Switches, Lights And Knobs

I don't care if this makes me sound old, I'm about to rant about technology. Don'tgetmewrong, I love technology, like Kip Dynamite loves technology.

I mean, I do NOT want to go back to a time before the internet. You can't make me go back. Well, I guess you could just by unplugging my router, but I will cut a bitch.

So many other advances are amazingly miraculous, forget all the medical gobblety-gook, do you know we have a DRIVE-THROUGH dry cleaners not far from us? That's right, you get in your 'Murican gas guzzler, then you don't even have to GET OUT to drop off your dirty drawers and on the way home? You can DRIVE-THRU a Subway and have some asshole MAKE YOU a sandwich. 

Because let's face it people, if I'm too lazy to make myself a sandwich I'm damn well too lazy to get out of my car and WALK to where I can buy one. Amiright? 

My mom used to have to do BOTH of those things, all by herself, with FIVE kids. Doesn't that sound like some bullshit life? I know. 

HOWEVER, there are certain things that are progressing the wrong way. We seem to not talk about it, and if you complain about it, you're "that guy." At the risk of being that guy, can someone explain to me, like I'm Denzel Washington telling you to explain to me like I'm 6 years old, why the freak we are accepting the following annoying changes to technology:
Touch Screens
Unwanted Apps

Touch Screens.
You know that's just a marketing ploy right? When I talk about touch screens my husband pulls all the neck muscles shaking his damn head at me. 

News sites, entertainment sites, blogs and articles and EVERYWHERE are a million ads, and with touchscreen you almost cannot avoid clicking on those damn ads, which pay by clicks. 

With gadgets and tablets and phones (oh my!) getting smaller and our fingers getting fatter and fatter, you can't touch "Comment" on a blog covered in ads with a touchscreen unless you have a stylus for a finger. And if you do, WHERE did you get it?! 

WHY are we falling for this, Murica?! Wake up. Get off of freaking Facebook and bring back my buttons!

I might be forced to join the game to get in on this. My fat fingers click on enough to buy someone a summer house, why shouldn't I get my 3 cents a click?

If (when) I do sell out, remember I'm on your side and I hate this damn dirty trickery. But do be sure to pin a sister's post, my babies need shoes.

Freaking apps
While I'm on a tech rant, what is UP with the all the damn apps??

I'm guessing apps and owners of apps pay phone and laptop companies millions of dollars to force these apps on their customers, whether we like it or not because they're everywhere, worse than the herp. You don't want them, you don't know how you got them, but BOOM they're like Visa, they're everywhere you want to be, and they're updating and updating and using your RAM and your memory storage and of course your BATTERY!!!
There are apps pre-installed on my phone, I can't uninstall them, they never stop running, and NEVER STOP updating, and make my battery constantly dead. WHY?
from makeuseof.com
No Uninstall button on the app. But hey look, there's a 'Disable' button, but wait, it's disabled.

I now hate freaking Yelp because it updates every other day and I don't WANT IT! GO AWAY Yelp, no one likes you anymore. I want battery life, I no longer care which Starbuck's have shitty bathrooms. Spoiler: THEY ALL DO because coffee makes you poop. 

Do me a favor app companies, since you know my location, know what I searched on the internet, go ahead and look at the amount of money in the bank while I'm online banking. Then you'll know from my bank balance that marketing ANYTHING to me is a complete waste of your time.

It's not just on my phone, my new laptop came chock full o'guess what? YES, gahtdam APPS!

I have to constantly seek out and destroy these stupid apps so my battery will last more than 5 freaking minutes. What is the point of a wireless laptop if the battery only lasts 1/2 an hour? SERIOUSLY. 

I didn't install them, I don't want them, I don't use them. Yet they are CONSTANTLY running, updating, beeping, distracting me.
from enthusiam.cozy.org
My laptop came with a weather app pre-installed. My laptop does not give a shit what the weather outside is like. If I care about the weather, I will actively seek it out, look it up, turn on any news channel, look at my phone, out the WINDOW or guess what? I'll GO OUTSIDE. 

If I'm on my laptop, I do not need the weather. Ever. I don't need to be distracted with beeps and boops and updates and UPDATES and messages and IM's of all of these appps. GO AWAY!!! Stop running things in the background I don't need. Leave my battery power to COMPUTING, you damn computer. 

Why does this not infuriate more people?! 

I know we all have our switches, lights and knobs, Striker. Does anyone else feel this frustrated? Anyone? 

Thank you, Shat, I knew you got me.
Skip to 15 seconds in, this is my boyfriend William Shatner in Airplane 2. This video, like the movie is hysterical. And it really perfectly sums up how I feel about the switches, lights and knobs. "They're blinking and they're flashing, I can't stand it anymore!"


  1. Ha! Yes! The touchscreen one 1,000%. People always make me sound like an old fart when I tell them touchscreens are stupid, but have you tried typing on a touchscreen? It sucks. It's awful. It's clunky. Have you tried scrolling and navigating on a touchscreen? It sucks, and especially because of the ad thing you mentioned. Let's not forget that things like the iPad have plug-in keyboards that you can buy separately so you can type faster than 2 words per minute, and plug-in mice for better clicking and scrolling, which is pretty much their way of admitting "If you want to get anywhere on this thing, buy a keyboard and mouse and use it like a computer should be used."

  2. You are so adorable when you're snarky. This whole post was one big RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

    Loved it :D

    1. I'm a big fat baby. I know there are ways around this, but it's so ANNOYING! GAH!!!!

    2. Ohhh sweetie *shakes head in amusement* You'll get there :D

  3. I think where you're going wrong with all this touchscreen, advertisements, and too many apps stuff is that you are assuming that computers are suppose to be used to accomplish things and be useful. So naive.

    1. hahaha great point! The one thing all the beeping and messaging distracts me from is putting up more nonsense on HERE, and since I don't get paid for this, yeah, I guess it's not that big a loss is it?

  4. OMGSERIOUSLY. Why are there 500 pre-installed apps on my phone and WHY must they update every single day??? I don't use any of them. Okay, I have occasionally used the navigation app when I need directions. Otherwise, WHY are there so many apps I don't need, want or use?! And why can't I get rid of them?! AARRGGHH!!!

    1. SO MUCH. Oh, I forgot about the navigation apps. I think I have TWO of them, TWO of them, and all I have to do is press the voice command button on Google and speak the address, and Google maps will get me there. Or close at least. I don't need special apps taking up room! I guess there IS a way, I found a web site talking me through it, but get this? To get started you need to root your phone, with what? ANOTHER APP!

  5. Haha I love a good rant and you are SO right about the accidentally clicking on apps thing. KILL!!! Two additional horrifying things: When you navigate to a website on your phone and it has a popup that asks if you want to download their app and the button that looks like it should be "dismiss" (and which you instinctively hit before actually reading it) is actually DOWNLOAD. Kill. The same thing with full browser webpages where you hit the "X" or back button and it has a pop up that asks "are you sure you want to leave this page?" Ask me one more time...

    1. Yes! I've seen one of those, it's almost IMPOSSIBLE to actually touch the teeny tiny part that doesn't download it. I have actually just exited out of blog posts that I really wanted to read out of anger. You had me, then you lost me.
      And yes, that message is SO annoying! EXIT.

  6. My wife's last phone came with so many pre-installed apps she had no room to install the things she actually wanted without having to buy a memory card (which caused the phone to bug out like crazy when she put it in). As much as I hated its glitches, I used to type out whole posts on my old BlackBerry's keyboard. The phone I got in December is my first touchscreen device. I tried writing posts on it but quickly lost my patience. I am getting more used to it, though. Maybe I'll try again someday.


    1. We had to get a memory card, too. Marketing scam. It's all a scam.
      I remember reading that you posted with your Blackberry, and I thought "HOW?" I've never used a Blackberry, but it did seem a lot easier than stupid touchpad. I cannot do a post on a touchpad, it's almost impossible for me to comment on blogs. I'll bang out a HUGE comment, and then somehow it just disappears. SO annoying.

  7. That's why I rooted my Samsung note 3. Too many damn apps I couldn't delete. Now? All gone and just clean pure android. ahhhh smell the cleanliness and hello 3 day battery life.

    1. I did see a post about that. I was put off a little by the fact that involves yet ANOTHER app, but if I can actually uninstall Yelp, it's worth it. That fucker updates every other day. I don't go anywhere, I don't need freaking Yelp. I can't even IMAGINE 3 days, but that makes me excited!

  8. Is this why my battery on my effing smart phone is always dead? I'm deleting all of the apps. Right now. Right after I look at Instagram. And Twitter. And Tumblr. Ok, let's get real. I'll just go sit by the electrical outlet.

    1. Save me a spot! My husband's answer is: "Delete the social media apps" and he's right, then my battery WOULD last longer, but how the heck would I promote my blog? You know how expensive commercials are? I don't, but I'm positive I can't afford it.