My Fruity Secret

I know, that title sucks. I wanted to call this "Shove This In Your Cakehole" but anyone who has read me before would be expecting booze recipes. You can add booze to this, but that's not totally what I'm talkin bout, Willis. For once.

Truth is, I get moody/crabby/whatever you call it by the end of winter, and also all the time, and too much booze makes it worse. I mean, it's worse the NEXT DAY. That day it's immediately better. That's why we drink. Anyway, I was putting together an email to my lovely cousin who just bought a Magic Bullet -- and here I mean the food processor one not the sex toy, though that doesn't hurt a bad moood either. I can't even talk about that stuff though. 

I was telling her about an easy way to get more fruit and healthy foods into your day. I know, I know, everyone has annoying smoothie recipes, but this is simple. This is not a sponsored post, just some FYI on an easy way to boost feel-good brain chemicals. I think you know I'll keep the biology lingo at a my normal (4th grade) level.
from accuweather.com

If I make something, it's easy, cheap and taste pretty good. Otherwise I wouldn’t make it. 

I don’t even make fancy alcoholic beverages, when I see the word “muddle” in a drink recipe, I’m out.

My smoothies are not the Daphne Oz psyllium husk, kale-filled bullshit smoothies, mine actually taste GOOD. I’m not about to preach about oxygenating your blood or any of that other health-related crapola. If you’re like me, your body will be grateful for any fruit you’re throwing down. Especially in winter, when it’s a good idea to boost your immune system.

There are certain things I just cannot eat or drink, no matter what. Like kale. At all. In any way. I don’t care how good it is for me. I’ve tried. Modern Science can’t puree it enough to not feel like lawn clippings.

Don’t come at me with “kale chips,” don’t even. You know what kale chips are like? Eating a mouthful of spiders. 
If I need kale to be healthy, I would rather have the chemotherapy, thanks anyway.
Picture is from hilahcooking.com, I added the words.
I’m just sharing a few things that make ME feel better, especially during the long, cold winter months, and have so far kept me from having to back on antidepressants, because I hated the side effects. Not to mention the cost.**
There are foods that naturally boost your serotonin levels. Long, sciencey story short: You'll feel better when you eat them regularly.
Found this at newyoubootcamp.com
Any search engine can help you with what foods have which benefits, I’m just here to share how I easily get some healthier crap into my day that makes me feel better. In the Midwest not only is the weather is a giant FU from Mother Nature, it also gets dark at 4:30, so by the end of February we’re all but murdering each other for a parking space.

There are tons of things you can add for your own flavor or health benefits as you see fit.

Daily Quick Smoothies
I can't overthink it or it becomes too much. I usually just use whatever fruit we have, add almonds/walnuts or  whatever nuts we have, and then add as much spinach as will fit in the cup. You can't taste spinach over berries, promise. Frozen cherries are also usually really sweet.

I top it off with almond or cow’s milk and a couple of ice cubes. The ice cubes give it a thicker, shake-like texture. If you don’t like that, leave out the ice cubes or add water or yogurt.
Try one and see what you like and don’t like about it. If it’s too thick, add water or milk. If it’s too watery, drink some and ice and/or yogurt and/or add banana.

I start filling the cup part of the Magic Bullet with any parts of fruits my kids won’t eat, the bruised parts of banana and/or
smooshy parts of strawberries,
the tiny/wrinkled/usually sour grapes,
you won’t taste any difference and why waste it?

You can add more ice cubes and/or frozen fruit for a thicker texture. Here is just some pureed frozen bananas, ice cubes, fresh berries, and a little yogurt. 

My kids think this is ice cream. Don't tell 'em, okay? Be cool.
It's actually REALLY good.
I try to do at least 2 different colors, for multiple benefits.
from markushartel.com
When the cup is about half full of fruit, I add the following:
(These are my current favorites)
Spinach, for Iron/Zinc
Berries, the darker the better
Frozen cherries, super sweet
Pcs of more bland fruit like apple, pear, cantaloupe
Bananas, a superfruit, boosts serotonin/dopamine
Almonds or walnuts, or whatever nuts we have
Citrus in winter. Normally I don’t like the sourey taste but they contain a lot of Vitamin A/C and when I add the milk and/or sweeter fruits, it’s not tart.
Then I fill the cup halfway with milk, add a couple ice cubes and that’s it.

You can add honey, or cinnamon or vanilla extract, those are all natural, healthy options so of course I really don't like any of that stuff. I don’t know why, can’t explain it but most fruit is sweet enough.

I try to add:
Plain yogurt, good for immune system, or
Greek yogurt has more protein. It also has a thicker texture and you won't taste it over fruit.
Activia if you believe that hooker from Trader Places, who says it makes you poop.

I don't like the texture of yogurt, so it's easier to get it this way.

You can add:
Whatever the hell else you want.

I started blending fruit with milk out of necessity: 
I needed to shove healthy stuff in my cakehole and 
cut down on sugar when I had gestational diabetes. 

Plus, citrusy fruit is far too tart for me, but added to milk and blended with other stuff, you get what tastes like an ice cream shake, without the ice cream. Plus, I noticed having this amount of fruit every day actually makes me feel better. If I go more than a few days without having them, I start really craving sugar like a crackhead.

When I first started, I would sweeten them with a little peanut butter or chocolate syrup. Then they actually taste like an ice cream shake, aaaand they’re pretty close to it. In winter, I don't like them as thick/frozen so I'll use a couple pieces of frozen fruit and some fresh fruit, and almost no ice. It will still have a thick-ish texture but not be as frozen.

Again, you can use water instead of milk, or coconut water or whatever, but I prefer almond and/or cow’s milk. Any kind of milk will cut down the acidy/tarty taste of the citrus fruits and it’s also fortified with Vitamin D, the "sunshine" vitamin.

Ingesting Vitamin D helps your body absorb calcium, and it replaces the loss of what your body would get from the sun. That’s not just something I made up. I’ve read about people taking Vitamin D supplements in winter, going back to a time when people bought snake oil. (Is that still a thing?)

from intermountainhealthcare.org

It's almost March, when they sell the Shamrock Shakes, but I don't like the chemical taste anymore. I did this post last year about some way better options you can make at home. Some are healthier, some not as much, some have booze and some are just plain silly. Because: Me.

That's about it. FYI:
Keep frozen cherries and/or berries in the freezer. Anytime you make a smoothie and you don’t like the taste or texture, just add a few pieces of frozen fruit. Daphne Oz has a recipe, click here to see it, with cherries that's supposed to help you sleep better. I don't know if it works because something in me won't let me follow a recipe 100%.
If you’re worried about shopping for these fruits, they can ALL be frozen.
Do not worry about the calories or fat in nuts, they’re a superfood and a necessary, healthy fat. They’ll help you feel full, among many other health benefits.

I tried adding things like psyllium husks, too many were gross and just a little bit made no difference so I stopped using those. I tried chia seeds, but they are a million calories, and since I can find flaxseed meal at the grocery, I just use those. Very little flavor, and a good amount of fiber.

Just having one or two of these easy smoothies a day and doing nothing else, makes me feel better, and keeps my sweet tooth pretty much in check. I mean, I'll still eat my weight in Rice Krispy treats, but that's just because I'm gross.

For a few months I tried replacing a meal, and then two meals with the smoothies, but that is kind of a pain and if I didn’t add enough healthy things so I just made myself hangry all day. I can’t be hangry all day around all these kids. Pass.

If you do want to try using as a meal replacement, add protein (usually a powder) or be sure to eat plenty of nuts, legumes or eggs for protein and Vitamin D.

Meal Replacement FYI
If you plan to use smoothies/shakes as meal replacement, be SURE to look into RDA of vital vitamins and minerals. You’ll need protein, if for no other reason than protein enhances dopamine production. Be sure to add nuts or peanut butter, and you can find/order peanut butter powder, which is less calories if you count that kind of thing, (sounds exhausting) and/or some kind of protein powder, but you want to do some research. Here is one sight that talks about picking a protein powder. There is a lot of debate on the health benefits vs. risks of say,  soy protein. I switch it up and also use milk, which contains protein.


[**I feel the need for a quick disclaimer: I would NEVER recommend you go stop taking any antidepressants, that is a doctor’s decision. I stopped slowly, under medical supervision, promising I would return if I felt I needed to. Most winters I feel I need to take them again, but if I force myself to do a few simple things, the feelings are few and fleeting. That’s just me, everyone is different.]

Here are some web sites where you can read about healthy eating, and additional nutrients needed in the winter months.


  1. Wow! I have been wondering about those bullets (and yes I laugh every time I say it) and this post answered sooo many questions! :) Love the graphics that suggest what the different colors do.

    1. Thank you, I giggle like a 13 yr old girl every time I hear it and say it, too. And I stand by my statement that it would improve your mood :)
      I love that picture, it's pretty AND informative.

  2. I'm with you on kale and too complicated recipes. (especially when it comes to my rum!) I don't even like lime in my rum but I usually drink Captain and ginger ale usually Vernor's! It has a little bit of a bite and with the spice in the rum, I'm spicier than anyone can handle!! I also use a lot of peppers in my cooking so I get the benefits from those!

    1. That sounds like a great drink! Love Captain Morgan.
      I read that red peppers have more vitamin C than oranges. I prefer them over citrus, but my kids don't like them yet. Maybe if I "stewed" them in Captain Morgan! Oh, what a quiet night that would be...

  3. I was on a smoothie kick for a while... I stopped when it got cold and smoothies weren't so appetizing. My favorite kind was banana, or banana with strawberries or blueberries. Also, my mom makes kale chips and I think they taste like eating crunchy old leaves you found on the ground outside.

    1. Hahaha yes! That us exactly what they taste and feel like when I ate them!
      Bananas are my favorite, best fruit ever!

  4. Okay, I'm super lazy and could never do those smoothies (and I like to chew). But you're bullet/bullet bit made me laugh. And made me think of the time my friend gave me a rabbit for Christmas. It's a wine opener, but when she told me that she got me a rabbit, my first thought was not wine. ;-)

    1. Ha! I've seen the rabbit at one of "those" parties and it scared me. It seems like it would create more problems than it solves.

  5. Ahhh you're so sweet to try to take care of our bodies while your hilarity provides laughter and medicine for the soul :)

    I cannot believe they called it that! That's SO not what ANYONE is going to think first when they hear the word 'bullet'. Silly sods :D

    That's a lot of hassle though. Can I get my winter blues kicked by reading more, and not eating stressful food? Glad it works for you, though :D

    1. I thought it was funny, too. Subliminal messaging at it's finest! It's easy with the bullet (hee hee) though. You just throw stuff in the cup, blend it and drink it out of that same cup. Then the parts, which there are only TWO parts, go right in the dishwasher. I've literally never eaten more fruit. Or much fruit ever until my mom gave me this thing. Now I'm bulleting fresh herbs and ginger, makes everything taste so much better and it's easy. This sounds like a sales pitch but I love this thing.

  6. I love Captain Morgan, too! I have been sailing with his since he first landed ashore back in the fabulous olden days of the (early) 80's. Maybe '82 he sailed into the package store at the Navy base we were stationed at. Like any good grog shop they had a huge welcome aboard party for him, complete with tastings, samples, sale prices. It was a freaking par-tay!

    So uhm yea, The Captain goes great with vanilla ice cream and cinnamon. Kind of like a vanilla shake that kicks your ass.

    1. That sounds DELIGHTFUL! I may have to build a sail and float that boat. Okay you're better at metaphor than I am, I admit.

  7. The wife and I are currently in the pre-psychological preparedness stage of replacing a meal with a smoothie. Which means we've talked about doing it but still haven't mentally committed to it yet. We're very close though.

    1. Don't forget the protein, or one of you will be missing some digits.

  8. This post not only made me laugh, but made me learn a few things about nutrition. You probably should have put a disclaimer on it, because that is not at all what I expected. I just wanted fun-yummy-times, and now, all of a sudden, I know stuff too. Screw you and your damn nuts and berries! I will be trying all of these things in the near future. Thanks a lot, asshole! (Seriously, thanks. Anything I can do to get my kids to eat more veggies and healthy junk is a blessing sent directly from Zeus.)

    1. You said nuts and berries. My kids LOVE these, for months and months the spinach in the smoothies and yogurt were literally about the ONLY vegetable my Lola ate. And she never got sick so I don't know if we really need as many fruits & veggies as people pretend we do. Just saying. You know what also makes these great? Rum. The kids will sleep like rocks.