Black Friday: NOPE

I don't know how anyone else feels about Black Friday, but I can sum up my feelings in this .gif:
Found at AwesomeLuvvie.com
I know some people really love it, like my sister, and if that is your bliss, well follow it I suppose, just please try not to stampede anyone at least. I don't like shopping in the best conditions (post-apocalypse) let alone in the middle of a freezing cold night with hopped-up strangers.

Being super pregnant around this time of year has taught me a few things, mostly really gross food combinations, but also now to avoid Black Friday. Also, almost completely avoid holiday shopping anywhere but the comfort of my own Lazy-Boy chair. I'm talking on ANY budget. 

My budget for the holidays the last few years is negative dollars, which means: 
Remember that Flintstones episode? From sodahead.com
Charge it. I HATE credit cards, so yes, keeping the cost low is a necessity. I did most of my shopping those years online. A growing trend indeed. You have to be careful, some sites inflate prices compared to those you can find in a brick and mortar store. 

You also have to keep things like shipping and handling costs. Those handling charges will kill you. You also have to leave enough time for the items to ship, say if you don't pay attention and order something from Hong Kong 2 weeks before Christmas. Hypothetically speaking, of course.

Hot items can sell out quickly. If you were looking to get your loved ones the delicious (?) Kentucky Fried Chicken candles, they sold out in 1 minute. People obviously thought you could eat them.
NO, I did NOT make this up! from eater.com
There are tons of online-only retailers, Overstock.com (I've never found anything great) and chain stores also offer online options, Target.com and did you know if you order from Toys R Us online, you can save on shipping and have your purchase ready and WAITING at the store? You only have to go to Customer Service, and you can PAY online, eliminating some lines.

Best of all, these online kiosks from heaven deliver to you at discounted prices. My favorites are e-Bay (many wholesalers have NEW items,) Half.com, which is e-bay for books, and Amazon.com, which has a used section, and a site I recently discovered called Swap.com which sends out emails with FREE SHIPPING codes about once a month. I have purchased books for PENNIES. Plus shipping.

With these sites, try to search the SAME SELLER to save on shipping, btw.

e-Bay will cover everything from baby items and clothes, 
to toys for toddlers and kids, 
Legos, dolls and toys for all kids, 
collectibles for older kids, 
music posters and paraphernalia, e.g. earbud earmuffs, for older teens and adults, 
books and clothes for any one, 
and even foodstuffs and vitamins for the "young at heart," which is a polite way to say OLD PEOPLE. 

And no, that's NOT insensitive, I can say that having purchased vitamins and flaxseed from e-Bay, because I'm "I have purchased items to help me poop" years old. 

You may have people on your list that are difficult to buy for, or that funkle (fake uncle,) or mayhaps in the office grab bag you drew the Larry Dallas of the office. 
The caramel Booty.
Variety of colors.

No worries, don't start unpacking your tent for Black Friday! 

Try a Booty Pillow. Yes, it's a pillow shaped like the small of a woman's back including buttocks. Buttocks is a fun word, and even more fun as a gift. 

When I drew the office weirdo's name one year, he creeped me out way too much to get him a Booty Pillow, so I got him a subscription to The Onion. It went over our monetary limit, but since everyone in the office got to read it after he was done, I considered it a loophole. Plus, The ONION! They have calendars, mugs and many, many items to chose from. That sentence is a link you can click, after you read this whole helpful post that is. 

If you're shopping for an even less mature (ironic) crowd, perfect. That's right up my alley. Here are some amazing online stores that have HUNDREDS of items at all price levels:

Perpetual Kid

^ Also a link. One of my favorite places to online shop. They have everything from gadgets, like a mechanical ice cream cone that spins itself, to the trendy, including a complete section of "mustache" items, some classics, whoopy cushions, bacon-flavored everything, to the practical:
A variety of funny-labeled hand sanitizers such as "Maybe You Touched Your Genitals". 

Yes, there is a rainbow and unicorn section, including Unicorn Corn on the Cob Holders.

Click on "Perpetual Kid" for a link, I mean AFTER you read this whole thing, scroll back up. 

They also have an amazing home-made CRAFT gift where you can make artwork from chewed up, spit-out gum. You might have to see it to believe it: Click here to see: Chew-By-Number. You could also DIY one with gum and a coloring book.

You WILL see something you like, here are a couple of coupon codes.


A little something for everyone, girls, boys, squirrles (they have squirrel underpants.) Neato Shop is chock full of stocking stuffers like zombie gingerbread ornaments, DORK socks, T-shirts, minion merch, French Fry lip balm, inflatable toupees and bears, fashionable sashes such as "Miss Appropriate" and other essentials. 

Think Geek

I could spend thousands here, and probably have over the course of my life. My husband is very difficult to shop for, and we're both pretty geeky.

They have everything from Star Wars and Trek, Big Bang Theory, Game of Thrones, Marvel comics, Minecraft, an entire Bacon section (can we move past this already or what?) and much, much more.

They also have a whole week of deals!
 BLACK FRIDAY WEEK!   20% Off Orders $40+   Use the code BLACKMAGIC

If you're thinking "What about girls?" I've got you right now.

Something small and different? How about a bottle of mood nail polish? Changes color, from top to bottom color.

The color CHANGES (with your body temperature) from TheMoodPolish.com I haven't ordered from HERE, so I can't say whether these work, but I did get a bottle of changing polish on a cruise, and it did change color in the sun and go back darker inside. 

Their clothes are great

This is so much better than it sounds. I'm not a girly girl and I could (and have) spent ALL DAY just looking at the cool stuff on this site. They have the coolest clothing, jewelry, ornaments, Home Decor, stuff for kids, pets.... and Stocking Stuffers are 15% off this week.

Click that link for everything from "Think Ink" tattooed footy pajamas, to retro bird cage babydoll dresses, to steampunk octopus jewelry. You're welcome, my friends.

Dads and Dudes? I got that, too.

Always the hardest to shop for. If you don't have a Sharper Image budget (and who does?) try Firebox.com 

They have a wide variety of random stuff like Duff beer in a can, but warning a case is $40 plus shipping and it probably tastes? Pretty bad. 

Mayhaps you're better off giving the beer soap for under $10, or try underwater chromatherapy lights for $12. 

Gadgets and Gear

Dali watch
Just what it sounds like, and so much more. Not only do they have tons of cool nerdy stuff, like mustache watches, gag gifts, and also a bacon section, check out this Dali watch where the mustache IS the hour and minute hands. 

WHO wouldn't want that??

Before you answer that question, there is something for everyone here. Check out the below. You can actually give someone a Flying Fuck. 

I think you're holiday shopping just finished itself.

Some random GOLDEN gifts, no gift receipt needed

For anyone who likes beer:
Beercandy. You read that read. Click it if it sounds too good to be true, that's what I once thought. Caramels made with beer, beer taffy, hopdrops and even merch.

Christmas Day is my birthday, and don't worry, you can totally order liquor online. I'm registered at Binny's Beverage Depot, as I am every year. 

Happy Holidays everyone! And before you go on a "Say Merry Christmas" rant, you should remember a couple of things:

1. Say whatever YOU want, it's your America too, but 
2. Don't ever tell me what to say, and
3. I have non-Christian friends who celebrate different holidays in December, and that's OKAY. I'm not taking the "Chris" out of your "T-mas" if I want to include my Jewish friends, and my one Wiccan friend (they celebrate the birth of the Sun, not the Son, in December) in one fell swoop. 

Here is a quick visual to help you out with this tricky verbal quagmire, to help you realize when you ARE and are NOT being religiously persecuted.


  1. Oh I will definitely check out some of those links! Thanks!

    1. I have spent WAY TOO MUCH TIME looking at these sights. Though it's still better than getting trampled!

  2. Thanks for the links! I always have a terrible time shopping for my husband. I stopped the Black Friday craziness when I started hearing of people dying in the stampedes. I mean, really? Is an xbox half off really worth someone's life?

    Katie @ Being Dawson's Mom

    1. No it is not. Even a FREE x-box...hmmm....NO Ma'am!

  3. I am a manager for a retail store. I have the unfortunate job of working on Black Friday. I have never shopped it, not once. I prefer to do my shopping in front of a computer with a glass of wine. I will check out these links. I might by the dork socks for myself.

    1. Oh, I'm sorry! That is painful. I assure you my family and I (other than my sister) will do our parts not to partake in the madness. I doubt it's going away anytime soon unfortunately, if people keep spending, stores will keep doing it.

  4. Ha! This one had me rolling. I refuse to do Black Friday. No way. I value my life too much for that craziness.

    Computer, wine, beer, and Jack Daniels - meet online shopping.

    My poor credit cards.

    Oh, and Merry ChristmasKwanzaHannukahWhatever.

  5. All of those holidays AND my birthday coming up, you are going to be broke!

  6. I must get the flying fuck…wait - I already have it!