means you CAN go to war, you CAN be tried as an adult if you break the law, but you can't rent a car, or make a good decision almost to save your life. It's a sketchy time.

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  17. Two things! First, my family never owned one of those paddles (they just used their hands or belts) but I have seen similar paddles sold online! Some of them even have holes drilled in them, which is supposed to make the paddle fly faster and smack harder! Fun times. Also, I got told also to lower my cholesterol, eat better and exercise more. It is not going so well, so far. :P

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    1. My mom's weapon of choice were her Mike Tyson fists. After raising 5 kids, your hands become lethal weapons. It's evolutionary biology. I only have 3 kids, so my hands aren't quite there yet.
      I feel your pain w/the cholesterol. I KNOW that I need to exercise more, but when you're tired all the time and they tell you exercise will give you more energy, it just sounds like such an evil LIE. Plus, HOW do you start that whole thing?

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