My post is just one tiny part of her bigger picture. The thought that anyone and everyone is worthy of love and respect, regardless of outer appearance. I started this post a long time ago, intending to post it this past weekend on my Grandmother's birthday, but never did get to finish and publish it.
I felt it needed more attention, editing, better writing. It does, but more important than my writer's fragile ego is the message this post holds.
No matter how much we think we already know that "Beauty is Skin Deep" and "Don't Judge a Book By It's Cover" is cliche, we keep missing the message when it comes to our children. We say one thing, we do another. I still see people, mostly women, saying negative things about themselves, what they're eating, and making excuses. I wish we could just stop this.
The biggest change I have made over the last 4.3 years of having a daughter is how I look at, and talk about, myself. That's where it starts. Children do as you do, not just as you say. I have never been a vain person. I was the first to make a self-deprecating joke about myself, especially my weight. Unacceptable. I have 2 beautiful sisters, and I always referred to myself as things like "the Fat One." I mean it's okay, I'm also The Funny One.
If I thought of one of my beautifully curvy daughters saying that about themselves, I might cry. Shameful.
I used to hate to take or display photos of myself. I hated wearing bathing suits, partially dreaded the warmer weather, the whole Negative 9 yards. It doesn't matter why, or what my problem was or is, I needed to get over it. I need to be a better example for my daughters, for everyone's children everywhere. The outside package isn't everything, it's what is inside that makes us who we are. It is what we DO that defines us as people.
We're all different sizes, it doesn't matter how or why, we are who we are. We are all children of the universe, we all deserve love and respect. I believe it, and I finally started living it. We take lots of pictures every day, no matter if our hair is brushed, or I don't have makeup on. We don't worry about those things. We have fun, we do things, we learn.
The idea of this picture would have mortified me years ago. |
I don't let anything about my appearance bother me. Maybe some day I will be more active, maybe not.
That's not what is important.
Taking care of my family, being a positive role model, overcoming our challenges, teaching them about true happiness, this is what matters. I've overcome so many challenges, become a better person, made more of myself than I ever imagined. If someone else I loved looked past this to let any outside appearance change their opinion of themselves it would break my heart.
I started this post about my strong, smart grandmother, one of the most amazing and beautiful women I have ever seen, and it's time to finish, publish and share it.
She had many challenges, but she didn't let them stop her. She took care of her family, by herself after her husband died young, in a time when women didn't work. She went back to school, got a good job, and did what she had to do. She never once felt like less of a person for not fitting into some picture of how a modern woman was supposed to look. She never needed any excuse. THAT is a role model.
She lived a long healthy life, she was what our society called "morbidly obese," according to some BMI model that I don't understand or give any damns about. What that formula doesn't calculate is how size doesn't necessarily equal healthy.
Body Mass Index doesn't explain how or why my father, who was always perfectly thin, the perfect BMI, had major cardiac and circulatory issues most of his life. My skinny father always had high blood pressure, hypertension, and underwent many surgeries, by-passes, procedures, medical treatments to deal with his health issues.
BMI can never calculate the overall healthy of a person.
It can't calculate how my grandmother lived every bit of her 92 years with no heart disease, diabetes or any other major illness or health threats.
How she walked and remained active all of her life.
How she ate REAL food: Butter, meat, cake.
How the first thing she did every morning was put real cream in her real coffee, and eat real cookies so she could take her vitamins.
How she was so independent, strong and amazing.
This is the face of BEAUTY |
She loved "Ball and the Jack." This is what a FUN person looks like. |
THIS is how a loving mother looks |
THIS is a healthy, modern woman. |
My mom and I looked at each other.
Who knew?
She said "I'll show you," and proceeded to pull down her sans-a-belt stretch pants, girdle that she rarely left home without, and showed us her proud, tiger-striped Mother's stretch-marked stomach.
We picked up our jaws and looked. Didn't see anything.
We looked up at her, she looked down and said,
"What? Where is it?" she looked around,
"I had a little mouse right here," and pointed to her lower stomach, just above the lady garden, then added:
"Where's the mouse? My p*ssy must have eaten it."
Yes, she really said it. She was 75 at that time. I obviously never forgot it.
The point is she let us know by example never to be ashamed of who you are. To laugh, have fun, eat the damn cake.
My grandmother did talk about how some of her girlfriends were always "on a diet" and trying every new thing from
diet pills (dangerous) to
margarine (gross) to
cantaloupe diets (ineffective)
all with little or no success.
She watched as those around her would temporarily lose weight dieting, only to gain more weight back as soon as their crazy diet phase ended. She watched them go up and down in their weight, think unhealthy thoughts about themselves and ultimately make their situation worse.
She read Totie Fields, laughed about how disgusting melba toast was, and had coffeecake when she wanted to. She played cards, did her own paperwork in her 90's, filled out crossword puzzles IN PEN, she faced her fears, didn't take life too seriously and just took care of herself.
She overcame struggles that most people couldn't even understand. She wasn't bogged down with trivial vapid concerns, she took control of her life and kicked it's ass.
This is who I wanted my girls to become, and I realized I need to become this person first. We're learning together, learning from mistakes and trying to have fun along the way. It's what my grandmother would want. It's what I want.
Florence. Queen of our family, Giver of no Damns. |
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To read what Lizzi Rogers of Considerings blog has to say about #YesAllWomen...Now What? click that title to be taken to that post. Enjoy.
YES. Yes to all of this. I am trying to do and be the same things for my girls: confident, happy, content to be myself. It's not always easy, but what's amazing to me is that I can feel myself changing, now that I'm a mom, trying to be a good example of positivity for my girls. Your grandmother sounds fabulous. Cheers to cookies and cake and real fucking butter and 92 years of life.
ReplyDeleteNo it's not always easy especially today. Once you give up a little of that "I'm never wearing Mom jeans" crap and get over yourself, Life becomes so much easier.
DeleteShe was fabulous. We eat cookies and cake and real butter and LONG LIVE cake eaters everywhere!
Great post, Joy! What a different and better world it would be if only people realized that looks aren't the true measure of a person.
ReplyDeleteWe'll never be perfect, but I just wish people spent more time sharing positive stories about real people like this and less time talking about the Kardashians. Just a little, ya know?
DeleteThe reason I mother the way I mother today is I had a mother who was do as I say and not as I do. It always bothered me. Now we work on things together and we don't worry too much about what we look like. We splurge, we eat healthy, we be lazy, we exercise. Trying to show her everything in moderation.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean, that's what we had too. I think it may have been that generation. I'm STILL waiting for The Talk, and honest answers to questions. Eventually I just stopped asking them questions and asked other people who WOULD tell me the truth. Everything in moderation is totally the key!
DeleteI'm glad you once again inspired me, and yes this is just one TEENY TINY piece of it. I originally forgot my grandmother's joke, I went back and added it in because it totally summed up how she was. Thanks for reading!
ReplyDeleteI loved this Joy! However yes I care about what I look like but love who I am and what I stand for. Love yourself no matter what, embrace your imperfections be strong and confidant thats the message. Its what's in the heart that's beautiful. Joy you've always been one of the most beautiful people (in and out) I'm lucky enough to be a part of. YOU ARE TRULY AMAZING, always thought that. Just sayin. DFILY Bink
ReplyDeleteYou're amazing, too. Glad you're starting to finally realize it, big Chister. DFILY2
DeleteYour grandmother is an inspiration! I was tearing up because I felt like I knew her, or I wanted to know her, or I wished she were sitting at my family table telling jokes and passing the butter. Thank you for sharing her with us. You are so lucky to have such a refreshing model because you are so right: actions speak louder than words. Little eyes notice the way we see our reflections. They see the way we criticize ourselves. Those same judgmental eyes become their own and the ones they use on their own reflections. It sounds to me, though, that you will show your girls exactly what they need--love. Thank you for sharing this post!
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading and commenting, I really appreciate it. She was fun, at times demanding like all of us in my family, but mostly generous and a shining example. I hope to be even a little like her.
DeleteYour grandmother sounds like she was a hoot! You touched on something that has been bugging me lately. People will NOT let me take their pictures. "I look fat," they whine. Everyone in my life, it seems. It makes me wonder how many of life's moments they aren't having photographed because of that. Do you think social media has made it worse? Everyone's so worried people will put a picture of them on Facebook and their former classmates or boyfriend from sixth grade or whatever will see that they've gained weight.
ReplyDeleteYes, so much that. Social media definitely makes it worse. What most people should realize is that they are the ones who notice the flaws most of the time. The rest of us are looking at a happy memory or a big ole smile!
DeleteOh Lord, you almost had me in tears then. Your grandmother sounds like the type of person that I would have loved to have known and who I would have welcomed wholeheartedly, into my life. As women, we could all do with a role model like that. Someone to inspire us and give us the confidence to just be ourselves. This is such a wonderful post and a brilliant tribute to a very remarkable woman.
ReplyDeleteShe was. Not just strong and wise, but FUN. That is the balance. That is what we forget in our pursuit of one, the other things start to falter. It's about balance for me.
DeleteI am beyond happy that you finished this post! I agree wholeheartedly that our daughters (and sons) learn from us. They watch and listen and never miss a beat, you can bet on that. I have decided to be the real me for both of them. I don't want them disappointed when they find out that I'm really a flawed human and don't deserve a pedestal. I don't want one....I'm afraid of heights! Lol! Seriously....I hear what you are saying about #YesAll, it's not just others who tear us down. We do a fine job ourselves at times and we need to look at that, change it, stop it. I think it's great you are so comfortable with who you are and your priority is your family. That is what your daughter will see. That is what she will remember. I know that in thinking about this very same thing all week, I know where I need to make changes in my own attitude and actions and am committed to doing so.
ReplyDeleteHow blessed did you get in the grandmother department?? What a wonderful, honest, and fun woman! I'm still dying over here about the tattoo....
I love that line about the pedestal! I want that tattooed on me! Hahaha Speaking of tattoos that story is a true story.
DeleteDammit, Joy, I have tears in my eyes, but I loooooooved this post SO SO much I can't even tell you. Your grandmother sounds like the most amazing woman ever, and her personality (sans dirty jokes, but only cuz she can't tell a joke right to save her life) reminds me of my mother-in-law who is probably my favorite person in the world.
ReplyDeleteThis post touched my heart. And I needed it really bad today because I have to go do something that is a trigger for me. I have to go to another place, mentally, to do it, but I will. Because I have nothing to be ashamed of. *hugs* for this post and your beautiful, amazing grandmother.
Turnabout is fair play, you've moistened plenty of balls in your day (eyeballs that is.)
DeleteI hope whatever it is you have to do goes smoothly, it will make you stronger either way. Something tells me you've got this. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for woman!
Thank you for this. I laughed and cried, mostly cried....still crying. Miss her so much and love you all so much. Getting another tissue.....
ReplyDeleteSorry but I know how you feel. I cried every time I wrote, added to it, especially the pictures. I can hear her shaking her empty glass of ice saying "I had Diet Coke in here!" :) or yelling at someone for taking her spot in Scrabble! Sometimes I still want to call her before I remember I can't. But we can remember and share all the stories!
DeleteWhat a great remembrance. Your grandmother really is an inspiration. I think I'm going to have some coffee cake and tell a few dirty jokes in her honor.
ReplyDeleteAwesome! She used to play cards, too. There are so many things I forgot, she was totally awesome.
DeleteLove it! So true. I hate the BS society hands us of all this perfection. I never bought into any of it - too bad way too many women do. Lovely post about your Grandma. Love the Giver of No Damns.
ReplyDeleteThat's good, they're just trying to sell diet pills and whatever else plays upon people's fears. It is too bad, confidence should come from within, not the outside package. Thanks for reading!
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