13 Reasons for My Ovaries to Stand Down, from The Bump

I still get emails from The Bump, a prego/women's web site. I signed up when I was pregnant with my second, and now our third and LAST baby (knock knock knock on wood) is a year old. Someday, the day I update my email for the library probably, I will cancel that subscription. She’s my THIRD child, and I haven’t gotten a useful tidbit from them in years. 

Today I saw “13 Signs You’re Ready to Have Another Baby” and I just HAD to click on it, to make sure I’m not experiencing any of these signs. Nope. Check and check. Not only are these just lame quotes, they are LAME ass quotes from naive women who obviously have only ONE little innocent baby.

My ovaries responded here in RED:

“I knew I was ready for another baby when my husband finally agreed!” -- Rachelle M.  

Would never happen. NOT Ovary- NOR Husband-Approved.     

“When I started packing away my one-year-old’s infant clothes.” -- Jenna S. 

Not a chance. And shoving things in a closet isn't "packing away" just so you know.

“When my first kid is diaper-free, we’ll try again.” – BC Diapers are the LEAST of our issues. 

“I knew it was time when I started sleeping through the night again...” --Becca N. Sleep barely happens in this house, much less through the night.

“We just bought a house with three bedrooms!” -- Amery C. Not even in a mansion.    

“My ovaries started aching for another one!” -- Nikki H. We, the ovaries aren’t even talking to that lady after 2 babies in a row. BE READY for killer periods.

“My first child outgrew the baby tub last week, and I’m ready for another one now.” -- Nadia K. Don’t care. We OUTGREW those non-maternity jeans 15 pounds ago, and we're shoved in there at LEAST twice a week.

“I was ready for baby #2 when I found myself watching A Baby Story every day.” --Christine C. GAG. We are gagging.

“I realized I had far too much free time after our first child turned three.” -- Kayla J. What, she doesn't have internet access?? Friends? Books? p.s. what is this "free time?"

“My son came home from kindergarten crying one day because he didn’t have a little brother or sister to take to show-and-tell like all the other kids -- talk about pressure!” -- Kristi D. They don't have TV? Let him visit here, he'll be thrilled to go back home to his OWN ROOM.

“My two-year-old son tries helps with other babies, so I guess it’s time.” -- Kelsey C. Hahaha This woman is SO STUPID!

“I knew we should start thinking about it when my daughter put down ‘baby brother or sister’ on every birthday or Christmas wish list.” -- Anke B. Let her spend ONE AFTERNOON with the demon baby of ComfyTown.

“I realized I wanted another one when all I could think about were babies!” -- Chasity P. Same answer ^ as ^ above.

Yep, I know my ovaries and I are definitely NOT ready! Oh, some of those poor parents are in for quite a Bitch Slap from our friend, Reality.