I received the coveted Liebster Award by the delightfully hilarious Ponies and Martinis (check her out, she's fuuuunny). Unfortunately, unlike everyone at the Oscars Ass-Kissing Festival last weekend, I don't have a pre-written speech, or an amazingly practiced fake surprise "Who, me?" look. But I DO have this blog, this post, and I also have theexact same amount of Oscars as Leonardo DiCaprio. It's true.
What’s the Liebster Award, you might ask? I don't know, I'm too lazy to Google it, but it seems to involve questions about myself, a topic I actually know a little bit about.
My Homework: Eleven facts
I'm one of the worst bloggers ever. I donk things up, I don't promote myself, and sometimes it takes me weeks to go to someone's blog after they comment on mine. It's okay, it's just where I'm at right now, this is where I wanted to be in life. I'll try harder at blogging when my kids need me less. I'll be a little sad, and you'll need you to make me laugh.
I have 2 small children, and a very um, unique let's say teenager, so my life and schedule is such that I have 2 minutes here, 1 minute there, in a house FULL of my children (and other people's children.) It makes for an all-day fight to get any post up, much less anything well written. Mostly this is more of a comic strip right now.
In fact, I hear my teenager's alarm clock going off right now and he is NOT waking up, so soon I will have to go wake him, an exhaustingly frustrating process that will no doubt make me crabby and suck all the creativity right out of my body. He's going through something and I don't know how to help, but it's stressing me out so much that *I* am actually getting teen acne, from my teenager. So if the rest of this list is full of swears, that means I went right back to it after dealing with him. If it's not, that means I stopped and picked it up again hours later, as per my usual.
This is why sometimes my blog is angry and full of swears, and sometimes it's all sweet like "Oh my kids are such gifts from the universe." That's how I am.
As you can tell from my blog description, during the sweary times I take stress eating and drinking gluttony to a whole new level.
I don't eat cats, they walk on dirty litter. from deliberateblog.com
I may throw down a smoothie and/or a salad, but on any given day, I could also eat my weight in things like Rice Krispie treats. I can't always have a drink when I want to, part of the WAHM package.
Speaking of that: Daydrinking is a dying art, and I take it pretty seriously. [When I CAN.] I mean, if you don't do it right you could wind up in horrible accident, or worse: Rehab. You have to play smart. I actually wrote a whole post with realistic advice. That is a link if you're curious, with some good advice and I don't often give advice, because
I'm pretty stupid.
I don't want to brag but I still amaze myself at the mistakes I continue to make. In my defense, I was raised by a pack of really stupid wolves, (read: teenagers, while my parents worked 9 jobs each.)
I also blame the stupid on my broken memory, due to lack of sleep, lack of focus and a myriad of medical and medicinal side effects robbing my memory bank, and getting away with it. Most of the information is THERE, it's in my brain, it just isn't filed away neatly. I have to dig through the pile of nerd books and old movie quotes in my dome attic to get to it.
THIS is my memory warehouse from propublica.org
Most people will say "Oh yeah, I have that to." You don't even know. Have you had people stop talking to you because they were tired of saying "I told you that. I've told you this story at least 3 times. I told you this one in an email and I'll forward it to you to prove it to you" and a million things like that, because they don't understand that short-term memory loss is not in fact an elective process? Do you have to call your SO for passwords at least once a week because you can't GET to the file of passwords if you can't log into your new laptop? Do you have to put things in the EXACT same place all the time so you can find your keys/wallet/ID/everything? Back pocket for ID, right pocket for keys, always right pocket of pants/jacket/diaper bag and the SECOND I walk in the house, before I put the crying baby down, before I pee in my pants, before I put the milk in the fridge, the keys go ON THE HOOK. Everything and all the babies and all the "Can I?" and the "I'm hungry!" and the "You SAID when we get home" just have to wait because I've lost enough keys to know having a new electronic key made is a LOT of freaking money. Wow, that was kind of a rant ey?
Apparently I'm fun-fact challenged.
Now, on to the probing (she said "probing") questions.
What do you want to be when you grow up? Compensated. For freaking anything. Mama needs a dayum paycheck. I watch MY 3 kids all day everyday for NO money, I know right? And I babysit, so if you've ever done that you know you pretty much get paid in smiles (and vomit.)
What is your favorite ice cream flavor and why? Beer. That shit is gooood.
If you could change one moment in history, what would it be? Hmmm 60 seconds to save the world....I guess if I could make Hitler's dad get a nard-kick so hard it rendered him infertile the world would be a better place.
Pick the ultimate superpower. People say flying, but it sounds too much like an arm workout. Plus people would expect me to do things. Pass. I'll say Jedi Mind Power, that no one knows about but people are just somehow inclined to give met things, and like watch my kids and stuff. I guess that could happen if I had friends and were nice to people or something, but that sounds even more exhausting than flying. Pass.
Cats or dogs? Not so much. They shed, they have tons of bodily functions you have to clean up, and I doubt they taste good or Americans would eat them more. Reptiles are where it's at. We have a snake, a Dumeril's boa constrictor and he's the bomb dot com. He eats and poops only TWICE a month. Can you top that? I mean pet-wise, if you're a person who poops twice a month, go immediately to an ER or DrOz.com and write him in detail about your bowel movements. That dude LOVES hearing about people's poop.
How did you pick your blog’s name? I love this. I wrote a WHOLE post about this. Long story short: I started calling my husband's house "Comfytown" because it was. You had to be there, my nephew still randomly tells me he misses the original Comfytown. Remember that episode of Friends where Rachel lives with Joey and he's like "This is Joey's, it's okay if you spill spagetti" and whatever else they did? Yeah, this was an entire HOUSE like that with comfy furniture and tons of TVs and you could spill, drop, smoke, throw mashed potatoes anywhere you wanted.
What is your favorite post that you have written? It's going to sound weird, but if you read it I guarantee you'll smile. Like that guy with the men's suits except nothing like that. It's called "Old Man Crushes" that's a link and it's better than it sounds. It's a little embarrassing, but so are all of my posts.
If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go? Comfytown. My house is a giant vacation. I would send ALL my kids to Disneyland, with my sister. Have fun! Take lots of pictures and videos and tell me all about when you get back. In 2 weeks.
You can only eat one thing for the rest of your life. What is it? I always want to say "That's easy, Pez. Cherry flavored Pez." (Ever see Stand By Me?) But really it's turkey taco salad w/black beans, corn, cheese, lettuce, tomato, avocado, onion, lettuce, spinach, and beer. That's the perfect meal.
Describe yourself using one word. Glutton. ^ After reading that answer. I don't know when to say 'when.'
Any regrets? I should have tons, but a wise mandrill once said "You can't change the past, but you can learn from it." I started out so much stupider (see?) than almost everyone else, so through my many epic mistakes, I'm finally learning a thing or two about being an adult. Even if I don't always like being the adult. But hey, it's my turn, and I can teach my kids the rules, and also how to bend the rules a little bit, and also remember to HAVE FUN, because I don't think we teach that to our kids enough in between all the "Put this away" and "Eat your vegetables" and "Don't play ball in the house." Ya know?
Now, for my nominations…
It's Why You Like Me- She's a snarklicious pop culture guru. Not only does she provide me with all the pop of culture I ever need, with a laugh, she reads a book a day and does reviews, yet she's not afraid to throw down an F bomb when necessary. I'm jealous.
Kim Ulmanis - The smart and funny Kim Ulmanis somehow entertains, teaches and manages not to intimidate me with her great writing.
Finally, my brilliant hard-hitting questions to them:
What can I legally write off as a home daycare provider? KIDDING. (But not really if you know.)
What's your favorite rock and why?
Number 2 was a joke, but I'm curious to see what answers I'll get. Also to see if people read and answer, or read all the questions first. Plus, I could stand to learn a thing or 2. I don't know any kind of rock other than "river" because they're all over the Pinterest. They look smooth.
If you could change the end of any movie or book, what would it be, how would you change it? (I would change every Adam Sandler movie, into a COMEDY. It would take some doing.)
Have you ever had to stifle a giggle at a funeral or other inappropriate place? How did you do it.
And do tell, in the previous question: What was SO FREAKING FUNNY?
Did your father or any other relative walk around the house in their underwear?
Am I the only person who didn't have such a relative? My friend Jennifer's father told her she had the "brains of a soda cracker" (yes he used the plural) for bringing friends over when he was walking around in his underwear. I see people talk about it in books and whatnot, but that was the only time I'd ever seen it. (He was wearing Walter Whiteys *patent pending on that phrase* and a white Tshirt if you're wondering. I know I would be.)
Do you kind of wish society was less uptight about things like walking around in underwear? Why or why not. I totally do.
Why do I keep answering my own questions? In your professional opinion.
What is your most irrational fear? Or pet peeve if you don't have any fears.
Have you ever had an epiphany? Or do you think that's just a word people throw around to make the rest of feel like they're smart or inspired?